If my cat had AIBU...

[Greenandcabbagelooking]

AIBU to think that three pouches of wet food, two meals of dry food, some treats and unlimited fresh water just isn’t sufficient to sustain a cat? I’m so starved, I had to tell all the children on my human’s zoom lesson about it in the hope they’d feed me. They didn’t, and human shut me out the office, so I only had the whole rest of the house to run around.

How do I call cat line?

ThatsnotmyBorishishairistoneat
YES x 100! How is one supposed to toilet in the cold white stuff

AIBU for trying to eat my hooman’s delicious Dominoes after she had a mare of a day, when I have two bowls of high quality kitten food for me? Pizza smelt so nice and she wouldn’t let me have any

@CriticalWoman to be fair I was getting some extra grub until they got wise to my demands and said I looked a bit "portly". Not my fault it's cold in the garden so I'm not running around as much!

spurs be careful. Once hooman use ‘portly’ in your hearin a vet trip ( weigh-in and diet regime) might be on the cards. I’ve a neighbouring cat - good chap actually - who’s been forced onto a diet for 4 months now and all close hoomans told not to give him even the slightest titbit ! Just wrong.
Hope he’s not on here or he would be droolin over cristal pizza pic. I am anyway.

Apparently refusing to surrender the bed is grounds for being unceremoniously plonked onto the floor. I dealt with this by releasing a noxious fart, then inciting my siblings to riot. That’ll teach her to disrespect me and call me Pudding.

I find that backing up to the laptop when my hooman is doing some kind of team-talk thing with her ladies (again) gets a better reaction.

Alas, no room for that here

@CloudyGladys you look exactly like me (v handsome, obvs). I had to do a double take there!

My cat cannot post an AIBU because he knows he is being reasonable. His AIBU would go "the female human stops pulling the string around shortly after I stop chasing it, instead of waving it about for hours while I sit and watch. She is fucking useless. IANBU."

Why? Why? Why is the small Hooman here every day! It's been, like, forever. Big Hooman opens the door at 5.30am every morning and feeds me and then I cuddle her back to sleep. I don't enjoy it, but even slaves need comforted sometimes. But small Hooman has no respect. I'm snoozing in my favourite chair. The one with the 'ridiculously expensive' cashmere throw and fluffy cushion, right in front of the cosy radiator and she wants to pick me up to facetime other felines. And then gets cross when I show them my perfect bum hole.
I'm only staying because the litter tray is changed on a regular basis and big Hooman lets me lick her throat.

AIBU to pee in the bathroom sink?

AIBU at 10 months old to wrap myself around my mums legs when she is moving around the house? Also, I enjoy running instant of her when she is walking dow the stairs. And up them. I sit on her lap when she is sitting on the cold human litter thing.

@crystal1983

AIBU for trying to eat my hooman’s delicious Dominoes after she had a mare of a day, when I have two bowls of high quality kitten food for me? Pizza smelt so nice and she wouldn’t let me have any

That's really mean of her. I suggest that next time you bring home a live mouse you don't offer her any, that'll show her.

The human assaulted me again - the tiny drop of liquid on the back of my neck thing, "for fleas and worms". Naturally I am totally milking it, cowering and hiding whenever she comes near so she ends up giving me a weeks supply of Dreamies in one go to win back my trust. I'm not that easily bought though, and it will be at least 3 days before I do her the honour of sprawling across her keyboard when she's "trying to work".

I'm voting that the furry masters have definitely not been unreasonable and they just have needs because my cat has full control in this house and has brain washed me

My hooman keeps putting the toilet seat down so I can't drink out of it. Why?! I know I've got fresh water down stairs but the toilet water is so much more fun to lap up. She also shuts me out of the bathroom while she showers all I want to do is sit in the sink and watch her.... I think she finds it unnerving. I just want to make sure she's ok that's all

AIBU to poo next to the litter tray instead of in it?

I mean, I did carefully scoop quite a lot of litter out of the tray to cover it up when I'd finished. I'm not a slattern.

If the peasant doesn't poop scoop from the litter tray fast enough, I like to piss in my bowl of biscuits to teach her a lesson.

AIBU to lie on the garage roof making faces at the stupid dog who keeps barking at me?

Dog has some sort of crazy idea about part of my empire being their territory, simply because their human bought the house next door and seems to think that the garden goes with the house. How ridiculous! Everyone knows that I have been sunning myself there for years.

So now I lie on the garage roof surveying the Lost Garden and driving stupid dog crazy...

Aibu to do my business (IN the litter tray mind you) then scatter litter carefully all around the outside of the litter tray and shred the newspaper and scatter that around across the floor too ? Surely that’s what they’ve put the stoopid paper there for ?
Why do we constantly have to educate our stoopid hoomans ? Keep hearing ‘on line teaching from home’ - well I do that every day all day right in front of their faces sometimes when sitting ON their face ! . My hoomans don’t seem to learn anything.

It's ESSENTIAL that I frantically scratch a specific part of the living room carpet. My stupid human keeps directing me to the £120 scratching post or the scratching mat she installed in a corner (this was previously the corner that it was absolutely crucial I scratch, but not any more). Cheeky fucker.

AIBU to lay on her face and smother her when she's asleep?

AIBU to scratch all the lovely newly uncovered wood in my house? My hoomans spent hours and hours scraping at it whilst ignoring me but they have made me lots of amazing built in scratching posts so...
However one of the slaves has covered one up in white stuff which I cannot touch, so I crept into her bed whilst she was asleep to fool her into thinking I was snuggling her, then I put one of my claws into her nipple. Ha!

Aibu to think my human should eat from the bowl in the floor and I should be the one eating from a plate on a table? Whenever I try to jump up to the table, my human tells me to go away or she pushes me down (someone call the RSPCA please). Yet she expects me to eat from a bowl on the floor like some kind of savage. Wtf.

Also, whenever my human opens up her laptop, which as we all know is designed to be a relaxing place for cats, she persists to bash away at the buttons making it uncomfortable for me to lie down on. But - it's my cat resting space so why does she keep doing this?! She also pushes me away whenever I jump on her lap while she's on the toilet, as if she isn't grateful that I'm gracing her with my presence. Not to mention the time I tried to get in the bath with her. She doesn't appreciate me at all. She doesn't even appreciate when I leave her dead birds and mice and things. She does seem quite pleased when I eat the eight legged creatures though. I suppose she's not all bad.

Great thread!
AIBU to want to pe in the bath (usually at the same time as my cat mother is peeing in the loo). Even though I have the choice of two litter trays?

AIBU to scratch all the lovely newly uncovered wood in my house

Absolutely not. How else will it learn?

AIBU to run at the long front door mat at speed at night to make weird noises, creating a trip hazard, then getting annoyed when the feeders want to straighten it before feeding me next morning yes I have a catflap to run outside and lots of food so not hungry, I secretly like pushing the mat