To tell you Covid has made me realise I'm a bad mother.

[Shamelessnamechange9]

I've never been the maternal type or a natural with kids.
I dont know how to interact or play with then like some people can. I just dont have the nack like others do.
However when my son was born 3 years ago, I was full of joy. I was totally fine when he was a baby when he couldn't talk.
Then we he to got to 1 year old, I would take him everywhere. Every group, every soft play, every play date, I was there. At the time I thought I was doing it for his development (which it was in a way) but now I realise it was not to leave me on my own with him and it was to occupy him.

Then Corona comes along. No playgroups, no play dates, no soft play, no parks as weather is rubbish.
So it's me and my boisterous 3 year old and I have never felt as inadequate, guilty and ashamed in my whole life.
He looks at me and wants me to play with his dinosaurs, trucks, play fight, lego, chasies- and i can for 5 minutes then I'll tell myself I'll need to do some house work or this needs to be done.
I'm ashamed to say I go on my phone alot around him, trailing through mumsnet, online shopping cos I'll tell myself I need to get this.
A few times he has took it off me and tells me to get off it and hides it. And I do. Then 10 minutes later I'm on it again.

Truth is, I just find it boring. I'd rather do house work or be on my phone and play with my son. I know I'm depressed with lockdown and have a phone appointment in a week or so.

Has anyone else had anything similar? Or am I just the worst mother in the world?

Definitely not a bad mother.

I think many of us who didn't struggle with the lockdown in March 20 are struggling now. My friends with younger kids who did full on homeschooling plus playtime plus outdoor walks are struggling now. I don't get bored, way too much to do that I enjoy, but my motivation to do any of them has been so deep in sub-zero territory that I can only describe this as boredom. The mind numbing, soul destroying tediousness of this lockdown is getting to me. And everyone I know.

So, YANBU. Not at all.

I was a SAHM for 14 years and that age was a huge challenge. At 3, humans are at peak energy levels, so if you're not burning that off, you're going to struggle. I have three boys and I learned the hard way that they needed exercise. So no matter the weather, I forced myself to take them outside. For me that was harder than indoor play - I've always preferred to stay in.

Structure was not only useful, but it was the only way I managed to get anything done. After lunch, my kids all napped. If they didn't want to sleep, they had quiet time in their (childproofed) rooms. Many days I needed that quiet time far more than them.

The one thing I would say about playing with your toddler, is that playing well is a skill children need to learn like anything else. The time you invest in playing with them early on you get back later. Massively. The time you let them play by themselves early on you also benefit from. I had lots of friends who did neither, or one but not the other. And in later years, when mine happily played for hours by themselves, their kids just couldn't entertain themselves - they always needed attention. They either didn't learn how to focus on a game, so nothing appealed to them for long enough or they didn't learn how to do so by themselves.

I discovered this by accident - I felt less guilty if I had played with my kids for two sessions a day (sometimes one or three, but before and after lunch was the norm for us). Plus lots of attention at bath and bedtime.

The play sessions were usually 20 to 30 minutes intense play and then I would leave them to it. I told them I was busy and we'd play again after lunch/at bath time etc. By the time you fit in a trip outdoors, two play sessions and bath and bedtime, that's plenty of attention. It also helps break up the day and kids, at least my kids, thrive on schedules.

As for your phone use. That's really hard right now. We are social animals and right now the phone is one of the few ways we can keep in touch. It's not like we can go out and meet up in a lockdown. If you can, I would follow some of the other excellent suggestions to make it harder for yourself to access certain apps, or to schedule a phone free time.

But you are not a terrible mother. Forgive yourself.

OP my kids are 6 and 10 I can't remember even playing with them as small kids. Because it's boring and I hated it. We went to playgrounds, play groups, friends houses, baby classes, literally ANYWHERE.

The kids are fine. They love me. They know how to play. Some of us aren't cut out for small kids. My ten year old is a joy now, we can play proper board games, watch the same TV, go for walks, enjoy the theatre etc etc.

Drop the guilt!

Could you have a podcast, audio book or the radio on as ambient noise around you at home while playing with your son or getting jobs done, to entertain you and feel like some adult company?

I also really struggle with Lego, dinosaurs, cars etc, I hate playing those!!! But I’m trying to focus on my strengths, I like reading to him, doing jigsaws, flash cards things that seems constructive to me 🙈 I’m on my phone a lot too. And also got mum guilt. Big hugs x

This playing with 3 year olds that mums are supposed to do is a modern invention. I went to work 3 1/2 days a week and outsourced it to nursery and doting grandparents. My mum was a SAHP and I was an only child until I was 7. I remember lots of bored hours playing alone and waiting for The Magic Roundabout/Ivor the Engine/Mr Ben to come on for 5 minutes a day. I was well fed, clothed, loved and taken to playgroups but when at home my mum was busy doing housewife stuff (worked as a cleaner when I was at 'playgroup'). My own mum was sent out to play with her older siblings from the age of 3. Give your self a break.

I’m so glad you started this thread OP as it’s something I really have grappled with over the years. I think the guilt stems from the fact that there is a lot of down time when you’re at home with small children and the guilt creeps in when you don’t use that downtime to play with your children. Things like cooking, cleaning and general housework don’t take up much of the day thanks to modern conveniences. A few generations ago all that stuff would have taken up most of the day and your children would have to entertain themselves while you did it all. There’d (probably) be less guilt about not playing with your children as you’d be hard at work.

When I was at home with toddler, the thing that kept me sane was actually getting ds to do stuff with me as opposed to playing with his toys etc.
Yes we did that but getting him to help me with housework etc - obviously he slowed me down massively but it was much better than playing play mobile for hours on end 😂
He loved washing up, making sandwiches at a little table, helping with washing etc. It filled the day, kept me sane. We also went out once a day in all weathers, he had decent clothing for mucking about in puddles and mud etc.

I take people's point about not playing with them the whole day, but what are we meant to do with an only child who won't play on their own?

OMG I could write it. So to get through the day. I probably have way too many toys that I enjoy playing (like Quadrilla Hape or games recommend up to 99 years old). These are a bit too advanced for my 2 year old but as I intact with her it is easier. Orchard games are dead boring. Try to play 10 times in the row one of this games and you have enough. Generally, I enjoyed one year old better as we were able to get about a lot.

I have a phone appointment with the GP on wednesday too to try address my crippling post natal depression (I have a 3 month old) and the insane guilt that lockdown has created in me. Nothing I do with my 2 year old feels good enough. She is so bored. I have blamed everything about her, like tantrums, failing to reach developmental milestones, shyness, on my failings as a mother. Everytime I turn on the tv I feel like crying because I feel like an utter failure. You are 100% not the worst mother. Many of us feel the same.

I’m sorry OP. I had PND when my DS was born. It is crippling. I wasn’t trying to get at you- just making a wider point about phone use and responsiveness to DC.

If you’re ill tell your GP - they may be able to prescribe something or get you online talking therapy, or both.

You’re obviously not a bad mother- a bad mother wouldn’t be on Mumsnet questioning themselves!

I find phone use makes my mental health far worse. This is a difficult time, but don’t despair. Lockdown will end, and your little one will still love farms and zoos and beaches when it does- that doesn’t end at age 3!

Is he on the waiting list for a nursery? That’s good that he can get the free hours in April, that will come round more quickly than you think.

Do try and do a walk each day, it’ll help your mental health and can use an hour of your day that then gives you something to talk about/draw pictures of for the rest of the afternoon. Reading stories to him while he plays is another good way round it too. Sounds great about putting the phone away. I hope it all works out.

Totally normal and remember that all this playing with your kids shit is a new thing and just a way a new way to guilt trip women. My mother and grandmother never played toys on the floor with me- we were sent out the back to play while they cleaned etc. Children should play with other children. A story and a bit of colouring maybe. When my gran looked after us I remember sitting on her lap while she chain smoked, I scoffed sweets and she shouted at the Spaghetti Westerns on the tv- happy days. Yes, sometimes we were bored- I remember sitting in the back garden picking bits of grass or scraping patterns in the mud but a little bit of boredom is ok. Just think how over stimulated todays children are.

@WednesdayalltheWay

I take people's point about not playing with them the whole day, but what are we meant to do with an only child who won't play on their own?

Set yourself a routine and chunk the day down. Have a time slot for going out. Get them to help you with stuff around the house. We used to get up with DH, get ready while DH was home. Try and be out of the house before 10am. Go for a walk, even if just around the streets, get home, lunch, nap/a bit of TV. Housework with ds “helping”, play with him, maybe go out for another walk, home, dinner, bath time bed.

They do get a bit better at playing on their own though the more you do it. Like sleep training or some such. You always have to start them off though. If you watch them at nursery they are generally engaged playing with the farm set up or the kitchen set up and dont interact with the adults a lot, you could say that they are playing with other children but often they are playing alongside and not with them.

This thread is bringing back the horror of setting up massive marble runs that then took over the living room.

Its true about our mums not playing with us - she used to take me to the library every day instead.

Thank you for posting. I feel the exact same, today is a bad day.

You are not alone 💐

I’m with you. I hate it. Cant wait for her to go back to nursery.

Sometimes I can get the 3yo to “play” with granny over the phone, showing all the toys and talking about them. Or granny will ask her to find stuff or tell her a story. Would this work for you? Just having another adult to play with them briefly makes such a difference.

Dont feel guilty. What youre feeling is I think common amongst parents of single children ( certainly was when my eldest was my only iyswim) ie they are 100% dependent on you for interaction, entertainment, socialising. As well as everything else. And by god it can be draining. There are a million and more ways to be a good parent. I don't think anyone's got them all nailed.

Parenting a toddler can be hard, giving them an iPad because you're "no good" will only cause issues in the long run. Yes, the pandemic is crap and we all have crap days but TV, iPads, phones screen time are just creating problems for children. My mum didn't't run around playing games with me all day, didn't even have a TV, guess we just found things to do.

You really so sound like you could benefit from an assessment of your mental health, glad you are getting it. Illness in itself can make you think guilty thoughts like this, even if they are not true at all. I would also advice contacting your health visitor and asking for advice, this is exactly what they are there for.

I'm assuming your son is recently 3 if you haven't got your free hours yet? My son is going to be 4 in June and he just started playing on his own for significant chunks of time in the last few weeks. It's helped me enormously. Hopefully your son will also start playing alone a bit more. I tend to say "I'm just going to do X, I'll be back in a moment." And then I can unload the dishwasher/check my phone/etc. I also read when he's happily occupied playing but this has only got easier recently.

I've discovered the things he does independently for the longest are things like...

• scooping, pouring, making pretend cakes, etc, with things like beans or rice (he will happily vacuum after too) - this is my go-to

• making potions in the sink (saucepan, crushed up cheap soluble vitamin C tablets off Amazon, glitter, powder paint)

• playing with any kind of junk, eg smashing up cardboard boxes with a hammer, building with packing materials etc, again if it's messy we just vacuum together after

He sometimes sits and plays alone with Lego but not as reliably. I know he's "in the zone" when he starts humming or singing to himself! I'm sure your son will reveal what he likes to do independently soon.

My son is off nursery right now because there's a Covid case in his bubble. I felt so daunted this morning thinking about 5 whole days of parenting at home! It's not easy, and I'm sure you're doing just fine

I definitely rely on activities outside the home to occupy my toddler & help me interact & play with him - obviously none of these aren't available at the moment!

I feel terrible as I leave my toddler to his own devices so much, he also has a speech delay, and I don't use enough of the strategies to help him we've been given, I'm just exhausted by it all & failing him. You are not alone!

OP, you've just described most people's childhood from the 80's and beyond, we all turned out ok! I hope you feel better after the positive responses you've had on here.

@Shamelessnamechange9

Thanks I just felt awful the other day when he took my phone off me. But I'm literally brain dead being in the house with him all the time. I am really finding it hard.

Don't worry too much, mine has done that too and hidden it - maybe a few times actually 🥴.

Now I am mindful of how long I'm on my phone and when he talks to me I make sure I put it down and look at him when he's talking.

Playing can be so boring. But there are things you can do which are fun. Things that you also find interesting. You've just got to search for them. Teaching him how to play Lego.

You could learn something to teach him and to keep you occupied. Phonic games? Teaching him numbers. It will keep you occupied and make you feel better that you're doing something with him.

This is what I'm doing at the moment as I'm so bored and fed up.

Keep giving him cuddles too. That's so important.

Oh and what about getting out to your local National Trust. Being outside makes you feel so much better and he can get rid of some energy and feel free x