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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel utter contempt at DH for being a lazy ******?

286 replies

sunglasses1 · 06/02/2021 01:06

We have been married for 20 years and have 3 teenagers. DH is a very good Dad, he is the breadwinner and I have worked part time in a PA role since having the DC’s

AIBU to be pissed off that he doesn’t drive , I have always driven us everywhere, holidays , kids taxi service etc. , he will not do any decorating and he gets upset when I do decorate as he says i don’t do a proper job. I do all the cooking and cleaning plus most of the gardening ...

Under lockdown, I have been feeling more resentful and angry ....

But AIBU to feel like this , seeing as I have always worked part time ,,?

OP posts:
littlepattilou · 06/02/2021 11:42

@sunglasses1 You lost me at 'he's a very good dad.' Why do (some) women set the bar so low when it comes to men? Confused

How on EARTH is he a 'good dad?' Confused He is setting a terrible example to his (and your) children!

He doesn't drive and can't be arsed - a definite dealbreaker IMO, he does sod-all in the house, and just lets you do all the cooking, decorating, and gardening!

Big deal he has a job, well so do YOU, and you work all the hours God sends cleaning up after your lazy, unmotivated DH, AND your 3 teenagers!

Just because someone 'has a job,' that doesn't mean they're not bone idle.

I have no suggestions, that other people haven't already given, but you have my utmost sympathy.

Bythemillpond · 06/02/2021 11:43

daisypond
I actually don’t see why not driving is a stick to beat people with. Being able to drive doesn’t make you morally superior, or indicate that you are a proper adult

I wasn’t beating you up for not being able to drive but was amazed you didn’t know a single person who could drive.

I only know one person who doesn’t drive and it is an annoyance to his wife because everything is about how he is going to get from A to B as they live away from public transport as he said he would learn then has never carried on with the lessons.

I know where we live you have to be able to drive. Local supermarket is about 5 miles away and walking isn’t an option and taxis are prohibitive.

Notnownotneverever · 06/02/2021 11:45

I think YABU for wanting help with decorating. I think that is a job for people who enjoy/are good at it or use a professional. If he would not pay for a professional then I retract that. I would be cross to forced in to decorating as it isn’t a skill I have.
However YANBU to expect help with cooking, cleaning and general household jobs like rubbish, gardening, etc. This is not skilled work and should be split in a way that is fair. This is different for each family too so no right way to do this.

5128gap · 06/02/2021 11:45

@Dozer

Part of being a good parent is doing a fair share of domestic work, so he’s doing badly on that score and as a couple it’s not setting a good example to your DCs.

You’re complicit in the status quo and it’s been many years.

To be fair, it could equally be argued that part of being a good parent is to financially provide for your children and OP isn't doing this. Both domestic and paid work are essential to support family life, and children benefit from seeing a parent model a strong (paid) work ethic as well as from one who is seen to share domestic work.
Gwenhwyfar · 06/02/2021 11:46

@MrsTerryPratchett

If he didn't have a wife and kids he'd have to wash his own socks and cook. Why does he do LESS?
Yes, but he wouldn't have to drive and decorate, would he? Food prep and housework are normal, but is the decorating really necessary and they can't afford a decorator?
daisypond · 06/02/2021 11:51

wasn’t beating you up for not being able to drive but was amazed you didn’t know a single person who could drive.

No, I said I didn’t know anyone who could drive/has a car. Many may have a driving licence, but no-one has a car. DH and I both have driving licences but we don’t have a car. My grown-up DC don’t have driving licences. My neighbours or friends hire cars if they want to go away.

ScreamingBeans · 06/02/2021 11:53

Take the SolidGoldBrass formula of how much leisure time each of you have after paid work, commuting, preparing for paid work, childcare, being on call for childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry and other domestic chores, DIY, gardening etc.

If you each have genuine "me time" - for TV, gaming, interweb, reading etc. of about equal numbers of hours over the course of a day or week or month or whatever time-period it is, then you're both pulling your weight.

If one of you has hours more leisure time a week than the other, then that person is not pulling their weight.

daisychain01 · 06/02/2021 11:54

Under lockdown, I have been feeling more resentful and angry ....

@sunglasses1 if I were you, I'd cut each other some slack at the moment.

Don't judge him on how things have been over the last year. The whole situation with COVID-19 has put enormous strain on even the strongest relationships. It's exhausting, it's frustrating and not typical.

Can the decorating wait for now, can you just cover the essentials, or take on something less likely to create tension. If he's working 40+ hours a week, there is no way he is going to have the physical capacity to put any meaningful effort into activities that aren't top priority.

You both need downtime, let go of the words he says, don't cling onto resentment, it will wear you down.

I'd try to tick along and not put you and him under pressure at least at the moment.

Shmithecat2 · 06/02/2021 11:59

YANBU OP. I haven't worked for 6 years (SAHM), DH is the breadwinner. He doesn't lift a finger at home unless I ask him to 'help' and spends a lot of spare time on his hobbies. HOWEVER, he's more than happy to chuck money at stuff ie I wanted a big garden, but don't want to take care of it myself, so we pay for a gardener. I wanted the bedrooms painted when we moved in to our current home, so we paid a decorator to do it. I'm happy doing housework tbh, so I don't have a cleaner, but I hate ironing, so we pay to get that done. He seems to think that him earning the money is the end of his responsibilities. Fair enough, but that money will pick up the slack as well.

daisychain01 · 06/02/2021 12:00

Another thing to let go of, is him not driving.

How is it helpful to be angry and resentful that he can't drive when the country is in lockdown. Realistically, even if he were to say "OK I'll learn to drive", there's nothing either he or you can do in a locked-down country with no driving schools open!

Think about all these worries in terms of Circle of Influence (Things you can control and do something about) and Circle of Concern (Things you may have angst about, but have no control over). Focus on the former, let go of the latter!

Shmithecat2 · 06/02/2021 12:00

I must add though, the lack of driving would've put me off a long time ago.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/02/2021 12:01

@Shmithecat2

I must add though, the lack of driving would've put me off a long time ago.
Yeah but OP married him knowing this so I don't see how she can criticise him now really.
Gwenhwyfar · 06/02/2021 12:03

" Local supermarket is about 5 miles away and walking isn’t an option and taxis are prohibitive."

It's a bit far to walk, but good distance for a bike. People go shopping on a bike all over the world.

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2021 12:12

@Chiccie

I wouldn’t want to spend my day off work wallpapering.
Which is fine if you can afford to pay someone else to do it
Nanny0gg · 06/02/2021 12:13

@Gwenhwyfar

" Local supermarket is about 5 miles away and walking isn’t an option and taxis are prohibitive."

It's a bit far to walk, but good distance for a bike. People go shopping on a bike all over the world.

Depends where you live.

I live in the country but our main roads are overrun with HGVs. Cycling isn't that safe and I couldn't get a week's worth of shopping on a bike anyway.

Thank god for deliveries

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2021 12:16

Why do people on here automatically assume everyone can afford a cleaner/decorator/gardener/nanny/au pair?

Some people do the decorating because that's the only way it'll get done.

daisypond · 06/02/2021 12:20

@Nanny0gg

Why do people on here automatically assume everyone can afford a cleaner/decorator/gardener/nanny/au pair?

Some people do the decorating because that's the only way it'll get done.

They aren’t assuming that. We don’t know if the OP is one of these people who likes to redecorate every six months. Maybe the room was fine as it was. Maybe he liked it and he hated the new wallpaper he’d been forced to buy with his wages. Decorating is hardly essential. It’s a luxury. A nice to have. That’s why it is called decorating.
littlepattilou · 06/02/2021 12:23

Why on earth would anyone decorate their home every six months? Confused

What a colossal waste of time and money.

littlepattilou · 06/02/2021 12:23

@daisypond

I don’t know anyone who drives/has a car. We don’t have one, and none of our grown-up children can drive.

How embarrassing, for a young adult to not be able to drive. Confused

I hope they are able to learn soon.

gannett · 06/02/2021 12:26

A lot of the time people who fixate on redecorating seem to me like they just want to create more hassle for themselves. I hate every aspect of it and am far happier living a slightly lazier, calmer life in a slightly shabbier (but still very adequate) home. If my DP felt the need to redecorate a room he can have at it but it's not something I have any interest in joining in.

No one is ever unreasonable for not driving.

Cooking, cleaning and gardening should of course be divided fairly, taking into account one partner working full-time and one part-time. What couples feel is fair differs but it's best to sort that in advance rather than letting chronic resentment build up.

redsquirrelfan · 06/02/2021 12:27

I actually don’t see why not driving is a stick to beat people with. Being able to drive doesn’t make you morally superior, or indicate that you are a proper adult

If you have a medical reason to drive (which could include anxiety) that's fair enough. But just deciding that you won't drive and letting your partner do all the driving and taxi-ing around of the kids isn't on.

redsquirrelfan · 06/02/2021 12:27

That's medical reason not to drive.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/02/2021 12:28

@redsquirrelfan

I actually don’t see why not driving is a stick to beat people with. Being able to drive doesn’t make you morally superior, or indicate that you are a proper adult

If you have a medical reason to drive (which could include anxiety) that's fair enough. But just deciding that you won't drive and letting your partner do all the driving and taxi-ing around of the kids isn't on.

Likewise you could turn that around and saying working just a few hours and making the other work long hours to fund the bulk of everything isn’t on.
Confusedlady246 · 06/02/2021 12:30

I'm really confused by all these negative comments about driving. I'll be honest, I would rather take public transport than drive any day. The only time I suppose I ever drive is to the train station, which is in walking/bus distance if needs be.

When else is driving required? Driving to the supermarket maybe, but I'd rather have a delivery than be stuck in a ridiculously busy mega store, especially at the moment.

Driving to visit family and friends isn't necessary providing you have decent public transport links.

I wouldn't drive to/from the airport anyway as the last thing I want to do after a flight is drive.

Really confused to be honest. I know many people who do not drive and others who do drive, but choose not to. It really isn't a big deal.

Different story if you live somewhere incredibly rural though.

daisypond · 06/02/2021 12:33

[quote littlepattilou]@daisypond

I don’t know anyone who drives/has a car. We don’t have one, and none of our grown-up children can drive.

How embarrassing, for a young adult to not be able to drive. Confused

I hope they are able to learn soon.[/quote]
Don’t be ridiculous. Learning to drive is incredibly expensive and hard to do if you don’t have a car to practise in either. Insurance is astronomical. And they don’t need to drive. So why would anyone waste their money on something so inessential and expensive? That really would be embarrassing.

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