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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher's comment to DC

329 replies

Imgonnadance · 03/02/2021 21:27

My 6 year old is still attending school and today he innocently asked another child in his bubble why he doesn’t live with his dad. The teacher heard this and scolded him saying you mustn't ask that as it is rude.
I think she is being ridiculous and at age 6 these are innocent questions that children ask. If the boy had been left to answer he probably would have answered like a 6 year old and said his parents don't live together and that would have been the end of it. Instead she's made it a taboo subject for the other boy and confused my child as he didnt understand why the question would be rude.

So AIBU to think this was a bad way to handle this conversation? Should she not at least have explained why she thought it was a rude question? Do you think it is a rude question from a 6 year old?

OP posts:
Bumblebee1980a · 04/02/2021 11:25

It's a difficult one isn't it because if my DS had been asked that question (and his dad wasn't living with us) then I would have been upset for him.

If it was the other way round (my child asking the question) then I would explain to my child in a way that not only suits his age but his development/personality etc. It is ultimately up to us as parents to develop their social skills and emotional intelligence. Of course it is also integrated in the EYFS but I'm very passionate about teaching my son all about MH and EI.

I think it's ok for the teacher to 'correct' but I think she should have elaborated a little explaining it's quite a personal question to ask, not to tell the other child off but as part of the learning process. After all, social skills are part of the EYFS.

Teachers get to know the children very well in their classroom and I guess they can tell if it was done in a rude way or not. Maybe the teacher thought the child was meaning to be rude (I'm not saying this child was). I don't know.

Children can be very mean sometimes so it's up to the teacher to observe and intervene if necessary.

AStudyinPink · 04/02/2021 11:26

I'd rather focus on teaching my children to ask with care and respect and teaching them to deal with such questions when directed at them, than teaching them not to ask questions in the first.

I’d rather teach my kids healthy boundaries.

AStudyinPink · 04/02/2021 11:27

Honestly, if I was told I had been rude by an adult at 6, I know it would have been mortified and it would have stayed with me.

It’s meant to stay with you. The other boy was probably mortified, and would have been more so if this had turned into a class discussion. 🙄

oblada · 04/02/2021 11:27

Bibabbles - the way I look at it I can't stop people being curious - about my ethnicity for instance - and as such I'd much rather they asked the question early on and get it out of the way. I hate it when people ask me where I'm from mid conversation as it makes me think that they've been wondering this whole time and not focused on what I was listening. Either ask straight away or don't!
I can then answer or indeed refuse to answer and we move on.
Resilience to me in this context is the ability to deal with that question - that includes explaining that I don't wish to answer it. Ignoring the elephant in the room doesn't make it go away.
That's my view anyway.
In any event I wouldn't be happy for a teacher to tell my 6yrs old they were being rude for asking a question in this context (unless there is a much bigger back story).

AStudyinPink · 04/02/2021 11:28

BiBabbles

Well said. The emotional intelligence we are meant to be developing in our kids is, “How would I feel if...”

oblada · 04/02/2021 11:29

'Saying' not listening!! Fat fingers and slow brain

AStudyinPink · 04/02/2021 11:30
  • Resilience to me in this context is the ability to deal with that question - that includes explaining that I don't wish to answer it. Ignoring the elephant in the room doesn't make it go away. That's my view anyway. In any event I wouldn't be happy for a teacher to tell my 6yrs old they were being rude for asking a question in this context (unless there is a much bigger back story).*

So everyone else needs to be resilient except your child.

Iaintaffraidofcoldtoast · 04/02/2021 11:40

@AStudyinPink

I'd rather focus on teaching my children to ask with care and respect and teaching them to deal with such questions when directed at them, than teaching them not to ask questions in the first.

I’d rather teach my kids healthy boundaries.

Your not teaching your kids boundaries. Your teaching your kids to behave and think how you think. You said above children should learn by themselves or ask their parents but how limiting is that? Your child will only know what you tell them what’s right. What if your opinion is wrong? If a child has to navigate through issues themselves if they put a step wrong they get told off and called rude. OP son probably sat there for the rest of the day feeling ashamed and wondering what was rude.

There was nothing rude about the question. He is six. They are not mini adults.

Constantfacepalm · 04/02/2021 11:40

But surely it is about INTENT!

I have to assume here that he did not mean to be rude.

That doesn't make the question more appropriate, or OK... but to the poster saying that it is meant to stay with you what it would have done to sensitive me as a child is make me think "I am a rude person".

Iaintaffraidofcoldtoast · 04/02/2021 11:43

@AStudyinPink

Honestly, if I was told I had been rude by an adult at 6, I know it would have been mortified and it would have stayed with me.

It’s meant to stay with you. The other boy was probably mortified, and would have been more so if this had turned into a class discussion. 🙄

Why would you want a six year old boy to sit and feel unhappy all day for asking a simple question Confused

Are you pretty hot on punishment and correction in your family pink?

Constantfacepalm · 04/02/2021 11:44

Oh and, @aStudyinPink, a two would explanation to the child does NOT equate to a class discussion that mortified the child being questioned

aSofaNearYou · 04/02/2021 11:45

I think you have a point that it makes the subject taboo to the other kid, when they would be better off being encouraged not to think there's anything wrong with their family set up. This is something I have definitely experienced with my step son.

But at the same time, maybe the teacher is aware that that child is already struggling with it, or has perhaps reacted badly to someone asking them that before, and was swooping in on that basis.

I don't think it will do your son any harm to have been told it's rude. A simple explanation of "it might be upsetting to them" is all that's needed and will help him learn consideration. It's the other child whose feelings stood to be hurt in a lasting way and I imagine that was the teacher's priority.

Iaintaffraidofcoldtoast · 04/02/2021 11:46

@Constantfacepalm

But surely it is about INTENT!

I have to assume here that he did not mean to be rude.

That doesn't make the question more appropriate, or OK... but to the poster saying that it is meant to stay with you what it would have done to sensitive me as a child is make me think "I am a rude person".

Tbh the comment about it was meant to ‘stay with him’ ( especially when the child is six ) I found a bit disturbing that an adult can feel this way.
Wearywithteens · 04/02/2021 11:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

AStudyinPink · 04/02/2021 12:00
  • Why would you want a six year old boy to sit and feel unhappy all day for asking a simple question confused

Are you pretty hot on punishment and correction in your family pink?*

This is just silly.

AStudyinPink · 04/02/2021 12:01

Oh and, @aStudyinPink, a two would explanation to the child does NOT equate to a class discussion that mortified the child being questioned

I’ve already said a brief explanation of why you shouldn’t ask personal questions would be fine.

Yognog · 04/02/2021 12:03

6 year old children are all about their home and family - a child being curious about a classmate’s family should not be labelled as rude.

This demonstrates a lack of understanding on the family situation of some children.

Constantfacepalm · 04/02/2021 12:04

@Iaintaffraidofcoldtoast - agreed. I don't think we should be afraid to say things to children, or correct them when needed - I'm certainly not precious about this with my own... but it's the labelling of a behaviour that I hate. It's my own personal thing, perhaps cause I am not resilient underneath the surface (and am working hard on this).

Rude, selfish, bad... I believe that's a fast track to denting a non-resilient child's general optimism about themselves.

And as mentioned several times already, it may have affected the child being questioned- its rude to ask about my dad, it must be a bad subject etc

MaMaD1990 · 04/02/2021 12:17

Rude? No. Inconsiderate? Yes. But he is only 6 and he doesn't know what could be classed as an inconsiderate question. The teacher didn't use the best wording but probably did their best in the moment. I'd of told DS that although it wasn't really rude, personal questions can be inappropriate to ask because it might make others feel sad. I wouldn't get too worked up over it to be honest.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2021 12:20

She was likely protecting the child from something that may be a hurtful subject for him.

If your child doesn’t understand then you explain it. It’s not like you’re not allowed.

So explain it to your child and then no harm done right, in fact your kid learned something, much better than going off the deep end about whether the teacher should have explained it to him.

Iaintaffraidofcoldtoast · 04/02/2021 12:20

[quote Constantfacepalm]@Iaintaffraidofcoldtoast - agreed. I don't think we should be afraid to say things to children, or correct them when needed - I'm certainly not precious about this with my own... but it's the labelling of a behaviour that I hate. It's my own personal thing, perhaps cause I am not resilient underneath the surface (and am working hard on this).

Rude, selfish, bad... I believe that's a fast track to denting a non-resilient child's general optimism about themselves.

And as mentioned several times already, it may have affected the child being questioned- its rude to ask about my dad, it must be a bad subject etc[/quote]
I agree with everything you’ve said. We should label kids those things.

AStudyinPink · 04/02/2021 12:26

Seems to be a bit of confusion going on here. I agree you shouldn’t ever say to a 6 year old “You are a rude person”. That’s labelling (if we accept that term). But “That is rude” is not labelling the child, it’s explaining what is wrong with the behaviour.

AStudyinPink · 04/02/2021 12:27

Tbh the comment about it was meant to ‘stay with him’ ( especially when the child is six ) I found a bit disturbing that an adult can feel this way.

Really. Hmm

misskick · 04/02/2021 12:29

She handled it badly. It was a innocent question from a 6 year old.

Hammonds · 04/02/2021 12:35

Tbh I’d be really pissed off with the teacher if I was the other child’s mum.

Ex and worked really hard to make our split seamless. The dc havnt been damaged and are happy. They enjoy all the ‘extras’ that come with two family homes. So for an adult to behave like this would have made my eldest especially, think ‘hang on what was that? What’s wrong with asking that question’

Granted not all split families can manage it so good but neither are all the kids distraught. And it’s pretty shit that people still look at split families with pity and assume the worse. And I really fucking hate the term broken home! I really don’t hope the teachers at my dc school think we split because ex was knocking me about! Confused

The teacher over reacted and rather than telling the little lad off could have directed the conversation else where.