How often do married couples really have sex??

[PlsSendWine]

My husband has always wanted a lot of sex. We’ve been together 12 years, married 7 and have 2 older children (mine) and two younger ones (ours).
I’m tired, all the time! I have some health issues which cause chronic fatigue and lots of muscle and joint pains but I still work part time, deal with the house and kids and try to carry on with life as best I can, like we all do.
But he wants sex++, everyday if I’d do it! I’ve tried to give him more and recently we’ve been ‘doing things’ at least twice a week if not more. I’m exhausted and in more pain than I’ve ever been. I don’t really enjoy it anymore, he’s very big (10 stone heavier than when we met!) I just don’t feel attracted to him. But if I say no (usually he’ll text me from work or somewhere else in the house to tell me he wants it that night or even sooner) he repeatedly asks and then gets annoyed then gets moody and arsey with me, sometimes for days, until I eventually give in. In between that time, before I give in, we’ll argue about everything and sometimes I end up saying really mean things just to get him to leave me alone... I hate the person I become. His version of arguing is shouting and swearing even in front of the kids and I hate it! He says I’m never affectionate to him and he feels unloved but if I do so much as give him a hug he takes it as a come-on and won’t leave me alone. He acts as if I should be pleased he finds me so attractive, maybe I’m just being selfish.

So I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable not to have sex with him more. We have gone through patches where we don’t for a week or two and he carries on and on about it, but to be honest I just don’t want it anymore. Recently I’ve made a huge effort, yet I said no the other day because frankly I’m in too much pain all over and it’s been arguments ever since. I’m so miserable.

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I really hope you phone Women’s Aid. They will just talk things through with you. It doesn’t mean you have to leave straight away. But just help you start to realise that he is abusive and sexually abusive. I used to work for a domestic abuse service and we absolutely got cases like yours. No wonder you feel depressed.

@YouJustDoYouI’m so glad someone else feels like this, I honestly feel like this a lot of the time

I honestly just don't understand the societal drive for constant sex, and that if you have no drive for it, you're "wrong", or "you need to go to the gp", or "you've just not met the right man/woman".

Sometimes I do wish I felt the same as everyone else, I wish I did have a drive, but as I've never had one, it's hard to understand. I give dh3what he wants because at the end I do feel close to him but ALSO he has changed from when we were younger, he understands now sex isn't comfortable for me and never pushes me, which mentally helps hugely. He doesn't sulk any more, and hasn't for over a decade, if I'm not mentally ready for it that evening. I do enjoy the feeling of closeness right at the end of the act....Its just, sex is like olives for me. I don't like olives. I've never liked olives. No matter how much someone tells.me "you've just not tried the right olive", I just don't enjoy olives.

Married 22 years this year
Me early 40s DH 54
My son 25 still lives at home but is often away working so we get plenty of time to ourselves
Some times every day for a few days like the last few days as my son isn’t at home
But generally every other day in one way or another 😂
Love him dearly & I find him very attractive
We are always kissing and touching holding hands
When we first met though probably 2-3 times a day most days
We have had quite periods over the years where neither of us can be bothered for a week or so
I suffer from a bad back and on strong tablets so sometimes that can affect me but I’m always happy to help him out as such 😂
I couldn’t be with some I didn’t fancy physically
Your husband sounds abusive and a asshole
28 stone that’s not overweight that’s morbidly obese and seriously unhealthy
He’s keeping you in place as he knows that very few woman would put up with his shit and his weight

And I meant to add
It doesn’t matter what other couples do as everyone is different
It only matters what you want to do and if you don’t want to have sex then you shouldn’t have to put up with him moaning and bitching

I just wanted to know how you made that first step xx

It’s just not that simple with kids, dogs, house, debts ....... I have no way out that would be healthy for the kids.

It sounds hard, but I’ve read many accounts in the Relationship section of women in the same position making good new lives away from their abusive partners. Perhaps either report your post and ask MN to move it or start a new discussion in Relationships? People who have been through the same as you will know all the ways of making it work and give you great advice. You don’t have to do anything with that advice but the knowledge could make you feel better.

There’s also a Health section where you can discuss your fibro if you like too

The enormity of the fallout for the kids, for me, with his VERY loyal family who I know would think it all my fault, is terrifying

It would probably help to discuss it all with a counsellor or poster in Relationships. Obviously I don’t know you or your situation, but it’s very easy to catastrophise and sometimes outsiders can help break issues down into manageable chunks that make the whole far less daunting. Change is often scary and stressful anyway, even when the result is positive.

@YouJustDoYou

My dh used to be the same. Three times a day, every bloody day he wanted it, and god forbid I was too sore (he's a "big and thick" guy down there, which is honestly horrid), or too tired (he would want it midnight , start rubbing it on me at 5am, and then want it again midday). Sex is, and always has been, very uncomfortable for me. Even now that we've been together 20 years, he stills needs sex at least once a week, so it's better the it was, but by Christ, I can't even just cook at the stove without him "helping himself" as he puts it, to my breasts, because "he can't help it that he loves me". No. You're a man. That's just lust, not "love" that you're feeling.

Yes, this! Exactly this!

@YouJustDoYou @AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii Some people are asexual and that's ok. xxx

Been with husband about 16 years. We have peaks and troughs. Sometimes we'll do it three or four times a week. Sometimes just once. On average I would say it's about twice a week.

@SoulofanAggron I don’t think I’m asexual I just don’t have the urge as much now as I did before the kids and working/uni. I get into it and enjoy it once we get going but then I’m happy to go a few weeks before having it again, it’s just not something I give a lot of thought to? Thankfully I have a DH who isn’t a pest

He's angling for an affair. If gets caught, will blame you.

I often wondered if he was a sex addict but he wasn’t like that with his other exes and would actually withdraw sex from them as he wasn’t very interested. I think for him he thought he could control me during sex (and because I’m clearly the shag of the century haha!).

@Strongerthanilook Withholding sex is just another way of controlling women through it, of course.

@YouJustDoYou

My dh used to be the same. Three times a day, every bloody day he wanted it, and god forbid I was too sore (he's a "big and thick" guy down there, which is honestly horrid), or too tired (he would want it midnight , start rubbing it on me at 5am, and then want it again midday). Sex is, and always has been, very uncomfortable for me. Even now that we've been together 20 years, he stills needs sex at least once a week, so it's better the it was, but by Christ, I can't even just cook at the stove without him "helping himself" as he puts it, to my breasts, because "he can't help it that he loves me". No. You're a man. That's just lust, not "love" that you're feeling.

Why do you stay ?

I wouldn't want to have sex with him ever. His behaviour is terrible Does he not know how to wank

@Skittles98

Don't know why people are replying with how much sex they have which is totally irrelevant.

Some couples want sex everyday, some couples want sex once a month, some hardly ever have it.

The problem here isn't how much you have, it's that your husband is abusive. No one should make you have sex when you don't want to.

Do you love him at all? From your OP it sounds like you're only together because you have kids. If you can, I would ask him to leave. You'd be so much better off without a sex pest who shouts and swears at you and you'll probably get to enjoy great sex with yourself instead.

Sorry you're having to go through this. Hope you manage to change your DH's behavior or get out of this situation.

Because the op asked the question

Well done op for taking the first step xx
If you've been able to talk to womens aid they will be an enormous support for you.
You deserve so much better than how your H is making you live.it doesn't matter what anyone else (him, his family) think. You are the one who knows what's happening and how living with him and giving in to his demands are affecting you.
You might want to start a new post in relationships for some more support there too

@MyMushroomsInATimeSlip

Well done op for taking the first step xx If you've been able to talk to womens aid they will be an enormous support for you. You deserve so much better than how your H is making you live.it doesn't matter what anyone else (him, his family) think. You are the one who knows what's happening and how living with him and giving in to his demands are affecting you. You might want to start a new post in relationships for some more support there too

Thank you. I spoken to him again since getting strength from all the helpful posters here. I’ve laid down an ultimatum saying there will be no sex at all until I feel we have a proper loving relationship again and used wording people have used on here to get my points across - I also made it clear that if and when I do want sex again, that doesn’t open the floodgates and it will still only happen again on my terms. I’ve also said that his shouting and swearing is a deal breaker from now on and if he does it again then either he goes or if he’s so selfish as to want to unsettle the kids (one autistic) then I will take them snd leave (we can go to my mum’s if we had to). I honestly feel I’ve been traumatised by it all. I’m not sure I’ll be able to move forward with him but feel I need to try for the kids’ sake.

This is great to read OP.
Hope things improve in the future whatever that ends up looking like.

Well done OP for finding the strength to do that. Stick to it. Best wishes x

I'm divorced. I went through a phase of not wanting sex, though as time went on I wanted dtd more. ExH had ED due to a medical condition.... so maybe twice a year eventually.

Now I'm single and in lockdown, I reckon I would have it every day/twice a day. But where do I find a partner to match?

Well done @PlsSendWine xxxx If he does act up then act on what you've said. And if you still feel that you can't carry on with him even if he stops the behaviours, it's still ok to draw the line then, too.

Glad you have somewhere you can go. xxx

Now I'm single and in lockdown, I reckon I would have it every day/twice a day. But where do I find a partner to match?

@ItisLikethis This is a bit of a tangent from the thread. But Lovehoney Magic Wand.

@SoulofanAggron

Well done *@PlsSendWine* xxxx If he does act up then act on what you've said. And if you still feel that you can't carry on with him even if he stops the behaviours, it's still ok to draw the line then, too.

Glad you have somewhere you can go. xxx

Thank you, yours and lots of others’ support has given me so much strength. xx

@snowliving

This is great to read OP. Hope things improve in the future whatever that ends up looking like.

Thank you xx