Teacher's comment to DC

[Imgonnadance]

My 6 year old is still attending school and today he innocently asked another child in his bubble why he doesn’t live with his dad. The teacher heard this and scolded him saying you mustn't ask that as it is rude.
I think she is being ridiculous and at age 6 these are innocent questions that children ask. If the boy had been left to answer he probably would have answered like a 6 year old and said his parents don't live together and that would have been the end of it. Instead she's made it a taboo subject for the other boy and confused my child as he didnt understand why the question would be rude.

So AIBU to think this was a bad way to handle this conversation? Should she not at least have explained why she thought it was a rude question? Do you think it is a rude question from a 6 year old?

I think the teacher overeacted and could've handled the situation better

This may not even be about the other child. Given the 6 year old presumably asked the question in a lesson where the whole class was present, it’s possible that there are children whose circumstances are very sensitive and different. Maybe a child whose dad is currently dying or has died, maybe a child whose mum is fleeing an abusive relationship, and to ask one child why they don’t live with their dad could well lead other children to think that they will be expected to talk about their own circumstances when they’re not comfortable doing so.

And by asking in front of the whole class you are singling out one child to explain to 30 others what their personal circumstances are, whether they were ready for that or not.

It’s IMO different to asking a child in the playground because that’s more of a 1-1 scenario. But asking a child in class you are putting that child on display, and that is presumably why the teacher acted as she had.

Possibly if the children had been in class the teacher could have taken him to one side later on and explained why it could be seen as rude. But at the time she needed to shut down the conversation before any bad feeling was caused.

@AStudyinPink

Yeah fortunately learning has moved on a lot since then. We now have PSHE which encompasses all these subjects and encourages discussion rather than ‘learn over time’ or go ask their parents.

And during those lessons it can be discussed. When a child asks a peer a very personal question at random, it should be corrected.

You keep saying corrected - there was no correction here. The op lad was called rude with no explanation as to why. That’s not teaching. Correction means to fix. What did the teacher fix here?

And I’m guessing you’ve had zero experience in teaching children? A lesson can often go off on a tangent for a few minutes when something is asked especially when it’s an interesting and beneficial learning opportunity for the whole class. The other boy did not have to be the centre of the discussion or even reference again but it would have given the whole class a quick look at how different other families can look.

There is no shame in coming from a split household. The teacher implies there was because of her reaction to it

@AStudyinPink

Of course you find it rude because you can't 'argue' your points (and btw it ain't an argument, it's a difference of opinion).

I think you struggle to know what’s rude, from what you have said here today. Anyway, have a good day.

Yes every one is rude..

( clutches pearls )

DD and I look very different and she was placed with me aged 5 - so we've always been open that she is adopted. You wouldn't believe the questions other people (adults as well as children) feel it is OK to ask, it is mind blowing.

At 6 of course children don't understand the OK/too personal boundaries, but they are not too young to start learning them.

I have always said to DD it is OK to tell someone to mind their own business if they are persistent, though generally it is better to start by phrasing it as 'that's private' as that is more tactful. But there was one girl in particular who would go on and on, and I was quite happy for DD to be equally insensitive in her response.

Or the little boy who kept insisting that DD had 'lost her parents' while I was sitting next to her. I kept saying 'I'm not lost, I'm here' but he kept going. Presumably his parents had told him this instead of telling him that it was personal and they didn't know and didn't need to know.

I think it is a rude question. Of course six year old aren't going to realise that .
They have to learn social skills so it is good the teacher pointed it out.
Children need to learn that some things aren't their business.

Or maybe the boy who talks about his dad and gets dropped to school by him would have been fine with the question but the teacher has her own personal feelings about the subject and reacted that way?
The boy in this scenario may have been fine but your kid still needs to keep his beak out of people's personal business.
There could be a 100 reasons or more why dad isn't there. A child may be ok with it or be embarrassed, upset, traumatised, frightened that dad is going to come back, or anything! The point is you don't know.

I find it interesting that it's considered putting adult standards on a child to know that this was rude, which it might be - children have to be taught by adults, but not considered the same adult standard to expect all 6 year olds to be able to answer that kind of question nicely or to want to be a ~learning opportunity~. As said, learning standards have changed, we have PSHE now, we don't need to use an individual child in the room as a learning tool anymore.

When I was 6, and my parents were living on and off together as they would for the next several years, I'd have wanted the ground to swallow me up if my teachers decided that someone asking me a question needed to be expanded to a 'lesson' for the entire class. And I commonly made shit up because no matter what adult explanation I was given, I was 6, I didn't really get it. My "answer like a 6 year old" was no where near as neat and tidy as some think.

When my DD1 was 6, she was asked a lot of question about why our family was weird - why does your mummy wear that, why does your dad have a walking stick, why does your mum walk weird... to her, the worst thing was when the adults around wouldn't help stop the questions even when she asked them to (because she'd been taught to go to adults for help...and learned that doesn't always work).

She had coached answers, she had no shame in our family, but she hated being expected to answer, that people thought she was being the mean one when she chose not to answer, and no matter how age appropriate her peers questions were then - or now at 13, because it still happens - adults have to be the bigger person in reading what's going on and teaching children that sometimes, it's not the time, place, or person to be asking those kinds of questions to and yes, it can be rude even if it comes from innocent curiosity with no malice.

This is what is wrong with the British culture. Emotionally stunted adults raising emotionally stunted children.

Well, I'm an immigrant to the UK, and I teach my children that their curiosity doesn't give them a right to information and to consider if they would like a question like that. They have a lot of experience with being on the other end of it, so it's pretty easy for them to get.

I've had more than a few British adults who try to pull the "I was just asking..." which, much like 'I was just joking' makes it seem like if someone doesn't like being asked a personal question, that's their own fault. I find that far more "emotionally stunted" than appreciating that asking a question puts an onus on someone else to answer, we're making them responsible for our curiosity and that's not always fair, especially in a culture that has few if any polite ways to not answer questions.

My DD1's peers 'age appropriate' response to not having their questions answered has tended to be to just repeat it louder, call her names, throw stuff at her...I can see why some teachers might want to take the onus of answering off of a child even if the child is happy to answer it. Really, we don't know so many factors in this that I can't automatically assume the teacher was in the wrong even if there were better ways to handle it.

I don't think it's rude for a child or even an adult to enquire about someone's life. It is rude to insist or push for an answer when one has been given or indeed refused. But it's not rude to show some curiosity about other people!! What a sad life it would be if everyone just 'minded their own business's all the bloody time! It's not about being 'nosy' but generally caring.

@Gardenista

It is a rude question. There’s no happy reason a hold wouldn’t live with both parents, maybe a 6 year old means no harm from it but it is absolutely an intrusive question for an adult.

@Gardenista is spot on - it’s one of “those” questions. My good friend is pretty happily single in his late 40s, but laughs at how often he gets asked “Why aren’t you married?”. As he says, there’s no “good” answer to that. In his case, he has a great life, but hasn’t met anyone he’s wanted to marry. But that’s the best case scenario. Could be any number of things: fiancée died/jilted him/the only person he loved was married to his brother etc etc. But none of these things are things one would want to share with a stranger in a public chat. So it is rude - or at least highly insensitive- to ask. Because it’s nobody else’s business. In this scenario, there are all sorts of scenarios why a 6 year old doesn’t live with both his parents, but the very high probability is that the answer involves separation, divorce or death. So yes, it’s not an appropriate question. A 6 year older would mean no harm by it, but that’s a learning point for him.

What a sad life it would be if everyone just 'minded their own business's all the bloody time! It's not about being 'nosy' but generally caring.

It can be, between close friends who are used to sharing private information. This isn’t that. It’s the equivalent of a colleague asking you why you are going to the doctor; none of their business.

• Yes every one is rude..

( clutches pearls )*

Some people are.

But it's not rude to show some curiosity about other people!! What a sad life it would be if everyone just 'minded their own business's all the bloody time! It's not about being 'nosy' but generally caring.

But there’s a huge difference between “How’s your mum?”/“Have you been on holiday this year?”/“What football team does your son support?” and “Why aren’t you married?”/“When are you planning on having children?”/“Why aren’t your parents together?”.

I think it depends entirely on the context.
In a loud voice in front of everyone, "hey,

@Crosstrainer

But there’s a huge difference between “How’s your mum?”/“Have you been on holiday this year?”/“What football team does your son support?” and “Why aren’t you married?”/“When are you planning on having children?”/“Why aren’t your parents together?”

There is a difference, yes. But a 6yo isn't going to know what that difference is unless it's explained to them. So "that's a rude question" is completely useless without a "because" and an explanation, because all that tells them is that some questions (including this one) are rude, and some aren't, but gives them no tools to make this assessment. It's the equivalent of "shut up" from the teacher, because that's all its trying to do - shut the boy up, not actually either teach him anything or protect any children from getting "rude" personal questions in future. It's kicking the can down the road.

You keep saying corrected - there was no correction here. The op lad was called rude with no explanation as to why. That’s not teaching. Correction means to fix. What did the teacher fix here?

Of course there was a correction. “Don’t do that, it’s rude” is a correction.

@Astudyinpink

That's not a correction because it doesn't correct anything. It's a reprimand. One which will have zero effect on this child's behaviour in future in 99% of the other potentially tricky questions he may ask in future because he has no idea why what he's done is wrong.

By your lights this version of "correction" means he can either ask no questions at all, or he can keep on asking any OTHER potentially sensitive question and being "corrected" on a case by case basis until he's fucked it up enough to develop some sort of a schema for what constitutes an impolite question. Seems like a pretty lazy path for the teacher and/or parent to go down at the expense of the child AND any children he asks other "rude" questions about, just to save a 2 minute discussion on what constitutes a personal question and why.

But a 6yo isn't going to know what that difference is unless it's explained to them.

That’s true. But in the moment, the teacher explaining why it was rude would potentially cause further embarrassment to the other child.

No wonder there is sooo much gossiping going round - people are worried about being rude all the bloody time!
I'd much rather people asked me questions nicely and with empathy than gossipped behind my back. Which is what ppl do otherwise.

And at 6yrs old no it's not rude to ask 'personal questions' bluntly and the teacher could have taken this opportunity to help the other child answer how they wanted to answer (ie potentially refusing to answer) and explained to the first child about privacy, respect and empathy.

Children need to be taught to respect others, this doesn't mean NOT asking the question but it means asking in a certain way and accepting the answer given. Children also need to be taught resilience and self respect which includes dealing with such questions.

@MistleTOEboughski

Perhaps rude is the wrong word but we should teach children not to ask questions that might make people uncomfortable.

This. My df died when we were young. I was older than this but wouldn’t have particularly wanted to discuss it with a random child at school. I would use this situation to teach your ds that sometimes it is kinder not to ask.

Hmmm I dont think 'rude' is the right word for it, but at 6 I guess the closest thing. It is a loaded question that age on both sides, the other boy could be sadly aware that his dad doesn't live with then due to x, y, z which could be upsetting for your DS to hear, and open up a lot of non age appropriate discussion. Similarly it could just be upsetting to ask someone, at that age where children are aware but still learning about the world around them, the teacher probably doesn't know what has been explained to the child by their parents as the reason, and being questioned on it isnt always good and could lead to more questions back home. If it had formed part of a lesson on families or something then yes, but it seems the teacher overheard, and either by experience of working with children and pre-empting potential issues, or through experience wanted to quickly intervene, but didn't have time for a long lesson.

We need to teach our children empathy, respect and resilience. So yes some very intrusive questions should be avoided but I'd rather focus on teaching my children to ask with care and respect and teaching them to deal with such questions when directed at them, than teaching them not to ask questions in the first. A culture of not asking questions isn't healthy in my view.

'Place'

I don't see how not asking personal questions automatically leads to gossip. My curiosity no more gives me more rights to answer than it does to talking about someone else behind their back and I've seen no reason to think those who ask those kinds of questions are less likely to gossip. I think it just fuels gossipy types more. I've definitely had people who only seem to talk to me to ask questions so they can talk about me behind my back.

Sometimes, kicking the can down the road is for the better. That moment in the class might not have been a time for that conversation. Either of those children, in that moment, might not have been suitable for that without disrupting them or the rest of the class. Not every moment should be turned into a learning tool on the fly.

Sometimes, there is no polite way of handling it. Sometimes, adults have to shut questions down. What the teacher could have done involves far more factors than any of us, including the OP, are going to know as we weren't there, but not all 6 year olds respond well to that kind of modeling some kids like I was make up lies and that can snowball out of control and any explanation for a 6 year old is going to eat into time that is likely needed for other things at that moment. Lessons pulled out of our arse can be great, but they can also go terrible wrong and this one has the potential of putting two children on the spot when all these discussions could be handled later.

And I think resilience is becoming one of the most overdone words. Beyond genetic components, we gain resilience by moving through challenges that end up worth it on the other side - what is there to be gained by answering this kind of question? Often very little. I'm starting to think resilience is moving from 'bouncing back from adversity' to 'shutting up and not complaining about anything others want from us'. It's not a weakness or lack of resilience to not want to answer questions that are of no benefit to us to answer just because someone else is curious. I deal with it all the time, and it hasn't done anything other than make me realize people are far worse at guessing accents, ethnicities, and most things than they think they are.

Oh for crying out loud. He's 6 years old. If he was 10 and berating the kid I could understand. My two year old asks me why I have yellow top of the hair and black bottom because it looks yucky (roots) It's an observation.

And tbh I suppose at 6 years old, if the child hasn't had a lot of screen time to adult programmes showcasing the wide range of set ups, then why would he know? Kids question things that are not the usual to them don't they? At the start of lockdown the OP's son was 5 possibly 4. I honestly don't think the parents need to sit down a child that young and explain certain stuff.

I can imagine this is how the convo would have gone without the teachers intervention.

"Why doesn't your dad live with you?"

"I have two houses, one with mummy, one with daddy, Idk"

"Oh that's cool , wow that's fun"

End of (along those lines)

I think the teacher actually shamefully scolded the child and possibly now the child won't ask any sort of questions to teachers in case of being called "rude"

The teacher if she felt the need to intervene could have been like "Oh some mummy's and daddy's don't live in the same house" and used it as a chance to teach.

Btw, as a victim of childhood domestic violence, when kids used to ask me the very same Q , granted I remember being in around year 4, I would simply reply "daddy's naughty" and that was that.

Honestly, if I was told I had been rude by an adult at 6, I know it would have been mortified and it would have stayed with me. I hate the use of that word, it's so.... British and proper.

Yes I am british but living in a more relaxed EU country for past year has really opened my eyes to all the cultural pearl clutching and insistence on keeping kids in line like pets.

I have very strict boundaries with my own two so far well behaved young children, but I don't brand their behaviour this or that, rude or selfish etc. I'm sure I will have cause to in the future, if one talks back to me or another adult, or says something deliberately rude or unkind
But this 6 year old was asking a question. As many have said previously, a quick two sentence explanation as to why it isn't a good idea to ask such questions would have sufficed.