Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

Yes, your DSD needs to be held accountable - by her dad. Lots of issues there, but the first is to make it clear you expect for the room to be cleaned the day she leaves - has he actually seen the state she leaves it in? If you do it for him, he has no reason to deal with it.

Does she have a boyfriend/girlfriend ?
Does she actually want to come and stay with you ? I spent years going out with my dad on a Sunday because I didn’t know how to say that I didn’t want to go anymore.

I have a daughter the same age so can maybe shed some light on that side of it.

My DD prefers to spend the majority of her time in her room. She watches Netflix, chats to her friends on FaceTime, goes to sleep at silly o'clock so sleeps during the day and occasionally does her A level work. However she does come downstairs if we're watching something she enjoys, or just for a chat or gossip and always eats with us. Her bedroom is a mess but it's not dirty. She wouldn't ever leave used sanitary products about. If I tell her to sort her room it's normally done within the hour.

The problem you have is that your DSD has no respect for you or your home. She shouldn't be whispering and going quiet when you come in. She should be chatting to you and she certainly should respect your home.

I think this issue needs to be tackled by your husband. I suggest shutting her door and leaving the room and she can come back to it the next time she visits or your husband can clean up after her. I imagine it'll soon stop then

Step parent here 🙋🏻‍♀️

Not normal.

10 years in and she hasn't thawed? That's hard.

What do you do on a weekend together?

Is there anything you and her could do together?

I know you won't relish that thought but she might get the sense from you that you don't like her.

Could you try spending time with her? Ask for her input on something? A hand with something?

The period stuff is bizarre but also something my dsd has done every now and then like be REALLY demonstrative about her period - what is that about?

@Dundee67890

I do clean up as the room usually smells after she’s gone. My DH is not lazy but wouldn’t think about it so while he’s taking her home I usually strip the bed, throw out the unpleasant things left lying around, empty the bin, open the windows. I give it a good clean during the week. I do it for myself not for anyone else.

If he wouldn't think about it then you need to tell him that she cleans it before she goes or she doesn't come next time.

I have two teens, so hopefully can offer some perspective!
Teens are prone to skulking around, giving one word answers and disappearing to their rooms - totally normal as far as I'm concerned.
BUT there is no excuse for excessive mess and rudeness and both mine know that there are definite expectations with regard to attitude, housework etc

Your dh needs to get on board! If either of mine were whispering to me, in order to exclude someone, I would pull them up on it immediately!
You absolutely shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home op and your dh needs to lay some ground rules down asap.

@Dundee67890

I do clean up as the room usually smells after she’s gone. My DH is not lazy but wouldn’t think about it so while he’s taking her home I usually strip the bed, throw out the unpleasant things left lying around, empty the bin, open the windows. I give it a good clean during the week. I do it for myself not for anyone else.

Stop it now. Close the door. Have nothing to do with that room.

My DSS, who is very lovely in all other ways, is a bit of a slob. It’s not my problem (and fortunately we don’t share a bathroom as we have an en suite) so the doors are closed when he has gone and either DH deals with it or DSS has to when he comes back from his DM’s.

No uni, she’s not interested.

Unfortunately we’re stuck in a rut where I do the big shop on a Saturday morning and buy the dinners for the weekend. I also do all the cooking.

I sound like a doormat which I’m really not, DH does 50/50 most of the time, he cooks after work most evenings.

Everything just changes, the whole dynamics when she’s here.

It’s not just a DH problem surely? She’s a young woman. I know he’s part of the problem and accept that. Mumsnet comments such as ‘you’ve got a DH problem’ are not particularly constructive. Sorry not meaning to be ungrateful.
Thanks for all the helpful comments.

We have a decent marriage in all other ways.

The staying in her room all the time and constantly on her phone is pretty standard.
Her room being a tip is also normal but leaving used sanitary towels around is fucking gross.

As for your husband, what a spineless twat.

She doesn't have to like you but she does have to treat you with respect. The secret whispering would drive me potty, I actually feel quite uncomfortable about it, it feels deliberate and nasty.

I would set out some clear rules for both of them actually as if neither will talk to you about it, that's your only choice.

Her room is hers and it can be a tip if that's how she wants it but she has to strip the bed and bring down/throw away any dishes and rubbish before she leaves.
If she doesn't, then your husband has to do it the day she leaves. Is there a sanction? Money, WiFi?

She treats you with respect and ends the pathetic whispering and rude behaviour.

Honestly, in your position, if my husband wasn't even willing to enforce that I think we'd be over. It's the minimum you can expect.

@7yo7yo

Leave it for him to clean. I couldn’t stay in a marriage where I am so disrespected. Your DH is a twat.

This 💐

No. This is not normal. If my children treat their stepmother like this i would be furious with them. I also would not allow them to disrespect my partner in our home like this.

I think there is a dad guilt thing that gets mentioned a lot on here. That they are so afraid of losing the contact they have won't rock the boat at all.

She will likely stop coming at some point over the next year or so anyway?

If its been like this 10 years i am not sure you will stop the whispering etc. But i'd perhaps cut back on cooking and bending over backwards for someone so rude. Instead i'd tackle the room. Does he actually see how bad it is? Or do you always get to it first? I think he needs to check it himself before he gives her her lift and if its bad not take her till she's tidied it. There needs to be a consequence for one of them here. And by sorting it for them you are enabling. If it stinks it stinks-dont go in there.

Do you think the young woman could be suffering with depression?

Next time she stays you could challenge them.
So she arrives Friday night? Ask DH what’s for dinner while you sit in the sofa with wine. He’ll have to cook or get a takeaway.
Saturday morning, walk into her room, throw open the window ‘crikey dsd it stinks in here’
Make sure she know where the bin is for any rubbish - point it out if necessary or buy her a new oversized brightly coloured bin as she clearly could see the old one.
Saturday night a repeat of Friday - let DH cook or order food.
Sunday before she goes, again while she’s in the room ‘hey dsd, let’s get these windows open, do you need help stripping your bedsheets? Don’t forget your rubbish goes in the bin.’

Or just leave for a weekend - which post Covid you should seriously do, check into a hotel and tell your dh you’re not coming back until the rooms clean and tidy.

You seriously need to stop cleaning up after her, close the door and let her or your dh deal with her filth when she gets back.

Honestly neither of them sound nice. You definitely have a problem with both. She's been getting away with it for so long now that he's pretty much telling her it's ok.

But at 17 sorry she is a dirty bitch leaving used sanitary products hanging around, much less for a week thinking the person she treats like shit will clean them up, i doubt you will change much else at this stage but please please at least take control of the cleaning aspect and stop cleaning her room, let the mould come out the door, but don't go inside, either she cleans it or daddy does but you stop and don't say it's for your sanity because it's just enabling her to keep treating you like shit, at least control the cleaning aspect

@Dundee67890

No uni, she’s not interested.

Unfortunately we’re stuck in a rut where I do the big shop on a Saturday morning and buy the dinners for the weekend. I also do all the cooking.

I sound like a doormat which I’m really not, DH does 50/50 most of the time, he cooks after work most evenings.

Everything just changes, the whole dynamics when she’s here.

It’s not just a DH problem surely? She’s a young woman. I know he’s part of the problem and accept that. Mumsnet comments such as ‘you’ve got a DH problem’ are not particularly constructive. Sorry not meaning to be ungrateful.
Thanks for all the helpful comments.

We have a decent marriage in all other ways.

It is a husband problem though because he's allowing the behaviour and being vile to you when you raise it. He and his ex have raised this child and he is giving her the message that the way she behaves is ok. He's falling into the role of making up for leaving/being left and it's shit parenting and no good for her either.

Yes she's responsible for her behaviour but she's still a child and she's not being told she's out of order.

Do you know what's she's like at home with her mum?

• It’s not just a DH problem surely? She’s a young woman. I know he’s part of the problem and accept that. Mumsnet comments such as ‘you’ve got a DH problem’ are not particularly constructive. Sorry not meaning to be ungrateful. Thanks for all the helpful comments.*

Of course it is. If she were your daughter you’d deal with her unacceptable behaviour. She isn’t, and you can’t. Only he can deal with it and he won’t. = DH problem.

Sorry!

I would definitely not clean her room. Dh can. But I’d move to a hotel by Tuesday after she’s left until it’s clean. And say If he goes along with a set up that makes the house unliveable for me unless I clean up after his frankly disgusting daughter then I can read the sky writing loud and clear- it says I don’t want you here and you have no rights except as the house servant. Which means it’s not a relationship.

I mean its normal in the sense that I hear SO many stories like this, but its not okay. My dsd trashes her bedroom but since she's now sharing with my DD she has to tidy it daily and DH does enforce that. Once she left a load of dirty knickers under the bed (she has problems with wiping) and I made sure DH dealt with it, never happened again. He says her room at home is filthy and smells foul (her whole house smells badly of dogs tbh but he said her rooms worst). Its different though as shes only 11 so has much less control.

In terms of the whispering, no. I would come down on that like a ton of bricks, so bloody rude and I would never be made to feel uncomfortable in my own house. Dh needs to have your back properly as it sounds horrible for you.

Stop cleaning her room just shut the door she can come back to a filthy room

Don't bother cooking either when he asks whats for tea tell him your tired he can cook

Basically go on strike stop being a doormat for him she is following his lead here he allows this behaviour so she does it

I could have wrote this post myself except for the sanitary towels ! My step daughter only leaves her room for food, summers are spent with blinds down and lights on. I have tried talking to my husband and it never ends well. The thing that most upset me is almost no chores are giving out and I would be run ragged . I have given up on her washing now, clean washing would only go on the floor . She leaves the room ok now but that’s taken quite a few years of nagging. To be honest though my own teenage daughter is the same, on the bright side they will hopefully be able to go to uni soon, I live in hope 🤞

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it

I asked him when she was younger to talk to her about respect and manners. She’s pretty disrespectful to her grandparents too. He said he didn’t need to.

She was raised to be disrespectful by a father who disrespects his wife. You most certainly have a husband problem.

Start by telling him you're no longer cleaning her room, but because of what she leaves in there, he will have to do it when he gets back from dropping her off. It cannot be left overnight. Then you can see again how disrespectful HE is to you.

She is a young woman now. It’s like she’s marking her territory on you and your home. The sanitary wear is the ultimate territory marking. It’s saying she’s a woman now, perhaps also symbolising she is available and in her fertile / sexual prime, your sexual rival. She couldn’t be more blatant about how she feels about you. Imo this is something, you can kill with kindness. The more of a pushover you are, the more she is stepping up her behaviour. She is being horrible and disrespectful to you because she can. No one is stopping her. Including you.

If your dh won’t do it, you have choices:

1. Continuing as you are but this shouldn’t be an option.
2. Leaving it for her for the next time she comes.
3. Telling your dh this morning you expect him to do it when he returns from dropping her off. Perhaps that will prompt him to talk to her.
4. Informing her this morning that you won’t be clearing up the room again so if she wants it cleaned and clean sheets, she will have to bring all rubbish downstairs and put it in the relevant bins and strip the bed.
5. Split and tell him to leave.

I would absolutely leave him responsible for all cooking and cleaning over the weekends SD is there.

The period stuff does seem bizarre but it’s something she’s always done.

She’s also made a real point about being on the pill. She leaves the packet in the kitchen or the bathroom. It’s almost like she’s making a point? I’m no psychotherapist but it does seem strange.

She’s not diagnosed or complained of depression? I’m not the person she’d come to for that.

Oops I meant:

Something you canNOT kill with kindness