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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a pat on the back RE weight loss - sad about DH's reaction

340 replies

FluffyBlueJumper · 01/02/2021 07:50

Since mid-October I have lost a lot of weight (over 4 stone). I have gone from a size 18 to an 8-10.
DH has not said a thing, so yesterday I playfully asked him to feel my back, because all the padding has gone.
The only thing he said was "Ew, your skin has changed, it is like old lady's skin". (FYI I am 39 and there is no loose skin hanging off my body).

I am feeling crushed. It has made me realise that I cannot even remember the last time he complimented me. It is always little digs, little put downs.

Can you please tell me I have done great? Wink

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/02/2021 17:55

Well done you!!!

Now you've acknowledged your H is nasty and abusive use your obsessive personality to get your ducks in a row and ditch him!

Thanks
Birdsofafeather17 · 01/02/2021 18:16

Wow thank you for that. You have literally described what I do. Even down to the biscuits. I feel like what's stopping me is excuses such as I'll do it next year or in the summer etc. I realise there is never going to be an ideal time. I just procrastinate. But yeah I totally get the part about not wanting to look back and think 'at least those biscuits tasted good'.

skeenskeenjellybean · 01/02/2021 18:23

Oh my goodness you really are stunning. You look like a young Catherine McCormack. Congratulations on your weight loss and well done on all your hard work. You should feel so absolutely proud of yourself. That's just awful what your husband said. It's one of those comments that reveals everything about a person really: the selfishness; the lack of kindness and warmth. Just horrible. I suspect this might be one of those turning point moments you look back on in a couple of years time thinking, "that' was when I knew".

Original poster
FluffyBlueJumper · 01/02/2021 18:25

@Birdsofafeather17 I agree there is never an ideal time. There will always be a celebration meal, or a box of chocolates to finish. So the only time to start is now. Not tomorrow in the morning, now.
At the beginning I often asked myself "if I was a size 10 would I eat this?". It helped fight the "I am fat anyway, might as well eat the cake" way of thinking.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/02/2021 18:29

You’ve done great 👍
Twat probably thinks you will run off and leave him ?

HumourReplacementTherapy · 01/02/2021 18:30

Wow! Well done @FluffyBlueJumper
You look amazing!!
As for your not so 'DH' well, you deserve to be with someone who loves you, celebrates your success and is your biggest fan. He has a choice in how he treats you you know. He chooses to treat you this way. How horrible is that?

HumourReplacementTherapy · 01/02/2021 18:31

@Thisisworsethananticpated

You’ve done great 👍 Twat probably thinks you will run off and leave him ?
Fingers crossed. That's the only thing he'll be right about!
Hopeisnotastrategy · 01/02/2021 18:40

You have done incredibly well, be very,very proud. With that kind of willpower, who knows what else you could achieve? 🏆

InFiveMins · 01/02/2021 18:47

You have done amazing - I'm very envious and wish I had a shred of your determination Smile Your partner sounds like a dick and sounds like he's jealous that you look so good.

Birdsofafeather17 · 01/02/2021 18:48

That's so true. Well congrats again. As for your husband I think he needs to accept this is the new you. It's good for your health, fitness, and general day to day life. Even simple things are easier when you are no longer overweight. You have inspired me!

wonble · 01/02/2021 18:59

I'm going to use this for inspiration!

IEat · 01/02/2021 19:23

Maybe he doesn’t know how to reply. we all do that thing where we expect a certain answer using certain words and we get hurt when the person doesn’t say the words.

BohemianDream · 01/02/2021 19:28

You look absolutely fantastic OP.
Well done indeed.

MistleTOEboughski · 01/02/2021 19:38

Maybe he doesn’t know how to reply. we all do that thing where we expect a certain answer using certain words and we get hurt when the person doesn’t say the words.
Fair enough but I think everyone would know You've got old woman skin now isn't going to go down well.

Alrassan · 01/02/2021 19:38

Not only do you look fantastic and should be so proud of yourself but you also look so much younger than your age.
You don't need to be validated by mean spirited people.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 01/02/2021 19:48

You have done amazingly - well done!

The only bit of useless loose skin that you need to deal with is your DH, imo. He's a nasty dick.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 01/02/2021 19:58

Wow, congratulations, you have given me inspiration

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 01/02/2021 19:59

@FluffyBlueJumper

He is indeed from "another culture" (he is an Atheist, so it is not about religion).

He did not treat me better when I was bigger. He does not like curvier women. He used to mention "slim women" a lot when I was fatter. Obviously this has stopped now.

I am actually getting a bit angry now. I guess I have lots of thinking to do about the bigger picture, not this single nasty comment.

It seems to me that he likes having a stick to beat you with - that's why he used to make comments about slim women, because it was an easy way to make you feel small.

You losing weight means he lost his stick, so now he looking for a new way to undermine and belittle you. He's abusive.

ilovespinach · 01/02/2021 20:07

You've done really well. It's sad your DH can't say anything nice.

FWIW I've lost just over 3 stone over the last 6months and my DH is very complimentary. Could your Dh be jealous?

CrikeyPeg · 01/02/2021 20:21

Wow Fluffy you look fab! Your Hi s a bit an arse.

FlatEarthling · 01/02/2021 20:35

You look brilliant OP. And inspirational to this dieter!

If you haven't had enough compliments, you also don't look your age.

Havlerr · 01/02/2021 23:22

I’ve gone through all your comments on this thread and with each one that you mentioned your H he sounded worse and worse. You have done an amazing job loosing so much weight and even more impressive is the willpower. Well done you! I highly recommend you reassess your relationship though. Similarly to thinking ‘is this what I want to teach DC’ re food, maybe you can consider ‘is this what I want to teach DC about what a relationship should be?’ Once again, you’ve done amazing Grin

austenwildfell · 02/02/2021 10:07

Good Morning @FluffyBlueJumper (no comments here about H)
How are you feeling about the feedback you received yesterday? You must be pleased and proud of your achievements? Enjoy the recognition..
Is it too soon to be thinking what next?
You have worked hard and diligently, might you apply that same will power and tenacity to another project?
Learning or career development for instance.

Original poster
FluffyBlueJumper · 02/02/2021 10:45

Hi @austenwildfell! This thread really cheered me up - I guess I am vain enough to need other people's validation.
I am thinking about the relationship, but I need time.

As for the next project, I think I need a lot more time to work on my weight and food issues - this is only the beginning, maintenance is going to be as difficult as the weight loss.

But I definitely need to do something. I have spent my whole adult life thinking I was a useless, lazy, fat blob, and it is dawning on me that I am actually a smart, determined woman.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 02/02/2021 11:32

Maybe you should think about his food, and what you can find under the sink to add to it.... 😡🤬😡