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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who's being unreasonable?

160 replies

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:19

Will try and explain the situation as best as possible...

2DSC and 1DC with DH.

Basically DH bought a car last year which is inappropriate for the family, we don't all fit in it and it's a nightmare for going anywhere. I have a car that we can all fit in for a day out but it's impossible to actually go anywhere in it for say a weekend or a holiday because there just isn't enough space for bags and everything else we all need.

I've been saying since then that we need to sort this car issue otherwise it's going to cause problems when we are back to being able to travel. Basically we need to swap my car for something bigger (his was the big family car before) - the selfishness about the new car is another thread tbh!

His family, my DSCs and my DCs grandparents live in a popular holiday spot with lots of land/beach etc... and before Covid, we would always go down there for a week or two to see them and to have a bit of a holiday with everyone. Kids all absolutely love it there.

Some of my family live abroad and I have been there once or twice for a long weekend on my own with our DC so they could meet and see each other but DSC have never been. It's just too expensive for us to take everyone abroad for a holiday in term time basically so I've only ever taken our DC alone for no more than a few days.

I asked DH about this again the other day and he seems to think it would be fine for him to take just the DSC to his parents this year seen as we all can't fit in the car properly.

I think this is really unfair. They are our DCs grandparents too and I think it's really cruel to just leave them behind. Part of me is wondering if that's right though considering they have been away with me without the DSC but in my mind, that's different because 1. It was only for a couple of days and 2. That was not to see DSCs family, they don't even know them.

To my DC, their Dad will be going off with their siblings to see their grandparents to a place they love going and they will be left at home with me.

AIBU to be really pissed off that this is the solution that DH has come up with? The only fair thing in my mind is for him to sort a better car out so all the children can go!

Obviously this isn't something that is happening next week or any time in the very near future but it's upset me that he thinks that's okay.

OP posts:

Defiantly41 · 04/02/2021 12:39

Hire a bigger car for the holiday?

TheQuiverForLegolasBow · 04/02/2021 12:41

Have you considered a tow bar and a trailer?

Original poster

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:41

I have put it to him several times that we now need a bigger car because of his choice to get rid of the one we had (without discussing it btw).

But at the end of the day, I need him to agree to it because I can't just go out and buy a new car myself. He would need to contribute the most toward it either in upfront cost or monthly payments and he doesn't want to do it.

OP posts:

Swingometer · 04/02/2021 12:43

You've definitely got a DH problem in that case OP

If he would prefer to leave his wife & child behind rather than swap his car or subsidise you trading yours in for a bigger one than he is clearly a twat! (unless there is a huge backstory)

Sally872 · 04/02/2021 12:48

Roof box, Additional expense of fuel to take both cars or 2 trips so each set of children get to go.

All of the above seem easier than replacing a car. Though I agree he should have considered family when purchasing a car.

DDiva · 04/02/2021 12:51

It does sound like a new car is sensible. However if your car is economical you could hire a car for holidays .....

Theunamedcat · 04/02/2021 12:53

Umm no he shouldn't take your car dont you need it?

Why would he have to contribute to another car does it not come out of family money?

TheListeners · 04/02/2021 12:53

I don't understand why you didn't lose it with him when he bought his car in the first place. It sounds like he's bought himself a car to show off in. A penis extension. What a dick.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2021 12:54

Ok so you can’t afford a new car and he doesn’t want to spend on a new one.

So either take two cars, or use public transport. Or get a roof box and take limited luggage.

CriticalWoman · 04/02/2021 12:55

Simple - take 2 cars

GhostPenguin · 04/02/2021 12:55

I swapped my big car for a smaller one because I was sick of driving around and trying to park a massive car that we only needed once or twice a year when we went away. Plenty of people don't have a massive car or can't afford one and still manage to go on holiday. Your options are:

Buy a bigger car, roofbox/trailer, hire a car, take both cars.

I think he's probably got carried away with getting a car he likes without thinking about the practical consequences but it doesn't necessarily mean "he's a twat". I bought a Smeg fridge with a tiny freezer section because I liked it and now we have no room for all the frozen food we need as a family but my DH doesn't think I'm a twat because of it. But if he's not willing to entertain any of the above options then maybe he is being a twat.

SlippersForFlippers · 04/02/2021 12:58

Has he just assumed he can use your car? I'd make it unavailable to him.

Phoenix21 · 04/02/2021 12:59

He sounds like an arsehole. Why the hell did he trade a family car for what sounds like a penis extension and do I detect you are not allowed to drive it?

I don’t think you should trade your car unless you actually want to. He caused this problem and I think he needs to hire a car or put a roof box on HIS car.

Also re taking the train, unless you like the train (I do 😳) I’d be suggesting that he takes the train with which ever kids want to go via train. After he packs your car of course.

Cheeky git.

MindyStClaire · 04/02/2021 13:01

I agree you need to change the car. But if you can't agree on that:

take both cars

roof box and minimal packing

rent a big car

rent a small car and bring yours and the rental ( I think this would be my preferred option as it gives more flexibility)

Ohdoleavemealone · 04/02/2021 13:03

Tell him he can take all the kids and you will stay home to make room in the car!

Original poster

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:04

I think he needs to hire a car or put a roof box on HIS car

His car doesn't have enough seats so it wouldn't make a difference if he put a roof box on his!

I think the fact I'm still evidently pissed about the car is causing me to want him to be the one to sort it out iyswim? As a sort of 'well now you'll have to figure out a way to sort out this problem that you caused and I'm not doing it for you'.

I understand there are solutions like taking two cars or the train but it's all additional expenses that we should have discussed prior and I feel like I'm being the one now left to sort it out seen as his magical solution is just leaving one of the kids behind.

OP posts:

PeskyRooks · 04/02/2021 13:06

There's two separate issues here in my opinion. There's the practical issue of how do you for everyone in which as pps have said; roof box, take both cars, public transport or take less stuff! Put your dog in kennels.
The real issue is your resentment at him buying a car just for himself that doesn't suit the family. He's got the solution of just taking some of the children so to him problem solved! He's not in the wrong for buying the car in his eyes. Probably all you can do is address this with him openly in simple language because you feel it is a bigger issue around his selfishness.

M0rT · 04/02/2021 13:09

Honestly I'd be telling him a new family car will work out a lot cheaper for him then a divorce...which if he actively tries to create two families..him and his DC..you and your DC...is almost inevitable!

Original poster

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:10

The real issue is your resentment at him buying a car just for himself that doesn't suit the family

Yes I agree with this.

It's not so much that he bought a car for him. It's the fact that he didn't think about the logistics of what that would mean for his family first and that his solution now it's a problem is to treat one of the children unfairly because of his decision.

Imo it shouldn't even be an option to leave one his kids behind. He should be coming up with all other solutions (like these on here and which he should have discussed beforehand).

OP posts:

Aiaiaicorona · 04/02/2021 13:12

He needs to trade in his car for a family car and be told to stop being so ridiculous.

Original poster

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:13

And I understand there are solutions... I'm just shocked that his suggestion was this. I'm upset that he thought that would be an appropriate thing to do if that makes sense? That's more what I was asking whether I was unreasonable or not about.

OP posts:

MindyStClaire · 04/02/2021 13:14

If his car doesn't even have enough seats for his wife and children, never mind packing, he's plainly an idiot. I think I'd feel the same about wanting him to fix it.

Original poster

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:14

Because there is no way I would have suggested not taking the DSC and going without them. It wouldn't even enter my head.

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 04/02/2021 13:16

I don't think that this has anything to do with the car really, there are plenty of solutions for that.

Get a bigger car
Hire a bigger car
Get a big roof box
Take 2 cars

So that can be solved. As the MN saying goes, you have a DH problem. He sounds very selfish and for that YANBU.

Original poster

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:16

I think I'd feel the same about wanting him to fix it

I think this is the crux of it really which may be petty on my part I admit but still!

OP posts:

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