How often do married couples really have sex??

[PlsSendWine]

My husband has always wanted a lot of sex. We’ve been together 12 years, married 7 and have 2 older children (mine) and two younger ones (ours).
I’m tired, all the time! I have some health issues which cause chronic fatigue and lots of muscle and joint pains but I still work part time, deal with the house and kids and try to carry on with life as best I can, like we all do.
But he wants sex++, everyday if I’d do it! I’ve tried to give him more and recently we’ve been ‘doing things’ at least twice a week if not more. I’m exhausted and in more pain than I’ve ever been. I don’t really enjoy it anymore, he’s very big (10 stone heavier than when we met!) I just don’t feel attracted to him. But if I say no (usually he’ll text me from work or somewhere else in the house to tell me he wants it that night or even sooner) he repeatedly asks and then gets annoyed then gets moody and arsey with me, sometimes for days, until I eventually give in. In between that time, before I give in, we’ll argue about everything and sometimes I end up saying really mean things just to get him to leave me alone... I hate the person I become. His version of arguing is shouting and swearing even in front of the kids and I hate it! He says I’m never affectionate to him and he feels unloved but if I do so much as give him a hug he takes it as a come-on and won’t leave me alone. He acts as if I should be pleased he finds me so attractive, maybe I’m just being selfish.

So I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable not to have sex with him more. We have gone through patches where we don’t for a week or two and he carries on and on about it, but to be honest I just don’t want it anymore. Recently I’ve made a huge effort, yet I said no the other day because frankly I’m in too much pain all over and it’s been arguments ever since. I’m so miserable.

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""we’ll argue about everything and sometimes I end up saying really mean things just to get him to leave me alone... I hate the person I become. His version of arguing is shouting and swearing even in front of the kids and I hate it""

This is not about sex or quantity
It s about a terrible awful relationship
Harmful for dc
Leave
Tell GP everything
See a counsellor
See a divorce lawyer
Virtually

I don't think there's a right answer to that question, every couple is different. Your husband sounds like a sex pest though trying to coerce you into having sex all the time. That's gross

Haven't read the thread, but AIBUs with phrases like ...

My husband has always wanted a lot of sex.

always remind me of the Woody Allen movie

Man talking to therapist: "We hardly ever have sex
Jump to woman talking to therapist: "He wants sex all the time"
Therapist, separately to each: "How often do you have sex?"
Man and women together, in split-screen: "Three times a week"

@Italiangreyhound

PlsSendWine I am so sorry that he is such a truly horrible, vile man. And in your shoes I would get down the GP, get as fighting fit as you can and then get to a divorce solicitor.

He is abusive.

"So I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable not to have sex with him more." I voted you were not being unreasonable, but you definitely do not need a reason to leave if you are unhappy, and you have a whole ton of reasons to leave.

The enormity of the fallout for the kids, for me, with his VERY loyal family who I know would think it all my fault, is terrifying.

Yes, it is terrifying. Big changes always are. But better days will come if you can find your courage.
It's nothing to do with his family. It is your life. People who would judge are not worth the time of day. Some family they are in any case who have created this entitled misogynistic abuser. Screw them op, he's not raping them on a regular basis

3 times a day minimum

Most nights for us, after several years together.
But 10 stone more than when you met? I wouldn't want that lump on top of me!

We've got three teenagers and I'm shit at silent shagging so it's difficult, about once a week at the moment. We occasionally take the Land Rover out after dark , find some where secluded and do a bit of stealth bonking. A girl has her needs.

As much as we want. If I don't feel like it it's no big deal, if DH doesn't, again no problem. Sometimes we have sex lots, sometimes none for weeks. I'm sometimes ambivalent but think why the heck and get into it, I'm sure DH is the same. I never feel like I'm obligated to service DH.

It sounds really unhealthy in your relationship. Sex should be fun and reaffirm your love and affection for each other not a chore. It also sounds like the basics in your relationship like respect, good communication and affection are not there. I'd focus on your well-being and your relationship before worrying about how often you have sex.

The enormity of the fallout for the kids, for me, with his VERY loyal family who I know would think it all my fault, is terrifying.

Honestly OP, this just reaffirms that he is a horrible partner. If he wouldn't try and separate amicably for the sake of the DC.
His family might side with him, but that's ok, you won't have to be a part of their family any more or see / speak to them if they're being awful. Get legal advice from a family solicitor!! Most will have a chat with you (up to half an hour) free of charge.

Gosh your husband sounds bloody awful. Men don't realise how much of a turn off it is to be a pest about sex. I think you need to assess if he deserves to be with you at all.

I feel a bit guilty - I havent had sex with my husband for about a year, since having our first baby but he doesn't really mention it. I think my baby might have removed my libido on his way out!! :-/

Before we had our last baby we tended to do it most nights but I think the stress of lockdowns, being stuck in each other’s company most of the time, not being able to do anything we enjoy plus having a baby on top of a 2 year old and 3 older DC, just can’t be bothered tbh. He would still have it every night if it were up to him but I’m too knackered so it’s 1-2 times a week if that.

Should add that homeschooling makes things worse. I’m just too frazzled and stressed by everything to even think about having sex.

"The enormity of the fallout for the kids, for me, with his VERY loyal family who I know would think it all my fault, is terrifying."

Dear OP my heart breaks for all you are carrying. My child has chronic fatigue and chronic pain symptoms and it's truly horrible to see.

To think you are bearing all that, and looking after 4 kids and being pestered Into sex you don't want by a massive fucking winey baby is horrendous.

Please, please get some counselling just for you. Notwith your so called partner. Get your head straight, get your heath as good as it can be.

If you stay tell him sex will only be when you both feel like it. And maybe he will go elsewhere, permanently, which would feel like it would be a relief. (If I were in your shoes.)

Although, twenty plus stone of entitled, arrogant winey man is not easily going to find a new mate easily.

Do you want to stay or go?

Please, please do not stay because his family would take his side. Honestly, work out your finances, work on your mental health and self esteem, set a date and decide if you want to be gone by it or to stay. (I know how hard that sounds.)

Your life. Your choice

Phone women's aid. Cover your tracks. If you want to stay set out ground rules for how you want to live. He needs to know deeply unappealing his behaviour is.

If you want to break up, then you work out what to do.

Is the home rented it owned, whose name etc. The fallout night be massive but imagine losing twenty plus stone of pain in the arse sex pest!

You need to be the centre of your own life. Yes, our kids are important and we might be willing to literally give up our lives for them them - but in a normal situation what one does is take care of yourself so you have the strength to look after the kids.

If there is any love left between you, you for him or him for you, he will get his weight down and start treating you with respect and he will work out how to make himself worthy of you..

Don't show your hand until you know if you want to stay or go.

And frankly Fuck his family, you are bringing up his children and he is making it much harder.

Looks are not everything and being overweight is not a crime but 10 stone over is putting his health at massive risk. He may not get to se his children grow up.

Married nearly 10 years, average probably once a week. I'd be content with once a fortnight, DH would like 2 or 3 times a week, so we meet in the middle!

We go months in between 😔

PlsSendWine

"I just don’t see a way out. In the first lockdown I’d had enough of his anger and treading on the eggshells and told him to leave. He refused...I don’t have any way of making him, we both pay the mortgage and bills so I don’t have any legal right to make him go."

If your marriage is over you would both need (eventually) to leave your current home and find new places. If you jointly own it you'd need to sell and buy elsewhere. If you rent it's maybe simpler. When your lease runs out you go elsewhere. You'll probably need to downsize because your joint incomes will now need to fund two places.

My friend thought she could keep their lovely home after the divorce but he had the kids sometimes and needed a new place so she did downsize. I am sure it is not easy but better than being stuck in a home you are very unhappy in.

Another friend has a completely sexless marriage. She doesn't want sex but they have stayed together, presumably 'for the kids'.

I think you will have options it is just working out what they are. Being coerced into sex with this man is not in your best interests. You need to start looking out for you.

@Italiangreyhound

Please, please get some counselling just for you. Notwith your so called partner. Get your head straight, get your heath as good as it can be.

If you stay tell him sex will only be when you both feel like it. And maybe he will go elsewhere, permanently, which would feel like it would be a relief. (If I were in your shoes.)

Although, twenty plus stone of entitled, arrogant winey man is not easily going to find a new mate easily.

Do you want to stay or go?

He’s around 28 stone. We go through patches where I think I’m happy, we’re getting on and I feel like having some sex but it’s a cycle, he starts being a grumpy, angry person again, so I don’t want to be near him, let alone intimate, then of course we’re back to the pestering then arguing again.

@Italiangreyhound

Please, please do not stay because his family would take his side. Honestly, work out your finances, work on your mental health and self esteem, set a date and decide if you want to be gone by it or to stay. (I know how hard that sounds.)

Your life. Your choice

Phone women's aid. Cover your tracks. If you want to stay set out ground rules for how you want to live. He needs to know deeply unappealing his behaviour is.

If you want to break up, then you work out what to do.

Is the home rented it owned, whose name etc. The fallout night be massive but imagine losing twenty plus stone of pain in the arse sex pest!

You need to be the centre of your own life. Yes, our kids are important and we might be willing to literally give up our lives for them them - but in a normal situation what one does is take care of yourself so you have the strength to look after the kids.

If there is any love left between you, you for him or him for you, he will get his weight down and start treating you with respect and he will work out how to make himself worthy of you..

Don't show your hand until you know if you want to stay or go.

And frankly Fuck his family, you are bringing up his children and he is making it much harder.

Looks are not everything and being overweight is not a crime but 10 stone over is putting his health at massive risk. He may not get to se his children grow up.

Thank you for the clear advice. I do still love him. He says he loves me but I’m not so sure.

I clicked YABU. And you are. To stay with him.

What a horrible way to live. Get rid and enjoy the rest of YOUR life.

Wow he's an arse.

Atm once a month but it changes. We have a toddler.

You have rights too...

The fact you're not sure he loves you op is the saddest thing

What do you love about him OP?