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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mixed weight relationship

159 replies

Nonimai · 02/02/2021 20:11

Until last night, I had never heard the term “ mixed weight relationship” and would have still have been unaware had the Mail online not published a very peculiar article about a larger lady in a mixed weight relationship with a slim man ( like that’s news!). I then started to Google and realised that although the phrase Mixed Weight Relationship is seen by many as fat-shaming and mysogenistic (people don’t seem to dislike it as much if a man has a higher BMI than his partner) - it is actually a researched thing that apparently people generally view a relationship with a larger woman/ thinner man as lesser somehow.
I am a larger (size 22) plain looking short woman in my 50s, happily married to a completely in love with me, tall, slim good looking man who has a good job. He was considered a catch by both me and my friends tbh. However today looking at my life and friendships through the lens of “ mixed weight relationships and peoples apparent prejudice towards them” I have started to think on comments said to me by friends over the last 9 years since I got engaged and then married. I don’t want to suggest this is a common occurrence or that I have been in anyway upset - just puzzled and a bit peed off at the time, I suppose.
One friend repeatedly suggests that I lose weight, groom myself more or he will play away. I have been asked directly if he is a feeder. Another friend suggested we had a private small wedding because we didn’t look right together. No she didn’t get invited! - and speaking to my husband he says that business colleagues have commented on him liking larger women. He just thought they were shallow.
To me, the whole thing is horribly shallow and derogatory - do you agree? Or please be honest , do you make assumptions when you see couples where there is substantial physical difference? What do you think of the term “ mixed weight relationship?”.

OP posts:
ButterMeUpScotty · 02/02/2021 20:13

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ButterMeUpScotty · 02/02/2021 20:14

And your friend is not a friend, your love isn’t lesser because of what anyone weighs.

gwenneh · 02/02/2021 20:17

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PeigiSu · 02/02/2021 20:17

Bit of a double standard isn’t it? I don’t think people remark half as much when it’s the bloke who’s larger.

DH BMI 32 mine 22.

HastingsSpoon · 02/02/2021 20:19

@ButterMeUpScotty really?!

Notashandyta · 02/02/2021 20:20

I don't think much tbh!

Surely if anyone does, it's only fleeting.

Attraction and love are what they are whatever from it comes in. If it works, it works!

howsoonisnow85 · 02/02/2021 20:21

I haven't heard the term before & hadn't really considered the concept before reading your post but I think there is some truth in it unfortunately. I think its sort of human nature to couple up with someone who 'matches' you, whether thats in attractiveness, weight, intelligence etc. Also, is there just something about being similar enough to spend time together- i.e., both like exercising together so therefore slim, or both like getting takeaways & watching boxsets (me & my DH 😂)

GreenlandTheMovie · 02/02/2021 20:21

Eh? Men are considered less attractive if they are thinner and women less attractive if they are fatter? Where did this come from? Its incredibly prescriptive. Theres loads of different factors that constitute attractiveness, and then on top of that, far more different reasons why one person is attracted to another.

What does it even matter? I doubt if even a supermodel is going to appeal to every man out there. Why do you want to appeal to all these different tastes when you already have a husband?

HTH1 · 02/02/2021 20:22

I think your friends sound pretty bitchy but, fortunately, DH sounds lovely!

Sunnydays999 · 02/02/2021 20:22

I don’t think it matters . There have always been relationships where one partner is bigger than the other

SomewhereInbetween1 · 02/02/2021 20:26

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OldGreyBoots · 02/02/2021 20:27

No one has ever commented about it to me or DP, they're too busy judging because I'm taller than him Hmm

ButterMeUpScotty · 02/02/2021 20:32

@HastingsSpoon OP asked for honesty and I really wasn’t saying it to be a cow, I genuinely am curious. I know how sex works (even if it’s been a while!) but seriously do wonder. Don’t think that anyone deserves to be made to worry about their relationship or be made to feel bad about their weight by anyone though.

HerNameIsY0shimi · 02/02/2021 20:33

@ButterMeUpScotty Confused. Where do you think womens vulvas are?

Re the op, I don't think anything of it at all. As my not conventionally attractive dad said when his friends asked him what my ridiculously beautiful mum saw in him; "doesn't matter, does it?"

People are more than their looks.

Peanutbutterblood · 02/02/2021 20:38

If I saw a couple where one person was massively bigger then the other I'd maybe consider how compatible their lifestyles were. Only for a second though, generally I think people are attracted to what/who they are attracted to

NuniaBeeswax · 02/02/2021 20:40

Jesus fucking Christ. If they're not shagging you then it's not your problem is it?

Darbs76 · 02/02/2021 20:41

I guess there is some truth in it. Obviously some people are naturally thinner but I guess some might wonder if one person is into fitness / looking after themselves and wonders how compatible the couple are. That doesn’t mean to say a skinny person is necessarily healthy automatically. It’s not something I think much of as I don’t know anyone in a ‘Mixed weight relationship’

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/02/2021 20:42

Oh OP, why did you read the Mail Online? You've only yourself to blame!

Although some of your "friends" sound like fucking twats TBH.

Heavymetaldetector · 02/02/2021 20:43

I've never given it a second thought! How shallow and childish those people must be.
We're in an age gap relationship which people also judge. But thirteen years later we're still happy. They must have very sheltered sad lives to think like that x

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2021 20:47

It's not 'people' is it? I mean practically every American comedy film or TV series is some ugly, stupid, lazy, overweight man and his long-suffering, utterly gorgeous wife. It's when women are over weight and their male partners aren't suddenly it's an issue.

It's like every writer in the States is praying the idea catches on.

PurpleDaisies · 02/02/2021 20:49

Every day’s a school day. I have never hear of this before. It’s not something I would particularly notice or think about in any depth.

LApprentiSorcier · 02/02/2021 20:49

I am in a mixed weight marriage (never heard it called that before). Husband is chronically underweight - has been all his life. I am something of a yo-yo dieter but even at my slimmest I have never been below the mid-point of the healthy range for my height.

I am currently teetering on the 'obese' line due to lockdown & trying to eat healthily. It's fucking frustrating watching my thin husband wolf down chocolate, bakewell tarts, crisps, biscuits etc. while I am trying to spin out the consumption of a small apple. My husband thinks I look fine at any weight and can't understand my frustration, but he has never known the sheer physical discomfort of being fat. I'd give 10 years of my life for his metabolism.

CuriousSeal · 02/02/2021 20:52

I mean, it's rude to say directly to a person in the relationship but it is human nature to match up people with a similar build. I know couples where one person is over 6ft and the other is under 5ft and they get comments about looking 'odd'.

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 02/02/2021 20:53

@NuniaBeeswax

Jesus fucking Christ. If they're not shagging you then it's not your problem is it?
Who are you being so aggressive towards?
LunaHeather · 02/02/2021 20:55

OP

Ditch as much media as you can. No one needs to know this.