How often do married couples really have sex??

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My husband has always wanted a lot of sex. We’ve been together 12 years, married 7 and have 2 older children (mine) and two younger ones (ours).
I’m tired, all the time! I have some health issues which cause chronic fatigue and lots of muscle and joint pains but I still work part time, deal with the house and kids and try to carry on with life as best I can, like we all do.
But he wants sex++, everyday if I’d do it! I’ve tried to give him more and recently we’ve been ‘doing things’ at least twice a week if not more. I’m exhausted and in more pain than I’ve ever been. I don’t really enjoy it anymore, he’s very big (10 stone heavier than when we met!) I just don’t feel attracted to him. But if I say no (usually he’ll text me from work or somewhere else in the house to tell me he wants it that night or even sooner) he repeatedly asks and then gets annoyed then gets moody and arsey with me, sometimes for days, until I eventually give in. In between that time, before I give in, we’ll argue about everything and sometimes I end up saying really mean things just to get him to leave me alone... I hate the person I become. His version of arguing is shouting and swearing even in front of the kids and I hate it! He says I’m never affectionate to him and he feels unloved but if I do so much as give him a hug he takes it as a come-on and won’t leave me alone. He acts as if I should be pleased he finds me so attractive, maybe I’m just being selfish.

So I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable not to have sex with him more. We have gone through patches where we don’t for a week or two and he carries on and on about it, but to be honest I just don’t want it anymore. Recently I’ve made a huge effort, yet I said no the other day because frankly I’m in too much pain all over and it’s been arguments ever since. I’m so miserable.

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He sounds awful, you’re not just a walking hole.

He’s bullying you into sex, I’d go off it too plus you’re in pain 😲.

I absolutely could not live with a sex pest. I’d be telling him to sling his hook.

Normally 2-3 times a week but sometimes less, depending on my levels of tiredness.
I’m not surprised you feel the way you do, he is coercing you into sex and you’re doing it to please him, which is neither right or healthy.

I'm so sorry you are married to a disgusting bully.

Stop seeing sex as something you give him. It is supposed to be a mutual pleasure!

I'd definitely be telling him to stop the pathetic texts.

We don't have as much sex as one of the team would like but what your dh (disgusting not dear) does wouldn't happen here.

Once or twice a week, I’d like wee bit more but life and exhaustion and all that. Your husband sounds like a sex pest and needs to learn no means no.

He sounds awful OP he must be killing your confidence it isn't normal behaviour he is harassing you.
I know the DC get all the attention but that is life he is sn adult and should share the load. If only he knew loving caring men who respect the DC are easily loved it is not on arguing in front of the DC.
Is he supporting you financially it would be nicer to go at it alone.

OP I'mso sorry. How often others have sex isn't really the issue. You DH is using coercive behaviour to get you to engage in sex that you dont want, dont enjoy and find painful. That us sexual abuse. He sulks and emotionally hurts you if you don't comply. That is emotional abuse. You need to leave this toxic relationship. I'm so sorry you are treated this way. I hope your health also improves. Best wishes xx

A man who shouts and swears at you, is nasty to you unless you have sex despite it being clear you’re not well or enjoying it. I’m not surprised you don’t want to have sex with him.

Nothing in your post would inspire love for a person who treats you so badly.

Ex used to constantly demand sex, however many times we had sex it was never enough or it didn’t count. He was a horrible nasty dickhead who I didn’t want anywhere near me.

How do you want to resolve this?

There are a few issues here, but the most pressing one is that he's bullying you into having sex with him.

He's behaving like a child who wants extra time on his xbox, not a grown man in a grown-up relationship. Being arsey, shouting and swearing in front of his children until you give in is ABUSIVE.

Nothing would clamp my fanny up faster than if my DH started behaving like yours.

Grim.

He sounds awful OP he is pressurising you all the time - what do you get out of this relationship?

What does he do apart from treat you as a sex object

LTB

He sounds like a vile abusive bully.

What kind of partner wants sex when they know the person they are supposed to love will end up in extreme pain?

I’m not married but been with DP for almost 17 years, the first 2/3 years we had sex a lot, then when I had our son, everything changed. I have a thyroid disease which inhabits well over 20 different symptoms. Low libido was one that appeared after my pregnancy. We started to get it back slowly then I had my daughter. It’s never come back fully. I don’t think it helps that DS has asd so takes a lot of my time and coupled with work I’m an exhausted pigeon by the end of the day. He goes on about sex daily and I feel pressured. I understand hes fraustrated and sometimes feel a bit sorry for him, I can’t help it though and every night when I’m not in the mood he goes on about trying the next night which then stresses me out all day that I’m going to let him down. It’s not like I’m not attracted to him and when we do do it , it’s actually amazing.
I did lose my shit one day after he went on and on and on about it so I told him maybe he should find someone that wants to fuck him everyday if he’s that desperate. He stopped asking me 24/7 but has since started again ☹️

Others have already said it, but it doesn't matter a jot how often others have sex. Your husband is a dick. I'm sorry.

Your post is shocking in various ways but the thing that always seems to be prevalent in these posts is that the partner asks for sex and then sulks if he doesn't get it. It's as though he believes that sex is to be enjoyed by him and performed by you, as a wifely duty.

Would he happily reverse the roles, i.e. do things you wanted solely for your benefit/pleasure? Does he make an effort to show you affection, to please you, to turn you on? Or is it just "can we have sex tonight? No? Oh for fuck's sake, you never want sex" - as though his behaviour has no bearing on whether you want it or not!

Do you want to live like this for another few decades?

I really don't think it matters how often over couples have sex. You're more likely to get replies from people here who do it regularly and are happy with this.

Your issues are around how attracted you are to your husband and how he behaves. So trying to guage what is reasonable isn't gonna work!

Also you have a specific set of circumstances which are for example very different from my own as a child free person who has no disabilities. So comparing won't do much.

OP he sounds awful.

A little bit of weight gain is normal after a few years, and we shouldn't be shallow....blah blah blah....

10 stone is a HUGE weight gain though. Plus he sounds like an absolute tosspot.

I'm so sorry

Average once a week. (Toddler and pregnant)
When not pregnant I’d say twice a week...

But there’s nothing worse than if he asks for it. Ultimate turn off, all spontaneous in this house!

The problem is him, he's not very reasonable, he's coercing you. Just wrong. You need to seriously consider your life m, it's not about frequency of sex.

In answer to your title, varies so much! With exh once or twice a month, with dp 2-3 times a week, I would most days tbh.

Tell him he's too large and you don't fancy him because of his enormous weight gain He's a sex pest so that would be an instant turn off!

He sounds like a bullying arse who could not care less about your wants and feelings OP. I wouldn't want him anywhere near me x.

Married 30 years. Anything from once a week to every day, depending on everything else (sleep, physical aches, etc).

If dh was like yours, even once, even as a blip, it would be never again.

He doesn’t even want it if I’m not in the mood (and vice versa).

Active consent is important, even after decades of marriage.

He sounds gross! He should never ever put you in a position like this and to swear and shout at you is low.
Every marriage is different, So it won't make a difference if I say my husband and I have sex x amount. You need to have a serious talk with him. Let him read your post. It might hurt him but at the end of the day you should be able to talk to one another

Oh God - I hate sex. We are older (60s) but I just cannot be bothered with it. What is the point? Rather have my own bed and a quiet night than all that boring stuff.

I agree with PP the issue isn't the amount but your husband's attitude. He sounds like a big fat sweaty pervert, I would get rid.

The problem is not the frequency of the sex, it’s the coercive nature of it.
DH and I don’t have a lot of sex. Mainly because he doesn’t have a huge sex drive and post kids mine isn’t great either. But we are intimate in lots of other ways and he’s a kind and good man. So if he did want sex, and I said no, he would never ever insist.