How often do married couples really have sex??

[PlsSendWine]

My husband has always wanted a lot of sex. We’ve been together 12 years, married 7 and have 2 older children (mine) and two younger ones (ours).
I’m tired, all the time! I have some health issues which cause chronic fatigue and lots of muscle and joint pains but I still work part time, deal with the house and kids and try to carry on with life as best I can, like we all do.
But he wants sex++, everyday if I’d do it! I’ve tried to give him more and recently we’ve been ‘doing things’ at least twice a week if not more. I’m exhausted and in more pain than I’ve ever been. I don’t really enjoy it anymore, he’s very big (10 stone heavier than when we met!) I just don’t feel attracted to him. But if I say no (usually he’ll text me from work or somewhere else in the house to tell me he wants it that night or even sooner) he repeatedly asks and then gets annoyed then gets moody and arsey with me, sometimes for days, until I eventually give in. In between that time, before I give in, we’ll argue about everything and sometimes I end up saying really mean things just to get him to leave me alone... I hate the person I become. His version of arguing is shouting and swearing even in front of the kids and I hate it! He says I’m never affectionate to him and he feels unloved but if I do so much as give him a hug he takes it as a come-on and won’t leave me alone. He acts as if I should be pleased he finds me so attractive, maybe I’m just being selfish.

So I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable not to have sex with him more. We have gone through patches where we don’t for a week or two and he carries on and on about it, but to be honest I just don’t want it anymore. Recently I’ve made a huge effort, yet I said no the other day because frankly I’m in too much pain all over and it’s been arguments ever since. I’m so miserable.

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Every day but that hasn't always been the case we just have more spare time together now than when our kids were younger 🤷‍♀️

@Lelophants

The fact you're not sure he loves you op is the saddest thing

I just feel like all he really wants from me is sex. He says that’s because he loves me but I don’t feel he values anything else about me.

He sounds absolutely grim.

@RootyT00t

What do you love about him OP?

I’m struggling to think of something that I can answer that is always there you know? Life with him is so inconsistent On a good day he can be funny 🤷🏻‍♀️

@PlsSendWine

What would you say to a pal in your shoes?

Maybe if you start with counseling just for yourself.
And take it from there.

I could have written this. So much of this rang true, especially the 'giving him a hug and he takes it as a come on' bit. I coped with it for years but in the end I left him. I had sex when I didn't want to, just because if I didn't, family life would be unbearable.
We are now divorced.

"Thank you for the clear advice. I do still love him. He says he loves me but I’m not so sure."

I don't want to advise, I'm not a counsellor and I've not been in your shoes. But I wanted to try and just point out there are options. None are easy.

Does he love you? You don't know. Maybe he doesn't know either.

Is he behaving in a way that you find loving?
Is he treating you as you want to be treated?
Would you be happier and healthier not being married to him?
Would you be happier and healthier not being coerced into sex with him?

These may be things that are easier to answer.

If, having asked yourself these questions honestly and found the answers, you can work out a way to get where you want to be, that would be good.

Sex can be fairly boring. I don't envy people having a lot of sex. But I don't feel sorry for them either. Is it consensual and wanted? That's the key for me.

I am lucky that I want it occasionally and my husband is a very brilliant lover and kind. He is not massively overweight and I don't fear saying no.

Sex sometimes brings intimacy.

I think the question you asked (how often) was so wide and realistically it doesn't matter how often fir others or how 'we' feel about it. But It matters how you feel in your own life.

1 maybe 2 times a week

Shame as last year during the January period it was about 6 times a week, it was amazing.. not bad after 15 years together.

Good for you @isitsummertimeyet
Now read the thread...

@anxietygirl76

I could have written this. So much of this rang true, especially the 'giving him a hug and he takes it as a come on' bit. I coped with it for years but in the end I left him. I had sex when I didn't want to, just because if I didn't, family life would be unbearable. We are now divorced.

Would you mind if I inbox you? x

If you want to I don't know how private messages work on here. I can try and help but I'm really not over it don't think I ever will be.think I need some help actually

28st? Oh god I just couldn’t, it sounds gross.

Like when you see elephant seals mating, you feel so sorry for the females.

Have you told him his weight is an issue & you’re no longer sexually attracted to him?

10 stone is a lot. He isn’t physically the same person you married. Yes people change but that amount of weight gain is significant.

If I put on 10 stone I wouldn’t blame a partner for feeling differently about me on a sexual level. Because I would also feel unattractive at that weight - so it would seem arrogant to expect people to want to have with you When you’ve made yourself unattractive.

I would tell him honestly you don’t want to have sex anymore

Don’t have sex you don’t want. It’s not good for your psyche.

I just feel like all he really wants from me is sex. He says that’s because he loves me but I don’t feel he values anything else about me

This is what makes me sad, because these men would be like this with ANY available hole that has breasts attached. They say it's "because I love you", which is utterly, utterly laughable, because if they truly loved you they would never ever get arsey with you because you would spread your legs in just a few days. That's not love. They're just horny.

Every 2-3 days at the moment as TTC. But DH would love it daily or even twice daily!

I have a condition that causes chronic pain and is especially bad at night. So I often reject his advances more than I should considering we’d like another baby.

Have you tried sex at different times of day eg when you have more energy or your pain meds are just kicking in? I sometimes take a day off work or wfh so we can do it mid/morning when DC at school especially around ovulation.

Have you tried different positions so he’s not leaning on you as much? Encouraging him to come as quickly as possible? Mine loves certain lingerie so wearing that speeds up the act!

1-2 times some weeks 2-3 times a week at others! It really depends where I am in my cycle 😂 if I had my way I'd have sex every day on my period.

My dh used to be the same. Three times a day, every bloody day he wanted it, and god forbid I was too sore (he's a "big and thick" guy down there, which is honestly horrid), or too tired (he would want it midnight , start rubbing it on me at 5am, and then want it again midday). Sex is, and always has been, very uncomfortable for me. Even now that we've been together 20 years, he stills needs sex at least once a week, so it's better the it was, but by Christ, I can't even just cook at the stove without him "helping himself" as he puts it, to my breasts, because "he can't help it that he loves me". No. You're a man. That's just lust, not "love" that you're feeling.

God I feel bad with how much married people are having sex! We maybe have sex every other week? We have a 12, 7 and 5 year old. I’m knackered I work in community nursing so on my feet all day, then the kids to sort and I’m also in the middle of doing my nursing degree through the open uni. DH husband works late a lot of nights so im usually nearly sleeping by the time he gets in. I also think being on birth control doesn’t help, switched from the pill to the injection so no accidents happened while I’m at uni and my drive is through the floor, DH getting a vasectomy once he can

Your husband is obese and bullying you into sex. Then When you don’t he punishes you.
This is not a relationship, what a horrible man to do this to you.
On your Q, once a week but friends have it far, far less

Don't know why people are replying with how much sex they have which is totally irrelevant.

Some couples want sex everyday, some couples want sex once a month, some hardly ever have it.

The problem here isn't how much you have, it's that your husband is abusive. No one should make you have sex when you don't want to.

Do you love him at all? From your OP it sounds like you're only together because you have kids. If you can, I would ask him to leave. You'd be so much better off without a sex pest who shouts and swears at you and you'll probably get to enjoy great sex with yourself instead.

Sorry you're having to go through this. Hope you manage to change your DH's behavior or get out of this situation.

Three under 7.5 here, we have sex maybe once a week. I could happily never have it (I've never, ever experienced having a "drive"), but I do it because men are animals and need it to feel happy, and it's not so bad as he's finishing because I do feel.close to him them, but in general I utterly don't care about or need it at all and would be far, far happier never having it again.

Been together for nearly 20 years, married 12 this year.
Two children ages 10 and 6.
These days husband has a lower sex drive than me- it averages once a week, occasionally twice.
I would love more. It is what it is.
I feel for you op, it doesn't sound very pleasant.

If my partner gained 10 stone I would go off him physically and that’s before we get to the bit where he keeps wining for sex.

28 stone isn’t just a bit overweight it’s bloody horrific, and tbh that’s probably one of the reasons why he refuses to leave, because he knows that if you divorced him no other woman would touch him with a barge pole.

@YouJustDoYou I’m so glad someone else feels like this, I honestly feel like this a lot of the time