to feel utter contempt at DH for being a lazy ******?

[sunglasses1]

We have been married for 20 years and have 3 teenagers. DH is a very good Dad, he is the breadwinner and I have worked part time in a PA role since having the DC’s

AIBU to be pissed off that he doesn’t drive , I have always driven us everywhere, holidays , kids taxi service etc. , he will not do any decorating and he gets upset when I do decorate as he says i don’t do a proper job. I do all the cooking and cleaning plus most of the gardening ...

Under lockdown, I have been feeling more resentful and angry ....

But AIBU to feel like this , seeing as I have always worked part time ,,?

Oh yes it is. People may not say anything to your face, but behind your back you will be slated if you are someone who is perfectly capable of learning to drive, but just can't be arsed.

Unless you go around demanding lifts from them, what business is it of theirs? People who bitch about other people's way of life behind their back are just nasty.

And how do you always know whether someone is 'perfectly capable of learning to drive, but just can't be arsed'? Not all disabilities or health problems are visible; and not everyone wants to discuss their medical history with all and sundry, especially the sort of people who gossip spitefully behind other people's backs.

I don't really know whether YABU or not about your expectations or complaints. My initial reaction would be that it is fair of you to complain about his not doing ordinary household chores like cooking and cleaning; but not about his not driving (especially if he is taking medication) or decorating. But I don't know him or his health or his work, or exactly how urgent the wallpapering is, etc.

However: if you are really feeling 'utter contempt' for him, reasonably or unreasonably, I think that this is a strong indicator of real incompatibilty. Annoyance, frustration, anger, even resentment, might be worked through; contempt usually can't.

Few people I know drive - all professionals in their 30s. No need for it and it's also pretty disgusting on an environmental level. Just take public transport instead

What public transport?
Not everywhere has trains and buses within walking distance.

And conversely plenty places have excellent transport infrastructure and a car is unnecessary

Surely it's not hard to understand that in some areas it's difficult to manage without a car, but in other areas with good transport links, it's easy?
Why can't people who need cars have them and leave people who don't alone?
And people who don't want to give other people lifts just say no?
The fewer cars on the road the better for drivers as well as the environment, so why on earth should non drivers be criticised?
This has to be one of the strangest things I've ever known people get wound up about.

Other than the not driving, YANBU to expect some reasonable level of help with normal household things (and some also from teenage DC).

I don't understand the MN hatred of people who don't drive. My husband hasn't learnt, he never needed to when he lived in areas with good public transport and now our finances aren't in the place to really suit that until we get our house sorted. He's never 'cadged' a lift from someone and is quite happy to get the bus or train or walk somewhere. It means I do all the driving when we go away but I'm Australian and we'll drive 4 hours to go to the pub.

Only on mn is there incandescent rage that a man can’t drive,indicative of being effeminate apparently
I’ve read mn posts firmly saying no way they’d date a man who can’t drive

You can tell some of the people posting here saying there's no need to drive obviously live in that London.

(Or that Edinburgh or that Manchester or that wherever else there is a place in the UK with an actual integrated, functioning transport system. The rest of us live in places where if we didn't drive, we wouldn't go anywhere, because it would take 2 hours every time we did.)

You’re discussing two constructs @ScreamingBeans
Good transportation infrastructure and inability to drive

In an area with poor or no transportation an adult needs to drive or their ability to get about spontaneously is decreased.if they don’t drive they are reliant upon others. That’s an issue specific to that region,area,village

If one can’t drive in an urban area you have other option such as train,bus,underground,tram

And finally there’s the mn notion that a man who cannot drive lacks in character,is effeminate,is lazy.not the sort one wants to date ,generally a bad un according to some on mumsnet. Ones character is not defined by inability to drive

If I was single in I wouldn't date a man who couldn't drive. Maybe that makes me prejudiced but that's just how I feel! Wouldn't care of he didn't have a car but would want him to have a licence. May not need it day to day (where I live if I didn't have DC's could manage without a car), but there are loads of other situations where you might need to hire one. Holidays for example...I sure as hell wouldn't want to holiday somewhere rural/remote and be stuck doing all the driving.

If he is doing a 45 hour week, and you are doing a 25hour week - you need to be doing 20hours of driving/ chores to be equal. 20hours is a lot, doubt you do that many. He ain’t lazy.

He sounds a lazy pain in the arse. Move on

If you worked full time would that give you more financial freedom so that for example you could pay somebody to do the decorating?

I do think women who opt out of a job or go part time for many years make themselves vulnerable as money is power and I think the truth is the dh in this scenario is contributing more 'work' to the family all told.

On driving, it does depend on his reasons. I was v v frightened for many years . It took me 4 goes to pass my test and then I was such a nervous driver that dh did most of it. Since dh and I separated I have had to drive and not only have I managed it, I really wish I'd done it years ago. My confidence has improved beyond belief and I am finding it so liberating to be able to go pretty much anywhere I want now.

Lots of issues for you to think about OP.

I smell martyrdom here! Get the kids pulling their weight, get your husband to pay for a decorator/handyman and if he won't, get to work full time and pay for them yourself. I'm sure he could post on here with a list of resentment too so either accept that after 20 years, this is your set up, or change it.

I saw some research into relationships and divorce which said that 'contempt' was one of the biggest predictors in marriage breakdown. I think if you feel that way (and YANBU) then your relationship is probably finished, regardless of the rights and wrongs of it.

20 hours isn’t that much. If you are cleaning, decorating, shopping, cooking and clearing as well as helping with home work, the school run/ home schooling and any paperwork, phone calls and household finances it can easily run over that amount.
I have spent several hours just on phone calls if something goes amiss and I need to speak to someone.
20 hours is under 3 hours per day.
I always find the job is relatively simple but the preparation time can be time consuming.

People are also forgetting the mental load - that, too, should be shared.
I think OP should do this:
kellymom.com/fun/wisdom/what-did-you-do-all-day/

Mental load ,a made up list as opposed to the stress of being primary earner and working 45h per week compared to her 25h per week

I would not have married a man who did not drive. That horse has bolted but I would refuse to drive him anywhere in the future. I used to work with a man who refused to drive, it was because he was a piss head and never wanted the responsibility of being designated driver

I would rather go to work for 45 hours per week and then not lift a finger at home rather than work for 20 hours and be responsible for everything 24/7

I don't want to sound like a drama queen, but in my experience (retired social worker and once a counsellor) if as you stated you feel utter contempt at DH then your marriage is in serious trouble. You can't live happily with someone you despise. Would you maybe consider leaving him and taking your teenagers with you? It cannot be comfortable feeling more and more resentful and angry, and frankly if all he has going for him is that he's "a good dad" and brings in money, then he's not exactly a great prize. In fact he sounds extremely selfish and uncooperative. You could go it alone with your p/t job and top up with the benefits you'd be entitled to, and he could (a) continue being a good dad from a distance and (b) learn what a prize he had in you and grow up enough to look after himself.

Personally I could never be with a man who didn't drive. I think its a bit pathetic.
And not doing anything round the house would drive me nuts.
I feel for you because you clearly love him but it may not be enough because he sounds a bit hopeless.

Agree with the people talking about your contempt being the real issue here. If he passed his test and did the decorating, would you not feel contempt any more? Your husband will know how you feel, by the way and I don't know about you, but whenever I have been behaving a bit badly, the knowledge someone I love holds me in contempt hasn't inspired me to change my ways, it has just made me feel more resentful and defiant.
Are your kids picking up on the fact you don't respect their dad any more?
I felt contempt for my late father, who lost his job and developed a drink problem, a serious one. (I picked up the attitude towards him from my mother, who came to despise him, because basically she was the breadwinner and doing everything in the house.) I don't blame her, it must be really hard, but in retrospect I think it must have been really difficult for my dad to feel his family's low opinion of him and I wish I had shown him love and support, rather than contempt. Maybe it would have been different if I had. At the time, I thought he deserved it, because I felt so let down by him. He certainly showed plenty of human weakness but I suppose don't we all.I wish you luck with this.

I think with all the other jobs you do, you work much more than ‘part time’? 💐