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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being unreasonable?

160 replies

SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 12:19

Will try and explain the situation as best as possible...

2DSC and 1DC with DH.

Basically DH bought a car last year which is inappropriate for the family, we don't all fit in it and it's a nightmare for going anywhere. I have a car that we can all fit in for a day out but it's impossible to actually go anywhere in it for say a weekend or a holiday because there just isn't enough space for bags and everything else we all need.

I've been saying since then that we need to sort this car issue otherwise it's going to cause problems when we are back to being able to travel. Basically we need to swap my car for something bigger (his was the big family car before) - the selfishness about the new car is another thread tbh!

His family, my DSCs and my DCs grandparents live in a popular holiday spot with lots of land/beach etc... and before Covid, we would always go down there for a week or two to see them and to have a bit of a holiday with everyone. Kids all absolutely love it there.

Some of my family live abroad and I have been there once or twice for a long weekend on my own with our DC so they could meet and see each other but DSC have never been. It's just too expensive for us to take everyone abroad for a holiday in term time basically so I've only ever taken our DC alone for no more than a few days.

I asked DH about this again the other day and he seems to think it would be fine for him to take just the DSC to his parents this year seen as we all can't fit in the car properly.

I think this is really unfair. They are our DCs grandparents too and I think it's really cruel to just leave them behind. Part of me is wondering if that's right though considering they have been away with me without the DSC but in my mind, that's different because 1. It was only for a couple of days and 2. That was not to see DSCs family, they don't even know them.

To my DC, their Dad will be going off with their siblings to see their grandparents to a place they love going and they will be left at home with me.

AIBU to be really pissed off that this is the solution that DH has come up with? The only fair thing in my mind is for him to sort a better car out so all the children can go!

Obviously this isn't something that is happening next week or any time in the very near future but it's upset me that he thinks that's okay.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 04/02/2021 13:17

I have a friend whose DH bought a car not big enough to fit his DMs wheelchair , he ended up buying a cheap family car as well. Or my own DH bought himself a stupid sports car which cost us a fortune in its short life with us, before he realised how expensive it was to run, which he should have known as he had one before and got rid of it for exactly that reason- I've told him number 3 will be divorce time.

I know you shouldn't have to, but is it worth checking the cost of a roof box, or hiring a big car for the trip. After all it's not like you can go at the minute. Yes his solution was idiotic, so ignore it.

Phoenix21 · 04/02/2021 13:17

His suggestion of leaving some kids behind is unreasonable. But is it possible that he just said that as he knows you wouldn’t have it and therefore will find a solution?

Apols for missing that his car doesn’t have enough seats - it pisses me off when posters don’t read OP properly so I’ve given myself a smack on the hand!

Original poster
SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:18

I don't think that this has anything to do with the car really, there are plenty of solutions for that

No it doesn't you're right. I'm just upset by his suggestion of leaving DC and going without them.

Apols for missing that his car doesn’t have enough seats - it pisses me off when posters don’t read OP properly so I’ve given myself a smack on the hand!

No apology necessary, I wasn't even sure if I'd included that in the OP Grin

OP posts:
Aiaiaicorona · 04/02/2021 13:19

I think you just need to sit him down. Explain how ridiculous his car is to your family needs again, tel him how hurt you are by his suggestion and how you interpret it. Remind him you are a family and ask him what he is going to do as right now you are very disappointed by his ideas.

Original poster
SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:20

I think I'll say how would he feel if my first suggestion had been 'oh well, we just can't take DSC then'. Maybe he'll get it.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 04/02/2021 13:21

I agree with you that the solution isn’t to exclude any DC; currently we don’t all fit into one car (2 DC in car seats and not enough room for DSD in the middle) so our solution is to buy a “family car” that will essentially be mine but DH will put money into it so we can use it for holidays, day out etc. I wouldn’t be impressed with a suggestion that any of the DC were left behind while others went away

BlueJag · 04/02/2021 13:22

Take two cars. Is that an option?

Original poster
SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:25

@user1493413286

I agree with you that the solution isn’t to exclude any DC; currently we don’t all fit into one car (2 DC in car seats and not enough room for DSD in the middle) so our solution is to buy a “family car” that will essentially be mine but DH will put money into it so we can use it for holidays, day out etc. I wouldn’t be impressed with a suggestion that any of the DC were left behind while others went away
I'm going to put this to him again. I really think it's the best solution. I understand there are other things like taking two cars or the train or trailers and whatnot but I think generally it's good to have at least one car that the whole family can fit into comfortably.

I don't have any problem with that being my car, it's not like I want him to be the one who has to have the big family car, the only reason I was the one who had the tiny little run around was because I barely use it really.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:25

@BlueJag

Take two cars. Is that an option?
We could but as I've said his car guzzles fuel like you wouldn't believe. It would cost a fortune to drive there and back in both cars.
OP posts:
diddl · 04/02/2021 13:26

Do you think that his kids might have suggested visiting with just t him?

Aiaiaicorona · 04/02/2021 13:27

Have you mentioned ‘midlife crisis’ about his car, that might shame him into realising it isn’t appropriate. You have my sympathy OP, I’m furious on your behalf.

NovemberRain2 · 04/02/2021 13:29

Take the train and meet them there??

MaLarkinn · 04/02/2021 13:29

So you'll bring your own children abroad but leave your step children at home, yet if he wants to bring his children on holiday you think h's being selfish as your children will be left behind?

That's really unfair I think.

I have a stepson and he always comes on holiday with us. Always.

Leeds2 · 04/02/2021 13:29

If he goes on this trip in your car, is he happy that you will be driving his car in his absence?

AryaStarkWolf · 04/02/2021 13:30

he is definitely BU. Sort the car situation out

Original poster
SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:30

@diddl

Do you think that his kids might have suggested visiting with just t him?
I really doubt it. I know you can never say 100% but I really can't picture this, they seem to have a really lovely relationship.

And even if they had I'm still not sure it's okay to agree to exclude one DC because the other siblings would prefer it. If our DC suggested going on holiday without their siblings I'd still say no because it wouldn't be fair or nice.

OP posts:
Phoenix21 · 04/02/2021 13:31

OP, I’m sure if he said ‘I want this dick extension, do you want my existing family car so I can buy it’ you wouldn’t have any resentment at all.

I would be absolutely fine with that.

But just turning up with an unsuitable new car? That’s some real fuckwittery.

(Nothing wrong with a P extension btw, I’d be pissed at the thoughtlessness and selfishness his actions, it should be discussed)

AryaStarkWolf · 04/02/2021 13:31

@MaLarkinn

So you'll bring your own children abroad but leave your step children at home, yet if he wants to bring his children on holiday you think h's being selfish as your children will be left behind?

That's really unfair I think.

I have a stepson and he always comes on holiday with us. Always.

It's one child and it's to that particular childs relatives with the OP alone, the SC aren't related to these relatives. The OPs husband is talking about visiting relatives all children share
Original poster
SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:32

@MaLarkinn

So you'll bring your own children abroad but leave your step children at home, yet if he wants to bring his children on holiday you think h's being selfish as your children will be left behind?

That's really unfair I think.

I have a stepson and he always comes on holiday with us. Always.

It's not as simple as that.

I take our DC (twice) for a couple of days on my own without DH so they could have opportunity to meet their family (who DSC have never met due to them living abroad) during term time when DSC are at school.

My DH is proposing taking DSC for a week- 2 week long holiday to see family who also happens to be our DCs family and which they usually go to every year and enjoy.

I don't see that as being the same personally.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpiggySpotty · 04/02/2021 13:32

@NovemberRain2

Take the train and meet them there??
He can be the one to take the bloody train 😂
OP posts:
ZenNudist · 04/02/2021 13:34

I understand your frustration but I think the solution is either to rent a car (cheap right now) or kennel the dogs and get a roof rack.

MaLarkinn · 04/02/2021 13:38

@AryaStarkWolf yes I got that bit.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/02/2021 13:39

[quote MaLarkinn]@AryaStarkWolf yes I got that bit.[/quote]
and you still think the OP is BU? ...................ok

WhatKatyDidNxt · 04/02/2021 13:40

He’s unreasonable and unfair. Does he usually make decisions on his own that impact on everyone? In your shoes l would be peeved as well

MaLarkinn · 04/02/2021 13:42

@SpiggySpotty yes I understand they are going to visit their grandparents and you wouldn't look at it like that.

I go to Tenerife to visit my sister, my step child is not related, however he always comes on holiday with us, not to see her and my other family that live there but to spend time with us.

Anyway, you need a bigger car obviously or go with a roof box which is a great suggestion.

I have a friend who goes on holiday and sends her bags by courier in advance and saves an absolute fortune.

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