How often do married couples really have sex??

[PlsSendWine]

My husband has always wanted a lot of sex. We’ve been together 12 years, married 7 and have 2 older children (mine) and two younger ones (ours).
I’m tired, all the time! I have some health issues which cause chronic fatigue and lots of muscle and joint pains but I still work part time, deal with the house and kids and try to carry on with life as best I can, like we all do.
But he wants sex++, everyday if I’d do it! I’ve tried to give him more and recently we’ve been ‘doing things’ at least twice a week if not more. I’m exhausted and in more pain than I’ve ever been. I don’t really enjoy it anymore, he’s very big (10 stone heavier than when we met!) I just don’t feel attracted to him. But if I say no (usually he’ll text me from work or somewhere else in the house to tell me he wants it that night or even sooner) he repeatedly asks and then gets annoyed then gets moody and arsey with me, sometimes for days, until I eventually give in. In between that time, before I give in, we’ll argue about everything and sometimes I end up saying really mean things just to get him to leave me alone... I hate the person I become. His version of arguing is shouting and swearing even in front of the kids and I hate it! He says I’m never affectionate to him and he feels unloved but if I do so much as give him a hug he takes it as a come-on and won’t leave me alone. He acts as if I should be pleased he finds me so attractive, maybe I’m just being selfish.

So I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable not to have sex with him more. We have gone through patches where we don’t for a week or two and he carries on and on about it, but to be honest I just don’t want it anymore. Recently I’ve made a huge effort, yet I said no the other day because frankly I’m in too much pain all over and it’s been arguments ever since. I’m so miserable.

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I don't think this is even pestering. This looks like something even worse especially since it goes on for days and days

He sounds awful. Tell him to lose the 10 stone and then you may reconsider - will give you a couple of years reprieve! For him to knowingly hurt you is unacceptable.

Why do you stay with him?

Couple of times a month. I'm in my 40s with two kids

Always too tired and can't be bothered!!

Same for all my fiends, give or take

The sex frequency isnt the problem @PlsSendWine

• your husband doesnt care that you are tired or in pain
• he uses emotional manipulation to coerce you into sex (moody, sulking, abusive behaviour if you dont)

-he is verbally abusive in front of your children

• he believes that sex and intimacy and affection are all the same thing (they're not)
• he dismisses how you are feeling about it "you should be flattered"
• you are no longer physically attracted to him

^ I wouldnt want to have sex with this man

The dynamic between you has become awful and you have engaged in some unhelpful behaviour of your own:

• insulting him/verbal abuse

Your marriage probably needs counselling, and if he isnt interested in that then you may need to consider if youd be better off apart. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Frequency of sex and sexual attraction isn’t the issue here, your DH being an abusive sex pest is!
You have a health issue that he is ignoring and probably unsympathetic of
You do all the housework and childcare?
What does he do except pester you for sex?
I’d better he also takes every opportunity to touch you inappropriately and make lewd comments
OP, it is ok to be unhappy and want to leave but if this isn’t the case you need to tell him how you feel and how he makes you feel

It doesn’t matter what anyone else does OP. You’re regularly in pain, he’s a bully who is verbally abusive to you and to your children and he’s the size of an extra person bigger than he was which must have changed things. He’s not doing you a favour finding you attractive and he’s behaving in a disgusting way harassing you and demanding you service him shoring no care or consideration for your health or wellbeing. You must know that’s more important than how much other people are shagging.

This is a toxic environment for children to live in. Can you see that?

Once a quarter. We agreed once a month but that was over ambitious 😂

We have sex 4 times a week, my dh would have it daily if he could however he never ever posters me or gets huffy if I'm not in the mood. Your dh is a dick

When married it was probably 2 or 3 times a week at the beginning, then maybe 1 or 2 times a month in the middle, then probably not at all for the lash year

A few years back I had a relationship with a partner who liked sex a lot, which seemed great, but thinking back she did pester me a bit..

More recently not for the last almost 3 years,.

But yes, of course you husband is being ridiculously unreasonable

*pesters

OP he sounds god-awful - a sex pest, to put it politely. His behaviour is abusive. He is treating you in a terrible way. Personally I see his behaviour as so bad I would need to leave him entirely. You deserve respect, and he has none for you.

I think op that this is one of those posts where maybe you could ask a different question. The frequency of everyone else having sex is irrelevant to you but the fact that your husband attempts to bully and push you into sex that you don't want - is. Is that acceptable to you? Nothing more off-putting than someone that begs for sex, this goes beyond that. I hope you can see that you don't deserve that kind of treatment, and it isn't right on his part?

10 stone is a whole other person of weight! I would struggle with that plus the rest of it urgh

He needs to take a lot more exercise.

He is a sex pest.
I'd like to make more time for it DS doesn't sleep DD is always around the opportunity is planned and rare since March.

At least 17 times a day, why aren’t you.
Joke
He’s an abusive cunt

I think 1-3 times a week. Never more than that.

But the real issue is not how often we have sex (us on mumsnet) but rather how your husband is making you feel .

We've been holding off for 12 weeks while I'm pregnant (we both said once we seen the scan we'd resume as normal) I think it was more of a psychological thing following a miscarriage. DH was incredibly anxious so we decided to wait.

Prior to that - before we had our first DS we were at it like rabbits 4-5 times a week.

After DS 2-3 times a week, sometimes more if we had the opportunity. Also sometimes less, if we're tired etc. Always have lots of cuddles though

I was always a once a fortnight woman once I'd got into a relationship. Hoping that's changed- I get far more pleasure from sex these days and when I can be with people again I'm hoping to be at least a once a week person! But who knows.

TBH with your husband, how about never? Only you know whether this is a bad patch or whether this is unsalvageable. Sounds like it might be over.

Once a week usually, less if it is a busy work/ I am tired/ one of us is ill.

I genuinely don’t think I’d ever want to have sex if my DH pestered me like yours is. Texting to tell me he wanted to have sex that night would be a definite no - let alone the nagging. Nothing makes me less likely to want sex than being nagged about it

Sex has to be something that you're both in the right frame of mind for and both active participants in.

It's not something that you should ever do to appease your partner. Ever.

Thankfully me and my hubby have similar sex drives. 2 to 3 times a month is standard for us.

F until I can read in full

If he was my DH I would have zero libido. He is a vile sex pest who clearly puts his own gratification ahead of your well-being.

The more he pressures you, the less you'll want it and the less he'll get. What would he say if you said this to him?