to feel utter contempt at DH for being a lazy ******?

[sunglasses1]

We have been married for 20 years and have 3 teenagers. DH is a very good Dad, he is the breadwinner and I have worked part time in a PA role since having the DC’s

AIBU to be pissed off that he doesn’t drive , I have always driven us everywhere, holidays , kids taxi service etc. , he will not do any decorating and he gets upset when I do decorate as he says i don’t do a proper job. I do all the cooking and cleaning plus most of the gardening ...

Under lockdown, I have been feeling more resentful and angry ....

But AIBU to feel like this , seeing as I have always worked part time ,,?

I don't agree with the poster who said household chores should be split equally regardless of how many hours each partner works. The trade off for working less hours is that you do more stuff around the home. That's not sexist or being a cool wife, that's just fair and would apply regardless of the sex of the partner working more hours.

However, if there are things to be done at weekends, then they should be shared as you both deserve to have equal amounts of free time: cooking, washing, gardening, cleaning etc. Three teenagers should also be doing their bit and with them helping out, everyone should have their fair share of free time. Regarding the DIY, I don't want to do that one my weekends off. It's the kind of thing we did in lockdown or when we both have a week off or something. I would suggest saving these jobs for those times
or paying someone to do them.

I also think on this thread people have been pretty dismissive of depression. Depression is a chronic condition for some people and should be given the same respect by people as other illnesses. You wouldn't say the same about someone with a chronic physical condition, so don't make out depression is some kind of cop out for people to be lazy, because it isn't. I really thought thinking on mental health had evolved a bit, but clearly not. I would imagine holding down a full time job with fairly long hours can be
quite draining at times for someone with long term depression.

@ddl1

The question that I'd immediately ask here is could he have some sort of subtle disability that affects his ability to do some of these things, especially driving. I have some co-ordination and visual processing difficulties that prevent me from driving and affect my ability to do some aspects of DIY/ decorating. I am always very anxious about people blaming me for not driving, so it instantly comes to my mind. Things like that shouldn't affect his ability to do basic cleaning, however. And certainly if he can't or won't do things himself, he should not prevent you from doing them or complain that you 'wouldn't do them properly'. I think you probably need to pay whatever you can afford for some help with things like decorating (and he must accept that this means that he has to sacrifice certain luxuries) and/or persuade the kids to do what they can.

My son has ASD, ADD and dyspraxia. He learned to drive when he was 22.

I wouldn't want to date a man who couldn't drive either. It's a drag, I need someone self-sufficient.

It never bothered me originally until I had a hygiene expert show me just how much splashes of urine travel around your bathroom that can't be seen by the naked eye even when you think your cleaning it daily immaculately. My hubby has OCD and cleans all day but when we were show our bathroom under a special light there was urine and bodily fluids all-round the toilet, on the taps, even along the bath where I sometimes support myself again not good on my feet. This was less then an hour after cleaning it because we knew she was coming. It was bad. So now yes I wash my hands everytime. It was just too rank to even consider not doing now.

This makes me so angry. Just because you work part-time, that is irrelevant. Your are not his mother. He should pull his weight at home as you all live there. If you actually look at the hours you put in around the house, looking after the kids, doing admin, cooking etc etc I bet you are putting in way more than 40 hours per week.

I think many women are far too judgy of women who can't get their husbands to step up.

Mine is a genuinely lovely man, he's a great dad, but he has a blind spot with housework and cleaning.

It has been a massive source of marital discord and resentment since Day 1. However, I still cannot get him to recognise that the bathroom has to be cleaned at least once a week, the kitchen worktops need to be wiped and cleaned etc etc.

He will only do "statement" housework not the daily drudgery.

I'm sick of the victim blaming I get when I raise this. I'm sure you will get a thorough bollocking too on this thread. In fact I can't even read it because my blood pressure will go through the roof.

YANBU

Absolutely right Rachel709

YANBU but I'm afraid it's unlikely he'll change now.

I wouldn't have a go at a partner here for not driving (and I am shocked at the number of MNetters who say there's no way they'd have a relationship with a non-driver), but I do agree that a fair division of labour makes for a happy home. Cleaning, gardening and cooking are hardly gender specific, are they ? And if he doesn't decorate, he hasn't got a leg to stand on when you do it and he refuses.

@Bebethany

I think with all the other jobs you do, you work much more than ‘part time’? 💐

How ? How long does it take to clean house or look after teenagers

I think lockdown is going to result in a lot of divorces. My h has dyspraxia and dyslexia and drives. But well, yours won't start now, OP

The only really unusual thing about this situation is that he doesn't drive. That little situation should be rectified.

Look, he's working 40+ hours a week. You work part-time. In an equitable world, you should be doing more of the housework, but not all of it. He needs to step up a bit. So do your children, who are past half-grown. They need the practice so that they can look after themselves in a very few years. Start a chores and household jobs chart. Assign tasks. Make everyone do their own laundry!

As for decorating...I can count the number of (straight) men I know on one hand who care anything about decorating, or who involve themselves in it...either decisions or execution! It is almost a cliché.
What I have done in the past, when I had a DH or DP, was to say, "Would you rather help me hang this paper (or whatever), or hire someone to do it?" And if they said, "don't do it at all," I would reply, "That was not one of the choices!"

@anon666

If you are happy to accept his refusal that is YOUR choice.

There are many woman who don't accept that in a relationship and dump the man, and are happier for it.

Having someone contributing to the work created in a house but refusing to do an equitable share of the work is a deal breaker for a lot of women.

If you are happy to accept it then that is your business and choice, just don't be surprised if lots of women are not happy with it and will advise younger women to get rid of men who refuse to pull their weight in the home.

I cannot imagine a man as a husband and father not driving! He is the man of the house and should be willing to take on the key masculine duties, including driving long distances and doing the decorating and DIY. Personally, I would give him an ultimatum. you deserve to have someone treat you properly and like a queen - he should step up and start acting like a man.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Yanbu. I think there's something uniquely unsexy about men who want/expect to be looked after by women.

ABSOLuTELY !!! Agree with you. Nothing worst than expecting to have a man and ending púnhamo-nos another child to look after... unfortunately is my case as well :(

ending up having .....

I cannot stand the vitriol aimed towards people, especially men, who for whatever reason don't drive..especially on Mumsnet.

I am a man, passed my test 30 years ago I've had two cars as that's what is expected as a man..but I was a terrible driver. Despite putting myself through extreme anxiety and other stress based illnesses trying to 'get used to it' , I stopped. I was dangerous. I just couldn't do it. Passing my test was a fluke.

When I met my partner neither of us had cars, but then we were in a position to get one and I explained I would never drive, and if that was a relationship deal breaker then so be it.

It is unfair on her , and I try and make up for it in other ways.

Unfortunately I cannot escape the contempt my family , friends and even loose acquaintances have for me because I'm a parent that doesn't drive.

I have tried everything, refresher lessons, hypnosis etc , but it's never going to happen.

So, there I am. Not really a man apparently because I am a father that doesn't drive.

@Rachel709

This makes me so angry. Just because you work part-time, that is irrelevant. Your are not his mother. He should pull his weight at home as you all live there. If you actually look at the hours you put in around the house, looking after the kids, doing admin, cooking etc etc I bet you are putting in way more than 40 hours per week.

Well realistically these things don't need to take 40 hours per week. Otherwise people who also have full time jobs, including many single parents would never fit them in. I'm not saying they can't be stretched to fill 40 hours, or that extras can't be found to stay busy for 40 hours, but no way is it essential to spend this long on daily living tasks that many people need to do on top of their full time paid job. At the very minimum, life is easier if you don't have to combine domestic work and a FT job.

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

I cannot imagine a man as a husband and father not driving! He is the man of the house and should be willing to take on the key masculine duties, including driving long distances and doing the decorating and DIY. Personally, I would give him an ultimatum. you deserve to have someone treat you properly and like a queen - he should step up and start acting like a man.

Seriously?

@billy1966

So much anger. "Shouting" at me with capitals. "YOUR" choice. Typical online bullying, no respect for any other opinion but your own.

When you are married with two children, life doesn't come down to a binary choice between stay or leave. To suggest it does is naive or irresponsible.

"LTB" - sure. So easy to say online, ridiculous solution in real life.

I've spent a lifetime confronting it. Things have improved. All I'm saying is it's not equal. And thousands, nay millions, of women are experiencing the same, worse during the pandemic and lockdowns.

Men have to be re-educated and they have to take some responsibility for change. They don't want to change the status quo.

It's very tough to expect individual women to achieve perfection in one generation.

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

I cannot imagine a man as a husband and father not driving! He is the man of the house and should be willing to take on the key masculine duties, including driving long distances and doing the decorating and DIY. Personally, I would give him an ultimatum. you deserve to have someone treat you properly and like a queen - he should step up and start acting like a man.

Missing the 1900's?

Flexi-furloughed?
Is that even allowed?

[quote anon666]@billy1966

So much anger. "Shouting" at me with capitals. "YOUR" choice. Typical online bullying, no respect for any other opinion but your own.

When you are married with two children, life doesn't come down to a binary choice between stay or leave. To suggest it does is naive or irresponsible.

"LTB" - sure. So easy to say online, ridiculous solution in real life.

I've spent a lifetime confronting it. Things have improved. All I'm saying is it's not equal. And thousands, nay millions, of women are experiencing the same, worse during the pandemic and lockdowns.

Men have to be re-educated and they have to take some responsibility for change. They don't want to change the status quo.

It's very tough to expect individual women to achieve perfection in one generation.[/quote]
I agree with this.

So many say... leave, ring a refuge, kick him out

And it’s so unrealistic And unhelpful.

I don't want to make you feel worse but this does not get any better. My husband is retired and I am not exaggerating when I say he does nothing. I do everything, at first I thought he was lazy but there comes a point whete it goes beyond lazy. He only watches TV, it is so depressing. I keep very busy but all the DIY I do is just a crutch. It is very downing. Seems to be many more males doing nothing than female. In fact I don't know of any women doing nothing.

I too passed my test 30 years ago and haven't driven since. The stress was awful, I got a trapped nerve in my neck it was agony. But now it is so impractical that I don't drive, husband was in hospital at one time and the expense of taxis was terrible. I've decided to tackle it again this year I have to drive 😔. But I know what you mean for some of it it is so difficult.