To want to hear about those kids/teens who are stoically getting on with lockdown

[DuchessFerrara]

Not taking a pop at young people with SEN or MH issues. It must be heartbreaking to watch them endure the isolation and frustration of lockdown.

I would like to hear about the DC who, like my Yr11, don't feel as though their lives have been decimated. Aren't aggrieved to be making sacrifices for the "oldies". Don't feel their education has been wasted because their exams have been cancelled.

I'd love to hear about those DC who are knuckling down to their studies without too much complaint, are optimistic for the future and are - for the most part - pleasant to be around.

Alexa, excellent post.

Without denying the terrible consequences for some people, I feel like there are some people who perceive anything different to the so-called normal life, as a terrible disaster and whose perception of the relatively small impact and sacrifices they have had to make, as major major life changes, far in excess of the reality. I guess for many people, life has been so cushioned for so long, that any change feels like a huge big deal.
And I do think that people apply this even more to children than to themselves. Again, I fully acknowledge a big swathes of children who will have been horribly impacted by Covid and everything that has happened as a result of this. But lots of children have faced some set-backs which in the wider cheek of life’s events, aren’t actually that serious...and that’s how they feel, although with adults keep telling them they are ‘a lost generation’ they start to wonder if they should feel much more badly than they do, which in itself can lead to some kind of awful competitive suffering.

My children, who I would say have coped stoically, have missed out on a number of things. One has missed exams and preparing for those exams and going through the whole process. But they have moved into the next phase of education and all the stuff that would have been open to them in the next stages still are. They have missed out on milestone birthday parties, socialising and nightclubs. They are a bit sad because the birthday parties will never happen, but they know there will be plenty of other parties in future. The younger one has missed out on really developing a hobby they were getting extremely good at and probably won’t get to repeat. They feel sad about that because it was something they looked forward to, but it isn’t the ruination of their life, but they accept it as one of those things. We have been very lucky in that none of our family has had serious Covid or been hospitalised or died. Likewise we haven’t experienced serious economic consequences as a family and have maintained contacts over Zoom, which we accept isn’t a perfect alternative, but rather than decrying the screen time and electronic lifestyle we temporarily have, we are grateful it exists to allow us to go to school and to chat with friends. We really don’t feel a massive sense of missing out, because it’s not as if everyone else has been out socialising and having fun and leaving us out...it’s happened to us all.

I fully appreciate we have been fortunate in our experiences, but the point is, that there are lots of people who have been fortunate and although all of us have lost out and wouldn’t have ever chosen this lifestyle or the restrictions, we genuinely don’t feel as any generation that our life’s have been trashed and for us, this is very much a blip. And blips happen as part of life. Again, I know we have been fortunate and lots of people have been hit really hard, but it just isn’t the case that everyone has been hit really hard.

It depends entirely on your personal experience, and your child's cohort.

My dd (12) has three friends that have been hospitalised with anorexia, one is now home, the other two are getting worse not better. Her other friends have a mixture of problems with self harming and anxiety. Many are having counselling.

I personally have children that are managing well, that is great for me of course - but I can not ignore the very many children around us that are suffering terribly, really very badly, as a direct result of the pandemic. The children were totally fine before. It is really scary actually.

My GP said it was horrifying the number of calls he is getting every day from worried parents. This is very real.

So yes we can celebrate the happy moments day to day, we can be a great model for our children by being upbeat and positive - but if their friends are crashing that is awful for those children, and very worrying for all of their friends and family. I am hopeful they will start to improve once this passes, but there are no guarantees, certainly not with anorexia.

I'm not really worried about the ones who ARE coping. I'm worried about the ones that aren't. Just like we're all unconcerned about the vast majority of struggling people who won't die of covid and only concerned about the proportion who will die of covid.

And whilst I am all for making the most of every situation, we do need to be mindful of toxic positivity, especially at the moment.
Our children need to be able to feel and express all emotions including negative ones. We don't help them by pretending everything is fine when it isn't.

If you haven't heard of TP before:

'In the age of social media, we constantly see friends and family post about “having a positive attitude” or “having a positive outlook on life, all the time!” Being upbeat at times may be important, but it may come as a surprise to some that it is both okay and important to feel your more difficult feelings.

The phrase “toxic positivity” refers to the concept that keeping positive, and keeping positive only, is the right way to live your life. It means only focusing on positive things and rejecting anything that may trigger negative emotions. But that sounds pretty good, right? Not so fast.

When you deny or avoid unpleasant emotions, you make them bigger. Avoiding negative emotions reinforces this idea: Because you avoid feeling them, you tell yourself that you don’t need to pay attention to them. While you are trapped in this cycle, these emotions become bigger and more significant as they remain unprocessed. But this approach is simply unsustainable. Evolutionarily, we as humans cannot program ourselves to only feel happy'

Just a thought, for there are many people feeling negative about the lockdown, but just as many promoting TP. Both are quite unhealthy.

,Speak, I agree that experiences differ hugely. Lots of people have had horrible horrible experiences and are suffering things which will last years.

And lots of people who are getting off relatively unscathed at this time might see longer term issues emerge, or as you say, know others around them who are suffering, even if their own family isn't.

And lots are stoically getting on too...not enjoying the restrictions, I ding some things tough, but not being overwhelmed with them and still finding pleasure, amd importantly feeling hopeful about the future. This latter group do exist. It might not feel or be fair that this group exist and that everyone isn't suffering equally, or even barely at all, but I think it is true that some are essentially trundling through and for them personally will see this phase as a blip in their own personal lives, whilst also knowing it was much much more than a blip for others and something very serious with lomg lasting effects.

I'm sure you're right that some positivity can be toxic. Cheerfulness can be faked or children might feel forced or pressurised to fake it.
But some are also simply not traumatised by what has happened. The experiences in their own family and friendship group and schooling experience haven't been traumatic. They might not have been what they would choose, but they have been very manageable for some children in a range of different contexts and for different reasons.

But I agree there is a danger in fake cheeriness or not noticing when children might be suffering or behaving inna way so they cannot voice it. But I don't believe that all children have been traumatised and so need to voice it...but they should be given a chance to do so by their families rather than it being assumed they aren't suffering. There is a balance with that....giving them a chance to be honest and explore how they feel, without leading them to the conclusion that there is always trauma and it must be there and they must dig deep to find it, even when there isn't any.

My 12yo with ADHD is doing really well. He loves the fact he can switch immediately to online gaming at breaktimes/free periods. He appreciates me bringing him snacks and meals at random times that he can eat while he studies. He seems to be doing fine with turning in his assignments online, no complaints, all seems to be going well. I'm even (somehow!) getting him in a routine of clearing his desk and bringing his assorted plates/cups out after school has finished for the day.

He is missing his friends and the ability to go and browse (buy junk food :o) in a shop, but these things will come back.

I can't help feeling a bit irked by this post. One of my children particularly, has been massively affected by this. Previously a conscientious child, now missing live lessons, often not handing in work and reluctant to go out. It is lovely that you and many other people are proud of your kids for their lockdown stoicism, but I feel like it's a bit insensitive to those of us who have children who are struggling. Also, mine were getting on quite well previously, so unfortunately, things can change.

Stroppy, I think everyone has acknowledged that many children are not getting on well.
The title of this thread was clear it was aimed at those who were getting okay. People are allowed to post and seek support and look for people havi fan experience when things are going okay, as well as when they aren't. It's not as if people who are posting here have gone onto a thread about the struggles of lockdown...that would be inappropriate and insensitive. But this was a thread aimed at people whose children seem to be doing okay. It's been said lots of times that it's hard to know the long term impact, but in families where children seem to be just getting on with it and not suffering too much, people are generally just grateful and sometimes a bit surprised.

Some people have been on the thread to say this kind of thread shouldn't exist, or even that all children are actually suffering a great deal and stoically getting on with it isn't really possible. But surely there should be a place for people to safely discuss a situation which is going okay or at least isn't seeming like a massive, disaster,mespeciallybearlespecially it feels a bit unusual, which perhaps almost makes them doubt it. In all situations, speaking with others going through something similar can feel encouraging or supportive. It doesn't mean as has mentioned multiple times and by pretty K un everyone that parents don't recognise that loads of people are suffering hugely. It's not a boasting thread, but a discussion and you'll see too that lots of people have 1 child who is plodding along and seems to be coping well and another who isn't.

DD is doing ok and she has been last year as well. It's a combination of factors, rather than resilience,strength of character or any other bullshit.

To start with she's pretty easy going, she has a group of close classmates that she has daily calls and plays with on various online platforms, in various ways, she hasn't really been affected by Covid as we have no close relatives or friends that have been really ill or died (massive luck here) , doesn't have a lot of people(family especially) to really ,really miss and we're keeping it pretty low down at home. She's also a keyworker child so has been in school in June last year and since January this year.

It's literally circumference and a lifestyle that hasn't completely gone tits up.

She's been upset over certain things not being open or getting shut again, which is fairly normal, but bounced back up.

Four here, three at secondary and one at primary; all just cracking on with it. No complaints. They are all still having lessons electronically to varying degrees. They chat to their friends on their various devices and play computer games with them. They are more disappointed about missing their sports clubs.

Year 10 parents evening last week as a teacher. Loads are sailing through it and preferring online learning. A few who are really missing school and their social life. It struck me that there is a wide spectrum of experience - you certainly can’t comment on the effects on ‘young people’ as a cohort. My own are much better than last lockdown as I think we are all just a bit more used to it and resigned!

I'm really proud of how mine have dealt with it. They don't like it particularly but they are doing their best.
I'm very lucky and they are lucky they have each other.

That's not to reduce anyone else's difficulty. It's just fact. Every child and every household is different.

My year 12 loves it. He’s shy, quiet and not bothered about going out. He was stressed about exams and the Prom so was delighted that neither happened.
He’s loving College online and is happily building and taking apart bits of tech all day. He’s taught himself soldering and has sold the things he’s repaired. He gives for a walk everyday and does the washing up or ironing whilst I’m at work. All his friends are online so I hear him laughing away with them.
I’m more worried about him being left behind when restrictions are lifted and all his friends go out or have girlfriends/ boyfriends.

My DS1 (15) is getting on better than usual. Found school annoying, most of his friends don't go to his school. Though acknowledges he is learning less than at school as it's hard to be taught on screen and concentrate all that time. 13 year old isn't loving or hating it and just cracking on. Make sure he walks every day either with a friend or me.

But for the vast majority of children that do not fall into these categories, even the most positive and proactive kids will start to feel extremely jaded...

Tbf I don't think anyone on this thread is saying that their kids are loving every minute of it and are all sunshine and rainbows.

I'm pleased my DD is coping, and yes, I'm proud of her - she's had crosses to bear on top of the pandemic over the last year but is still coping well and I feel my pride is justified.

That said I appreciate I/we are very lucky.

I think it's nice to have something positive to look at.

I completely accept some children will be thriving at home, those that are bullied, have severe anxiety, no friends or hate school will no doubt be happier at home than school. Completely accepted.

My kids don’t have any of these issues you’ve listed. But they’re still happy at home. Even for kids like mine who have friends, no issues, etc, school isn’t a place that they love all the time. It’s school. Most kids I know don’t love school, they just don’t mind it, the same as they don’t love home learning, they just don’t mind it and are just doing it because like school, it’s not an option to not do it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If my kids could see their friends a few times each week, they’d be fine to be home schooled forever really. It’s not school they crave, it’s the rest of their life. Friends, cinema, parties, shops, McDonald’s, going to friends houses etc. People talk like school is something that makes kids happy when it’s not.

If my kids could see their friends a few times each week, they’d be fine to be home schooled forever really. It’s not school they crave, it’s the rest of their life. Friends, cinema, parties, shops, McDonald’s, going to friends houses etc. People talk like school is something that makes kids happy when it’s not

Yes this. Contact with Friends without having to deal the shits from school you'd rather avoid.
DD is fitter, healthier and doing more physical exercise at home too.

People talk like school is something that makes kids happy when it’s not

Hard to generalise. Dc enjoy it and social stuff on top

Both my children are coping- my 14 year old son loves lockdown- he likes just meeting friends via zoom and then logging off and doing his own thing. His attitude has improved so much since he’s working from home and is generally happier.

My 12 year old daughter struggled at first as she’s very sociable and was always meeting up with friends/going to after school groups/parties. But we’ve got her a few new pets (hamster and rabbit) and she’s coping much better this lockdown- I’ve also made more of a effort to do things with her/make sure we have enough baking supplies in so she can bake any time she feels like it.

For us, as a family, I don’t think we will ever go back to the busy/over packed life we had before covid- we’re all so much happier with the slower paced life...it’s just a shame we’ve realised this at such a horrible time in life, we have lost friends/family members to covid-19, and it breaks my heart thinking of the struggles everyone is facing.

I also think them going through puberty at home is so much easier than normal life- my daughter had a huge spot this morning that before covid, she would had caused a lot of drama over, but she just shrugged and said no one would see it anyway

I went to school because I had to and because I knew I needed qualifications. I had friends there, but not enough that I'd have missed them. My social life took place with my mates at home. The school bus was 5 years of misery thanks, largely, to 2 boys.

School, as teachers never tire of saying, is not for you to socialise. Which is also why lots of teachers have strategic seating plans. And in secondary, I'm guessing even if school is a kid's social hub, they may spend a lot of time in different sets.

I wouldn't say mine are knuckling down, but we are lucky with the ages of our dc, older teen was on the cusp of going out independently but never got there due to covid so she can't miss what she didn't know.

Both are doing OK! We all know we could all be doing better but they enjoy home, we have a balance of own space and family time... We all roughly enjoy each others company!! Home school fir youngest is not pretty but we are now in the swing of things, she knows she has to do it and loves not having to go out to school everyday, that rigmarole... Loves being with us.... Spends most of the day playing...

• acne yes!! Dd wasn't bothered by it but I've managed to get it almost gone with topical cream and she has told wear this new brace, again speaking with a lisp etc at home.. Dealing with it at home much easier than school.

Snow, what cream has your daughter used? We’re using a tea tree based one but it doesn’t seem to be working so would like to try some others.