Screamed at by a man this morning- I can’t stop thinking about it

[OwlBeThere]

This morning I had to go and pick up prescriptions for myself, my mother, my sister and my daughter: 2 seperate pharmacies and I had limited time to do so. So I was flustered. I have a disability and as such have a blue badge, my mum also had one and for various reasons she and I share two cars.
I pulled up outside pharmacy 2 after already queuing for ages at pharmacy 1, put my badge on the dashboard and went to queue.
As I was walking a man wound down his window snd shouted ‘excuse me, are you disabled’ at me. I just looked at him said ‘yes’ and carried on walking.
As I came out of the pharmacy after collecting the prescriptions he had parked blocking me in and shouted at me ‘you’re not disabled, you should be ashamed’.
I was really embarrassed and I don’t cope well with men shouting at me, so I just said ‘I have a badge’ and tried to go around him to get into my car. Then he shoved his walking stick ON my car to block my way and said ‘that’s someone else’s badge’. I looked and I had accidentally put my mothers badge in the window. I said ‘oh I’m sorry I mixed them up, but mine is in the car’.
He was getting right up in my face and screaming that ‘kids’ like me should not be so entitled and all this stuff.
In the end another person came over and told to stop snd get back, covid rules etc.

I got in my car, and cried for about 15 mins, partly in shock and embarrassment and anger at myself for not sticking up for myself more/accidentally using the wrong badge.
I do look young, I’m forty, but my EDS that causes my disability means I have young looking skin etc and regularly get ID’d. But I also walk with an obvious limp.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is here, but I’m still turning over in my mind hours later whether his anger at my perceived lie was justified.

i have had a blue badge for a couple of years now. my old car was a sports car and i was often glared at in supermarket car parks and someone once tutted and said typical, blue badge in a sports car, cheating the system.

my current car is a brand new hybrid SUV, which i lease from the Motability scheme. because i don’t look like i could afford the car (i have pink hair and a lot of tattoos) i now get glared at by people assuming i don’t deserve a nice car.

and this is besides the glares from people assuming i’m not disabled because i look younger than i am. i ALWAYS use my crutch, even on good days, as it’s horrible to be on the receiving end of all this assumption and hatred.

i sometimes think people want to bring back the little blue invalid cars that were about when i was a child. you know, keep us in our place.

i despair of this world sometimes. i also have shit mental health and having people judging me is very hard to bear. the message i get is that a) i am a fraud and b) i don’t deserve nice things.

Sorry this has happened to you OP

I get this sort of behaviour all the time, i guess its the perks of being "young" and disabled.
ive been shove off a priority seat on the bus because one old man decided i should give up my seat even when someone else offered. I reported to police who said them seats are for disabled. I had to say im disabled to the officer who was judgey.
Similar things happen on the bus regularly.

Been shouted at many time for using disabled toilet.

So many confrontations about parking spaces. People take photos of my car. Like it will achieve anything. My car is adapted for disabled use which you can clearly see, but some people are just a-holes.

I just walk away now. or film the person. My advise is to do the same if you can. Always call the police if you feel in danger.

He is a toxic person and you have been unfortunate to have had a destructive encounter with him. In my own previous experience of a nasty encounter I had with someone I read this which helped me move on. "Draw deeply upon your dignity. Do not let your sense of self wilt". Take back your power. Forget him. His poor wife/children/work colleagues are stuck with him in their lives. Do not give him any more of your headspace.

Take comfort in the knowledge that he is clearly a very unhappy man to act this way. How empty his life must be to spend his time checking other people's disabled badges FFS. I genuinely couldn't be less interested in who parks where or when. And I pray that my life never becomes so empty and bitter that trivial shite like this becomes important to me.

First of all, this is not your fault. At all. He would not have done it to a man. You shouldn't have to do this, but get mentally and physically prepared for the next prick. Camera, notepad for registration plate, mace spray (I don't know if it's legal in the UK?), an airhorn or alarm in the car... I don't want this to sound like victim blaming, because it isn't my intention at all, but you need to be ready for the next time. Have a few responses at the ready. You cannot let these bastards grind you down. Call out for help! Make a big song and dance about it. Ultimately, you can't stop these pricks going around thinking they have power over you. Who cares what's going on his life? There's no excuse. Get ready for the next one and teach your daughter to be ready for them too.

@Calmandmeasured1

I appreciate lots of people have hidden disabilities but, if I thought you didn't look disabled and I checked your badge and found it wasn't yours, I would come to the conclusion that you were not disabled and cheating the system.

He was probably so fed up of people using disabled spaces when they aren't disabled and probably just lashed out angrily. I'd just let it go but be careful in future that you don't mix up badges. A traffic warden would give you a ticket for not displaying your valid badge (assuming it wasn't private land).

And if you saw a badge on my car, you'd be right - I'm not disabled and it's not even my badge. It's my partner's and he is disabled.

appalling:(
pull out your phone and film from a safe distance if you can!

I also have EDS... I live in Australia, and qualify for our version of a BB, but haven’t up until recently felt the need for one in my life. (Luckily more able than I “should” be for now, but I know it won’t last.) At the moments my thumbs and some fingers subluxate (partially dislocate), and so do my hips. I also have a deformed leg. (Not from EDS, but certainly doesn’t help it!) Like you, I have the “young” skin and people don’t believe I am my age either. Like you, I am pushing 50 and I have the “young” skin and people don’t believe I am my age either. This is not a humble brag, it’s actually one of the reasons I’m procrastinating about applying form the special considerations I need for this “Invisible Disabilities”. I don’t want to get yelled at by arseholes like this.

@Mrgrinch

Ew lose the attitude. Nobody cares if you type in caps.

That means nothing, hardly anyone looks the age they actually are. Also if she was walking out of the pharmacy she would have had on a face covering which makes it even more difficult to tell a person's age.

Why question the validity of a disabled person's experience just because its not something you've been in receipt of yourself?

Yet more disablist shite on Mumsnet

@DumplingsAndStew what's funny is that I've been in a practically identical situation, more than once. But I'm disablist? Laughable actually and perhaps even disablist in itself.

@Calmandmeasured1 I completely understand that he clearly thought I was taking the piss, I’ve had people challenge mr before and I get it to a point, I just think the sheer aggressiveness is what took me by surprise and upset me most. I won’t be taking it further. I don’t think there is anything to be gained and I know that technically I was in the wrong, and I accept that. Thank you for your comment, I think it has helped me figure out quite why it bothered me so much. I’m not generally a crier or one to dwell.

Thank you for all the kind comments. It has helped me feel better. As did a large gin.

For those asking, I threw it in the dash as my car has a very ‘deep’ dash so it was the ‘wrong’ way up. I suppose if this has taught me anything it’s to calm down, stop flapping and do things properly! Because you are quite right, had I displayed it properly he wouldn’t have had any reason to tell the way he did.

@Coolieloach he absolutely did scream at me. He was within a foot of my face blocking my path with his stick on my bumper, with a fence behind me calling me names. So much so a complete stranger felt the need to interject.
Nevertheless, I would agree that for me personally I do feel like my reaction was more extreme than it would usually be, probably because I was already flustered and in pain and then I felt trapped. I have a CEV child and parent and so someone that close to my face who wasn’t wearing a mask also probably contributed to my upset.

@Mrgrinch it was the wrong way up so my mothers photo was on show. She is 80, on my worst days I don’t look 80 I also have bright pink hair and tattoos so it clearly wasn’t me in the picture.

I am sorry this happened to you, it is awful and never ok to act like this. It sounds horrible, and you should not have had to put up with that - no wonder you were upset. I am not excusing this behaviour in the least but just to put forward an idea about why he started to react to you. You said he had a walking stick, and I wonder if he is frustrated at how many badges seem to be given out, or how many people misuse them? Both my parents have (had) them and we regularly cant find a disabled space because they are all full. I know not all disabilities are visible, but do think the scheme has been extended too far and should be focused on mobility issues (intermittent or not). When I was wrestling with mums wheelchair and supporting my step dad from the far side of the car park and someone strolled back to their car, it was hard not to get annoyed. Again though, I am so sorry this happened to you and hope you feel better soon.

It also doesnt help that when they extended the disabilities covered by the scheme they did not change the required number of spaces that need to be provided. So there is increasing demand for disabled spaces. Again though, no excuse and sorry this happened to you.

[quote OwlBeThere]@Mrgrinch it was the wrong way up so my mothers photo was on show. She is 80, on my worst days I don’t look 80 I also have bright pink hair and tattoos so it clearly wasn’t me in the picture.[/quote]
But your photo isn't on display on a blue badge.

I've got one. The instructions are very specific about what's on show and what's face down in the wallet.

The photo is there for checks by police, parking wardens, officials etc. They can ask to examine the badge, and would need to take it out of the car and the wallet and turn it over and compare it against your face. It's not possible to do it from outside the car.

@JaimeLeeCurtains

The OP said in the comment that you quoted that the card was upside down - i.e. the back of the card was facing outwards/upwards.

Mine's in the wallet it came in with the clock dial you have to use. Like a fold out wallet.

@JaimeLeeCurtains

Mine's in the wallet it came in with the clock dial you have to use. Like a fold out wallet.

But the OP's clearly isn't.

And the clock dial isn't universal across the UK.

OP I'd put everything back in the format it originally arrived in. Badge face down in the blue wallet, with the clock dial opposite.

I've recently had a woman stare right into the car I was in, staring at my legs to see what was wrong with me presumably, and why I was in a disabled space. I'm still trying to think of what the witty riposte should have been.

@SunsetSenora

I know not all disabilities are visible, but do think the scheme has been extended too far and should be focused on mobility issues (intermittent or not).

But the OP does have mobility issues

OP I'm so sorry.

I've had a few incidents in my life when men have really got in my face and shouted at me and scared me when I'd done nothing.

It's really unsettling, upsetting and confidence knocking.

In the end men like that are just arseholes on a power trip, often with a big dash of misogyny thrown in.

He wouldn't have done that to a massive bloke. He's just a bully.

I hope you can put it to one side but I know how hard it is especially when you're ill/disabled and things are tricky enough without the shit.

You poor thing. Horrible experience. I’d have been tempted to yell at him to stay back as ‘ I have COVID’.