Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

The sanitary towels are a power play.
I guarantee DH will be more grossed out dealing with it than you are. Make it his problem. Tell him you expect it to be at them same standard of cleanliness as the rest of the house. Ask him to clear them.
Anything he asks you to do - sure, when you've done DDs room.
She might be grossed out at the thought of dad dealing with her personal hygiene products and may improve her behaviour. If not it is his problem not yours.

Close the door and leave it. Be strong. Your H can clean it or she can sort it her next visit.

Absolutely this. She's being deliberately disgusting because she knows it's you who cleans it. Don't play her game anymore OP. Ref the pill, she's a teenager, they're weird, don't give it headspace.

@Spandang I agree

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

This is your DH problem. He doesn’t care about how you feel and has no respect for you. She can see that too, which is why she knows she can behave like this.

I would say to dh you are no longer cleaning her room. Show him the room and say it will stay that way until either he or she cleans it. Then leave it. Do make sure there is a bin in her room and one in the barhroom. As for spending time in her room that's normal.

Open the windows. Close the door.

Can I perhaps give a different perspective on this. I've been the DSD in that position and I've also had DSDs of a similar age.

When I was your DSD's age I hated staying at my fathers when my SM was there because the whole atmosphere was different - I was not able to relax as I would at home, I felt she was judging me for everything I did or said, over really petty things - eg if I walked into the room when my DF and SM were in there and said 'Hi' that was considered rude and disrespectful to her and ignoring her because I had not specifically said hello to her. I couldn't sit downstairs and read a book (pre device world then!) because again that was rude and ignoring her - whereas I felt it was my home I didn't need to make small talk all the time as I wanted to relax too. So of course I spent most of the time in my room. If it was just my DF downstairs I would maybe go and talk to him but if she came in she would be jealous of him talking to me and would make me feel awkward so I would leave. I'm not saying that you behave like this but maybe think about how your DSD may perceive you/feel about you.

You've said she answers if you ask her a question, so she is not being rude and ignoring you - I'm not sure you can force chatting at that age.

My advice would be to try not to take any notice/let it bother you. If she's staying in her room then why does that mean you can't relax? Stop looking for things to be annoyed about with her. See if there is something that you both enjoy together - even if it's a series on Netflix your DH isn't so keen on that you can suggest you watch together - but if she doesn't want to chat/is on her phone - it's her home too and she probably doesn't want to be there and as long as she is not actively rude to you I don't see that much of an issue with her not wanting to chat.

In respect of the room - the sanitary towels are clearly not acceptable - but do you have bins in the bathroom/bedroom? Have you told her where she can put them? I have stayed in some friends houses who don't have bathroom bins or bins in the guest room and I have to remember to take a carrier bag with me to put any rubbish in - a bit awkward when having a period. Messiness is normal and if she's only there for 3 nights once a fortnight then surely her sheets don't need changing every time and you're perhaps a bit oversensitive/have high standards from your hospital work? She may be making her room worse/deliberately not tidying it because she knows you will overreact to it and clean/tidy it. Ignoring/not making a big fuss about it may help. Ask her to tidy up any rubbish before she leaves - if she doesn't then close the door and leave it until her next visit - so she can understand why you ask her to tidy up/clear up rubbish. When she gets there for her next visit and it's disgusting - help her to clean it but explain that's what happens if she leaves it in a state. But unless there is actually mouldy food etc then it'll just smell a bit musty from having been closed up for a couple of weeks and be fine.

From the perspective of having been a SM myself with teenage DSDs, they grew up considerably from around 19 and turned into lovely polite & chatty girls. They weren't that bad as teenagers but weren't interested in talking to me, stayed in their rooms etc. Leaving school and starting work/uni meant a big change for both of them. So there is light at the end of the tunnel for you.

I’m in the exact same situation OP, it’s shit.
Just hang on in there and count down the months til she’s an adult.
The stench from the bedroom is vile, I’ve taken to opening her window all week and burning incense in the hallway outside her room! 🤮

I think she wants to come and see her dad. I think she’d much prefer it if I wasn’t here.

She usually leaves her room on a Sunday to get breakfast when I go out for a run. She’s back in her room by the time I get back. She’ll avoid me at all costs. My run time varies from 9-12 but she only leaves the room when I’m gone.

I’m just going for my jog let so I’ll let you know. Thanks for all the responses they are very helpful.

She is doing doing something wrong, this:

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

Used sanitary towels being left around is actually revolting. Also the whispering is very rude and needs to be stopped again.

PS I haven’t RTFT because I can’t bear the predictable step mother bashing that’s probably come of your post.
I love mumsnet but it’s NOT a fun place for step mothers.

How does it get straight to shouting on his part? When he yells at you, what does he say? What is his argument?

So far we don't know why he thinks what she does is okay, and why your complaint is wrong.

As for her comments about the pill, there are two possible reasons for this... One is to get a rise out of her dad by implying that she’s sexually active. (Their relationship is fucking weird, let’s face it. I think she has biiiiig Daddy-issues.)
The other is to try and establish whether or not you are trying to conceive a rival to her affections with Daddy.
This girl is quite sick, tbh... I suspect she will have a future of highly unstable romantic relationships

When I was married before, my stepdaughter behaved much like this, including the sanitary towels problem (she used to leave a line of them rolled up on the windowsill). At the time, her mother lived abroad and there were all sorts of other issues with her behaviour and mental health. At one point, it got so bad that her mother left her job and home and came to live in a tiny rental just around the corner. All of it stopped, as if by magic, as soon as her mum was nearby. This is partly because I told her to welcome her mum into the house and her mum went absolutely ballistic in her disgust for the mess, but mostly because she stopped being so desperately unhappy.

None of us, while we were all going through it, thought there could possibly be such a simple explanation, but that was it. She was utterly miserable and needed to be told off, looked after and mollycoddled by her parent, I was young and didn't have kids of my own and had no idea. Looking back now it seems simple and clear. She'd been traumatised by her parents' divorce; her mum lived in another country; her dad was constantly disappointed in her because of her behaviour and because she no longer idolized him as she had as a little girl and she really didn't like me very much - all of it combined to make her furious and unhappy and it was a bit of a dirty protest.

Understanding it now doesn't make up for the 10 years of misery living through it, however. It wasn't the reason we split up but the daily relief of no longer having to deal with it made the divorce easier to get over. I'm in a relationship now and my partner's teenage daughter is an absolute joy. She still doesn't clean her room, but she is just lovely company and a pleasure to be around because she's happy I'm here. It is a different world.

It sounds like she is deeply unhappy and wants more attention from her dad. I suspect less of this is aimed at you than you think.

Agree that you should insist that he cleans her room this time and that when he’s done it you sit down with him and lay it out. His daughter needs him.

This girl is quite sick, tbh... I suspect she will have a future of highly unstable romantic relationships

Why does this have to descend so quickly into diagnosing this 17 year old (who is rude and untidy, as teenagers often are) as mentally ill? This is as ridiculous as it is unhelpful. The issue here is the OP’s DH spoiling his daughter and disrespecting his wife.

When we first got together my DH's teen daughter was like this . The first couple of times he did it himself as think was embarrassed . Now he does a room inspection before she leaves after the weekend . It's not just her room - it is used by other guests ( in the olden days !)

You need to tough it out with the bedroom. Either your DH cleans it, DSD cleans it or it stays exactly the same until her next visit.
Don’t give in, it won’t go on for ever.

Honestly I have a step daughter who is 17. I've been with my husband 10 years too and they had broken up years before we met.

My stepdaughter is wonderful, sweet and causes no trouble or mess when she stays. She never has.

I would also say your husband needs to sort this situation out. Its very unfair.

With regards to having a family meeting all cards on the table
‘Dsd you will always be welcome in this house, but your attitude won’t’

Youve spoken to your dh and he wont do anything. I think you need to start being direct with your step daughter. When shes about to leave next time hand her an empty carrier bag and say "please can you make sure theres no rubbish left on your floor before you leave. Also can you strip the bed so i can wash the bedsheets and can you open the window to let some fresh air in the room". yes she will be shocked but maybe she might actually do it if you show her you are firm about it. The key is to be unemotional about it. You arent asking anything unreasonable. If your DH decides to prevent this just state the facts that you are the one having to pick up rubbish off the floor and everyone is responsible for their own room. Not sure what you can do about the whispering maybe just ignore it. Shes 17 now so wont be long until shes grown up and living her own life hopefully

Not normal aand not okay.
This post has given me the rage

Stop cleaning the room immediately - used sanitary products is appaulling and at 17 she should strip her own bed.

He should do any and all cleaning of her room he doesn't give a shiny shit because it's your problem - make it his.

I would not think of touching her used santiary pads.
At 17 and after 10 years she is old enough.
Your husband is half the problem though.

I'd be ensuring there were leftovers ij the fridge/freezer and be leaving him and her to sort out their own dinners and as summer comes I'd be tipping them put of the house for the day to "let them bond"

and for you

I would back right off. I agree with not cleaning the room, just open the window. Your DH can sort it out from now on. Leaving period stuff around is plain disrespectful. Disgusting really. Don't put up with it anymore. I know you clean it because you want to, but it must be upsetting to have to deal with it, so I'd go on strike for a while.

Difficult with lock down, but I'd be leaving them to it as much as possible. DH doesn't see your POV, DSD doesn't want a relationship, so I'd give them what they want. They don't appreciate what you do do, so stop doing it. You won't feel so resentful then, and they may begin to see that their behaviour is unreasonable.

If your husband is not on board there is nothing you can do. I dont know what is worse this or other mumsnetters whose husbands give them sole charge of their DSC and bugger off for most of the time they are there.

@AyrshireAmbler49

PS I haven’t RTFT because I can’t bear the predictable step mother bashing that’s probably come of your post. I love mumsnet but it’s NOT a fun place for step mothers.

@AyrshireAmbler49 well, that’s rude and inaccurate. The main person getting a slating here, and rightly so, is the husband. So maybe next time do rtft.