If my cat had AIBU...

[Greenandcabbagelooking]

AIBU to think that three pouches of wet food, two meals of dry food, some treats and unlimited fresh water just isn’t sufficient to sustain a cat? I’m so starved, I had to tell all the children on my human’s zoom lesson about it in the hope they’d feed me. They didn’t, and human shut me out the office, so I only had the whole rest of the house to run around.

How do I call cat line?

YABU to call cat line. Puke in your humans shoe, and then knock some glasses off the table in a dramatic rage.

My humans are very unreasonable. I put my life on the line again and again defending their garden from intruders - that bastard stripey thing from across the road and that fat black thug next door.
But when I stagger home in the wee small hours exhausted from battle and dripping blood everywhere, they are not remotely grateful. Mutter about “costing us a sodding fortune in vet’s bills” and then lure me in to a box with dreamies and take me to visit the horrible people who smell of disinfectant. I hate them so I growl and bite them a LOT and they have to make me sleepy so they can patch me up and my humans mutter even more about cost. They are SO tight! They don’t deserve me. Ungrateful cunts. I’m off out for a scrap.

Two rats
Three mice
Half a pigeon (the icky half)
A large squirrel’s tail
Not ONE f*ing word of thanks

AIBU to ditch the ungrateful b***ds and move in with the family down the road, who ply me with treats? I am sure they would appreciate my dead creature gifts

MNHQ please please please put this in Classics. Signed KittyTheCat

AIBU to think it is completely out of order to be periodically grabbed in one's sleep, unceremoniously deposited in what can only be described as a portable cat prison and taken off to see the crazy lady who is obsessed with poking my ears. Oh and gazing at my teeth-she's obsessed with those. And sometimes she pokes me on the back of my neck with a pointy thing 'to make me feel better'.

Honestly, I just try to humour the poor dear, but calling me fat is just a step too far. And elderly. FFS, I'm only 15...

AIBU to only drink water from the big tall hooman vessels, despite having my own bowl of lovely fresh water? And when are they all going out again? Mine are home all day every day, even the small ones whose laps are too small for me to sit on without my bum dangling off the edge. I mean, what use is that?

AIBU to think taking selfies isn't that difficult?
And that my human should get up every day at 3am to give me breakfast.
My sister should also find her own cardboard box to sleep in and get out of mine.
I'm sick of being told to "play nicely" and being shouted at when the silly woman gets in my way on the stairs...I might trip over her!

Oh and another thing. AIBU to want to play with the other pets in the house? My hooman have the small cute one that they call the "hamster" who gets her own special house within the house. Every day she waves at me and yet I am not allowed to stroke her lovely inviting fur or play a game of chase with her.

AIBU to expect access to all areas of the house, yes, including the draining rack with the plates on, or the wardrobes, at all times?
And why does the human tell me off for fighting with my big sister, she's the one that decided we should both live here, and I need to remind her I'm the boss even though she got here first!
All these seem worse crimes since she's started talking to the laptop so often. Sometimes she's happy to show me off and then she is all "no DCat NOT NOW". No pleasing some people.
And we just asked for breakfast at 4am and are now on the stairs, the wrong side of the bedroom door. With no breakfast.

@motherrunner a lot of rescues are rehoming with virtual home checks- your new furry overlord could be with you before we're out of lockdown.

AIBU that I want a second breakfast now?
I had my first at 3, but I'm ever so hungry and not allowed biscuits as it makes my poo stink 😹😹
My sister has now slinked off upstairs to sit on the male slave in an attempt at resuscitation.
The long haired slave is telling me I'm getting porky.
AIBU to barf up a hairball in her underwear drawer when she's watching me?

One of the neighbours (number 3) has now moved to a care home. AIBU to think another neighbour should take over his 'feeding duty', my hoommin only feeds me dried food and left over meat.

Neighbour 1 lets me sleep on his belly, he feeds me cat milk and dreamies, neighbour 2 feeds me chicken through their window but neighbour 3 used to feed all the local cats tinned food.

I've perfected the art of knowing which meetings are important and which are not. Yesterday I interrupted a particularly important meeting. AIBU to think this will make her play with me a big more?

• bit

AIBU to knock ornaments off shelves to remind my human it's time for a meal

At least your food is edible OP. I’m on a Special Diet and the wet food is disgusting. I refuse to eat it. Especially with Very Important medication mixed in. I’m outraged.

@StarlightLady

Would it be so wrong to have a cat with benefits frend? I’d really love to shag the ginger cat across the road, but l don’t want anything long term with him.

Are you my cat’s girlfriend? If you are not even serious about committing to him, will you please stop coming round all the time and eating us out of house and dried food......

AIBU to use my humans as a sort of mobile stepladder to reach high shelves and tree branches?

And AIBU to think that after a year of this, they should be hardened to a bit of mild pain and not shriek every time I unexpectedly land on them when I want to get down again?

AIBU to let myself in several times a day for a snack and a nap? I mean it's not my home but it's comfy

AIBU to get my hoomin to get up and open the window for me to come in, rather than have to walk the three feet miles to my cat door?

AIBU to think my human is responsible for turning off the sky water. I'm sure she turns it on during the cold days on purpose for when I visit the garden.

The dog gets to go outside and it isn’t fair. I shout and shout and shout and the humans will not let me outside. I am four months old and more than capable of fending off the massive battle scarred toms that roam the area. I manage to fend off the horrid jingly thing from going around my neck after all.
Also the birds do not understand me. I shout and shout and shout but they do not fly down from the roofs, through the window and straight into my mouth

AIBU for waiting until my hooman is just dozing off before I jump at the door handle to open the door and let myself in.
Then after my hooman closes the door, I wait til she dozes off again before I scratch at the carpet to be let out.
I sometimes do this a few times a night.

(My hooman can't leave the door open because of the dogs)

AIBU to only play with the lid from a fruit shoot rather than the expensive toys my human purchased for me?

Also, is it acceptable to continue scratching at the carpet rather than the post thing that I have

Aibu to think my human is dead mean. She won't feed me constantly, she shouts at me for topping my water over even though I like to see it flood the bathroom floor. And she closes the curtains so I can't shout at people for walking past my house!

AIBU to eat croissants, brownies, passionfruit curd from the spoon and bread? also the usual staples of ham, cheese, sausage and anything else a human would eat...I've even licked a salad
My human says I'm nuts - I disagree! That would be my brother pictured above in his "selfie"
I have enough to put up with looking after and ambushing him.