Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

Stop doing stuff for her. If that is her designated bedroom then don't go in there. Ever. That's your DH's problem. If it starts to stink, complain to him.

Let him cook when she stays.

The pill adds more weight to her seeing you as a sexual rival and sexual prime. I don’t mean she wants to have sex with her father. But she’s confused and screwed up. Yes, very odd.

She is a young woman now. It’s like she’s marking her territory on you and your home. The sanitary wear is the ultimate territory marking. It’s saying she’s a woman now, perhaps also symbolising she is available and in her fertile / sexual prime, your sexual rival.

Oh behave. 😂

You definitely have a husband problem, because he is the one that should be dealing with her behaviour.

You also have a step daughter problem. I could deal with most of the things you mention with the exception of the used sanitary products. I literally cannot think of any post I have ever read with something as disgusting as that. I don’t believe she would do that in her own home, or with her friends around, I cannot help but feel she is doing it because she knows you clean up.

I would stop the cleaning up. Close the door when she leaves and let her come back to her disgusting mess. She might think twice then.

@Dundee67890

The period stuff does seem bizarre but it’s something she’s always done.

She’s also made a real point about being on the pill. She leaves the packet in the kitchen or the bathroom. It’s almost like she’s making a point? I’m no psychotherapist but it does seem strange.

She’s not diagnosed or complained of depression? I’m not the person she’d come to for that.

She always does it because her Dad is too much of a coward to tell her to pick her disgusting shit up. So she knows she always gets away with it and has the pleasure of knowing you have to pick it up because 'daddy' is on her side.

This 17 year old girl is not a child, she is an adult woman. Her behaviour is shocking and disgusting.
It would be very easy to say leave your DH, but that’s what she wants.

She’s also made a real point about being on the pill. She leaves the packet in the kitchen or the bathroom. It’s almost like she’s making a point?

Leaving your pill in the bathroom isn’t weird.

I was a step daughter years ago, I was totally poisoned against step dad by my real dad. I used to find ways to exclude him like audibly breathing a sigh of relief when he left the room etc. He was having none of it and we had awful rows, I was pleased when he and my mum moved away.
She's been turned against you. forget dh, throw open her bedroom window to let the stink out and tell him to do it whatever nyp.
but re the stepdaughter I would take action and ask her direct how things can be better between you, without getting angry or mentioning the room or anything. she's a grown up now and obviously there's something wrong. can you do it without getting angry op? surprise her by taking her out to lunch/getting a coffee/drive thru with her or whatever is allowed where you are

Hide the car keys, she’s not getting a lift home tonight until the room is tidy. Her or him, doesn’t matter if it’s not you.

I’m intrigued who the 8% voting YABU are. 🤷🏼‍♂️

I did try to be the best step mum I could for a long time.
Days out together both with or without dad. Girly shopping trips, cinema for girly films. I bought her nice things for her room, make up, not expensive stuff just things that would make it nicer for her to be here.

All met with the same scowling disrespect. So eventually I stopped. I stopped and let her dad ‘entertain’ her.

Outside of COVID they do everything together without me. I’m happy with this as I get me time. She still stays over obviously. COVID is just making the problem worse.

I have teenage DC and I’m also step mum to teenage DC. Spending time in their bedrooms is normal teenage behaviour as are the monosyllabic answers. I get them from both sets of DC from time to time. Just chill and don’t try to force the issue, you can always suggest going for walks, watching a film, playing a game etc, but if she isn’t bothered don’t take it to heart.
However your step daughter should be tidying her own bedroom before she leaves. You shouldn’t be doing that and you need her father’s input here. He should be telling her to do it. Telling not asking.

@AStudyinPink you’ve chosen the one point that isn’t weird (pill in bathroom) amongst a set of things that are. Are you saying leaving used sanitary towels lying around is normal? Or leaving her pill on the kitchen counter?

1st things first, dh cleans the room, preparing it for her and somehow you make sure she knows that she’s not getting you to clean up after her. Either h cleans it, or you simply leave it as it is. Let her live like that.

This. At the moment she trashes the room, you pick up after her and make it nice for her next arrival, she trashes it again.

Close the door and leave it. Be strong. Your H can clean it or she can sort it her next visit.

Your H’s reaction to that will speak volumes about how he sees your role.

This is just disgusting. I would completely stop doing stuff for either of them. They are both appalling. I would completely stonewall them both. Shop for yourself. Cook your own dinner. Eat it in front of them. Clean it up and put it away. They have drawn a line in the sand as far as you are concerned, so it is not inappropriate for you to do the same. I wouldn’t bother talking to them either, tbh.... Perhaps if they speak to you politely, you could answer back in whispers. How DARE they treat you like this?!?! I would send DH and his DD back into her room with a garbage bag and a laundry basket an hour before she’s due to leave, and lay out my expectations about the sheets being stripped and put in the wash, etc.

@foodiefil

Step parent here 🙋🏻‍♀️

Not normal.

10 years in and she hasn't thawed? That's hard.

What do you do on a weekend together?

Is there anything you and her could do together?

I know you won't relish that thought but she might get the sense from you that you don't like her.

Could you try spending time with her? Ask for her input on something? A hand with something?

The period stuff is bizarre but also something my dsd has done every now and then like be REALLY demonstrative about her period - what is that about?

I know you feel she needs to be accountable but she needs to get to that point first. Her dad isn't going to tackle this so you may have to. If it were me (and I've been both SM and also inflicted my teenagers on my dp) I would not go in like she's the problem. Maybe discuss like we have a problem here and I want it to get better. What can we do? Etc.

It is likely she feels disliked by you and that's hard for even a 17 year old to resolve. I'd go more along @foodiefil suggestion. This has taken years to reach this point and so will take a while to heal. But telling her off etc might not get you anywhere.

How can you say your marriage is fine in all other ways when he clearly doesn't respect your needs? It's one thing to prioritize his DD, but what he's doing is enabling her to be a nasty spoiled brat at your expense.

If you've been together for ten years, it absolutely is a DH problem. Where do you think she would learn manners from the age of 7 if not her parents? Actually, how does she treat other people (pre-Covid)? My children can have lots of attitude at home, but generally teachers and friends' parents tell me how polite and helpful they are. That's not a stealth brag - it's normal for kids to test boundaries at home while using proper manners in the wider world.

So does she treat teachers, etc like shit as well? Or does she save it all for you?

Either way, I repeat this is a DH problem as he's enabled it and not pulled her up on it.

you’ve chosen the one point that isn’t weird (pill in bathroom) amongst a set of things that are. Are you saying leaving used sanitary towels lying around is normal? Or leaving her pill on the kitchen counter?

Erm... I’m not saying anything about anything other than what I said something about. This is beginning to sound

What would happen if you didn’t clean it? Would it stay disgusting till the next weekend? Would your partner get in there and clean it? Would he have a word with her about it?

When you say he doesn’t think about it, surely he can smell the same as you. Can you leave the door open and ‘remind’ him?

op I really feel for you, essentially when the solution lies in the hands of others, we are on a real path to shite.
what CAN you do? options are talk to dh, suck it up, headphones, head in book, getting massively drunk and dancing the twist naked she might never come round again!!, whatever coping strategies. or talk to her, those are your only options really.

maybe being really annoying when she comes round is a good one, at least you won't have to walk on eggshells

Unfortunately we’re stuck in a rut where I do the big shop on a Saturday morning and buy the dinners for the weekend. I also do all the cooking.

I sound like a doormat which I’m really not, DH does 50/50 most of the time, he cooks after work most evenings.

Everything just changes, the whole dynamics when she’s here

Do you check out of your normal life when she’s there? Do you leave DH to ‘speak to her’ about what is wrong? Do you make yourself scarce or disappear into other rooms because you can’t face dealing with her?

Something in your post, made me think you’ve maybe spent ten years living with this oppressive black cloud coming into your life every weekend for ten years and you now...sort of avoid it?

The key thing I have found about being a step mum is this: TAKE UP YOUR SPACE.

You would not accept this behaviour anywhere else in your life.

This is your house. Your husband. Your world. OWN IT. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Set them high. Pull her up on it. When DH questions you on it, say ‘do you think it’s acceptable for her to do XYZ? I find it disrespectful’. You have to do this every time otherwise he won’t see it. They are oblivious.

Keep. Doing. It. She walks all over him because he’s a guilt ridden doormat, but she walks all over you because you’ve let her. Stop tiptoeing around. It will not get better otherwise.

Grit your teeth and don't clean her room at all.

She'll get the message quickly enough when she next comes to visit and finds it in the state she's left it.

Maybe your DH will get the message too, but I wouldn't even tell him you are doing it. See if he notices and responds. It may provoke the conversation you need to have with him too.

@AStudyinPink it sounds like we’re on different paths so I’ll bow out right now. I can take constructive criticism of my step parenting and my husband, but I’m not about to get into a 🙄 with you. There’s very many helpful responses on here.

It sounds like your DH is in denial and doesn't know what to do about his "women" situation. So instead he sticks his head in the sand and refuses to deal with it. His aggression when you raise the issue is his way of shutting down a conversation that he doesn't want to have. (Because he doesn't know how to deal with it.)

I would be tempted to insist on a family meeting and tell her, in front of her dad, that it is unacceptable to live like a pig in your house, leaving used sanitary pads on the floor, and expect you to clear it up. (Your DH will find this hard particularly the mention of used period products.)

You tell both your DH and her that you are not a lackey and you won't be disrespected in your own home. This includes the whispering. It's rude and childish, and she is too old to behave like that now.

You ask her if there is any reason why she is behaving the way she does towards you, and if there is anything she wants to say - in which case let's talk about it out right now.

The meeting may well cause an almighty scene, but better out than in, and all the cards will be out there on the table.

Teenagers will push and push because they don't give a shit about the adults in their lives. Sometimes it takes a massive rocket of a wake-up call. Your DH isn't going to do it, so it's up to you to light the touch paper.

Does she enjoy her Dad's company or does she visit under duress?

@AStudyinPink it sounds like we’re on different paths so I’ll bow out right now. I can take constructive criticism of my step parenting and my husband, but I’m not about to get into a 🙄 with you. There’s very many helpful responses on here

I wasn’t criticising you, OP. I was pointing out where my understanding of her unreasonableness (which is real) departs from yours. You obviously don’t have to agree.

I would ask him to clean this room next time.