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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who's being unreasonable?

160 replies

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:19

Will try and explain the situation as best as possible...

2DSC and 1DC with DH.

Basically DH bought a car last year which is inappropriate for the family, we don't all fit in it and it's a nightmare for going anywhere. I have a car that we can all fit in for a day out but it's impossible to actually go anywhere in it for say a weekend or a holiday because there just isn't enough space for bags and everything else we all need.

I've been saying since then that we need to sort this car issue otherwise it's going to cause problems when we are back to being able to travel. Basically we need to swap my car for something bigger (his was the big family car before) - the selfishness about the new car is another thread tbh!

His family, my DSCs and my DCs grandparents live in a popular holiday spot with lots of land/beach etc... and before Covid, we would always go down there for a week or two to see them and to have a bit of a holiday with everyone. Kids all absolutely love it there.

Some of my family live abroad and I have been there once or twice for a long weekend on my own with our DC so they could meet and see each other but DSC have never been. It's just too expensive for us to take everyone abroad for a holiday in term time basically so I've only ever taken our DC alone for no more than a few days.

I asked DH about this again the other day and he seems to think it would be fine for him to take just the DSC to his parents this year seen as we all can't fit in the car properly.

I think this is really unfair. They are our DCs grandparents too and I think it's really cruel to just leave them behind. Part of me is wondering if that's right though considering they have been away with me without the DSC but in my mind, that's different because 1. It was only for a couple of days and 2. That was not to see DSCs family, they don't even know them.

To my DC, their Dad will be going off with their siblings to see their grandparents to a place they love going and they will be left at home with me.

AIBU to be really pissed off that this is the solution that DH has come up with? The only fair thing in my mind is for him to sort a better car out so all the children can go!

Obviously this isn't something that is happening next week or any time in the very near future but it's upset me that he thinks that's okay.

OP posts:
SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:22

And FWIW, DH and my DSC have always been welcome to come abroad to see my family. We just haven't been able to afford it during school holidays whereas I can take our DC to meet them outside of term time (they've only been twice themselves).

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/02/2021 12:24

You need a car roof box.

That and the boot of your car should provide enough room for luggage.

confusedbeyond · 04/02/2021 12:24

I think he's being unreasonable (he sounds an arse and I got angry for you reading your post)!

Can you trade your car in for a bigger car?

MixedUpFiles · 04/02/2021 12:25

This would have been the perfect thread for voting buttons. YANBU

RedskyBynight · 04/02/2021 12:26

I think it's totally fine for DH to take your DSC to see his parents without taking his other children.

However, your DC should have the opportunity to see their grandparents on another occasion.

Hahaha88 · 04/02/2021 12:28

Yanbu he's a selfish arse

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:28

However, your DC should have the opportunity to see their grandparents on another occasion

See it never would occur to me to do this though. Because I know for a fact my DSC would be upset at being left behind whilst we went down there without them.

And I'm not talking about a day or two, this would be like a week plus of an actual holiday.

OP posts:
hedgehoglurker · 04/02/2021 12:29

Another option is to take both cars.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/02/2021 12:29

Hire a bigger car for the holiday.

I agree he's being unfair.

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:29

I wouldn't even care if he took all the children and left me behind. It's nothing to do with me or not wanting to be left with DC on my own.

I just know our DC would be upset at the thought of daddy and his siblings having a holiday down there without him. It makes me really upset thinking about it tbh and I'm really annoyed DH would think it okay to do that.

OP posts:
PregnantGotCovid · 04/02/2021 12:30

I agree with you, unfair on your dc. Can you travel in 2 cars or you and your DC take the train?
Dh was very silly to buy that car.

MaskingForIt · 04/02/2021 12:31

Roof rack and roof box, problem solved, no need for drama.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2021 12:31

If it’s your car just trade it in and buy a bigger one. Why does he have to do it?

Alternatively use public transport or take two cars.

RedskyBynight · 04/02/2021 12:31

Do your DSC live with you full time, or is it shared custody?

Children (even full siblings!) don't have to do everything together. My friend has 4 children and her parents live in a popular holiday resort. She always sends the oldest 2 for one week in the summer, and the youngest 2 for one week in the summer. No one misses out, it's easier to tailor activities with a smaller range of ages and the GPs get to spend more 1 on 1 time with the GC.

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:31

@hedgehoglurker

Another option is to take both cars.
We could yes, but his is an absolute fuel guzzler, it would cost a fortune. It's about a 6 hour drive 😣

Stupidly I hadn't even thought of a roof box...! I'm not sure though as we do also have the dog as well who takes up a lot of boot space. But I'll take a look at some and see if it could work, thank you!

OP posts:
SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:32

@Bluntness100

If it’s your car just trade it in and buy a bigger one. Why does he have to do it?

Alternatively use public transport or take two cars.

I would get absolutely nothing for my car tbh. And imo, he's the one who went out and got rid of the family car without even discussing it so yes, he should do it.
OP posts:
LApprentiSorcier · 04/02/2021 12:33

You need a bigger car.

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:34

@RedskyBynight

Do your DSC live with you full time, or is it shared custody?

Children (even full siblings!) don't have to do everything together. My friend has 4 children and her parents live in a popular holiday resort. She always sends the oldest 2 for one week in the summer, and the youngest 2 for one week in the summer. No one misses out, it's easier to tailor activities with a smaller range of ages and the GPs get to spend more 1 on 1 time with the GC.

I agree they don't have to do everything together, and if we were talking about a weekend or a day out I'd not be bothered. But this is an actual holiday to them and I don't know if I could then take our DC on our own for the same without our DSC because 1. They'd be upset by it so I'd feel cruel and 2. It would mean us being unable to have the DSC during the time we were away with our DC.

They are with us 50:50.

OP posts:
MaskingForIt · 04/02/2021 12:34

@Bluntness100

If it’s your car just trade it in and buy a bigger one. Why does he have to do it?

Alternatively use public transport or take two cars.

Wimmims can’t make choices about cars - that is the menz job. Obviously.

Another way that women lose autonomy over their lives 🙄

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/02/2021 12:35

Buy a roof box or take both cars

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:35

It's nothing to do with me being a woman 🙄

The reason I want him to take some responsibility is because he's the one who put us in this position by getting rid of the family car in the first place!

OP posts:
SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:37

And I don't want his solution to be excluding one of the kids.

OP posts:
Swingometer · 04/02/2021 12:37

It is ridiculous that your car is the factor dictating who gets to go on holiday!

As others have said, get a roof box or hire a car for the holiday if neither of you is prepared to switch your car permanently for one that is big enough for the whole family

Theunamedcat · 04/02/2021 12:38

Is he planning on taking his car or taking yours?

Get yourself a bigger car

Take your child on holiday at the same time to see your family see how he feels

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:39

He's planning on taking mine.

And I absolutely would swap my car for a bigger one. But at the end of the day, he earns more so he'd have to contribute the most to getting it and he doesn't think we need to because this is his 'solution'.

OP posts:
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