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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher's comment to DC

329 replies

Imgonnadance · 03/02/2021 21:27

My 6 year old is still attending school and today he innocently asked another child in his bubble why he doesn’t live with his dad. The teacher heard this and scolded him saying you mustn't ask that as it is rude.
I think she is being ridiculous and at age 6 these are innocent questions that children ask. If the boy had been left to answer he probably would have answered like a 6 year old and said his parents don't live together and that would have been the end of it. Instead she's made it a taboo subject for the other boy and confused my child as he didnt understand why the question would be rude.

So AIBU to think this was a bad way to handle this conversation? Should she not at least have explained why she thought it was a rude question? Do you think it is a rude question from a 6 year old?

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 04/02/2021 08:37

@slothpaw

I love that an out of context quote from a teacher, that no one knows that background to, can lead to 8 pages of debate and the teacher being labelled as crap.

Maybe the teacher was trying to protect the child in question. None of you know the circumstances.

No not all have said this. Many not
Cam77 · 04/02/2021 08:47

Teachers have to respond to a dozen or more random/dodgy comments by kids every single day. 100 every week. 1000s every year. They can’t get every single response pitch perfect I’m afraid.

Bumblebee1980a · 04/02/2021 09:06

@AStudyinPink

And no, I don’t think explaining why is necessary or helpful at 6.
How ridiculous. You don't just "tell a child off" (such old school terms), you explain why they can't do something so they learn in the future.
Bumblebee1980a · 04/02/2021 09:09

@Imgonnadance

He obviously has asked me why it was rude and I struggled to answer to be honest. I dont think it is a rude question for a child to ask. I told him his friend may feel sad that he doesn’t live with his dad and that may be why the teacher said it is a rude question but other than that I didnt know what to say as I dont agree with the teacher
Perfect answer.

I wouldn't have liked a teacher saying that to my DC either. Instead I would hope the teacher would help facilitate the conversation (observe) and redirect if needed and as you say the other child answer may have just been "because my parents don't live together". If I was a teacher I would have them observed the child after to see if he needed any support.

JustJustWhy · 04/02/2021 09:17

I struggled to answer to be honest

Gosh, really?

Draineddraineddrained · 04/02/2021 09:20

I think it's a bit daft all these people saying the teacher/OP should just tell a child f 6 not to ask "personal questions" or to "mind his own business" and just leave it at that. How is a 6yo supposed to infer from that what is "personal" and what is "his business"? Is it his business to ask his friends what they did at the weekend, or their favourite colour? If it's personal to ask about who they live with, is it personal to ask if they have any pets?

I don't think it's fair to expect young kids to just wander through a minefield of unexplained social mores and only find out what they are when they step on one and get their metaphorical legs blown off. If they misstep, they need an explanation as to how - not necessarily on the spot but at some point, or they learn nothing.

Agree though that it's odd for a 6yo not to have any idea of the various reasons other kids' families aren't like theirs. This is a big job for parents when kids are super young onwards, ESPECIALLY if like @bellie710 above you live in a bit of a monoculture - same with racial difference of you grow up in a twee little village with only one black family, it's very much on you to use the (numerous) age appropriate resources to normalise other races/family set-ups to your young kids.

People always say kids "don't see difference" as an excuse not to have to talk about it, as if talking about it is what causes the problem - this is rubbish, they see it instinctively from tiny babies and it needs to be discussed and managed.

I made the mistake of thinking because I live in a very mutlicultural city and my DD was in a nursery with kids and staff of different races, I didn't need to explicitly have the discussions with her about people looking different and that being ok - I thought she'd learn that through immersion. Until I found she'd segregated out all her Asian and black Playmobil characters because they looked different to the (white, blonde/brunette) ones that looked like her and her parents 🤦‍♀️

On the other hand, I come from a very complicated blended family so I have lots of opportunities to talk to her about single parent families, adoptive families etc etc so she has zero expectation that her friends will have a mummy and a daddy or that all their siblings will have the same parents etc. You have to actively consider where the gaps are in your child's experience of difference and fill them in with stories/discussions/examples. Children aren't perfect little egalitarians who get twisted into prejudice by society; we're pack animals by nature and the good thing about society is it gives us the opportunity to overcome those instincts.

Adifferentstory2 · 04/02/2021 09:23

Total overreaction and missed opportunity to talk about how all families look different. Might also trigger the 6 year old to question why a teacher doesn’t want them talking about their family. What a shame.

AStudyinPink · 04/02/2021 09:37

How ridiculous. You don't just "tell a child off" (such old school terms), you explain why they can't do something so they learn in the future.

Old school? I tell my child off if she needs it. But this isn’t a telling off, it’s a correction. I’ve already said, it’s fine to explain briefly and in an age-appropriate way, but no, you don’t tell a 6 year old it might be rude because the dad might have died. Hmm

AStudyinPink · 04/02/2021 09:38

How is a 6yo supposed to infer from that what is "personal" and what is "his business"? Is it his business to ask his friends what they did at the weekend, or their favourite colour? If it's personal to ask about who they live with, is it personal to ask if they have any pets?

They can ask their parent, or learn over time. Like the rest of us did.

Bibidy · 04/02/2021 09:44

Maybe the teacher knows it's a sensitive subject for the other child, for whatever reason?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/02/2021 09:45

I dont think its rude. We shouldnt be encouraging children to think that any family set up is something to hide/be ashamed of. I also think many children at 6 are still learning about privacy and tact and saying "it's none of your business" is teaching them a phrase that in itself is quite rude sounding, its not a polite way to talk and I know few adults who would speak that way to, for example, a colleague.

Some more polite ways to talk to the child would be to say

  • "everyone's homes are different Tommy, and there can be lots of reasons why. Some of those reasons might make people feel sad, so we don't usually ask people why their home is different to ours, we wait for them to choose to tell us, if they want to."

I think what you said is helpful OP and that it's not helpful for a teacher to say something is rude to a child this age, and not take the child aside to give some guidance about why.

Bumblebee1980a · 04/02/2021 09:45

@AStudyinPink

Old school? I tell my child off if she needs it. But this isn’t a telling off, it’s a correction. I’ve already said, it’s fine to explain briefly and in an age-appropriate way, but no, you don’t tell a 6 year old it might be rude because the dad might have died

You are wrong. Trust me. When you tell a child not to do something you explain why so they learn why you have told them not not to do things. You don't have to say "because the dad might have died" but if it's relevant you can do this. It might open a topic you need to discuss. You have to discuss things with children in an age appropriate way or else their imagination fills the blanks.

I personally don't "tell my child off" I try my best to discuss things. I guess it depends on what you're definition of telling off is.

Bumblebee1980a · 04/02/2021 09:47

@AStudyinPink

They can ask their parent, or learn over time. Like the rest of us did.

I'm waiting for the "back in my day we did this and there's nothing wrong with me now" 😂😂😂

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/02/2021 09:47

Draineddraineddrained
Good post

Gardenista · 04/02/2021 09:48

It is a rude question. There’s no happy reason a hold wouldn’t live with both parents, maybe a 6 year old means no harm from it but it is absolutely an intrusive question for an adult.

AStudyinPink · 04/02/2021 09:48

Bumblebee1980a

Oh leave it out. We all parent differently. I think you’re wrong. I’m not going to “trust you” or argue with you. Hmm

Iaintaffraidofcoldtoast · 04/02/2021 09:50

@AStudyinPink

How is a 6yo supposed to infer from that what is "personal" and what is "his business"? Is it his business to ask his friends what they did at the weekend, or their favourite colour? If it's personal to ask about who they live with, is it personal to ask if they have any pets?

They can ask their parent, or learn over time. Like the rest of us did.

Yeah fortunately learning has moved on a lot since then. We now have PSHE which encompasses all these subjects and encourages discussion rather than ‘learn over time’ or go ask their parents.
Bumblebee1980a · 04/02/2021 09:53

@AStudyinPink

So what part of my post is wrong?

I explained that a parent/teacher should aim to offer an explanation to a child when telling them not to do or say something. How is that wrong?

So little Johnny is about to cross the road without looking, and you would just say "no" or "stop" you wouldn't tell him why he shouldn't just step out into the road.

Ignorant.

AStudyinPink · 04/02/2021 09:54

Bumblebee1980a

As I said, I don’t want an argument. I find your blanket statement and insults rude, so I will leave it at that.

AStudyinPink · 04/02/2021 09:55

Yeah fortunately learning has moved on a lot since then. We now have PSHE which encompasses all these subjects and encourages discussion rather than ‘learn over time’ or go ask their parents.

And during those lessons it can be discussed. When a child asks a peer a very personal question at random, it should be corrected.

Bumblebee1980a · 04/02/2021 09:57

@AStudyinPink

Bumblebee1980a

As I said, I don’t want an argument. I find your blanket statement and insults rude, so I will leave it at that.

Of course you find it rude because you can't 'argue' your points (and btw it ain't an argument, it's a difference of opinion).
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/02/2021 09:59

Oh and lots of posts on here implying any other response is the teacher "using a childs personal circumstances as a learning resource for the whole class".

Bollocks. Taking one child aside discreetly a few mins later for 30 seconds to give a generalised explanation of why that question isnt ok, does not invade anyone else's privacy.

A child of 6 from a family with no divorce, bereavement, homosexual couples etc would not have a CLUE why someone might not live with both parents, or why all the reasons why someone wouldnt would be sad. Its not good enough to leave all such questions for parents to deal with - the reality is children are in school 5 days out of 7, and the teacher is acting in loco parentis. Furthermore, many parents might be unlikely to encounter this situation on a weekend so won't be presented with the opportunity to explain it.

My child certainly wouldnt have a clue - he has zero experience in our wider family and friendship circles of any of those things. He lives in a family where the adults are generally very open about things and would be baffled by being accused of being "nosy".

As a parent its impossible to anticipate such curious questions before they happen - the teacher is the adult present in the moment and its appropriate for them to educate children on social and emotional behaviours as well as as academic matters.

Iaintaffraidofcoldtoast · 04/02/2021 10:00

@Gardenista

It is a rude question. There’s no happy reason a hold wouldn’t live with both parents, maybe a 6 year old means no harm from it but it is absolutely an intrusive question for an adult.
It wasn’t an adult though Confused

As a society we need to move away from the stigma that separated families = bad and we must not talk about it. Children from separated families can and do live happy fulfilled lives.

Nearly half of all marriages in the U.K. end in divorce. So it’s actually pretty normal for children to come from split homes. And it’s actually a pretty normal question coming from a six year old.

AStudyinPink · 04/02/2021 10:00

Of course you find it rude because you can't 'argue' your points (and btw it ain't an argument, it's a difference of opinion).

I think you struggle to know what’s rude, from what you have said here today. Anyway, have a good day.

Bumblebee1980a · 04/02/2021 10:01

@AStudyinPink

And during those lessons it can be discussed. When a child asks a peer a very personal question at random, it should be corrected.

They're 6!!!! They don't have that level of emotional intelligence at that age. Hence why you have to explain in an age appropriate manner. At this age they're concrete thinkers and don't have the brain development for complex thinking processes (emotional intelligence etc), it's something that has to be learnt.

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