If my cat had AIBU...

[Greenandcabbagelooking]

AIBU to think that three pouches of wet food, two meals of dry food, some treats and unlimited fresh water just isn’t sufficient to sustain a cat? I’m so starved, I had to tell all the children on my human’s zoom lesson about it in the hope they’d feed me. They didn’t, and human shut me out the office, so I only had the whole rest of the house to run around.

How do I call cat line?

My humans are often inconsiderate enough to not feed me 742 times a day, on demand. I am regularly reduced to pretending I am a dog and being forced to perform tricks to fool them with my cuteness.

None of you are being unreasonable at all. And that includes TC, who is only trying to show Grumpy how to live an ordered life.

My human is being unreasonable when she yells at me when my teeth are bored and I need to chew on something, like computer cables. How uncouth. She also screeches when I claw her legs. Dunno why, really. The scratching post doesn't screech. Hmmm. Maybe that's why I don't use it - I need an audience.

The dried catnip has run out and the fresh stuff isn't growing fast enough, which I am being blamed for (I caught the words "greedy fecker" and "niphead" being muttered passive aggressively in my direction). Apparently there will be none available until at least March. Does anyone have the number of the RSPCA?

I don't want to be accused of drip feeding so I should probably point out she is not actually my owner

AIBU to ask the cat GP for a second opinion? I went for my annual check up last week and the cat GP said I was a perfect weight. I don't think this can be true because my humans starve me and sometimes won't give me Dreamies until I've tripped them up four or five times.

Should I complain to the practice manager?

Also my humans have a garden with a ferocious squirrel in it. It makes faces at me until I am afraid to leave my own home. There is also a really large pigeon (larger than me) that landed on the patio once and now I have flashbacks whenever I go outside. Despite this, they won't leave the door open for me to wander in and out whenever I like. AIBU to demand they make the garden cat-safe?

I would call Cats' Protection League, Morred, as it is their duty to protect us.

Aibu to think when i bring dead rats for my humans they should be grateful. I've left at least one in the garden every night this week and not had a single thank you or extra treat in my bowl. So I brought a live one into the house via my cat flap and left it right where humans would find it stuffed into the toddlers shoe ... and what did i get in return; my monthy flea treatment!

AIBU to bring a live dunnock into the house while my human was putting a large carton of yoghurt in the fridge, startling her so she screamed and dropped the yoghurt and it split all over the kitchen floor?

I only brought in the dunnock as she didn’t enjoy the eviscerated mouse last week. She is defo BU

evil I assume you helped her clean up the yoghurt - plain is one of my very favourite things but just in case my humans are reading this - huh - I can always taste any medication if it’s in yoghurt and even in a dairylea bought specially for the evil purpose and I will NEVER be duped.

Could someone please explain why the boobied hooman doesn't like me sitting on her like this? I'm saving her a fortune in heating & scarves.

iklboo there’s just no answer to that one. She’s just a hooman. Very odd behaviour. Your positioning there is textbook. Your own mother would be proud of you.

I know, right! I'm saving her from the blue light rays from the laptop and did I get any thanks?! Did I eckerslike!

@HeronLanyon

snooks I’ve also been told by my owner that some of us actually get on and have good relationships dogs. ! Yet another human lie I’m sure (like saying catnip isn’t good for me - huh - I’d like to see my humans do without their funny drinks they have most evenings which make them go all funny sometimes). I am so sorry about your big lummox situation. Awful for you. Swipe away I say. Don’t get sucked into this nonsense of ‘getting on’.

And @EerieSilence thank you both for your dog hating support. I mean, what is the actual point of them? They can’t even go for a walk by themselves! Pathetic. They have to wear those baby rein things hahaha. I am allowed out by myself

Lummox dog here is stupid too. It wags its tail whenever a human owner enters the house, even if they’ve only taken the bins out! I would never lower myself to be so pathetically grateful. AIBU? I think not.

@Snooks1971 they're pathetic, aren't they? Grateful for every little cuddle, like it's a special thing and not their right.

AIBU to meow incessantly at the door then run away and hide as soon as mummy gets up to open it? AIBU to instantly return to meowing at the door as soon as she is settled on the sofa again?

AIBU to gently place my bumhole on innocent humans' noses just as they're drifting off to sleep?

AIBU to insist any and all boxes, cardboard or otherwise, are hoarded indefinitely for my sitting pleasure?

@EerieSilence yup I agree, pathetic. Their stupid tails. Occasionally it’s wagging its tail like a complete Wally next to me and the tail sort of thwacks me on my side. You should see my face! Pure outrage! If only my looks could kill (I’m working on my staring).

AIBU to insist any and all boxes, cardboard or otherwise, are hoarded indefinitely for my sitting pleasure?

YANBU I insist on this as well, we have cardboard boxes that are practically vintage.

@Snooks1971 let's have a Ziaow session to give you some lessons. My younger disciple Kitty isn't so good because her stare gets lost in the fluff but as an old seasoned warrior I could outstare anyone.
I was also the first one to give the dog a scratch and scare, so extra points.

[quote EerieSilence]@Snooks1971 let's have a Ziaow session to give you some lessons. My younger disciple Kitty isn't so good because her stare gets lost in the fluff but as an old seasoned warrior I could outstare anyone.
I was also the first one to give the dog a scratch and scare, so extra points.[/quote]
Sounds good to me. I will send you my e-miaow address so we can hook up. I should warn you that I’m 16 and probably better than you though. I tend to be good at most things, when I can be arsed obviously.

@Gastontehladybird

Fellow cats, don't tolerate such poor care standards. Do what I do, stick to the hoomans knees as soon as they sit down. And dig, dig, dig your claws in. Show them, firmly but kindly, who is running this show.

They must learn to follow the demands of their feline overlords

I agree. They should not have invited me to live with them in the first if they weren't prepared to give me everything I want, even if I change my mind after I asked for it and then changed it back after they stopped offering

(My human says, absolutely beautiful cat by the way)

@Snooks1971 - it's a deal. While I'm only 13, I'm a seasoned warrior of many wars and battles and I left the footpath covered with the fur of many enemies many times.
Did I also mention how good I was at protecting my humans? When the fat young disciple was hissing at her once, I approached her from the back in the best feline special forces way and bit her in her backside. The following chase and disassembly of the kitchen was spectacular.

@Iwantamarshmallowman - I brought my human a beautiful juicy fat mouse, still alive. Instead of being grateful and chasing her, she let that lowly creature bit her in the toe. She was blaming me for ending on strong antibiotics afterwards. They are very weak, those humans and deserve to be treated as such.

Cat 1 aibu to expect the slaves to be grateful for the gifts I bring them in the dark. Apparently they don't want half dead mice, birds, frogs and that one time I caught a bat but they're so shit at hunting I have no other choice. Also I should be allowed to sit wherever I want at the time I want it and if that includes getting on a slaves work so be it. We all know the only real work a slave should do is cater to our every whim and the male slave's clients definitely want to see my arsehole.

Cat 2 aibu to do the following:

• chew wires
• chew the corners of furniture
• chew the table lamps
• chew shoe laces
• chew books when the female slave is reading them
• demand to be fed every hour cos the slaves insist on only feeding me three times a day
• check the weather at different doors to see which offers the best.
• refuse to use the designated shitting place when it's too cold for my precious derriere outside and instead use that area the slaves use for getting wet.
• drink water from the drain cover or a puddle.
• wake the slaves at 4am cos I think I should be being fed and if they refuse try to nibble their fingers.
• jump on the coffee table and try to lick the plates
• get on the kitchen work surfaces and lick the butter
• walk all over the female slave's work when she's doing tricky things and yell like a banshee when the slaves have to clean glue or paint off my paws.
• demand to be let through a closed door even though I showed zero interest in what was behind it when it was open
• behave like I'm being tortured when the slaves keep me in the house because my asthma is playing up
• chase off next door's cat cos my sister is friends with her
• yell at the female slave through the bathroom door when she's showering or using the toilet because how can she want to do anything without my presence?
• hide behind the shower curtain and attack the slaves when they're brushing their teeth. It's best when they don't realise I'm there and scream and shout "that fucking cat".

Also I demand that I should get fed more than my sister cos she eats slower than I do and the slaves should get rid of the lidded bowls so I can steal her food when nobody's looking. I should definitely get treats without having to have my medication every day too.

AIBU for walking past the hard floors, up the old carpeted stairs and waiting until I am on the freshly washed bed linen before puking up the fresh free range chicken my Mum gave me?

@TheChip

One of my colleagues attempted the door dive technique previously at the same address. On each occasion he was thwarted.

Little tip for you. He found he was more successful in striking up a rapport with visitors to the property. One visitor was so convinced by his powerful portrayal through miaows and body language of "I live HERE" he scooped him up and carried him in with him. He was even more successful with another group of visitors to the property, so much so that in the temporary absence of the owner of the house they took him in and fed him.

AIBU to ignore the pet water fountain thing in favour of the tap?

AIBU to wait until everyone is in bed before miaowing plaintively in the hallway "you have left me, where are youuuuuu?".