Teacher's comment to DC

[Imgonnadance]

My 6 year old is still attending school and today he innocently asked another child in his bubble why he doesn’t live with his dad. The teacher heard this and scolded him saying you mustn't ask that as it is rude.
I think she is being ridiculous and at age 6 these are innocent questions that children ask. If the boy had been left to answer he probably would have answered like a 6 year old and said his parents don't live together and that would have been the end of it. Instead she's made it a taboo subject for the other boy and confused my child as he didnt understand why the question would be rude.

So AIBU to think this was a bad way to handle this conversation? Should she not at least have explained why she thought it was a rude question? Do you think it is a rude question from a 6 year old?

How did he know the little boy didn't live with his dad?

Granted not all split families can manage it so good but neither are all the kids distraught. And it’s pretty shit that people still look at split families with pity and assume the worse. And I really fucking hate the term broken home!

I totally agree with the sentiment of this comment but isn't it likely the teacher would already know if the child in question was struggling with the split, and acted accordingly?

@AStudyinPink

* Resilience to me in this context is the ability to deal with that question - that includes explaining that I don't wish to answer it. Ignoring the elephant in the room doesn't make it go away. That's my view anyway. In any event I wouldn't be happy for a teacher to tell my 6yrs old they were being rude for asking a question in this context (unless there is a much bigger back story).*

So everyone else needs to be resilient except your child.

Uh no. My children have got to deal with those tricky questions too (like "why are neither of your parents British?" ). I'd much rather those questions are asked rather than people wondering silently. I had that conversation with my daughter recently as someone made fun of her origins at school and she confirmed that other children had previously asked her why her parents were both 'foreign' but she said it was fine as they were asking out of curiosity and she was able to explain, they weren't being mean/offensive. That's the big difference. The intention behind the question.

@Hammonds but not everyone is in the same position, it's easier to have a standard response rather than reserving it for those who might be offended by it and trying to police that.

Have you not spoken to him about things like that yet? He's 6! It's obvious he will be at school with children of separated parents.
I always told mine families are all different so they've never thought to ask such questions.
Some mummies and daddies don't live together.
Some children don't have a mummy or a daddy.
Some have two mummies or two daddies. That kind of thing. That's how my kids have always been told so it's normal to them.

[quote Wenolikeexplodeythings]@EarringsandLipstick

A quarter of families are single parent families. It is not a very small percentage and it is perfectly normal. All children should be taught that from an early age. There isnt anything unusual in it. It isnt a curiosity.

The children in those families will have emotional responses because, although normal, it can be upsetting. There isnt any need for them to be the centre of questioning from ignorant children whose parents havent bothered to teach them what families are.[/quote]
Please read my post properly.

My children are part of a very small percentage where we live (not Ireland).

Sorry should say in Ireland.

@aSofaNearYou

Granted not all split families can manage it so good but neither are all the kids distraught. And it’s pretty shit that people still look at split families with pity and assume the worse. And I really fucking hate the term broken home!

I totally agree with the sentiment of this comment but isn't it likely the teacher would already know if the child in question was struggling with the split, and acted accordingly?

I think she drew more negative attention to it tbh. If she overheard him when she told him off the whole class would have now been aware and the other child might have felt more conscious about, I can see where the teacher was coming from but it mishandled.

ignorant children

What a horrible thing to say!

There's nothing wrong with a child asking a question. And I say this as the parent of children in a single parent family, who are very private about their situation.

It's still ok if someone asks them, and understandable if they do.

I think the one handling it badly is you, not the teacher. Explaining why it is a rude question (and it is) is quite a long and awkward conversation that the teacher can’t cover during class unless she keeps your son behind during breaktime. You however can, but you don’t seem to have bothered, instead taking the cop-out of undermining the teacher.

Have a proper chat with your child about the fact that sometimes parents split up and that there may be different reasons for this which can be upsetting for the child and that while they are at school they may not want to talk about things that upset them.

Awkward conversation yes but apparently you expected the teacher to be able to cover it during class so I don’t see why you can’t cover it at home.

It was rude question but six year olds are often rude.
The teacher was protecting the other child. People are talking as if the OP's child will be scarred for life.

She shouldn't have said it was rude. Rude to a six year old generally means stuff they know is wrong and quite naughty. Calling somebody pooh face, saying a bad word, taking their willy out in public when you know it's wrong, snatching a toy. They don't really have the whole adult concept of:
I hope Kevin didn't think it was rude of me to correct his figures during the meeting
When I asked all the team for a drink after work I hope Anna didn't think it was rude when she walked past and saw us in the pub, she'd left the office by the time we'd thought of it.
Meaning a bit inconsiderate and socially inept.

But cut the teacher some slack, she probably panicked as she knew a reason why it might be upsetting to said kid or another kid in earshot, and is probably a bit frazzled teaching under difficult conditions.

My 8 year old sons best friend mum and dad split up. He came home and said billy told me his dad lives in a cardboard box' he doesnt, he lives in a flat but I wonder what his mum's been saying (she's lovely btw)

Uh no. My children have got to deal with those tricky questions too (like "why are neither of your parents British?" ). I'd much rather those questions are asked rather than people wondering silently.
I had that conversation with my daughter recently as someone made fun of her origins at school and she confirmed that other children had previously asked her why her parents were both 'foreign' but she said it was fine as they were asking out of curiosity and she was able to explain, they weren't being mean/offensive. That's the big difference. The intention behind the question.

I’m sorry but that isn’t always going to be the case. If a parent had to move out of the family home because of a drug addiction, the intention doesn’t matter; it’s a potentially traumatic memory and conversation. Children need to learn not to quiz people about their personal lives. It’s rude.

• They don't really have the whole adult concept of: I hope Kevin didn't think it was rude of me to correct his figures during the meeting When I asked all the team for a drink after work I hope Anna didn't think it was rude when she walked past and saw us in the pub, she'd left the office by the time we'd thought of it.*

But they are meant to be learning a ‘more adult’ concept (slowly).

It’s rude because the person might have very good reason not to want to talk about it - a 6 year old can understand that.

Astudy - depends what you see as 'quizzing'. Yes it's rude to quizz ie press on when someone is not wanting to answer. But no it's not rude to ask potentially personal questions. Should I never ask where sb comes from in case it was a traumatic past? Or ask after their parents/sibling etc in case they're dead?

But no it's not rude to ask potentially personal questions. Should I never ask where sb comes from in case it was a traumatic past? Or ask after their parents/sibling etc in case they're dead?

It’s about learning when and how. In front of the whole class = no. When you’ve only just met = no.

Come on, we as adults know (or should know) how to ask questions appropriately. But it has to be taught. And it can’t be taught all at once. Sometimes the child is going to get it wrong, and the only way to make sure they don’t get it wrong again is to correct them.

I haven't RTFT yet, but it astounds me how adults seem to be able to get away with saying certain things or asking certain questions and no one bats an eyelid., Yet a child can say the same thing and then be accused of being rude. I know that we should teach children to respect their elders, but surely they learn from what they hear and experience. I recall watching a wildlife program with my family when I was 6/7. There were some strange looking animals featured and my Dad(jokingly) said things like "That one looks like you Westend, that one looks like Dsis " etc. I then said "oh, that one looks like you Daddy". He shouted at me telling me I was a rude child to say such things. I am still bewildered by that over 40 years later!

I would find it rude for an adult to ask about home circumstances too to be honest.

@Yognog

I would find it rude for an adult to ask about home circumstances too to be honest.

Well yeah but this is about a six year old little boy.

Something that a lot of people on MN cannot seem to differentiate.

Well yeah but this is about a six year old little boy.

No-one is saying he was deliberately rude. They’re saying now is the time for him to learn that the question is rude.

@AStudyinPink

But no it's not rude to ask potentially personal questions. Should I never ask where sb comes from in case it was a traumatic past? Or ask after their parents/sibling etc in case they're dead?

It’s about learning when and how. In front of the whole class = no. When you’ve only just met = no.

Come on, we as adults know (or should know) how to ask questions appropriately. But it has to be taught. And it can’t be taught all at once. Sometimes the child is going to get it wrong, and the only way to make sure they don’t get it wrong again is to correct them.

I didn't see that the question was asked in front of the whole class and given we're in February they've hardly just met... Anyway I still think the question could have been just fine and unless there is a backstory the teacher has overreacted.

oblada

Okay, but if the teacher overheard it was at least a semi-public conversation, and I think it’s right to correct that.

@AStudyinPink

But no it's not rude to ask potentially personal questions. Should I never ask where sb comes from in case it was a traumatic past? Or ask after their parents/sibling etc in case they're dead?

It’s about learning when and how. In front of the whole class = no. When you’ve only just met = no.

Come on, we as adults know (or should know) how to ask questions appropriately. But it has to be taught. And it can’t be taught all at once. Sometimes the child is going to get it wrong, and the only way to make sure they don’t get it wrong again is to correct them.

The only thing the OP son would have learnt here is to probably never ever to ask where some ones dad is! And still not know the reason why!

Shit learning curve!

We don’t have to let kids blindly walk in to tricky situations there is always a way around it that doesn’t leave them shame faced. I’m not a fan of tough love or purposely leaving them with negative experiences/memories

And yes I agree your over use of ‘correction’ is a bit weird. Reminds me of trying to correct a dog pulling on a lead

• The only thing the OP son would have learnt here is to probably never ever to ask where some ones dad is! And still not know the reason why!

Shit learning curve!*

Then tell him why, in an age-appropriate way. I don’t think kids at school should be asking other kids in their bubble (not best friends or anything) “Where’s your dad?”

We don’t have to let kids blindly walk in to tricky situations there is always a way around it that doesn’t leave them shame faced. I’m not a fan of tough love or purposely leaving them with negative experiences/memories

Nor am I. I am a fan of them understanding and remembering when you’ve tried to teach them something.

And yes I agree your over use of ‘correction’ is a bit weird. Reminds me of trying to correct a dog pulling on a lead confused

It’s just the right word for the thing you’re doing. Sorry you don’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️