How often do married couples really have sex??

[PlsSendWine]

My husband has always wanted a lot of sex. We’ve been together 12 years, married 7 and have 2 older children (mine) and two younger ones (ours).
I’m tired, all the time! I have some health issues which cause chronic fatigue and lots of muscle and joint pains but I still work part time, deal with the house and kids and try to carry on with life as best I can, like we all do.
But he wants sex++, everyday if I’d do it! I’ve tried to give him more and recently we’ve been ‘doing things’ at least twice a week if not more. I’m exhausted and in more pain than I’ve ever been. I don’t really enjoy it anymore, he’s very big (10 stone heavier than when we met!) I just don’t feel attracted to him. But if I say no (usually he’ll text me from work or somewhere else in the house to tell me he wants it that night or even sooner) he repeatedly asks and then gets annoyed then gets moody and arsey with me, sometimes for days, until I eventually give in. In between that time, before I give in, we’ll argue about everything and sometimes I end up saying really mean things just to get him to leave me alone... I hate the person I become. His version of arguing is shouting and swearing even in front of the kids and I hate it! He says I’m never affectionate to him and he feels unloved but if I do so much as give him a hug he takes it as a come-on and won’t leave me alone. He acts as if I should be pleased he finds me so attractive, maybe I’m just being selfish.

So I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable not to have sex with him more. We have gone through patches where we don’t for a week or two and he carries on and on about it, but to be honest I just don’t want it anymore. Recently I’ve made a huge effort, yet I said no the other day because frankly I’m in too much pain all over and it’s been arguments ever since. I’m so miserable.

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Once a week max and that is more than enough for me!

It doesn't matter how many times others do it...

It's fine for him to ask. Even every day. But it is unacceptable to behave the way he does if you say no!.

And you know it. You know it

Your husband is fucking horrible. Why on earth are you living this way? Your poor children.

Looks to me like most people haven't read beyond the title...

Well I don't blame you OP, as well as being tired and having health issues I can't say I'd find a man 10 stone heavier and pestering at all attractive.

literally ever bloody hour hun xx

Woah, several times weekly 😂

I mean I get I am the other end of the spectrum (last time was July 23rd 2017 when I conceived DD) but yeah, no.

We have a loving relationship but sex isn't something either of us particularly enjoy 😂🙈

Once a week average.

Men who are hassling sex pets are massively unattractive. That would completely put me off.

It doesn't matter what other couples do. If you're not in the mood then you're not in the mood. Nobody has the right to expect sex on demand.

As others have said it's totally irrelevant how often other people are having sex. It's how you're being treated that's the issue you should be concerned about. It's not ok to behave like your husband is. You're in pain and he doesn't care. That is the problem.

I would be talking him he is getting nothing till he loses 10 stones. That's a horrendous amount of weight gain. Just tell him your not attracted to him looking like that and if he wants a sexy life he better get on a diet

Hopefully it takes him 3 years to lose the weight ..... in the mean time you have a perfect excuse not to sleep with the horror that he is.

SchrodingersImmigrant
You're right

Once or twice a week. Sometimes a bit more. We'd both like it a bit more, but, you know, life kids!

Once or twice a month, been together 16 years, we both want more but are so exhausted and have zero privacy. I could not put up with what you are, most nights I'm so tired I want to cry and I'm not even in pain!

This sounds dreadful.He is doing this as he has got used to it.You need to absolutely put your foot down and say no thanks. Explain that you dont want sex every day and that him pestering you relentlessly will not make you desire him more - quite the opposite. Tell him he needs to tackle his self care and lay off.You are in pain and tired and dont feeling like just gritting your teeth and putting out !

@Notgoingonholiday

SchrodingersImmigrant You're right

It looks so wrong when people joke on this thread doesn't it

It's not even that long OP!

Whoops, I'm guilty of not reading beyond the title. I'm sorry.

Other people's sex lives aren't relevant here.

These threads are always filled with couples who have sex multiple times a week. That is certainly not the same picture that I get when talking to my friends in real life (all of us 40s with kids of a range of ages from baby to teen).

But I completely agree with PP he sounds completely unreasonable in his demands and you shouldn't feel pressured to say yes.

He must be morbidly obese?
Surely if he wants to obsess about getting something every day, it should be exercise.

Do you think this is more about an insecurity that needs reassurance than actual sex?

He knows he is enormous, knows you are probably less attractive to him so seeks out lots of sex to reassure himself that he has still got it?

There is an amazing book about relationships called ‘Hold me Tight’ where the psychologist author divides sex into 3 types.

One type is ‘solace sex’ which is basically just to reassure one or both parties that ‘things must be fine, we are still having sex’

It’s not really about the sex though, obviously

When we first got together it would be a few times a day, after I had dd it was still most days. After ds it has dropped to 3-4 times a week which seems to suit us both.

Your bigger issue is his reaction when you decline and also the lack of attraction. You are going to need to talk about it at some point if you want to move forward.

He’s pestering you for sex
He’s 10st heavier than when you got married

Sex leaves you in pain
He doesn’t help around the house or with the kids
He gets annoyed with you if you refuse

I’d never have sex with him again with all of that going on.

Do you love him? Do you want to be with him? Ace you talked about all of this?

Mine has put on 10 stone or so since we met nearly 20 years ago too, i don't find it attractive but he never behaves like you describe.

I don't think that's normal to be trying to get him to leave you alone by being horrible to him

If my husband gained 10 stone since we got married we'd be having sex zero times a week.

Once or twice a week. Been together 15 years...3 kids