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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel utter contempt at DH for being a lazy ******?

286 replies

sunglasses1 · 06/02/2021 01:06

We have been married for 20 years and have 3 teenagers. DH is a very good Dad, he is the breadwinner and I have worked part time in a PA role since having the DC’s

AIBU to be pissed off that he doesn’t drive , I have always driven us everywhere, holidays , kids taxi service etc. , he will not do any decorating and he gets upset when I do decorate as he says i don’t do a proper job. I do all the cooking and cleaning plus most of the gardening ...

Under lockdown, I have been feeling more resentful and angry ....

But AIBU to feel like this , seeing as I have always worked part time ,,?

OP posts:
littlepattilou · 06/02/2021 12:34

daisypond

I actually don’t see why not driving is a stick to beat people with. Being able to drive doesn’t make you morally superior, or indicate that you are a proper adult.

@bythemillbond

I wasn’t beating you up for not being able to drive but was amazed you didn’t know a single person who could drive.

I only know one person who doesn’t drive and it is an annoyance to his wife because everything is about how he is going to get from A to B as they live away from public transport as he said he would learn then has never carried on with the lessons.

I know where we live you have to be able to drive. Local supermarket is about 5 miles away and walking isn’t an option and taxis are prohibitive.

Agree with you bythemillpond

I can't imagine a place where not a single person can drive. Most people I know can drive, except maybe for the over 75 age group. They come from a time when you didn't need to drive so much, as everything was within walking distance... work, friends, family, shops, doctors, bus stop, etc...

But now, life is different, families live far away from each other, many people work more half an hour to an hour's commute from where they live, and many people work odd shifts that makes it impossible for them to use buses and trains. In addition, some people live in big suburbs, in a cul-de-sac within a cul-de-sac, within a cul-de-sac, where they are a mile from a single shop or bus stop.

Even when I was a kid (1970s) many women didn't drive, although most men did. But since the 1990s, virtually everyone I know, born after the early 1970s, has learned to drive. People don't like to hear this, but the fact is that even your career opportunities will be hampered by not being able to drive.

And what about when you have kids? What about taking them to hospital appointments, and clinics, and late evening school meetings? What about the big shop every weekend? What if YOU need to suddenly go to hospital, or have a routine check up at a hospital 40 miles away at 9.15am, that you couldn't possibly get to by public transport?

What if your loved ones are hospitalised long-term, or in a home? How are you going to keep getting there and back? Going to depend on someone else taking you? Yes you are. because I know several people who can't drive/won't drive, who try and cadge lifts all the time.

It's such a good life skill to have, and unless you are unable to, because of a health condition, I think it's very important to learn. It's OK for the ones who live in the middle of a city like London or Birmingham or Cardiff, or Manchester, where everything is there on your doorstep, but many people do not live in a place like this! Even so, why would you not want to learn to drive, even if you don't get a car straightaway?!

Some people cry 'but it's sooooo expensive,' but in my experience, the type who say this go to the pub several times a week, smoke, have expensive mobile phones, and go out regularly for meals (pre-covid obvs!) Point is, if they wanted to drive badly enough, they'd make it work, and would find the money. Other people have to!

If others are spending money and time on learning to drive, why should YOU get the benefit from it when you've never bothered to learn?

I would find it a real turn-off if I met a man who couldn't drive/couldn't be arsed to learn. Call me fussy, petty, or whatever you want, but many women feel the same. To me, it shows a lack of motivation, and is a really unappealing trait in a man.

And like HELL would I always be the designated driver!

Nuitdesetoiles · 06/02/2021 12:34

YANBU.
The driving thing is a deal breaker for me. I split with an ex as I was paying a fortune to have lessons and he wouldn't. Lazy. I actually hate driving but it's a fundamental skill you need as an adult. I drive as little as possible but am very glad I can!

I have to pay and outsource everything. We're lucky that I can, I get that. Gardeners, decorating, cleaning. DH said he'd disassemble and dispose of some knackered old swings and a climbing frame in the garden but he hasn't and it's doing my head in. So I've booked a handy man to come and do it and I'll pay out of the joint account. It's very frustrating.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 06/02/2021 12:36

Hmmmm didn't work with my ex husband. Huge Ackman, I worked full time when my ex lost his job and he still did NOTHING.

daisypond · 06/02/2021 12:40

@redsquirrelfan

I actually don’t see why not driving is a stick to beat people with. Being able to drive doesn’t make you morally superior, or indicate that you are a proper adult

If you have a medical reason to drive (which could include anxiety) that's fair enough. But just deciding that you won't drive and letting your partner do all the driving and taxi-ing around of the kids isn't on.

No. Neither DH or I drive. We don’t have a car. We don’t need a car. We both have driving licences. No one is ferrying anyone around.
gannett · 06/02/2021 12:43

I can't imagine a place where not a single person can drive.

A big city?

Few people I know drive - all professionals in their 30s. No need for it and it's also pretty disgusting on an environmental level. Just take public transport instead.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 06/02/2021 12:44

He works FT,you work PT.He earns more,works more and yet you’re moaning
Why don’t you work more to contribute,take the financial burden off him
You’re really unreasonable if Your only misgiving is that he doesn’t drive

littlepattilou · 06/02/2021 12:45

@gannett

I can't imagine a place where not a single person can drive.

A big city?

Few people I know drive - all professionals in their 30s. No need for it and it's also pretty disgusting on an environmental level. Just take public transport instead.

Typical narrow-minded, obtuse response.

I'm not going to even glorify it with a response back. Your attitude is just too ridiculous and embarrassing for words.

littlepattilou · 06/02/2021 12:45

@daisypond

Don’t be ridiculous. Learning to drive is incredibly expensive and hard to do if you don’t have a car to practise in either. Insurance is astronomical. And they don’t need to drive. So why would anyone waste their money on something so inessential and expensive? That really would be embarrassing.

You keep telling yourself that. Nobody is buying it.

5128gap · 06/02/2021 12:48

[quote littlepattilou]@daisypond

I don’t know anyone who drives/has a car. We don’t have one, and none of our grown-up children can drive.

How embarrassing, for a young adult to not be able to drive. Confused

I hope they are able to learn soon.[/quote]
What a strange comment.
Not only is learning to drive hugely expensive and may be beyond the budget of many young (and not so young) adults, there are many ethical and environmental reasons people choose not to drive.
Why on earth should they be embarrassed by this?

luxxlisbon · 06/02/2021 12:50

@littlepattilou you think it’s embarrassing to not drive, regardless of your lifestyle or where you live in the country and yet other people are narrow-minded?

areyoumeop · 06/02/2021 12:52

my DP is the main breadwinner, i work PT and he does all the decorating after work and at weekends when needed, as well as easy diy which i have never attempted. He cooks better than me and does his fair share of household chores. I also dont drive failedtest3timessogaveup so he has that too , luckily we are in an area with good public transport and other facilities within walking distance.
However since he has been working from home we have had arguments about workloads and i have to admit i am annoyed at him being at home not helping me more when i know he is on work hours and he has said that he thinks he should do less domestic chores as he is the kids goto for school stuff and sees how little i achieve on a day to day basis. He wants us to sit down next week when we should be on half term and discuss further. I think when it is written down i will be the lazy one.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 06/02/2021 12:55

Only on mn is not driving considered such a henious lapse and indicative of poor character
Meanwhile,in Real life it’s really not a big deal

areyoumeop · 06/02/2021 12:55

As for driving , DP is also considering other options and the kids will soon be growing into adults as autonomous cars become more advanced and may never need to learn.

littlepattilou · 06/02/2021 12:57

ELECTING to not drive when you CAN afford it, is embarrassing yes. If you can't afford it, or you have a health condition, that's different, but daisypond said her adult children just don't want to learn, and neither does she, or anyone else she knows apparently. Confused

I am sure they happily take lifts/cadge lifts from the people who HAVE taken the time, AND spent the money on learning though. People like this always do!

And the 'I don't need to drive coz I live in the middle of a city' brigade really piss me off. Many people are not in that situation, and the way they blather on about people harming the environment blah blah blah, when people have no choice but to drive, because of where they live, because of their difficult work shifts, or because of a disability, or their advancing years, is just as 'offensive' as drivers pouring scorn on non-drivers.

littlepattilou · 06/02/2021 12:58

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Only on mn is not driving considered such a henious lapse and indicative of poor character Meanwhile,in Real life it’s really not a big deal
Oh yes it is. People may not say anything to your face, but behind your back you will be slated if you are someone who is perfectly capable of learning to drive, but just can't be arsed.
Phineyj · 06/02/2021 13:00

I drive, DH drives, we have a car each and a classic car as a hobby. We also (in normal times) use public transport and walk a fair bit as we chose our house to be able to do that. It's whether the driving/not driving suits your situation or not. It's hard work to live in a village or small town without driving and there are situations like shifts, emergencies and ferrying small children and heavy things like food shopping and work equipment around where the alternative is expensive and hassly. It's something you need to agree on as a couple for sure.

Regarding the wallpaper, I'm on the fence. Even my very handy BIL outsources that one.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 06/02/2021 13:01

Umm I can drive actually. And no it really isn’t a real life shortcoming
Maybe it matters to the hard of thinking who measure social worth in ability to drive
Meanwhile in real life,it’s no biggie

AgentJohnson · 06/02/2021 13:02

You’re frustrated because despite all evidence to the contrary, you expect him to be someone different.

THIS IS WHO HE IS!

You are not wrong in expecting specific support from a husband but this your husband isn’t that type of husband. Compromise, which means neither of you will always get your way. If he needs transportation then he will have to arrange it himself.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 06/02/2021 13:05

@littlepattilou
Oh yes it is. People may not say anything to your face, but behind your back you will be slated if you are someone who is perfectly capable of learning to drive, but just can't be arsed.

People may do that - but only really horrible people.

daisypond · 06/02/2021 13:07

ELECTING to not drive when you CAN afford it, is embarrassing yes. If you can't afford it, or you have a health condition, that's different, but daisypond said her adult children just don't want to learn, and neither does she, or anyone else she knows apparently. confused

I said nothing of the sort. I said many people I know have driving licences but have no need for a car. No one is cadging lifts , because who would they cadge lifts from? no one has a car. Why would my student children need to learn to drive when they live in a major city with plentiful public transport? If at any time they live somewhere where they may need to drive, then they can learn. I passed my driving test at age 18. I’m now mid-50s. DH and I owned a car for at most three years before deciding it wasn’t necessary. It spent most of the time outside on the road not used.

yvanka · 06/02/2021 13:07

What hours do YOU work?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 06/02/2021 13:07

[quote LalalalalalaLand123]@littlepattilou
Oh yes it is. People may not say anything to your face, but behind your back you will be slated if you are someone who is perfectly capable of learning to drive, but just can't be arsed.

People may do that - but only really horrible people.[/quote]
Yup you nailed it, only petty minded tutty types could possibly get in a froth about not driving

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 06/02/2021 13:13

I have lived in many uk big cities and don’t drive as the transportation is good
I’m In london I don’t know anyone in work or socially who routinely drives
Only people I know who drive are the school wags and pta who are ferrying their kids to multiple must do after school activities

englishbreakfast · 06/02/2021 13:15

Depends on what the difference in working hours is, OP. If he works 40 - 45 hrs pw and you work 20 hrs part-time, I'd expect you to do 20 - 25 hours' worth of housework, cooking, gardening etc. per week. Then, whatever is left over, is shared. That would make it an equal contribution, won't it? I imagine though that 25 hours would cover most of the weekly cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. He should learn to drive obviously and if he refuses to help decorating, would he contribute to getting someone in to do it for you? Not sure that having worked 45 hours pw, I'd want to spend my weekend decorating or doing DIY, unless it was absolutely necessary. Full disclosure, I work full-time. DH is SAHP. He does most of the house stuff (cooking, clearning, laundry), though I do cook at weekends and tidy up (my and DC's stuff), but most of it is on him, that's only fair. I do carry all the mental load though for the family and do all of the home schooling with DC, do baths / bedtimes and all the other DC related stuff. He gets much more time to himself than I do!

englishbreakfast · 06/02/2021 13:22

areyoumeop I think your DH is right to want to do less domestic chores as it sounds like you are getting an easier ride compared to him. Why should you?