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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who's being unreasonable?

160 replies

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:19

Will try and explain the situation as best as possible...

2DSC and 1DC with DH.

Basically DH bought a car last year which is inappropriate for the family, we don't all fit in it and it's a nightmare for going anywhere. I have a car that we can all fit in for a day out but it's impossible to actually go anywhere in it for say a weekend or a holiday because there just isn't enough space for bags and everything else we all need.

I've been saying since then that we need to sort this car issue otherwise it's going to cause problems when we are back to being able to travel. Basically we need to swap my car for something bigger (his was the big family car before) - the selfishness about the new car is another thread tbh!

His family, my DSCs and my DCs grandparents live in a popular holiday spot with lots of land/beach etc... and before Covid, we would always go down there for a week or two to see them and to have a bit of a holiday with everyone. Kids all absolutely love it there.

Some of my family live abroad and I have been there once or twice for a long weekend on my own with our DC so they could meet and see each other but DSC have never been. It's just too expensive for us to take everyone abroad for a holiday in term time basically so I've only ever taken our DC alone for no more than a few days.

I asked DH about this again the other day and he seems to think it would be fine for him to take just the DSC to his parents this year seen as we all can't fit in the car properly.

I think this is really unfair. They are our DCs grandparents too and I think it's really cruel to just leave them behind. Part of me is wondering if that's right though considering they have been away with me without the DSC but in my mind, that's different because 1. It was only for a couple of days and 2. That was not to see DSCs family, they don't even know them.

To my DC, their Dad will be going off with their siblings to see their grandparents to a place they love going and they will be left at home with me.

AIBU to be really pissed off that this is the solution that DH has come up with? The only fair thing in my mind is for him to sort a better car out so all the children can go!

Obviously this isn't something that is happening next week or any time in the very near future but it's upset me that he thinks that's okay.

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 04/02/2021 14:07

So you'll bring your own children abroad but leave your step children at home, yet if he wants to bring his children on holiday you think h's being selfish as your children will be left behind?

The op is mum to some of the kids, her dp is dad to all of them. Presumably the dscs her holidays with their mum too? Why can’t the op’s children have one with theirs?!

And plus, the op said a holiday abroad would be too expensive for everyone, so the op is ensuring that her children don’t miss out on having those opportunities as they only get one childhood. The dscs have their own mum to take them away like I said.

Can you really not see the difference between the op and her dp? Her dp is father to all and he wants to take some of of children to visit a shared family member ie grandparents. What he wants to do is complete different and very unreasonable.

YoniAndGuy · 04/02/2021 14:12

@SpiggySpotty

I think I'll say how would he feel if my first suggestion had been 'oh well, we just can't take DSC then'. Maybe he'll get it.

Do you think he does prioritise your DSC?

Because the other thing that has occurred to me is that - he would actually prefer to just go with the DSC when he goes back to his 'old stamping ground'.

Much easier for him.

he just slots back in to how it was before you came along.

If he takes your joint child, he has to parent. And has to be the person he is now... a man married within a new family and a new child who is his responsibility and his only.

But... with just the DSC... they can be at their house, under the care of Mum/Gran... he can be lazy son. Watching footy with his Dad. Pleasing himself. Slotting right back in.

Can't do that with you there, or his new child.

How much of this rings true?
How much does he take you, and the fact you are a good stepmother, for granted?

A lot, if he attitude with the car is anything to go by.

I'd be telling him - if you think it's ok to take only some of your children to see their grandparents, this isn't a blended family I want to be a part of. If you think what you did with the car is ok - putting yourself before all of your children - I don't want to be with a man like that.

VanGoghsDog · 04/02/2021 14:13

Going in two cars might be expensive but not as expensive as buying another car.

But anyway, play him at his own game - "oh, so you can only take the two kids in your car? Oh, OK, take DSC1 and DC, DSC2 can stay with their mum. I'll stay home on my own".

Or "feel free to take all three kids in my car, I'll stay home....".

Original poster

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 14:15

Do you think he does prioritise your DSC?

Funnily I don't usually. I think that's why this suggestion surprised me so much because it's the first time he's ever shown what outwardly looks like preference.

It may well have just been a suggestion that he's just not thought through. And I hope it is because it would make me really sad to think he'd be happy for one child to be left at home wondering why.

OP posts:

Supersimkin2 · 04/02/2021 14:18

Why can't you be the one to stay at home while DH takes all his various DC on hol? Lovely break for you.

Original poster

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 14:18

@Supersimkin2

Why can't you be the one to stay at home while DH takes all his various DC on hol? Lovely break for you.

I would, I'm not bothered about that. I already said that in one of my posts..

OP posts:

Dcadmam001 · 04/02/2021 14:19

I’m confused when you talk about him taking just the SC to see his family. You have said his sC live in the same town as grandparents - so surely there’s room for you and your DC in car with luggage as the other children won’t be in the car until you reach the destination and luggage has been unloaded. Or have I missed something?

Original poster

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 14:19

And in either scenario I'd be staying home as obviously I'd have to stay to look after our DC. It's not about me going.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 14:20

@Dcadmam001

Where have I said that? If that's been implied by one of my posts it must not have been written very clearly, apologies.

The children live in the same area as us. DHs parents live 6hrs away.

OP posts:

candycane222 · 04/02/2021 14:20

Yes, makes it look even more to me as though he's trying to convince himself that it wasn't a twat move to buy that car. I daresay he doesn't usually think of himself as a twat, and he may be rather uncomfortable with the idea. Something he has to sort out for himself.

Hopefully you can be clear enough with him that he has no choice but to deal with it.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/02/2021 14:21

I would, I'm not bothered about that. I already said that in one of my posts..

Did he say no to that and do you think if he did it's because your shared child is harder work because they must be quite a bit younger? (rather than him having a preference for your DSC)

MildlyIrritatedOfChorley · 04/02/2021 14:22

Economical hire car for the week?

Star81 · 04/02/2021 14:24

Just take 2 cars ?

muppette · 04/02/2021 14:25

Just go in two cars.

Of course it's mean and horrible to your joint (and presumably younger) child to stay home with you while he tajes the big ones on a fab trip to the ancestral home.

So just say that's horrid - I'll come in the other car.

Don't make a big fuss about needing him to take the bigger and more expensive decision of a new car in order for you two to go on the trip.

candycane222 · 04/02/2021 14:25

There are lots of ways they can easily all - or all bar OP if she prefers - travel to the GPs. It's just that they all involve DH admitting the new car was a twat move. I'm pretty sure that's the obstacle.

Tiktaktoe · 04/02/2021 14:25

If your husbands new car is only a 2 seater how will you manage to use his car with your child when he takes your car?

Bythemillpond · 04/02/2021 14:25

I would want to know why only certain children are allowed to see their grandparents and not others

If he has traded the family car for a non family car then it is up to him to put in place solutions to resolve the fact that there is no longer a suitable vehicle that doesn’t involve picking favourites out of his children.

I would also object to my own car being used when the larger family car has been traded in.
The only solution I see is to rent a car for the fortnight and your husband picks up the bill. If he didn’t want the extra expense then he should have thought about what car he was buying and these type of situations.

Either that or he is quite happy to split the family up.
I would suggest taking your car with your dc down to see the grandparents and leaving him with the rest of the children as there just isn’t any room in the car and see what he thinks of that suggestion

I wonder what he thought was going to happen when he traded in the family car

Bibidy · 04/02/2021 14:25

Can't believe people are saying it's fine for OP's DH to exclude their child and just take his older kids on holiday because he's bought himself a car that won't fit his whole family!! That's insane. How about they leave the stepchildren behind and just take their joint child? That would NEVER be accepted.

OP taking her child to see her own family abroad is totally different because SCs don't even know them and they're not related at all. This trip her DH is planning is to see his own family, so all the kids should go.

@SpiggySpotty Just take the 2 cars! I know it's expensive but your DH will have to pay for his fuel so it's his problem - and presumbly even if you and your child don't go he will still be driving his own car there? So the savings will be minimal by not taking your car too. OR if he was planning on taking yours well, tough luck - you'll now be driving your own car there so he can take his new one. He cannot be serious in accepting leaving you and his youngest child behind so he can save on petrol!??

100% take the 2 cars, let him pay his crazy fuel costs and appreciate what a pain in the arse it is that he has caused.

I can't believe anyone is considering leaving anybody behind when you do have the use of 2 cars.

Tiktaktoe · 04/02/2021 14:27

I would suggest to him that while he take the kids to see their grandparents you will be having the same time away with your family and your child so that your child won't miss out.

YoniAndGuy · 04/02/2021 14:27

Ah yes, I also thought that the children's mum lived in the same town as the grandparents! But of course you'd said 6 hours away so they couldn't be 50/50 if that was the case. Apologies OP - it was this bit:

His family, my DSCs and my DCs grandparents live in a popular holiday spot with lots of land/beach etc...

Ignore my post then!

Dcadmam001 · 04/02/2021 14:28

Apologies

Bibidy · 04/02/2021 14:28

@Dcadmam001

I thought this too from the original post, but OP is actually saying that her DH's family - her SC and DC's joint grandparents - live in a holiday destination. Not that her DH's family, her SCs and their grandparents all live in that place.

Original poster

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 14:29

It was my poor grammar! Apologies. No, we and DSCs live close by to each other. GPs live far away in holiday spot

OP posts:

Chambored · 04/02/2021 14:32

@SpiggySpotty

He's planning on taking mine.

And I absolutely would swap my car for a bigger one. But at the end of the day, he earns more so he'd have to contribute the most to getting it and he doesn't think we need to because this is his 'solution'.

So you also don’t have a joint account? Ie he can just unilaterally go and buy a completely unsuitable car because he has the funds to do so? But you can’t go and buy a new (suitable for the family) car, because you don’t earn enough money?

purpleboy · 04/02/2021 14:35

Do as you suggested op and flip it on him, tell him that the dcs will have to stay at home because there is no room in the car for them, see how he reacts to that. Might make him see how unreasonable he is.

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