Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Who's being unreasonable?

160 replies

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:19

Will try and explain the situation as best as possible...

2DSC and 1DC with DH.

Basically DH bought a car last year which is inappropriate for the family, we don't all fit in it and it's a nightmare for going anywhere. I have a car that we can all fit in for a day out but it's impossible to actually go anywhere in it for say a weekend or a holiday because there just isn't enough space for bags and everything else we all need.

I've been saying since then that we need to sort this car issue otherwise it's going to cause problems when we are back to being able to travel. Basically we need to swap my car for something bigger (his was the big family car before) - the selfishness about the new car is another thread tbh!

His family, my DSCs and my DCs grandparents live in a popular holiday spot with lots of land/beach etc... and before Covid, we would always go down there for a week or two to see them and to have a bit of a holiday with everyone. Kids all absolutely love it there.

Some of my family live abroad and I have been there once or twice for a long weekend on my own with our DC so they could meet and see each other but DSC have never been. It's just too expensive for us to take everyone abroad for a holiday in term time basically so I've only ever taken our DC alone for no more than a few days.

I asked DH about this again the other day and he seems to think it would be fine for him to take just the DSC to his parents this year seen as we all can't fit in the car properly.

I think this is really unfair. They are our DCs grandparents too and I think it's really cruel to just leave them behind. Part of me is wondering if that's right though considering they have been away with me without the DSC but in my mind, that's different because 1. It was only for a couple of days and 2. That was not to see DSCs family, they don't even know them.

To my DC, their Dad will be going off with their siblings to see their grandparents to a place they love going and they will be left at home with me.

AIBU to be really pissed off that this is the solution that DH has come up with? The only fair thing in my mind is for him to sort a better car out so all the children can go!

Obviously this isn't something that is happening next week or any time in the very near future but it's upset me that he thinks that's okay.

OP posts:

countrybump · 04/02/2021 14:36

If his car was previously big enough for you all to go on holiday, why didn't you keep it and sell yours instead? Or was that not part of the thinking at the time?

Maybe your DS has been very selfish around the car purchase, or maybe he just hasn't had the foresight to consider the practicalities. A roof box will probably solve your problem, but I suspect the reason you are cross about this is to do with the lack of consideration and consultation from your DH.

Aiaiaicorona · 04/02/2021 14:39

@countrybump he didn’t include OP in the discussions about his new car from what I can gather!

bluebellsparkles · 04/02/2021 14:41

Is there a big age gap between DSC and your DC - if it is just older children who can do different activities, would that explain the decision to just take DSC? Or laziness that he doesn't want to look after a toddler?

SecondRow · 04/02/2021 14:41

Go ahead and sell or scrap your car, pick out the kind of car you think you now need (and assume he can afford) and send him the link.

Tell him you and DC are part of this family and you don't intend going without a holiday.

Bibidy · 04/02/2021 14:44

He's planning on taking mine.

Just say no he can't because you'll have to take yours in order to come and bring your DC. He'll have to take his flash new car and pay the fuel that goes with it. OR you can hire a bigger car for the trip. But nobody stays behind.

Totally unacceptable that he thinks it's fine to leave his partner and younger child at home. I would be so upset by this.

MrsBobDylan · 04/02/2021 14:44

I think I can't probably work out why your dh's first marriage broke down op.

This shouldn't be a problem, it didn't need to be a problem, he has made it into one because he is essentially an arsehole.

I sort cars out in this house but I always take dh's views on board (even though he couldn't be less interested).

Angelou79 · 04/02/2021 14:52

Also you mention you hve taken DC away for a few days twice without DSC so 1 week away would equal the same no? Have you looked into getting train or coach? Sometimes works out quicker or cheaper.

Bythemillpond · 04/02/2021 14:57

“I would suggest to him that while he take the kids to see their grandparents you will be having the same time away with your family and your child so that your child won't miss out”

Hardly the same as they don’t live in a nice holiday destination and why should you be child miss out in a nice holiday at their grandparents house

Phoenix21 · 04/02/2021 15:00

Can't believe people are saying it's fine for OP's DH to exclude their child and just take his older kids on holiday because he's bought himself a car that won't fit his whole family!! That's insane. How about they leave the stepchildren behind and just take their joint child? That would NEVER be accepted.

@Bibidy I don’t think I e seen anyone say that? The general consensus is finding a solution so that they can all go.

Bibidy · 04/02/2021 15:02

@Angelou79

Also you mention you hve taken DC away for a few days twice without DSC so 1 week away would equal the same no? Have you looked into getting train or coach? Sometimes works out quicker or cheaper.

But this isn't the same because the SCs don't even know OP's family that she went to visit - this is her child's grandparent too. It's like leaving one of the SC's behind but taking the other, you just wouldn't do it.

Also, OP shouldn't have to get a train or coach. Her DH's answer, since he doesn't want to trade his car in, should be that they should take both cars and swallow the expense.

It should never be an option to leave one child behind AND your partner. I'd understand it more if OP was making the stand and saying that she would just have stay home with DC since they won't fit in the car, but for her DH to suggest it is just mad. It's bizarre that he doesn't want his partner and child to holiday with him.

Bibidy · 04/02/2021 15:07

@Phoenix21

@Bibidy I don’t think I e seen anyone say that? The general consensus is finding a solution so that they can all go.

I've seen quite a few posts saying that since OP took her child to see her family with out SCs that it's fine for her DH to take just his older children away and leave their joint child behind.

But yeah, totally agree that the solution is for everyone to go. Leaving some members of the family behind should never have been an option and I'm really surprised OP's DH is happy with that.

Also presumably the grandparents would also like to see their younger grandchild too. If it's a 6hr journey I doubt OP and her DH will be popping back any time soon.

ZippedyDooDa · 04/02/2021 15:16

I'm just shocked that his suggestion was this. I'm upset that he thought that would be an appropriate thing to do

This is what would upset me too, OP. There are SO many other ways to solve the problem (eg suggested in this thread) that don't involve leaving any of the children out - the fact that he went straight to the idea of leaving your DC out, would really, really upset me. I don't want to articulate what sorts of negative thoughts this would create in my mind, as I don't want to upset you. I hope he was just being thoughtless/careless and nothing worse.

TinyTear · 04/02/2021 15:17

I think what is also confusing a lot of people is the OP deciding to use them for one child to try and keep anonymous...

I am thinking that the OP's child is pre-school age and I am getting the impression the DH doesn't want to deal with a toddler/pre-schooler by himself and the DSC are older so more self-sufficient

Polyxena · 04/02/2021 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justasking111 · 04/02/2021 15:19

Re buying a bigger car, money wise would be cheaper to hire a big car, buy a roof box which we did, or go in two separate cars.

Bibidy · 04/02/2021 15:26

For the love of god, at least read the OP's updates if you can't be bothered to read the whole thread. She's already said at least twice that it's not economical to take two cars.

But it's a crrrrrrrrazy attitude!!

I completely get why OP is pissed off and trying to force her DH's hand in swapping his car in for something suitable but I wouldn't have myself and my child left behind in order to make that point. Especially as it doesn't seem it will make the point and seems to be actually his desired outcome here!

I would 100% be taking 2 cars - in fact, that seems to me like the only way to inconvenience him into appreciating the consequences of his car selfishness since he seems fine with the only other option, which is that OP and their child stay home?

He has caused this issue so yeah, he will have to pick up the bill for the extra petrol and it won't be economical. It wouldn't be a problem if he hadn't got an unsuitable car so he can't turn around and blame OP for the extra expense - it's entirely his fault.

So he has from now until the trip to either decide to suck up the extra fuel costs, or put his sensible hat on and sort out an appropriate car.

funinthesun19 · 04/02/2021 15:29

Also you mention you hve taken DC away for a few days twice without DSC so 1 week away would equal the same no?

No it wouldn’t equal the same at all. The op’s children should still get time with their father and family members.

It irritates me that a stepmum can’t spend time with her own children without people thinking it’s a injustice towards the dsc and somehow it must be compensated for.

nitsandwormsdodger · 04/02/2021 15:40

Shocked he bought car without even discussing with you but that gives you green light to do the same surely ?

Annabell80 · 04/02/2021 15:46

Do you also have a very small car. There are only 5 of you, surely you can all fit in the car?
Our car isn't big but all 5 of us (2 adults, 2 teenagers and a baby) can fit in.
If your dog takes up space I agree to getting a roof box. Or if you don't go then they'll be 2 in the front and 2 in the back (and presumably no dog).
I can't understand why neither of you have a car that 4 people can fit in. It's not your fault your husband got rid of the car but I'd absolutely tell him all the children go or none go.
Does he always make decisions without consulting you (or considering the family)?

Original poster

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 15:56

I have a small run around car. We fit 5 people in it in terms of seats but it's not got much boot space and it's just not a very big car.

We got that just for me to nip places in because I don't use a car often and DH had the big one which we could use for travelling/weekends away and whatnot where we needed to take lots of stuff. There wasn't a need for me to also have a big car.

OP posts:

MyCatHatesEverybody · 04/02/2021 16:22

YANBU OP.

MaskingForIt · 04/02/2021 19:24

@nitsandwormsdodger

Shocked he bought car without even discussing with you but that gives you green light to do the same surely ?

Apparently the OP can’t buy a new car.

purplebagladylovesgin · 04/02/2021 19:31

We had this issue. Our solution was to hire a huge car for the week we were away. It was 7 hour drive and I didn't want to drive 7 hours behind my husband.

If your husband has replaced the (larger) car without thinking how he'd fit everyone in, or without discussion then he should hire the car.

Just tell him to hire one and that you are coming too for the reasons you've said. All very valid reasons I might add.

MintyMabel · 04/02/2021 20:57

that we now need a bigger car because of his choice to get rid of the one we had (without discussing it btw).

But at the end of the day, I need him to agree to it because I can't just go out and buy a new car myself. He would need to contribute the most toward it either in upfront cost or monthly payments and he doesn't want to do it.

You’ve got much bigger problems than your children not going on this holiday.

Slightlyunhinged · 04/02/2021 23:47

I would tell him to take all the children and you stay behind. Once he's had to be responsible for them by himself for a holiday he'll change his mind about the car!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread