Wife work.. not my issue anymore

[YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver]

I work extremely hard at the moment with covid etc. I work 4 long days a week from 7am til 9 plus on call for intensive care. I do not have time to give a shit about the house or DHs family things.

Last year when it all kicked off I still did things like send a moon pig card, small present from us both etc. I moved out last March to a hotel and stayed there til October so it felt the nice thing to do

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

I've made it patently clear that he lives in the house too and although he's a key worker (court system) he needs to pull his weight now I'm back home (his vulnerable parents moved to his brothers house). Im not doing the shopping now, I'm not doing lists, he lives here too, he has eyes.

But mostly I'm not sending cards to his family for birthdays. He agreed with me about this and then announces tonight 'oh we haven't sent xx a card for Monday' it's his sibling.. no DH YOU haven't sent a card. I know his family will mention it at the weekend but I will direct them to him, it's not my job.

I do my family, DH does his. We’ve agreed only to send presents to kids, not to adults - birthdays and Xmas. Such a relief.

YANBU and bloody well done.

I do my family and MIL. DH does the rest of his family. If he forgets it doesn't happen! I only retained MIL as she is widowed and her other child lives abroad so just sends vouchers. I like to make sure she gets nice stuff!

You are right.
It’s infuriating

I simply refuse to do it — made easier by the fact in-laws are far away so less blowback!!

think the trouble is women put pressure on women. So even in my family it’s the women putting pressure on me for present-fests and thank you letter organization and wot not

think the trouble is women put pressure on women. So even in my family it’s the women putting pressure on me for present-fests and thank you letter organization and wot not

My mum is the one who does this. She tells me that it will look bad on me if DH doesn’t send his siblings a birthday card. It looks bad on me if we don’t send Christmas cards.

DH has a highly paid job in IT. Can’t/ won’t apply his strategic skills to ‘wife’ stuff. BIL is the same, he has really high powered job, yet shows similar lack of organisational skill/prioritising/planning. Do they run companies this badly?! It’s gaslighting on a mass scale.

When I got married I said that I don't iron and I do not send presents/bday cards to his side. I have a hard enough time doing it for my family. Well done drawing a line. I wish more women, who are working, started pushing back on their partners. I just don't get how many women take all the responsibility and then wonder why they are stressed and annoyed with their partner. Keep us the good work.

Ha! YANBU
My brother actually had the nerve to apologise for not sending me a birthday card, pompously explaining that it was his WIFE's fault because she "had forgotten". How my SIL didn't kill him I don't know.
I haven't received a card from him since my mum died. She used to nag him to send cards so he didn't look bad.

It is infuriating! obviously a baptism of fire for your DH as he clearly relied on you for years and possibly his mum before that,
I have to hold my hand up and say I buy gifts and cards for both sides of the family, usually i do enjoy it but when things are busy at xmas it can get stressful. Its not just the buying the gifts its the thinking of ideas for presents. My mum, aunts, grandma, all my female friends do or did the same, Its depressingly stereotypical when you think of it. YADNBU. I bet there are all sorts of things your DH manages to remember and organise if he is interested in doing them! And noone should blame their SIL/DIL if their brother/son forgets a birthday.

@YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver
I agree— HIS family, HE gets the cards.
My DS used to ask if I had a card he could buy for his GF...

And I’m sure she did the same for me.
“ Have you got a card for mum?”
Not good enough, men!!!!

I totally agree that it’s important for both partners to work together to make things like this work. I have to say though that I’m sometimes a little bit taken aback by the strength of some people’s aversion to buying presents for their in-laws. My parents in law are gone now, but when they were alive they used to chose and buy me the most thoughtful and lovely gifts. I never would have dreamed of turning to DH and saying ‘well I’m not getting anything for YOUR family, you sort it out’. Is that really what people do, or am I missing something and those situations are different to my own? Genuinely interested..

I’ll just add I never would have dreamed of doing that because I used to enjoy choosing things I thought they would like, in return for the lovely things they got me, not through any notion of ‘wife-work’ etc!

@Holly60

I totally agree that it’s important for both partners to work together to make things like this work. I have to say though that I’m sometimes a little bit taken aback by the strength of some people’s aversion to buying presents for their in-laws. My parents in law are gone now, but when they were alive they used to chose and buy me the most thoughtful and lovely gifts. I never would have dreamed of turning to DH and saying ‘well I’m not getting anything for YOUR family, you sort it out’. Is that really what people do, or am I missing something and those situations are different to my own? Genuinely interested..

That is a different situation. With wifework it is the constant expectation that the woman will think, plan and sort everything. If you want to choose a nice gift for someone because you know what they’d like and want to mark an occasion, that’s fine. If your DH (or any of the recipients) expected you to get something on his behalf, because of an expectation that gift-buying is a female task, and sulked if you didn’t, then that is problematic. See the post above from someone who is “terrified” of looking bad in front of her DH’s family who she thinks will give her a row if she doesn’t buy for them. Women are socialised into this stupid shit and it perpetuates.

DH has no more living relatives but I have loads, this year I told him he could do the DCs presents and I'd do the annoyingly large number on my side. He learned to order early after a fail on one item!
I've also pointed out I've done 8 changes of child seasonal clothing so his 8 should take him up to DD buying her own clothes.
He's very good at remembering what has to go to school on what day so I don't mind ordering white leggings for the odd angel costume.

Ahh yes I see the distinction and yes agree they are two different situations. And yes I’m with you all - an expectation that a woman should be doing things like this ‘on behalf of’ her husband..nope!

I must admit I like to get cards from my siblings on my birthday. I like giving presents too. Not sure where the idea that only children like presents came from but it’s not true of me (I’m 41). I don’t buy random presents for other people through the year though, nor do I receive them. Just birthdays and Christmas. Maybe it’s partly that my birthday is in late July so I spent most of my childhood inviting my friends to birthday parties only to discover they were away on holiday. Living in rural Leicestershire we didn’t just knock around of an evening - we needed reasons for a parent to give us a lift to see one another in the holidays.

The crucial thing is the expectations - doing something because you enjoy it vs ‘having to’. The first is fine, the second not at all so unless your other half is taking on an equivalent role that they also dislike. I honestly hope that equal partnerships are becoming more the norm than many messages in this thread suggest.

Well done OP for sticking to your guns: YADNBU.

I can see the reason why most posters object to sending cards/gifts to the in laws is because it can be a quite thankless and pointless job, as some (not all) in laws are hell bent on ignoring or undermining any effort you make and don’t reciprocate your efforts when it comes to your birthday. The credit usually goes to the OH. Secondly, sending cards or gifts does nothing to help with the day to day running of the household or immediate family, such as cooking, cleaning, splitting bills, ironing, etc, so why kill yourself?

I learnt the hard way to nip this in the bud early on. At first I used to make an effort: ran out last minute to get a special birthday cake for SIL, only to be told in front of everyone that next time I should get it ‘from x shop not y shop.’ Soon after that MIL insisted I come shopping with her so she could get her grandchildren presents for their birthday. Fine, I said, but DH is giving cash from both of us. (I had told him he can sort their presents out, not me anymore.) But come along anyway MIL insisted. I went. MIL then insisted I choose something for them too. No, I said and reiterated the above. No way am I coughing up for her ungrateful family or pandering to her demands (DH wasn’t present at the shops) MIL huffed and glared and I found out later that she complained to all that she had said she had offered to pay for my choice of gifts and I still refused. Lies. So from then on I stopped contributing and it has felt quite liberating not caring what they would think. Was a good job I did so as this nonsense didn’t just stop with birthdays, but with Xmas, Easter, other religious festivals, bowling, gifts from trips abroad, cash gifts to some family I have never met... screw that. I don’t work my backside off to waste my money or time and effort with that. Call me selfish, but teach your own some decency and manners first before you expect it from others.

I think you've spoiled him for long enough, and now you need to clearly state the boundaries- i.e. what he is responsible for. I resort to the "I'm not your Mum" from time to time, a 50/.50 split is fair.

I must admit I like to get cards from my siblings on my birthday

Are the cards definitely from your siblings though, or their significant others?

On a different track, I've noticed that if the mother in a family is no longer around, siblings tend to not bother sending cards any more. Seems as if the mother was reminding the others to send something and now shes not there to do it they forget or weren't bothered anyway.

Recently an older woman I know has said that since her mum died her brother and sister dont bother even though she has. Up til last Christmas anyway. Shes not the first to tell me similar.

When I got married I said that I don't iron and I do not send presents/bday cards to his side.

Ditto

Its almost a default for most men, as soon as they get a 'partner' they forget their own mothers birthday , or just been too busy at work, or leave it until the last minute in the hope that you will takeover , and once you do it once, it becomes an expectation from both sides, partner and their families.

I think it depends how house duties are shared. My hubby cooks every dinner, we alterate food shopping, have a cleaner and teen does washing. I do birthdays and gifts. That's fine with me.

I'm with you - so many bloke's (I'm sure there are women too) that need to grow the hell up. We seem to end up playing mum for them and it's not on - they are adults and can bloody do stuff too.

Im currently trying to train my son as he has suddenly developed man syndrome (stands in the middle of the kitchen moaning he can't find something as if when he walks in to a room what he wants will magically come to him, so I tell him exactly where it is - which cupboard, what side, next to what item... So he starts rummaging through the saucepan cupboard - because that's apparently where the biscuits have lived for the last 15 years!? It's the same every day, with everything!) he has gone from a well organised independent young man to a bumbling idiot that can't find his way out of a paper bag. As a mum - im not prepared to pander to that nor do I want to unleash another wet blanket onto the next generation of women. It's an uphill battle and far easy to do it for them but I'm not bloody doing it!

Women these days are expected to work, parent, we run a home, be a PA, TA, taxi... men seem to just get to go to work and that's it. So no - he can sort his life out, you don't need to do 'wife work' unless you enjoy it (you clearly don't). I can see if you are a house wife and like that stuff fine, but when you are the one doing everything then no.

Holly60
If you genuinely enjoy buying presents and your DH remembers it's people's birthdays and you talk about it without the expectation of you doing it all then great. If it's a case of he doesn't bother because 'Holly will sort it' then that's unreasonable on his part.
I buy for some of DH's relatives if I see something nice, and he does the same for my family. Neither of us expects the other to carry the load. If I had a husband who expected me to sort everything then there would be a clear split because I'm not his PA.

We seem to end up playing mum for them and it's not on - they are adults and can bloody do stuff too.
This. Do all these men stand in the storeroom at work shouting "where is the stapler?" or loiter near the printer hinting that someone else should arrange for a new toner? Do they need to tell a colleague to remind them that they have a meeting on Friday? I doubt it.

I’m having a shite morning and feel like venting!

I have to do the card “wife-work” - and it’s a fooking nightmare!

I buy them, write then and send them, although last year I guilted DH into writing the message in MIL’s Mother’s Day card, after all she is his mother not mine. I buy the same card for MIL and DM, too so as not to show favouritism.

ILs always thank DH for cards, unless they don’t like them for some reason, then Nuts is in the doghouse!

SIL works with a particular type of animal, so one year I sent her a birthday card with one of these animals with a party hat and banner saying “happy birthday, let’s party”, only I didn’t run it past DH first, and she was very upset as “she doesn’t anthropomorphise animals and Nuts has deeply offended her”.

Another IL has a botanical name, but you guessed it, hates cards with that plant on them.

I’m interested in history and used to send medieval/renaissance themed Xmas cards, but of course “they” don’t like them! Now I just buy a load of bland cards from the card factory type shops (5 for a pound) or boxes from the supermarket. SIL boasted that she bought a box of the same cards in the January sales and sent the identical card to people for several years.