If my cat had AIBU...

[Greenandcabbagelooking]

AIBU to think that three pouches of wet food, two meals of dry food, some treats and unlimited fresh water just isn’t sufficient to sustain a cat? I’m so starved, I had to tell all the children on my human’s zoom lesson about it in the hope they’d feed me. They didn’t, and human shut me out the office, so I only had the whole rest of the house to run around.

How do I call cat line?

Aibu to bed for food then not eat it?

Aibu to watch my humans have sex?

Aibu to be so frickin cute?

You all need to LTB.

Mass walkout

AIBU to savage the small human who keeps picking me up? I haven’t yet because she appears to be in charge of the other humans. They seem to be afraid of her. Her bed is the most comfortable though and she makes more time for head rubbing than the rest of them. think I may have Stockholm Syndrome.

Can I ask what is wrong with being obsessed by my lady hooman's boobs? Surely they're meant to be padded & kneaded for hours. Aren't they hooman cushions?

AIBU to be the first one to sit on claw my humans brand new mattress within 5 mins of it being unwrapped.

AIBU to come in and out of the cat flap eleven billion times when it's raining so my human has multiple muddy paw prints to clean up yet when it's dry out I'm glued to the sofa.

AIBU to think my hoomans should feed me everytime they go into the kitchen, not just at my feeding times? Also AIBU to think they should appreciate it when I groom them and make sure they are clean and well turned out, even though i am rather a large boy and my teeth hurt them, I am only trying to make sure they look good.

@mumwon

For pp - a sci fi book by Robert Heinlein was called "A Door into Summer" which(among other things) the hero had a cat who use to check that if the weather was bad at the front door one should always check the back... so dear cats you have a famous sci fi author who was also a cat slave

I get my staff to do this. Especially the female staff member, as she is the most gullible. I get her to open the front door. I will stick my head around sniff the air and check the weather. If it’s unsatisfactory I will head for the backdoor. I have a cat flap, but I’m too posh to push. If it is still looking gloomy, and especially if it’s wet the staff gets a swipe, sometimes I nip her ankles too. That will learn her!

My lodger bought a large beanbag chair for her room. It's clearly a very large cat bed. It's the largest, nicest cat bed in the house. I'm a tiny cat so I suppose I could sit in a smaller cat bed but I'm not interested in doing that.
It's my house. The lodger did not ask my permission to move in new furniture and so I've commandeered it for my use in the living room. I've offered the lodger one of my old beds to sit in in her room but she's saying I'm being unreasonable.

AIBU? I don't think I am. She's a lodger. It's my house. My house. My rules. My luxury cat bed.

AIBU to use the sofa for filing my nails?

Or should I just LTH? (Leave the Human)

Child of the house ignores me scratching his door as always has headphones on with bedroom door closed. I dont care that they get cross with me for scratching the new carpet up right by the door. He shouldn't ignore me. I want to sleep on his bed.

The nasty vet man was impertinent enough to look at my teeth recently and now the human is expecting me to eat mostly dry food. I love the dry food but AIBU to howl like a wounded moose at every meal and then lie on my back pretending to have starved to death?

Also AIBU to viciously attack the human because when I do the above she often pokes me in my (massive) belly and calls me fatty fat cat?

AIBU to think that my hooman should get off the bloody internet and pay attention to ME?

AIBU to put a stop to this by sitting on the router? Those blue cables would probably be fun to chew on next.

My mummy lady hooman doesn't like it when I spread myself out in the rumbly dryer. Is it MY fault it's so warm & cost?

I did read an article that suggested all cats need more food in winter - even the pampered ones that never go outside, and are currently luxuriating in 24/7 central heating - although they are having to endure 24/7 humans never going out to work.

My cats AIBU of the day is that I went out for a walk, she got excited when I got back and snuck out into the lobby (not the big lobby with a street door, just the internal one to three flats). I didn't notice and shut her out by mistake - and didn't hear her frantic scratching and meowing and rescue her for at least three minutes.

The woman fed me this morning. She fed me again at lunchtime. She fed me at tea time.

She is refusing to feed me again even though it's been 30 minutes since I last had food.

I am overweight (please don't fat shame. I'm having a really hard time since the people are around all the time with lockdown) and she says that's why but I don't believe her.

AIBU to think she's just being a bit of a cunt?

AIBU to expect my human to understand that a newspaper or magazine is a lovely little square for me to sit on, not some so-called reading material for them 🙄
Also I know you give me clean water every day but I reserve to right to turn my nose up at it and give you a disgusted look yet still drink from the toilet or better still a dirty puddle outside.

AIBU to ask why my hoomans keep putting my water in a bowl on the floor when I couldn't make it more obvious that I prefer it out of a glass -preferably the one my mum has just brought in and put on the coffee table.

AIBU to ask why I had to make this acceptance speech at a film festival instead of the human?

AIBU for wanting my humans to go back to the office already? They are hanging round my house all day supposedly 'working from home' but they are really getting in the way of my all day naps, how am I supposed to have the energy to get up at 3am if I have only slept for 10 hours??

You know, I remember a time when the kittens showed some respect. Not like now, oh no. The next generation of cats are so spoiled. In my day it was dentabits or nothing, none of this dreamies crap.
Speaking of which, I'm only eating them because they're there, it'd be a waste otherwise.
Back in my day the slaves knew their place. I don't know what's gone wrong. There's more of them too and the small ones, oh don't get me started. Noisy, scary, don't let an old cat get her 20 hours a day sleep. The smallest one did knock my bag of biscuits over so I ate a lot, so it's not all bad.
Some new cat's moved in over the road. Now I haven't got anything personally against ginger tabbies, but.... well... we black cats are just superior in every way.
Back in my day you could reliably poo in the garden. These days it's ever so far away and the rug is so soft. Medium sized human keeps saying something about "Is it time for the...." but she whispers that bit. It's just a bit of poop you know. Now sit down so I can have my favourite nap spot back.
In my day, the kittens had some respect.
Kimberley, aged 18.

AIBU to drink the water from where my humans do their weeing?
I don’t know why they don’t do it in the garden, much more fun.

@StarlightLady

Frend = Friend. My paws slipped on the keys.

I don’t know if any of you have already mentioned this, but I don’t care, I CBA to read your silly comments. I dislike other cats, so there.

But.....for the love of a cat god, why, when I decide I like a certain sort of food and hoover it up, why do my bowing and scraping stupid owners stock up on this food?

They are then perturbed when I dislike this food the very next day.
AIBU? I never am.

AIBU, when my human is refusing to get out of bed and feed me at a reasonable hour (when the birdies start tweeting), to stick my mouth over her nose and breathe kitty breath straight up her nostrils?

Jumping on her head from the top of the wardrobe stopped working.

AIBU to only wish to drink fresh water from a china cup? I have an active dislike for the small noisy two legged creature, so I destroyed the rug. I am also very upset that I can no longer get into the cupboard under the stairs, it was my favourite place to pee.