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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband’s sister-in-law and job

189 replies

SweetSouberry · 04/02/2021 15:24

My husband’s brother is in a relationship with a very successful woman. They are due to be married but obviously now the wedding is up in the air.
She is in a position to put some work in my husband’s, her future brother-in-law’s way but she has refused as she said she would find it awkward if things went wrong.
We could genuinely do with the money.
Am I right to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Mylittlepony374 · 04/02/2021 15:48

She's right. You starting a thread about this proves she's right.

tara66 · 04/02/2021 15:49

Yes - keep the 2 things separate.

Triffid1 · 04/02/2021 15:50

Would he be doing the work for her directly or would it just be on her recommendation?

Overall, this is quite a common response from women (as per rest of this thread). I read an interesting piece once that made the point that men are more likely to recommend friends/family/random acquaintances but the reason is because they also don't feel responsible if it doesn't work out. Ie, they'll make the introduction but if the work is then commissioned, they are now out of it.

So if that's what you're looking for - ie her to introduce her BIL to someone who could give him some work but where the quality of his work will have to stand up - I can understand your feelings.

But, if it's about him doing the work for her/her team or whatever, then it is tricky because she's right in that she will be blamed if it doesn't go well.

luxxlisbon · 04/02/2021 15:50

Yes YABU if you are pissed off about this. Maybe she doesn't want to work with your husband or doesn't think he is very good and this is a diplomatic way of saying. Whatever the reason she is allowed to chose who she works with.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 04/02/2021 15:51

Never mix business with family. It ruined our family dynamic when it went wrong.
If she's wary then maybe she's had problems in the past that inform her decision

altforvarmt · 04/02/2021 15:52

As a general rule, she's right not to mix business and family.

And in this specific case, given that you're pissed off, and also so convinced that you're in the right that you've posted here to say you're pissed off, she is doubly right.

Yikes, OP.

HowQuicklyTwoAndTwenty890 · 04/02/2021 15:53

I am completely in agreement with her, I am afraid.

Never mix business with friends and family. It has the potential to cause too many problems.

Also, just because she is marrying your husband;'s brother does not mean she owes her 'future BIL' anything at all in terms of business favours. And depending on what business she is in it might actively be against a professional regulatory protocol or something.

She is very wise indeed. I can understan dif it feels a bit disappointing, bvut if things went badly wrong on either side it would make for strained family relations so thankfully you have avoided that.

MarieG10 · 04/02/2021 15:55

I think she is very sensible but as you have identified, not putting work to a family member can also cause tension as they feel aggrieved.

I have also had with neighbours when we had major work undertaken and I didn't ask them to tender. I didn't for the same reason that I wanted a fairly tight contract, with penalties etc and was just ripe to end up falling out if the standard wasn't top quality.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2021 15:56

Given your entitled reaction then she’s made the right decision,

Mrsmadevans · 04/02/2021 15:57

I think she is very wise business and family do not mix.
I am sorry you are in need of this work OP but please don't take it personally [flowes]

diddl · 04/02/2021 15:57

I can see her point.

Although if he has a good reputation it's a shame.

But probably the best thing to do.

visitorfromtheplanetzog · 04/02/2021 15:57

I think it depends very much on the type of work you are talking about, and without knowing, it's hard to comment.

Jsnn · 04/02/2021 15:57

I think its a little more complicated than just don't mix business and family.

Basically everyone globally mixes business and family except for some reason middle and working class in western countries (mostly white). They seem to favour meritocracy but they are the only people globally that do (please feel free to correct me if you know of another group that's like that)

So I understand why if you fall into this category it can seem unfair when you see other groups of people who are given work/money/opportunities simply because they are a member of a certain community or family ties.

But this is just how it is. You shouldn't be mad at your soon to be SIL. She is playing by the rules in western society.

BlueCatRedCat · 04/02/2021 15:57

YABVU, and if the tone of your OP reflects your attitude in RL, she has clocked you as a CF and would do right to steer clear of you.

icelollycraving · 04/02/2021 15:58

If you are already pissed off, I’d say she’s made the right decision.

ememem84 · 04/02/2021 15:58

Agree. she's right to keep things separate. it could cause assorts of chaos if things went wrong.

StephenBelafonte · 04/02/2021 15:59

Yes YABU. We could all genuinely do with more money lol.

Freddiefox · 04/02/2021 15:59

She is absolutely right. But I’m sure you can hold a grudge because she didn’t send the work your way.

Beautiful3 · 04/02/2021 15:59

Yes I agree with her.

GabsAlot · 04/02/2021 16:00

nope shes right sorry

my df done some business with realtives fell out for years not worth it

Worried830410 · 04/02/2021 16:00

Your very reaction to be pissed off with her, proves that she is a very wise person to not mix business and family.
You already feel entitled to her work, so she is right to keep this separate. A bit of audacity of you to even feel this way.

Womencanlift · 04/02/2021 16:06

The fact that you describe her as very successful comes across as badly. No need for that to be added into the AIBU.

Agree with others don’t mix business and family

Crankley · 04/02/2021 16:07

No, you are wrong to feel pissed off and I agree with every other poster, don't mix family and friends with business.

Fairyliz · 04/02/2021 16:08

Blimey surely it depends on what the work is?
If your DH is say a gardener and she could give him five hours a week work that’s a bit different to offering him a multi million pound contract to produce vaccine.
Surely with the former you would offer to a family member?
Can you give us some idea of the type of work op?

Devlesko · 04/02/2021 16:08

She's right, not a good idea if you don't know each other well.
You don't know someone until you've lived with them for a few years or worked with them.