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Original poster

Wife work.. not my issue anymore

365 replies

YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver · 06/02/2021 23:12

I work extremely hard at the moment with covid etc. I work 4 long days a week from 7am til 9 plus on call for intensive care. I do not have time to give a shit about the house or DHs family things.

Last year when it all kicked off I still did things like send a moon pig card, small present from us both etc. I moved out last March to a hotel and stayed there til October so it felt the nice thing to do

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

I've made it patently clear that he lives in the house too and although he's a key worker (court system) he needs to pull his weight now I'm back home (his vulnerable parents moved to his brothers house). Im not doing the shopping now, I'm not doing lists, he lives here too, he has eyes.

But mostly I'm not sending cards to his family for birthdays. He agreed with me about this and then announces tonight 'oh we haven't sent xx a card for Monday' it's his sibling.. no DH YOU haven't sent a card. I know his family will mention it at the weekend but I will direct them to him, it's not my job.

OP posts:
redpencil77 · 08/02/2021 18:09

@YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver

I work extremely hard at the moment with covid etc. I work 4 long days a week from 7am til 9 plus on call for intensive care. I do not have time to give a shit about the house or DHs family things.

Last year when it all kicked off I still did things like send a moon pig card, small present from us both etc. I moved out last March to a hotel and stayed there til October so it felt the nice thing to do

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

I've made it patently clear that he lives in the house too and although he's a key worker (court system) he needs to pull his weight now I'm back home (his vulnerable parents moved to his brothers house). Im not doing the shopping now, I'm not doing lists, he lives here too, he has eyes.

But mostly I'm not sending cards to his family for birthdays. He agreed with me about this and then announces tonight 'oh we haven't sent xx a card for Monday' it's his sibling.. no DH YOU haven't sent a card. I know his family will mention it at the weekend but I will direct them to him, it's not my job.

Good for you
WhereYouLeftIt · 08/02/2021 18:12

@Lucyk1

You bought them presents, and as soon as you found out they weren't doing presents you sent then all back?! So you only buy stuff if you expect to get a present back. No wonder your life is stressful
She was told that they weren't doing presents. So if she had then given the presents she had bought, the recipients would likely have felt embarrassed that they were not reciprocating. Personally, I choose to not embarrass people.
theleafandnotthetree · 08/02/2021 18:13

@Mermaid67

The answers on this thread are making me so sad, so many women are so desperate not to be used that they say quite unkind things. My husband and I have different gifts to bring to the marriage, mine is remembering birthdays and anniversaries and I am more than happy to take this on for the whole family
That all sounds wonderful, but unfortuneatly in a lot of cases, it is women who are the ones expected to bring more 'gifts to the marriage' and then literally get the gifts in the marriage. I wouldn't be too sad about these women's perceived lack of kindness (funny how it's only women that's expected of usually), I'd be sad about the continuing inequalities
LovelyIssues · 08/02/2021 18:16

Put remainders on his phone! I'm confused as to why you moved into a a hotel for 7 months?

G5000 · 08/02/2021 18:18

I never even started doing this for my DH - I'll write birthdays etc on the calendar and remind him

So you have started doing this.

VinylDetective · 08/02/2021 18:18

@LovelyIssues

Put remainders on his phone! I'm confused as to why you moved into a a hotel for 7 months?
Then she’s still doing the wife work! Loads of NHS front line staff moved into hotels last year to protect their families.
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 08/02/2021 18:18

@LovelyIssues

Put remainders on his phone! I'm confused as to why you moved into a a hotel for 7 months?
A lot of HCP moved into hotels to reduce the risk of passing covid to their families.
G5000 · 08/02/2021 18:19

Put remainders on his phone!

How about he puts the reminders about his family's birthdays on his phone?

DoingItForTheKid · 08/02/2021 18:21

My MiL gave me a book of bdays too...I did it for a few years but gave up when I realised DH never does stuff for my family.

rawalpindithelabrador · 08/02/2021 18:22

@Ragwort

Why put up with this poor treatment then?

Nearly everyone joins in the moaning and complaining about 'wife work' .... surely there must come a time when you just don't accept it.

When my DH and I married we, had both lived on our own and could see how we lived, I certainly wasn't going to choose to share my life with someone who couldn't cook a meal, wash their own clothes or manage their own bank account, however much we were in love. Hmm

Yes, we still have 'household tasks' that we both 'specialise' in, but I know that if either of us drop dead we are both fully functioning adults who can raise our DC and send birthday cards.

It's too easy to keep saying 'it's just how men are' .... clearly many are not.

I agree. And to dump sulkers, men children, mama's boys and the like at the dating stage. Can't get stuck with one if you break up with them at the dating stage. You can't love anyone else if you don't love yourself first.
LolaSmiles · 08/02/2021 18:23

I never even started doing this for my DH - I'll write birthdays etc on the calendar and remind him but his family, up to him to sort
So you're not doing the wife work, but you:
1.Find out when everyone's birthdays and big events are so he doesn't have to

  1. Write them on the calendar so he doesn't have to
3.Then you remind him so he doesn't have to: A) find out (because you've done it) B) check the calendar you've written all this information on

So this amazingly independent man has to buy a couple of gifts after you've done the leg work and reminded him.

You very much are doing wife work.

Annie202 · 08/02/2021 18:24

I think I would have stayed in the hotel!

ancientgran · 08/02/2021 18:24

I think yabu to call it wife work. I got married 50 years ago and I've never bought ILs presents.

TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine · 08/02/2021 18:25

Good for you! I do this for DD and her dad’s family for a couple of years to show it mattered to her, and now I leave him to it. I remind her, and when she goes to her father’s house she reminds him. None of them care but I do!

CottonHeadedNinyMuggins · 08/02/2021 18:25

If he really "doesn't have time" tell him to use funkypigeon. You can set your cards to go out at the start of the year or whatever and schedule them to go at the right time! The more cards you schedule at certain times when the good discount vouchers off the more you save!

That's what I do each 2nd January - the ones I just send a card to rather than a gift (or for this last year 14 months- all of the occasions because it's easier than battling lockdown as we're shielders) and you can get them to sort of 1.30 a card with free delivery -almost cheaper than just the stamp!

ancientgran · 08/02/2021 18:27

I don't write anything on the calendar, it is in a birthday book so you write it in once, obviously he did that originally as I didn't know his family birthdays, we don't do anniversaries so other than a new baby there isn't anything for me to do.

rawalpindithelabrador · 08/02/2021 18:30

@Mermaid67

The answers on this thread are making me so sad, so many women are so desperate not to be used that they say quite unkind things. My husband and I have different gifts to bring to the marriage, mine is remembering birthdays and anniversaries and I am more than happy to take this on for the whole family
So many thoughtless, selfish men who don't even give a fuck about their own families. How kind is that?
DiamondBright · 08/02/2021 18:35

Interestingly my exHs siblings and their offspring haven't had a single birthday or Christmas card from him since we split up. They still get them from me and my dc. One friend expressed surprise when he missed her birthday the first time, I pointed out that he would have absolutely no idea when her birthday was or a note of her address.

gerryk62 · 08/02/2021 18:38

Just buy for kids
Don’t stress about Christmas and birthday pressies. Most of them taken back to shops😂🥶🥶

Gurufloof · 08/02/2021 18:41

mine is remembering birthdays and anniversaries and I am more than happy to take this on for the whole family

I have 6 to remember, DP has about 50. In the decade and more we have lived together DP has remembered all the events he has to, put them on a calendar (physical) every year he moves them to the new calendar. I have nothing to do with this. He never asked me to. That's a grown up.

Vinomummyinlockdown · 08/02/2021 18:44

Life is too short. Fuck that!

amispeakingenglish · 08/02/2021 18:46

@Chimeraforce

My partners mum gave me a book with the names, addresses and birthdays of all his relatives. I just looked at her and asked why she thought I needed it. I suggested she give it to her son. End of. If her son won't marry me after 25 years I'm certainly not doing wife work.

Even you are calling it wife work!!!
When our first two/three were small, DH was student and we had hardly any money I found out that MIL was buying presents(BD & Xmas) for his four nieces & nephews, my SIL kids, and then asking him for the money. The eldest of hers (a horrible man) is only 5 yrs younger than me! She is 10 yrs older than DH & had first at 17. So he was early 30s at the time, a benefit fraudster. He had come to our wedding and not brought a present either. They were all working and one was married!!! NONE of them ever bought my four their little cousins by 20 odd years, anything nor did his sister. At the time we could barely manage and I had to let my pension go. I soon put a stop it it once I found out. In all the years his sister would occasionally, count on one hand, give a £1 to one of mine if she bumped into them at the Grandparents. We never see any of them and don't want to.

Sexnotgender · 08/02/2021 19:01

I don’t send stuff to DH’s family. In the same way he doesn’t send stuff to mine. I know roughly what month people have birthdays, it’s in our shared calendar. I’ll drop a text wishing happy birthday but that’s all. They all live overseas but even if they didn’t it wouldn’t be my job.

lboogy · 08/02/2021 19:04

DH is pretty useless around the house but the stuff that would get him praise or adulation like presents and cards he'll do without being asked.

Housework on the other hand..

Plumbuddle · 08/02/2021 19:18

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