How often do married couples really have sex??

[PlsSendWine]

My husband has always wanted a lot of sex. We’ve been together 12 years, married 7 and have 2 older children (mine) and two younger ones (ours).
I’m tired, all the time! I have some health issues which cause chronic fatigue and lots of muscle and joint pains but I still work part time, deal with the house and kids and try to carry on with life as best I can, like we all do.
But he wants sex++, everyday if I’d do it! I’ve tried to give him more and recently we’ve been ‘doing things’ at least twice a week if not more. I’m exhausted and in more pain than I’ve ever been. I don’t really enjoy it anymore, he’s very big (10 stone heavier than when we met!) I just don’t feel attracted to him. But if I say no (usually he’ll text me from work or somewhere else in the house to tell me he wants it that night or even sooner) he repeatedly asks and then gets annoyed then gets moody and arsey with me, sometimes for days, until I eventually give in. In between that time, before I give in, we’ll argue about everything and sometimes I end up saying really mean things just to get him to leave me alone... I hate the person I become. His version of arguing is shouting and swearing even in front of the kids and I hate it! He says I’m never affectionate to him and he feels unloved but if I do so much as give him a hug he takes it as a come-on and won’t leave me alone. He acts as if I should be pleased he finds me so attractive, maybe I’m just being selfish.

So I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable not to have sex with him more. We have gone through patches where we don’t for a week or two and he carries on and on about it, but to be honest I just don’t want it anymore. Recently I’ve made a huge effort, yet I said no the other day because frankly I’m in too much pain all over and it’s been arguments ever since. I’m so miserable.

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Mine did too.

It took a professional to point it out: it’s rape.

Everything you’re saying here is really helpful, but I just feel overwhelmed.
He won’t go off the deep end until it’s got to a point in the ‘conversation’ where he realises it’s definitely not going to happen, then he turns nastier.
My doctors aren’t much help tbh I’ve had antidepressants and painkillers thrown at me for years. I don’t want to be on the antidepressants, I hate them.

This is your LIFE. You only get one.

It will be hard if you split, financially it may well be hard. But you can manage that - thousands and thousands of women manage. And it will be so much easier because you will be in charge of what you do, and not walking on eggshells all the time. You will be free.

@PlsSendWine are you telling your doctors the real problem, though?

Time to get an appointment with the GP and lay it all out to him/her everything and don’t hide it either. Pain is horrible. Abuse is horrible you don’t have to live like that ever.

Take it day to day.

You know this is wrong and now are seeing the scales fall.

Find that anger but baby steps you’ll get there

My doctors aren’t much help tbh I’ve had antidepressants and painkillers thrown at me for years. I don’t want to be on the antidepressants, I hate them.

@PlsSendWine There are dozens of meds they can try, they're not all the same, especially nowadays. New things are being developed all the time. But I think the previous poster also/mainly meant for your pain levels, fibro etc. It's worth going back. Not that you should do it for your husband's benefit.

The PP is right who says you don't want to shag him and that'd be enough even if you were both professional athletes. If you don't want it, you don't want it, and it's not ok for him to nag.

If you feel down it'll be partly because of the situation- there's nothing wrong with you if it gets to you. It woulld get to anyone. Counselling might help you feel more able to get out of the situation. It will be effecting your pain levels too, to be under all this pressure and stuff all the time, even without the physical impact of what he's doing.

Once every couple of months, if I'm lucky. I don't make him feel bad about it though but it does make me feel shitty tbh

Together almost 16 years. Last time was March or April last year, prior to that was once every month or so, maybe less, for about 4-5 years. For the first 9-10 years, it was once/twice a week.

Op I'm so sorry you're going through this. He is definitely abusive and other posters are right it is rape and of course nobody ever deserves this. You deserve so much better, OP. I'm so sorry he has manipulated you and worn you down for so long, what a dick.

You deserve better. It probably feels completely overwhelming just now, but I promise you you have so much strength inside you. You are dealing with painful health conditions and that on its own shows you are a warrior.

The GP may be trying to push antidepressants, but even if you took antidepressants, the tablets can't stop the sheer misery of abuse.

Life doesn't have to be this way, you deserve better. Please consider speaking to a friend or your gp or women's aid or somebody to help you with this because nobody can do it on their own! You and your children deserve to live in a healthy environment.

Take care of yourself OP, I am here and completely rooting for you as I'm sure we all are. I believe in you!

You can change things even though the DC love him I'm sure the older DC have picked up on his attitude.
It sounds like you're at the end of your tether he has wore you down it is hard to find strength and see clearly in the middle of it.
Don't stay for the DC it'll hurt them more than helping them.

Fibro flares with stress lose 20 odd stone from your life your health will improve.

@FrankButchersDickieBow

Agree with pp saying amount of sex irrelevant.

Being pestered for sex and then being treated like dirt when you don't want to be coerced into it, is an absolute turn off.

He sounds horrible and disrespectful. Who would want to shag that!

This

I think you need to decide if you really want to stay in a relationship with this repulsive man. His behaviour is appalling. Take care of yourself

As others have said, your issue isn't mismatched sex drives, its that your husband is a sex pest who behaves like an absolute arse when he doesn't get what he wants. It's not surprising you don't want to have sex with him, he sounds like a total fuckwit to be honest.

But in answer to your question, we've been married 15 years and have tween kids. We have sex on average a couple of times per week, but some weeks it doesn't happen at all, and other weeks it happens more often. Just depends on how we're both feeling and what else we have going on.

@PlsSendWine I always worry about posts like this because the issue isn't how much other people have sex. Asking that question generally opens yourself up to feeling like your partner is right and you are wrong and should give in. That's not okay.

No one should be pestering for sex, I actually think this is an abusive power imbalance in a relationship and always signifies many other things are not okay. Reading your post, it's clear lots isn't okay.

I wouldn't be having any sex with a man like that. Though that isn't the point either.

Can you try and get some counselling or support to help you have a space to focus on what you want, what you get out of this relationship and how you can stick to your own boundaries. Aside from that, painful sex is awful and you shouldn't be in a position of worrying about that. Take the time you need to get support without feeling you have to compromise and have sex when you don't want to.

You aren't in the wrong here.

Before Covid, 4-5 times a week; since Covid, 2, maybe 3, times a week. We are both fine with the temporary reduction, as we are completely exhausted.

@SingingLoud

If my husband gained 10 stone since we got married we'd be having sex zero times a week.

Agreed. Hope you're ok OP.

We've been together 7 years. Lucky if I get it twice a week... currently having sex once a week. I have a high sex drive, DH doesn't but when we do have it, it's incredible.

He works long hours and we have a baby. Definitely gets in the way...!

@Marinaloves

Literally no one has sex every single day. That’s fucking bullshit

😂

this is what it might come to but I think it would be awful as he wouldn’t be nice.

He's not being nice now. He's throwing you crumbs of kindness to manipulate you into sex. That's not nice even when it looks a bit like it.

I think you should try as hard as you can to leave. But at the very least you need to stop having unwanted sex. You might not want to call it rape but sex that someone manipulates the other person into having when they KNOW that person doesn't want it is rape.

God, nothing kills a sex drive like a petulant man.

I think blunt is your only option. Tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable, you won't put up with it any more and sex is completely off the table for a month while you think about what you want and he shows you why you should keep him around. Make it clear that you're in crisis talks and it's a 'my way or the highway' situation.

I'd find it repulsive if I couldn't hug my boyfriend without him humping my leg.

@StamfordHill

Strange that many times have I read feminists' opposition to women being portrayed as the gatekeepers of sex. But from these kind of threads - and there are many like this one - it's clear they absolutely are.

You might not understand consent. Welcome to it. BOTH parties are the gatekeepers to sex. BOTH parties (or all ten if you play that way) need to fully, freely consent for sex to happen.

Ironically I'd argue that other men are problematic for men that would like more sex. Had non-committed sex been safe, non-judged, pleasurable and consensual when I was in my 20s I would have had a LOT more of it. But it was dangerous, judged, frequently shit (porn addled idiots) and you couldn't ever just shag who you wanted without consequences. For the woman of course. Men have ruined it for other men.

He sounds absolutely revolting.

You might not understand consent. Welcome to it. BOTH parties are the gatekeepers to sex. BOTH parties (or all ten if you play that way) need to fully, freely consent for sex to happen.

Very well put @MrsTerryPratchett

PlsSendWine I am so sorry that he is such a truly horrible, vile man. And in your shoes I would get down the GP, get as fighting fit as you can and then get to a divorce solicitor.

He is abusive.

"So I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable not to have sex with him more." I voted you were not being unreasonable, but you definitely do not need a reason to leave if you are unhappy, and you have a whole ton of reasons to leave.

I wonder if your health would improve without him being around. Less abuse = Less stress, less flare ups.
More control over your own life.

I bet you'd be much happier!
And in tern the kids would be happier.

I'd like it every night.
DH too if he didnt suffer from chronic pain :(

Lifestyle makes a difference, he goes to bed very early as has very early starts, me not late but later. We try and coincide at weekends but even then its not always.