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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Screamed at by a man this morning- I can’t stop thinking about it

204 replies

OwlBeThere · 01/02/2021 18:44

This morning I had to go and pick up prescriptions for myself, my mother, my sister and my daughter: 2 seperate pharmacies and I had limited time to do so. So I was flustered. I have a disability and as such have a blue badge, my mum also had one and for various reasons she and I share two cars.
I pulled up outside pharmacy 2 after already queuing for ages at pharmacy 1, put my badge on the dashboard and went to queue.
As I was walking a man wound down his window snd shouted ‘excuse me, are you disabled’ at me. I just looked at him said ‘yes’ and carried on walking.
As I came out of the pharmacy after collecting the prescriptions he had parked blocking me in and shouted at me ‘you’re not disabled, you should be ashamed’.
I was really embarrassed and I don’t cope well with men shouting at me, so I just said ‘I have a badge’ and tried to go around him to get into my car. Then he shoved his walking stick ON my car to block my way and said ‘that’s someone else’s badge’. I looked and I had accidentally put my mothers badge in the window. I said ‘oh I’m sorry I mixed them up, but mine is in the car’.
He was getting right up in my face and screaming that ‘kids’ like me should not be so entitled and all this stuff.
In the end another person came over and told to stop snd get back, covid rules etc.

I got in my car, and cried for about 15 mins, partly in shock and embarrassment and anger at myself for not sticking up for myself more/accidentally using the wrong badge.
I do look young, I’m forty, but my EDS that causes my disability means I have young looking skin etc and regularly get ID’d. But I also walk with an obvious limp.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is here, but I’m still turning over in my mind hours later whether his anger at my perceived lie was justified.

OP posts:
OwlBeThere · 01/02/2021 19:09

@Covidcorvid, yes it’s taken a long time for them to grant me one. EDS awareness is woeful even now, but when I was 18 you were a straight up liar because the only people with EDS anyone knew about were those unable to walk. It’s hard, but keep trying.

OP posts:
littlepattilou · 01/02/2021 19:09

@OwlBeThere Ewww what a horrible bastard. I have said this kind of thing before and I will say it again, no WAY would he have spoken to a man like that. Men like this never do.

He is a despicable creature and HE should be ashamed.

But please know that not all men are like this, in fact most people aren't. So don't be put off going out... Smile

I am so sorry you had to suffer this, and I hope you will feel OK soon. Flowers

For what it's worth, if this happens again, say NOTHING, just go into the shop/pharmacy and tell someone who works in there that you are being harassed and hounded and that you are frightened, and ask them to call the police.

Sending (((HUGS))) to you!

Imapotato · 01/02/2021 19:09

What an absolute arse! Even if you had been lying (which I know you weren’t) he had no right to go mental at you like that. I’d have made him wait while I got my badge out of the car and asked for an apology!

Cheersdickie · 01/02/2021 19:09

What an arsehole. Sorry this happened to you @OwlBeThere

Russell19 · 01/02/2021 19:10

Do not let this horrible man upset you like that. Life is too short to be upset by people who are nasty.

Move on and laugh at how pathetic he is.

DayBath · 01/02/2021 19:10

Ignore him, put it out of your mind, don't waste your mental energy on that utter prick. His disability must be 'Shouty Twat Syndrome'.

For a man to bully and shout is horrendous but using his stick to block you is a physical threat of force, he was wielding a weapon under the law and you would have every right to go to the police. The pharmacy may have CCTV if the police wish to pursue it.

Don't stress about how you handled it, we all think of clever comebacks after the event but very few of us can get over the shock quickly enough in the moment to say them. Every time the incident comes up in your brain just remind yourself of what an awful life he must have. Anger comes from pain, he must be in a pretty shitty place mentally to abuse a woman. Pity him, what a sad sad man.

VestaTilley · 01/02/2021 19:11

YANBU. He sounds horrible. Can you report him to police? Someone in the shop may have witnessed it or they may have CCTV. It’s not on to speak to you like that.

It’s very upsetting when you get shouted at for no reason- happened to me once on a train, totally unjustified, and I cried for days afterwards.

Calmandmeasured1 · 01/02/2021 19:12

I appreciate lots of people have hidden disabilities but, if I thought you didn't look disabled and I checked your badge and found it wasn't yours, I would come to the conclusion that you were not disabled and cheating the system.

He was probably so fed up of people using disabled spaces when they aren't disabled and probably just lashed out angrily. I'd just let it go but be careful in future that you don't mix up badges. A traffic warden would give you a ticket for not displaying your valid badge (assuming it wasn't private land).

Calmandmeasured1 · 01/02/2021 19:13

YANBU. He sounds horrible. Can you report him to police?
Report him for what? What crime has he committed?

Covidcorvid · 01/02/2021 19:13

[quote OwlBeThere]@Covidcorvid, yes it’s taken a long time for them to grant me one. EDS awareness is woeful even now, but when I was 18 you were a straight up liar because the only people with EDS anyone knew about were those unable to walk. It’s hard, but keep trying.[/quote]
Thanks. Really don’t know what else to do. I helped her fill out the lengthy form where amongst other things we detailed how long it takes her to walk the short distance to the corner shop, that she struggles to carry stuff because her fingers, etc dislocate if she carries shopping. We scanned all her diagnosis letters but she was turned down for “not providing any evidence”.

Do you think we need to ask the Gp to write a supportive letter? She mainly needs a blue badge to be allowed to park on campus at uni. Would make a massive difference.

Graciebobcat · 01/02/2021 19:13

I would just say "Smile - my dashcam just got all that."

Cissyandflora · 01/02/2021 19:13

I’m sorry to hear this. Hopefully you’ll feel better later. It helps getting it out sometimes. Don’t worry for a second more about this. He obviously has lots going on for him but that doesn’t mean he can take it out on you.

BaliB1 · 01/02/2021 19:15

I’m so sorry this happened to you, I’d have cried too so don’t feel silly for being upset the situation could easily have escalated. I’d call the police and ask the pharmacy if they have CCTV, they’ll be able to find out who he is from his number plate. I saw a programme about a man who punched someone in a car park in a very similar situation to yours, he killed him. It’s horrible that people can treat each other that way and it seems to be getting worse.

Graciebobcat · 01/02/2021 19:15

Also you can be giving someone a lift who is disabled, I used to drive my dad around when he had a blue badge.

Pinkfreesias · 01/02/2021 19:16

What a miserable git of a man. What a sad life he must lead.

Please don't let him upset you any further. I have a blue badge, too, and get upset if I see anyone obviously looking disapprovingly or commenting. It's such a rude thing to do and we just don't expect it, because we're decent people and wouldn't do that kind of thing.

ScrapThatThen · 01/02/2021 19:18

Imagine yourself stabbing him in the eye. Take the power back. He's a tiny irrelevance.

DumplingsAndStew · 01/02/2021 19:18

What a dickhead.

I regularly witness people coming close by my car (usually the older generations) to check my badge out, as if its not possible for someone in their 30s to hold a valid blue badge. Even if you had used the correct one, this guy would have been a douche. Take comfort in the fact that another bystander intervened as they knew he was a dickhead.

PlanBea · 01/02/2021 19:19

In so sorry to hear this has happened to you OP. I've got fibro/possible EDS, and recently got a blue badge about 15 months ago. I have a crutch which I need most of the time but even if I was doing something like just putting a letter in the postbox and getting back into the car I'd still use my crutch even if I didn't need it for that moment, just our of fear of a confrontation.

I have decided if someone accuses me of using someone else's badge I'd tell them to take a note of the badge number (which includes your year of birth) and to report it to the issuing council if they have any concerns. But that only would work if someone was being bitchy rather than screaming at me. I'm not looking forward to when I have my baby as I can't manage my crutch and a pram at the same time, so the crutch is having to go

AnneElliott · 01/02/2021 19:20

Sorry about your experience op. He was a knob and nasty one at that. And I agree with a pp that no way would he have abused a man like that.

My friend has a blue badge and I often get funny looks as I get out of the car. Normally they have the decency to look embarrassed when my friend swings her legs out of my car (her disability is then obvious) but as she's only just 50 you can't tell by just seeing her in my car.

One woman even stood in the disabled space and waved her arms at me like a windmill shouting 'it's a disabled space'. Hmm. God knows how she tells who's disabled by just seeing their head and shoulders.

ScrapThatThen · 01/02/2021 19:20

People like him engineer conflict because it makes them feel great. Until later when they realise how stupid and scary they have been and are full of remorse.

Graciebobcat · 01/02/2021 19:21

The Tories (and to a certain extent the last Labour government who started it all) aided and abetted by the tabloid press encouraged the public to think that disabled people are benefits scroungers. That started off twats like in the OP's example policing disabled parking spaces.

LizFlowers · 01/02/2021 19:23

You are not at all unreasonable and I sorry and upset that you were so rudely treated by that man. I'm glad someone came along and put a stop to it. It makes me feel ashamed that fellow human beings can behave like that and that some are so nosey! I wouldn't even think of looking at a blue badge or asking someone if they were disabled, what business is it of mine?

Please cheer up, I'm sure it won't happen again.

Flowers
BlankTimes · 01/02/2021 19:24

Firstly OP so sorry you have encountered such an unpleasant person.

I'm really concerned about this.
How could the old man have "checked" your badge OP?

If you'd displayed it correctly, the side with the photograph on it has to be hidden, it's always underneath.

No ordinary passer-by can decide a badge isn't yours if it's displayed correctly.

Do you have a case like a wallet that you keep your badge in, with the badge on one side showing the hologram and a lot of text, then the timer disc in the other side? If you do, then he cannot have seen the photo of your mother on it.

Someone posted here a long time ago to say there is a way of decoding the numbers displayed on the front to give male or female and date of birth details, but I doubt if it's common knowledge.

Pumpkinpied · 01/02/2021 19:25

Your year of birth is on the badge in the number. That’s how he knew it wasn’t yours, nothing to do with you being young.

HappygoesLucy · 01/02/2021 19:25

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, OP. It's so scary to be cornered like that and accused of something that horrible. I'm 22 and have an invisible chronic illness as well as invisible disabilities and because I can walk a short distance 'normally' (souped up on painkillers and anti-inflammatories with a TENs machine zapping me) I get shouted at for using disabled parking spaces, loos etc. It makes me feel like a fraud and I end up doubting my own needs!

I have found in recent years that younger people are more sensitive about it and I've only ever had problems with older people. That may just be my experience but I do wonder if there's still an age barrier of education in society.

I hope it doesn't happen to you again, but if it does, know it's not your fault, you're valid and only you and those who matter know that you're a good person. Be grateful you're not some elderly bloke who gets his kicks out of abusing disabled people! You'll always be better than him. Hope you're okay Flowers