Wife work.. not my issue anymore

[YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver]

I work extremely hard at the moment with covid etc. I work 4 long days a week from 7am til 9 plus on call for intensive care. I do not have time to give a shit about the house or DHs family things.

Last year when it all kicked off I still did things like send a moon pig card, small present from us both etc. I moved out last March to a hotel and stayed there til October so it felt the nice thing to do

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

I've made it patently clear that he lives in the house too and although he's a key worker (court system) he needs to pull his weight now I'm back home (his vulnerable parents moved to his brothers house). Im not doing the shopping now, I'm not doing lists, he lives here too, he has eyes.

But mostly I'm not sending cards to his family for birthdays. He agreed with me about this and then announces tonight 'oh we haven't sent xx a card for Monday' it's his sibling.. no DH YOU haven't sent a card. I know his family will mention it at the weekend but I will direct them to him, it's not my job.

I mean you do you but I would be terrified of the family thinking bad of me if I didn't do the cards and presents. Even if it is my DH responsibility there is no way he will get the blame for it and yes I could argue my corner but ultimately they will fall out with me over it.

Plumbuddle
Glad your DH does not need training. Mine has dyspraxia which leads to lack of organisation, and does.

Does he work?

I send all the cards to dh family of three uncles, three aunties, nine cousins, 20 cousins children. All he has to do is his parents and brothers Christmas and birthday cards.

I do this as I have no family and like to make cards.

It's not wife work here as that is such a derogatory term. It is about doing something nice foe the recipients and dh will always sort the cards if I didn't want to.

His family therefore yes he should do the presents and cards. No excuse to forget he can set up reminders on his phone or computer. With shopping why don’t you have a set list for online deliveries and either of you can add or subtract and just get it delivered to the door if you can get a slot. If you’re both working yes the chores should be shared or just get a cleaner.

plum

How is it rude? It's a reasonable question whether someone who is apparently incapable of remembering a few regular tasks is capable of holding down a job.

If a person can keep a job, they can remember their DMs birthday and buy her a card and gift on time. It's not hard.

Why did you start doing it in the first place? I buy for my family, DH buys for his. We both put both our names on. Simple. Not up to me to buy birthday presents for his relatives 🤷🏼‍♀️

I've just never thought that DH wouldn't do his family's cards etc, he's at least (actually more) capable as me. I might make suggestions, but it's down to him to sort it out, post it, etc. He's as bad at it with his family as I am with mine, lol.

And anyone attempting to dictate what we ought to do, would meet with bloody short shrift.

I'm sorry but have had to report you for your quite rude approach

You’re new here, aren’t you? 😉

Don’t feel bad, you have done the right thing. Don’t enable it. Funny how my DH always manages to remember and make complex arrangements for football/lads nights out, but forgets his family’s birthdays. Since our kids have gone to uni, I also don’t facilitate his relationship with them by ringing them and putting him on the phone etc. It’s up to him to make a relationship with them as adults.

I don’t think it’s silly to wonder what someone who can’t manage organising a present does for work. I wonder it too. He must have a lot of support in place.

Same as the PP who is married to the ‘classic helpless male’.

How are these men making a living?

I'm sorry but have had to report you for your quite rude approach.
*speakout

Plumbuddle
Glad your DH does not need training. Mine has dyspraxia which leads to lack of organisation, and does.

Does he work?

I'm sorry but have had to report you for your quite rude approach.
*

I am not sure why it is rude.

My OH has ADD, is on the autistic spectrum, has dyspraxia- I am not speaking from a point of ignorance.
He does also also work full time, holds down a good job, is technically adept, able to catch flights, trains, remember and attend meetings.
His conditions do make things difficult for him at times, and has srategies to help him, but please don't reinforce ideas that people with these conditions are unable to remember birthdays.

Plumbuddle

I actually find it quite bizarre that you think you OH needs "training".
Dyspraxia or not.
Quite an insulting idea.

I will however refrain from reporting your post.

adventure it's quite worrying that you say you are 'terrified' of falling out with family over cards and presents. That's a very strong emotion to feel ... are you being bullied or coerced into feeling like that?

I agree with others who have commented on why people women get so uptight about cards and gifts, and you see it on here - wives/mothers who are distraught at the 'lack of effort' other people have put into their birthdays. It then all becomes a bit of a viscous circle.

I am over 60 elderly in Mumsnet terms but I really don't give a fig if my DH, DS, DB forget my birthday or don't give me the 'perfect' present - so long as they treat me kindly and respectfully throughout the year, I really don't need a Hallmark card or over priced gift.

@VinylDetective

I'm sorry but have had to report you for your quite rude approach

You’re new here, aren’t you? 😉

@adventurealice

I mean you do you but I would be terrified of the family thinking bad of me if I didn't do the cards and presents. Even if it is my DH responsibility there is no way he will get the blame for it and yes I could argue my corner but ultimately they will fall out with me over it.

Doesn't seem like the type of people worth buying presents for

I do most everything.... but I completely refuse to buy gift and cards for OH family.... I don’t even like some of them.... why would I spend precious time gift buying?!! lol!

I hear you op - I no longer do it for his family. The dates are all on the calendar for everyone to see. I do my family and he does his.

And what is it with men who can't step up! H came into the front room today and moaned the curtains weren't behind the radiator (ie I should have done this). He got both barrels as I started work at 8:30 (he was still in bed) fed the cats, sorted the recycling, washing, lunch for DS, took DS out in the snow, cooked dinner (all while working) while he'd done the square root of FA!

I bought three packs of birthday cards from Next at the start of lockdown, adult birthday, child birthday and blank occasion, birthdays go on the calendar and everybody just gets one of those from the drawer now, job done.

Nothing to add except we both have really stressful long hours jobs but I do all the wife work in my house. I got the list of contact from my mother in law before she passed. I also remember to add my single brother in law’s name to gifts and cards. Everyone’s home/boundaries are different!

So first thing tomorrow say “ have you been to the supermarket to buy
that card?”

Which is still wifework. It's still being his unpaid PA.

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

A mood you say, the cheeky git.

At least you won't need a patio, you probably have the knowledge to make it look like an accident.

Everyone’s home/boundaries are different!

I think most of them are depressingly like yours. The wives doing the boring work and pretending they love it.