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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How often do married couples really have sex??

393 replies

PlsSendWine · 04/02/2021 18:17

My husband has always wanted a lot of sex. We’ve been together 12 years, married 7 and have 2 older children (mine) and two younger ones (ours).
I’m tired, all the time! I have some health issues which cause chronic fatigue and lots of muscle and joint pains but I still work part time, deal with the house and kids and try to carry on with life as best I can, like we all do.
But he wants sex++, everyday if I’d do it! I’ve tried to give him more and recently we’ve been ‘doing things’ at least twice a week if not more. I’m exhausted and in more pain than I’ve ever been. I don’t really enjoy it anymore, he’s very big (10 stone heavier than when we met!) I just don’t feel attracted to him. But if I say no (usually he’ll text me from work or somewhere else in the house to tell me he wants it that night or even sooner) he repeatedly asks and then gets annoyed then gets moody and arsey with me, sometimes for days, until I eventually give in. In between that time, before I give in, we’ll argue about everything and sometimes I end up saying really mean things just to get him to leave me alone... I hate the person I become. His version of arguing is shouting and swearing even in front of the kids and I hate it! He says I’m never affectionate to him and he feels unloved but if I do so much as give him a hug he takes it as a come-on and won’t leave me alone. He acts as if I should be pleased he finds me so attractive, maybe I’m just being selfish.

So I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable not to have sex with him more. We have gone through patches where we don’t for a week or two and he carries on and on about it, but to be honest I just don’t want it anymore. Recently I’ve made a huge effort, yet I said no the other day because frankly I’m in too much pain all over and it’s been arguments ever since. I’m so miserable.

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OP posts:
wewereliars · 04/02/2021 22:50

Sell the house your life is not healthy for the kids. I have pretty much been where you are. I am now rid of him, the worst year of my life and I never have to be in the same room as him again. You can do the same

CrochetToTheMoon · 04/02/2021 22:58

We’re early 30’s, been together 7 years, married 2 with 4yr old twins and honestly we easily go 4-5 weeks without. I’d say its once a month. It used to be a lot more regular but we’re just so knackered been work, the kids and having zero time to ourselves.

Neither of us pressure the other and I’d honestly consider leaving someone who did - actually I did. My ex had a list of reasons that I left for but one was the pressuring for sex and wanting me to do things I wasn’t comfortable with.

Original poster
PlsSendWine · 04/02/2021 23:08

@wewereliars

Find your anger, that will get you out of there. You can't stay in this situation, and the children are being damaged whether you realise it or not. Speak to womens aid and speak to a good divorce lawyer. He does not have the right to do this to you, and you have every right to call time. Do not show him this thread, do not warn him. He is not your friend. If there is any support you can call on in real life, you need it now. You can re write your life and it will be hard and so worth it. Resolve that you won't be where you are now a year from now.
Thank you
OP posts:
laidbacklife · 04/02/2021 23:10

Who on earth are the 2% who voted YABU??!!! I sincerely hope they mis-voted. Either that or your DH is an active participant in this thread!

WineIsMyMainVice · 04/02/2021 23:11

As I read your I notice that every time you mention having sex it’s because you’ve “given in”. As others have said he’s behaving like a sex pest! You don’t deserve this, especially if you’re in pain!
I don’t know what to suggest but good luck op.

RootyT00t · 04/02/2021 23:11

@laidbacklife

Who on earth are the 2% who voted YABU??!!! I sincerely hope they mis-voted. Either that or your DH is an active participant in this thread!
A misread I think.

But I also think OP needs to reframe the question and OP. This isn't about how much sex they have bless her.

Tubs11 · 04/02/2021 23:14

Couldn't tell you how often, definitely not 2-3 times a week, but when we're in the mood and often there's lots of intimacy without full blown sex on the lead up. I think if my partner pestered me every day or expect a schedule of some sort I'd find that a massive turn off. Question is could you fancy your partner if he didn't pester you so much and what would work for you or get you in the mood? If it's an outright no or nothing then I think that's a bigger issue.

SoulofanAggron · 04/02/2021 23:15

I felt sad reading your book post. I have a lot of autoimmune conditions and there is no way I could put up with someone like your dh. It’s one of the reasons I left my now ex Dh. When you’re already in a lot of pain and discomfort the thought of being physical with someone else feels like such an invasion.

You understand. X

@PlsSendWine @Bagelsandbrie Yes, Even if you weren't poorly, being pressured for sex is awful and not ok.

My friend told me years ago that her (then fairly new) boyfriend shagged her when her hip was dislocated. I should've said at the time, 'hang on a minute, that's r*pe.' Maybe I would've helped her avoid years of abuse. She eventually left but not until after he'd done even more awful things.

I suppose it means they have no respect for you as people, they know you're in pain but they're treating you as objects, and ones they aren't even caring about.

Lalliella · 04/02/2021 23:18

Your husband wants you to have sex even though it hurts you and is mean to you if you say no? OP he sounds repulsive, and that’s before you build in the weight issues. You are being abused and you need to get help.

blueleonburger · 04/02/2021 23:18

3-4 times a month probably. He’d have it everyday if he could but knows I wouldn’t be into it. Can you negotiate with your DH? Tell him what he can do to help you get in the mood and enjoy it your end. Instead of him just thinking about himself.

Eloisedublin123 · 04/02/2021 23:19

Last summer 😳

Lalliella · 04/02/2021 23:20

By the way the important thing here is absolutely not how often other people have sex. It’s about how you quite understandably don’t want to have it and your husband is effectively forcing you to.

Original poster
PlsSendWine · 04/02/2021 23:21

@WineIsMyMainVice

As I read your I notice that every time you mention having sex it’s because you’ve “given in”. As others have said he’s behaving like a sex pest! You don’t deserve this, especially if you’re in pain! I don’t know what to suggest but good luck op.
I’m really overwhelmed by everyone’s comments, he’s made me think for so long that I’m not being a good enough wife.
OP posts:
RootyT00t · 04/02/2021 23:22

oh OP please get help with this.

BrilliantBetty · 04/02/2021 23:27

This sounds like a really horrible situation.
I'm sorry for you OP.

You shouldn't ever feel forced in to having sex. His mood swings/ arguments are emotional blackmail. You are miserable and no signs of things getting better. You don't have to continue like this.

And 10 stone weight gain Shock. It is completely reasonable if you no longer find him attractive, especially given this and the fact he is virtually harassing you.

TheGoogleMum · 04/02/2021 23:27

Ha probably twice a month which seems to be less than most on here. DH would like it more. I'm tired a lot and have sleep issues so prioritise sleep and suffer with headaches a lot.

Dullardmullard · 04/02/2021 23:34

Tell him no and if he sulks ignore him like you would a toddler

Do not give in to his demands

Will he talk or just go off the deep end.

What he is doing is sexual assault, coercive control and illegal now.
They’ll be other things there to he’s doing

You say the kids adore him and him them bet they don’t it’ll be fear and appeasing him and he’s using the I’ll not leave because of the kids bullshit

Yes it’s not easy leaving it’s bloody hard to leave because of the unknown.

Phone woman’s aid and have a chat with them they may open your eyes to what he really is

Keep talking on here too

Plus have you been to the GP for all ailments and have the right scripts for all to.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 04/02/2021 23:35

Coerces you into sex, is emotionally and verbally abusive, is 10 stone overweight hmmm what are his good points?

Krazynights34 · 04/02/2021 23:36

I’m going to say lots of people on here haven’t read all your posts...
But.. you can leave! A house is nothing. You can share dog’s advice children

Haffiana · 04/02/2021 23:36

It’s just not that simple with kids, dogs, house, debts ....... I have no way out that would be healthy for the kids.

If your daughter was grown up and married to a man like this, what would you say to her?

mswales · 04/02/2021 23:36

Hi OP, there is a lot of support out there for you to end the relationship and figure out all the things which feel impossible right now, including getting separate living arrangements - please do contact Women's Aid or a similar org. This relationship sounds so abusive and soul destroying and like a previous poster said it is absolutely NOT good for your kids for you to stay in it. It will be incredibly hard and painful but there is a much better life out there for you and your kids will be so much better off. Good luck and big hugs

Original poster
PlsSendWine · 04/02/2021 23:42

@Dullardmullard

Tell him no and if he sulks ignore him like you would a toddler

Do not give in to his demands

Will he talk or just go off the deep end.

What he is doing is sexual assault, coercive control and illegal now.
They’ll be other things there to he’s doing

You say the kids adore him and him them bet they don’t it’ll be fear and appeasing him and he’s using the I’ll not leave because of the kids bullshit

Yes it’s not easy leaving it’s bloody hard to leave because of the unknown.

Phone woman’s aid and have a chat with them they may open your eyes to what he really is

Keep talking on here too

Plus have you been to the GP for all ailments and have the right scripts for all to.

Everything you’re saying here is really helpful, but I just feel overwhelmed. He won’t go off the deep end until it’s got to a point in the ‘conversation’ where he realises it’s definitely not going to happen, then he turns nastier. My doctors aren’t much help tbh I’ve had antidepressants and painkillers thrown at me for years. I don’t want to be on the antidepressants, I hate them.
OP posts:
oldyellerbeller · 04/02/2021 23:43

We go through phases of once a week/ once a day but usually somewhere in between. Twice this week so far. Married 8 years.

Your husband is a wanker

Haffiana · 04/02/2021 23:44

Also, you don't have to be in pain in order to want to turn down sex. He doesn't have to be 10 stone overweight in order for you to not want to have sex with him. You can simply not want to. You are not a sex toy.

If you simply do not want sex then you shouldn't be being pressured into it 'to keep the peace'.

What sort of man wants to hump a woman who is clearly not wanting it? No normal man would do that to someone he should love and cherish, someone who is the mother of his children?

LalalalalalaLand123 · 04/02/2021 23:45

There’s a word for it: rape. He is raping you. He knows he is. He doesn’t care.

This. Sadly. I'm so sorry OP. Please leave him.