To tell you Covid has made me realise I'm a bad mother.

[Shamelessnamechange9]

I've never been the maternal type or a natural with kids.
I dont know how to interact or play with then like some people can. I just dont have the nack like others do.
However when my son was born 3 years ago, I was full of joy. I was totally fine when he was a baby when he couldn't talk.
Then we he to got to 1 year old, I would take him everywhere. Every group, every soft play, every play date, I was there. At the time I thought I was doing it for his development (which it was in a way) but now I realise it was not to leave me on my own with him and it was to occupy him.

Then Corona comes along. No playgroups, no play dates, no soft play, no parks as weather is rubbish.
So it's me and my boisterous 3 year old and I have never felt as inadequate, guilty and ashamed in my whole life.
He looks at me and wants me to play with his dinosaurs, trucks, play fight, lego, chasies- and i can for 5 minutes then I'll tell myself I'll need to do some house work or this needs to be done.
I'm ashamed to say I go on my phone alot around him, trailing through mumsnet, online shopping cos I'll tell myself I need to get this.
A few times he has took it off me and tells me to get off it and hides it. And I do. Then 10 minutes later I'm on it again.

Truth is, I just find it boring. I'd rather do house work or be on my phone and play with my son. I know I'm depressed with lockdown and have a phone appointment in a week or so.

Has anyone else had anything similar? Or am I just the worst mother in the world?

@Hardbackwriter @Edgeoftheledge what do you want me to do? Lie and say it’s ok that she ignores her child and sits on her phone, which obviously affects him?

I am sick of this lazy “it’s ok hun, we’re in a pandemic, let your parenting go to the wall” attitude.

I’ve just had Covid. Me and DH self isolated with our 21 month old with no help for a fortnight. It was really hard. But you know what? We got on with it. We sat on the floor and played with our child every minute that he was awake- we had lots of tv time too - but we watched it with him and didn’t have our phones out. He’s now back at nursery while I’m still off sick (no longer contagious). I’m not prepared to let my son be damaged because I’m ill or because we can’t go to farm parks or soft play. All you have to do is get on the floor and play. It really isn’t that hard.

The same parents who stick their children in front of iPads and ignore them while they’re on their phones are the same ones who’ll be wondering in a decades time why their children are behind, or don’t have great vocabularies. One of my nephews is 4- he still has a dummy and I’d always stuck on an iPad. Surprise surprise, his language skills are dire.

I’m actually trying to help the OP- and she and her DS will be helped far more by the truth than all the “it’s fine hun, you do you” claptrap everyone else is spouting.

Your not a bad mum at all @Shamelessnamechange9
Your little one is so lucky to have you and children are so resilient, every day they are learning even during a pandemic.

And actually @Januaryblue2020 I’d gladly tell any man that he shouldn’t have his phone out and should play with his child.

The OP just called herself a terrible mother! I think it's that in a pandemic, on her own with a small child, in the middle of winter, to be pretty disheartened and fed up is a fairly natural response. And that she isn't a terrible mother. And her kid will be just fine.
I love it when we can be honest about motherhood. There's so much crap and lies and feeling guilty (mostly from mother's). It's nice just to support other mums once in a while

VestaTilley I didn’t see anywhere where OP said she refuses to play with her son at all.

If you have the enthusiasm to play with your DC “every minute that he was awake” then you have more stamina than most of us, well done, you sound like a lovely DM. Personally I feel that a child who has undivided attention constantly and doesn’t have to experience boredom or learn to entertain themselves or that they aren’t the centre of the universe may have trouble with these things later in life. I wouldn’t suggest that you are “damaging” your child though. That would be unfair and not very nice.

I don’t think anyone has replied that it is absolutely fine to stick your child in front of the TV, be on your phone 24/7, ignore them and refuse to ever play. There’s been suggestions to reduce phone use, ideas of ways to fill the time, tips for making playing more bearable. There’s also been reassurance that OP is not alone in how she’s feeling and it’s just generally been a lovely supportive thread.

I’m sure you are trying to help the OP as you said, but surely you can see that posting under a title “I’ve realised I’m a bad mother” that you think what she is doing is sad and damaging to her DC doesn’t come across as all that helpful?

@VestaTilley

When my children were 21 months old, I would (and did, to my shame, on MN) judge parents who sent their 21-month-old children to nursery.

Mine were all at home with me until they went to school at 5. I loved playing with them.

However, if I have learned one thing from 20-odd years of being a parent, it's that kicking another parent when they are down isn't on.

The OP knows that what she's doing isn't great. However, the situation we are all in in is completely shit. What the OP is doing - while not ideal - may be making the difference between her being able to get out of bed and not get out of bed at all. The very fact that she's posting on here means that she cares enough to be bothered.

There might be ways to help/advise that aren't 'hunnish', but also don't involve making her feel even worse.

OP toddlers are draining, mine are now teenagers but it's a relentless slog at 2/3/4 - terrible twos, twatting threes and fucking fours. Mine seemed to demand attention all the time, even watching tv they'd need cuddling, which is lovely but sometimes you just want to be on your own.

I agree to a more structured day, if nothing else it will help your sanity.

I have boys and they would never sit and colour in for more than 2 minutes. I looked after my nieces twice a week and the difference was amazing they'd sit for hours.

They now never leave their computers but that's another thread

I think the worst bit (other than having to pretend to be a unicorn princess or a kind helicopter or whatever, that shit is excruciating) is fighting with the expectation that you should enjoy it if you're to be a good mum. I just see that as gaslighting by the patriarchy if I'm honest. Trying to make sure that we all pretend to like it so we're not able to effectively negotiate with our partners or organise politically to not get left with all the childcare. Thank god for mumsnet.

You're very normal OP, don't be too hard on yourself. Parents find different stages easier/harder. And many/most parents are finding lockdown difficult.
I would suggest googling activities, there are lots of suggestions out there, see if there are any you find more enjoyable.
Second, perhaps make a schedule for each day, imagine how a nursery schedules its day - break it up into different activities, art/craft, meals, snack times, quiet times, a walk etc that might help move the day along for you, and give you time limits so things don't seem endless. Good luck OP, you're not alone.

Something that helps me not look at my phone too much is to think of my DC as teenagers and how upset I’ll be if they won’t talk to me or engage with me as they are just glued to their phones. If model that kind of behaviour now when they’re little then I have to expect to get it coming back to bite me in a few years. I do look at my phone, of course I do, I’m not perfect, but I really limit it and wait until they are engaged in something and don’t need me for anything. These moments are few and far between!

My mother told me her one regret was not playing with her children more and cleaning instead. I actually think it is just incredibly boring playing with small children! We aren't supposed to! We are supposed to be present and wipe noses, put plasters on knees etc, comfort, teach a little but play... arrrggghhhh!

@lucyposting

My mother told me her one regret was not playing with her children more and cleaning instead. I actually think it is just incredibly boring playing with small children! We aren't supposed to! We are supposed to be present and wipe noses, put plasters on knees etc, comfort, teach a little but play... arrrggghhhh!

Perhaps your mother feels she over did it on the cleaning or got the balance wrong but I always maintain that cooking, cleaning, running a good home are also acts of service and yes, love. It is about creating the background conditions in which children thrive and feel secure and cared for. I was once in a stay at home parents house which was a total shit tip and she said quite smugly 'I didn't stay at home with my children to do housework'. Crafts, play all that are part of life but so too is watching dirty pots and changing beds

Better again if you wash the pots and not just watch them

@Tianatiers

Something that helps me not look at my phone too much is to think of my DC as teenagers and how upset I’ll be if they won’t talk to me or engage with me as they are just glued to their phones. If model that kind of behaviour now when they’re little then I have to expect to get it coming back to bite me in a few years. I do look at my phone, of course I do, I’m not perfect, but I really limit it and wait until they are engaged in something and don’t need me for anything. These moments are few and far between!

Given how many teenagers and adults there are who are glued to their smartphones despite them not existing when they were children, I think there's a high chance you'll be disappointed if you expect that you'll have cracked their behaviour as teens by what you do when they're toddlers...

Juniperandrage

“no one person can be good at everything it takes to raise a happy healthy child.”

That is the wisest and most freeing thing I’ve read since getting pregnant. Thank you!

My DS is 15 months so too young for most of the suggestions on here. I swear the poor wee thing must think my phone is an extension of my arm. I do try and engage in playing with him but there’s only so many times I can watch him stack cups. I don’t know what to do.

When I was a child I think people did barely anything with their kids like they do these days.

I put my lads in nurseries and took them to soft play etc but I wasn’t that good at playing. I play video games with them now though! I do understand how guilty you feel though. Small children are pretty boring I think.

My maximum playing time is 45 minutes, then I need a break. It's not easy, but really I would be ashamed if my child took my phone away from me too. He is allowed screen time so I look then. I hate to see children looking bored while their parent stares at their phones.

You won't be the only one don't worry. I think to myself every day "thank god my kids are grown up" because there's no way I'd have coped with having them home 24/7 and bloody home schooling.

I went to every single mum and toddler group going, five days a week, just so they had other kids to play with and I could have adult company. And do you know what? They turned out just great!

To be honest, I was also bored by playing dinosaurs, or cars, or barbies, but I still joined in and pretended to be interested. I also tried to do things that I enjoyed with them, like arty stuff, and baking. I also got them involved with chores, things like dusting and sorting laundry! So if there are things you don't mind so much, maybe just do a bit more of that, and don't beat yourself up too much.

You are not a bad Mother. I feel very similar to as you explain. I always struggled with playing and interacting with my two. They’ve always been cared & provided for, fed and clean but struggled with the playing and the interacting. They have turned into 2 very happy healthy children!

Totally agree @hardbackwriter it's just something I tell myself to stop me modelling that sort of behaviour. It likely won't make any difference but I will have every right to pick them up on the behaviour if I haven't been doing the same to them for as long as they can remember.

Yanbu. It is boring for everyone. Toddler stuff is pretty boring, one reason I stopped at one.
I used to play hide and seek and count to 50. I got a pop up tent and loads of balls to make a ball pit at home. We used to chuck stuff at each other.
I'd cover the table with plastic covering and put an apron on her and give her food colour or paint. Play doh I'd sit and make trays of sweets with her.
Picture frames out of lolly sticks, glitter etc.
I'd let her decorate biscuits and help make crispy cakes.
I'd make jumps and ramps for her pull back cars and race with her.
We had scalectrix too.
She'd play with her dolls on her own and look at books. I'd read to her.
Actually, all that makes it sound almost enjoyable 🤔

This is normal op. Perhaps give him your full attention twice a day for 20 mins when you're sat on floor playing w toys etc. The rest is fine.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I loved having young children but I can't do imaginative play at all. I can engage a small child with what I'm doing a lot better. So, we'd clean and bake together. Walks etc we loved. There is nothing wrong with watching some educational TV and some movies either. Please be kinder to yourself. We are in a pandemic, you are parenting a small child through something hardly any other parents in the UK have done. You are being amazing.

It's good to know I'm not alone but also bad to know that others feel the same way.
These lockdowns have stripped away any joy and when your sat in on your own with a toddler, reality comes and bites you in the arse.

@VestaTilley thanks for stating the obvious. I know I should be off my phone but my mental health is suffering. I use it for escapism. I'm looking up shit on the internet i dont need cos it's better to me than not knowing what to say to my son. I know this is wrong and that's why I started this thread.

I may well regret it later but I dont think me being on my phone is stripping away my sons childhood- lockdowns are.
I feel like many other mums that we have wasted precious years with our children. My son will not be excited for farms, zoos, the beach and outdoors forever. While his this age is the best age to explore the world - and were stuck in the house or have a rainy walk for an hour.

It really is shit. I am going to try and keep off my phone and hide it for an hour at at a time.

And I dont get 30 hours til April