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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being unreasonable?

160 replies

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:19

Will try and explain the situation as best as possible...

2DSC and 1DC with DH.

Basically DH bought a car last year which is inappropriate for the family, we don't all fit in it and it's a nightmare for going anywhere. I have a car that we can all fit in for a day out but it's impossible to actually go anywhere in it for say a weekend or a holiday because there just isn't enough space for bags and everything else we all need.

I've been saying since then that we need to sort this car issue otherwise it's going to cause problems when we are back to being able to travel. Basically we need to swap my car for something bigger (his was the big family car before) - the selfishness about the new car is another thread tbh!

His family, my DSCs and my DCs grandparents live in a popular holiday spot with lots of land/beach etc... and before Covid, we would always go down there for a week or two to see them and to have a bit of a holiday with everyone. Kids all absolutely love it there.

Some of my family live abroad and I have been there once or twice for a long weekend on my own with our DC so they could meet and see each other but DSC have never been. It's just too expensive for us to take everyone abroad for a holiday in term time basically so I've only ever taken our DC alone for no more than a few days.

I asked DH about this again the other day and he seems to think it would be fine for him to take just the DSC to his parents this year seen as we all can't fit in the car properly.

I think this is really unfair. They are our DCs grandparents too and I think it's really cruel to just leave them behind. Part of me is wondering if that's right though considering they have been away with me without the DSC but in my mind, that's different because 1. It was only for a couple of days and 2. That was not to see DSCs family, they don't even know them.

To my DC, their Dad will be going off with their siblings to see their grandparents to a place they love going and they will be left at home with me.

AIBU to be really pissed off that this is the solution that DH has come up with? The only fair thing in my mind is for him to sort a better car out so all the children can go!

Obviously this isn't something that is happening next week or any time in the very near future but it's upset me that he thinks that's okay.

OP posts:
HumourReplacementTherapy · 04/02/2021 13:43

I've got it!
Get rid of your selfish DH
He'll have to buy a bugger car then when he picks up the kids to take them to his place.

MaLarkinn · 04/02/2021 13:44

@AryaStarkWolf yep, seems like double standards to me a little bit.

drkpl · 04/02/2021 13:44

It’s ridiculous to make separate trips with different children. They’re all siblings at the end of the day. Doesn’t he realise that that they might want to spend time as siblings too?

diddl · 04/02/2021 13:45

I think if he wanted to go with just his kids for a change that would be fine.

Not for the whole two weeks if it meant that your & your kid didn't get to holiday with him though.

As a solution to him having bought a too small car though it's ridiculous.

If there wouldn't be too many changes or waiting on platforms though I'd happily take the train!

Original poster
SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:45

I guess I don't count it as a holiday. It's not with 'us' either, that makes it sound lik DH comes along too and he doesn't. It's two days to see family, I'd understand if I were talking about 2 weeks in Tenerife with DH but I'm not. It's a couple of days to a non touristy place so that they could meet some family twice for two days. It's hardly a holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:48

I think if he wanted to go with just his kids for a change that would be fine

Our DC is also 'his kids'...?

OP posts:
Charley50 · 04/02/2021 13:52

Bigger car seems the obvious solution, but maybe not if it's only needed for this type of trip.
I'd get the train and meet them down there. Driving for hours with loads of noisy kids vs train alone? Train for me!

Original poster
SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:52

The only reason I've even taken our DC abroad is because these relatives are elderly and it's the only opportunity they would really have to meet our DC. (It's not my parents, it's my grandparents). It wasn't some jolly, funfilled holiday. I really don't feel it's the same thing at all personally.

OP posts:
Godimabitch · 04/02/2021 13:52

Tell him he's not taking your car. End of story. If he wants to take any of kids anywhere he'll have to sort out a car to fit them in wont he. Because he's not having yours.

Do you not have access to any joint savings or accounts? If you did I'd just buy the car I wanted without talking to him about it, he clearly thinks it's acceptable. I know you want him to take responsibility but what you're really doing is giving him control.

So either buy your own car with joint funds. Or keep your keys locked away and make it perfectly clear that he's not using your car and is responsible for finding suitable transportation for all children himself.

He's incredibly selfish isn't he.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/02/2021 13:53

[quote MaLarkinn]@AryaStarkWolf yep, seems like double standards to me a little bit.[/quote]
Why though? It would be if the OP was taking just her child to see shared relatives but that's not what happened

Charley50 · 04/02/2021 13:54

I do agree with you that his 'solution' is shit.

LuaDipa · 04/02/2021 13:54

@diddl

I think if he wanted to go with just his kids for a change that would be fine.

Not for the whole two weeks if it meant that your & your kid didn't get to holiday with him though.

As a solution to him having bought a too small car though it's ridiculous.

If there wouldn't be too many changes or waiting on platforms though I'd happily take the train!

Completely agree. If dh felt that your dsc needed some time alone with him I could almost say that yabu. The fact that he thinks this is an acceptable alternative for forking out for a new family car, when he had no such hesitation about buying a completely impractical car for himself, would have me re-considering the entire relationship. He is selfish beyond belief.
Godimabitch · 04/02/2021 13:55

Also OP taking her children to see her relatives without DSC is perfectly acceptable. I'm sure the DSC mother takes them to see her relatives and on holidays without OPs kid.

This is a case of only some children getting to visit people who are relatives to all children because the dad had a midlife crisis and bought himself a sports car without thinking about anyone else.

VanGoghsDog · 04/02/2021 13:55

Of course he's being unreasonable. Anyway, drive down in two cars.

Original poster
SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:57

Just to clarify when posters are saying 'his kids' and 'your kid'.

'my kid' is also his kid. So going away with his kids would also include ours no?

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 04/02/2021 13:57

@SpiggySpotty

I think I'll say how would he feel if my first suggestion had been 'oh well, we just can't take DSC then'. Maybe he'll get it.
But that was exactly your suggestion when it was too expensive to take everyone on holiday abroad to visit your parents.

That said, I still think he's incredibly selfish to prioritise his fancy car over a practical one that will fit the whole family. As a family, you need an appropriate sized family car. He should be sorting that.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 04/02/2021 13:58

So, you take your child, who is under 5, abroad for a few days to meet your (let's say...) Mum whilst your two step children are at school.

Whereas your husband, who is father to all three children, wants to take just his first two children to see his parents, during school holidays. And leave behind his third child, who would usually go with them and looks forward to it, because he bought a stupid car?

I'd be raging too, OP. The two circumstances are not the same, and he's selfish to think he can exclude his own child from seeing their grandparents because he wanted a flash car. What a dick.

candycane222 · 04/02/2021 13:58

I don't think youngest dc going with op to visit her family is relevant - presumably sdcs could/do visit their mothers family separately too? Noone would think that was odd surely?

AryaStarkWolf · 04/02/2021 13:58

He probably doesn't like the option of taking all kids and you staying home because I presume your shared child is quite young and probably needs looking after much more and he doesn't want to do that himself.....that's speculation on my part of course

Original poster
SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:59

But that was exactly your suggestion when it was too expensive to take everyone on holiday abroad to visit your parents

Well no... It wasn't. I went on my own without DH for two days to see my elderly grandparents so they had the chance to meet their great grandchild.

I'm not sure how that is the same as a Dad to all of the children involved going off on a fun holiday with some of the children to somewhere they all love to go, to see people who are all of their relatives and leaving one of the children behind.

How is it the same?

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 04/02/2021 14:00

@M0rT

Honestly I'd be telling him a new family car will work out a lot cheaper for him then a divorce...which if he actively tries to create two families..him and his DC..you and your DC...is almost inevitable!
This.

If he thinks it's fine to make unilateral decisions which undermine the blended family you've met him half way on (by becoming stepmother to his DC) - then tell him, thanks but no thanks. You're out.

If his new show-off car is more important than your joint child's welfare - you're definitely out.

He sounds a complete arse. Was his first divorce a result of his selfishness?

candycane222 · 04/02/2021 14:00

Yeah Ic be pissed off with uour dh's twattish proposal, which he probably only thinks is acceptable as its preferable to facing up to what s massive twat he was about the car, in the first place. His way, he can pretend to himself for a few more hours that buying that car wad fine and reasonable. However, I hope and trust those few hours are almost up....

blackcat86 · 04/02/2021 14:01

It sounds like you need to bw preparing for life with your child as he doesn't see you as a team. It all seems very unfair. He does what he likes and only sees his DSC as his DC not your joint child who he seems happy to just leave with you. I wouldn't be impressed

YoniAndGuy · 04/02/2021 14:01

@SpiggySpotty

But that was exactly your suggestion when it was too expensive to take everyone on holiday abroad to visit your parents

Well no... It wasn't. I went on my own without DH for two days to see my elderly grandparents so they had the chance to meet their great grandchild.

I'm not sure how that is the same as a Dad to all of the children involved going off on a fun holiday with some of the children to somewhere they all love to go, to see people who are all of their relatives and leaving one of the children behind.

How is it the same?

Hahaha it's not the same at all and if it were you doing it, you'd be BURIED in the judgment on here!
NoSquirrels · 04/02/2021 14:03

Your relatives abroad are a red herring.

You are totally right to be livid that his suggestion is to leave out one of his own children from a holiday with their grandparents and family.

If he'd given you the family car and bought a 2-seater, whatever, fine.
But he didn't. He's caused this issue and needs to resolve it because it's not fine not to have transport for the whole family, dogs included. Most hire cars mean you can't take the dog, leaving people behind is not cool (although I'd be quite excited to wave my DH and DC off for a couple of weeks without me Grin) and a roof box doesn't solve the whole problem.

Do you have shared finances? If not, why not?