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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not accept these demands?

359 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 31/01/2021 15:19

AIBU?

MiL and FiL have offered to form a childcare bubble with us, so long as they have had both covid jabs, in order to look after DD aged 3 when I go into hospital to have her sibling in a few months time. A very kind offer.

But today we've woken up to a string of requests of how they intend to do this. 1) they cannot stay in our spare room as the (standard sized) double bed is too small for both of them and will need to use our own bedroom along with the spare so they each have a bed. MiL is approx a size 10 and FiL is underweight so they're not big people needing a lot of sleeping space, i would think. We have a house with only 1 spare (guest) room. Why can't they share? I'd really rather not have one of them sleep in my bed, not least at it'll mean DH (6ft 2, large build) sleeping on the sofa if he returns from hospital late evening/during the night. Plus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby. 2) alternatively they will have DD at their house but will not be able to take her to preschool on the 3 days a week she normally attends as its "too far to drive" (30 min drive from their house, 2 min from ours). We are reluctant to change her routine as she is about to have a huge upheaval with an new baby, and she loves and feels secure at preschool. Plus its open 7.30am to 6.30pm so would give MiL and FiL a days break from parenting her, if I were to be in hospital on a preschool day. Plus we have a cat that we would ask them to feed, enroute to preschool 2x a day, but they wouldn't be able to if they were at their house and unwilling to make the journey to and from preschool 3) they would like us to ensure there are meals prepared for them in the fridge to simply heat up. Obviously we will do our best to ensure everything they need is there but I can't help thinking meals in the fridge is a bit excessive?! I've no idea when I will go into labour so am unable to prepare things "just incase". Can't they cook or get a takeaway? Obviously I will leave meals prepared for DD as we have a supply of those always in the freezer, but to do the same for my inlaws is surely a bit much, considering we will need as much freezer space for our own batch cooked meals so that I dont have to cook every night when I've just given birth?!

Is this unreasonable?! Or am I being unreasonable?!

Our alternative is my parents, who are desperate to help out, but won't have had a second covid jab by due date and I'm reluctant to put them at unnecessary risk. MiL and FiL have their second jab booked 3 weeks before due date, so the risk to them from DD and us will be minimal. Our next alternative is me having the baby in hospital alone and DH staying at home to look after DD. Which sounds less hassle than having my PiL atm!

OP posts:
Luckyelephant1 · 31/01/2021 16:20

Sorry have I missed something... you say you only have one spare bedroom and they are expecting to use yours and the spare. DH will be sleeping on sofa but where on earth are you and new baby going to be sleeping???

They sound totally selfish and expecting it to be a holiday rather than them helping out. Surely the point of anyone moving in during/after birth is so they can help share workload including cooking etc... otherwise why offer!

I'd send your DD to them if they do actually want to help, missing a few days of preschool will not do her much harm.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 31/01/2021 16:21

Do you think they're being purposely difficult in hope you decline?

My ex MIL was super keen to help when I had DS2 but that morning declared she wouldn't be coming over unless the house was deep cleaned and we did a full shop for her and her 2 teenagers. She was really nasty about it so in the end I went it alone and we went NC.

Good luck with the birth OP, I hope it's stress free.

radioband · 31/01/2021 16:22

I’m not sure if I’m missing the point here but surely your DH will not be with you in hospital for days and you only need someone to look after your DD whilst you’re in labour if everything goes well? I was in and out the same day and my DH did all the running around etc.

Quit4me · 31/01/2021 16:23

@Aquamarine1029

Bit confused. Your dh only needs be there for birth 1 day. He can watch his child then?

I'm wondering the same. If your husband is home with you, what so you need your parents or in-laws for?

Op has said she had a 72 hr traumatic labour last time so she is worried this will be a long labour too! Not everyone pops out a baby in 12 hours??!
HamAndButterSandwich · 31/01/2021 16:23

It's not unreasonable to make any demands they want since they're doing you a favour but it's also not unreasonable for you to refuse their help. If you'll be in hospital anyway I wouldn't have a problem with them sleeping in my bed (obviously just change the bedding before and after) but everyone is different and if that's a big problem for you then it is.

If your parents won't have had the jab then I'd take DD out of preschool for a few weeks so she'll have been out for two weeks before your parents come.

ktp100 · 31/01/2021 16:24

I'd just say thanks but that's not going to work for you. Are you expected to be in hospital long? And could you, DH & DD not isolate until your due date so you know your Mum & Dad are safe to stay?

They sound more than a tad precious!!

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 31/01/2021 16:24

Personally, I would go for the option of PIL taking DD to their house and missing pre-school. Could it will be a fun adventure for her and special time with GPs? My eldest still talks about how special it was when youngest was born. No hassle for you and no in laws in your house. My in laws took eldest to theirs when I was in labour, allowing me to stay at home labouring for a whole extra night and day prior to going into hospital.

Mintjulia · 31/01/2021 16:25

So you're having the baby but basically they want you to change their sheets and batch cook food for them. They aren't helping, it's not worth the bother. Bubble with your parents as long as they've had the first jab.

diddl · 31/01/2021 16:25

The two beds wouldn't bother me as obviously their son could change & wash the bedding afterwards.

The meals thing sounds too fussy.

I mean if two adults cannot cook & look after one child it's a pretty poor show imo.

nancyclancy123 · 31/01/2021 16:25

They are very unreasonable.

Even if you have a c-section, I would imagine the hospital will be quite quick to get you out again with the current situation.
I would drop your dd off at their house when you go into labour or day of c section. Then once baby has been born, dh can collect dd and look after her or take her to nursery.
I very much doubt your dh will be able to sit with you each day if your still in hospital, so he can care for dd??

mrscampbellblackagain · 31/01/2021 16:26

Also, I had long labour and emergency c-section with first and was in hospital for a while. Subsequent two c-sections I was out in less than 24 hours.

ktp100 · 31/01/2021 16:26

@UnicornAndSparkles

But I won't know when I'll be giving birth, so when do I start the two weeks out of preschool? Last baby arrived at 39 weeks but this one could be 36 or 42.
Then your DD is kept out of preschool for longer.

Can you get shopping delivered so you don't have to go out at all?

dontdisturbmenow · 31/01/2021 16:26

Yabu. They have aright to want to look after your DD at theirs. Asking for both rooms is unreasonable.

Your DD would cope just fine not going to nursery for a couple of days when things will not be normal to her anyway.

As for the cat, you've got to be kidding. You can buy a feeder that opens up at timed hours. Expecting them to drive 30mns just to feed the cat is ridiculous.

IM0GEN · 31/01/2021 16:27

@Aquamarine1029

Bit confused. Your dh only needs be there for birth 1 day. He can watch his child then?

I'm wondering the same. If your husband is home with you, what so you need your parents or in-laws for?

Me too. If you have an elective CS then he will only be allowed in theatre and recovery with you and perhaps a little time on the ward.

So probably less than 12 hours. It seems like a lot of drama for 12 hours.

Why can’t take a taxi to the hospital. Then later your husband can drop your child at his parents 30 mins away, drive to hospital to be with you then then do the same on the way home. It doesn't matter if she misses nursery for one day.

Or just drop child at nursery at 7:30 am and go into hospital with you. Then he’s got childcare covered until 6:30pm.

swansongs · 31/01/2021 16:28

OP, my concern is not so much their demands - which are batshit - but that these are the type of people who will NOT be a help to you. There will be one thing after another with them and in the end you'll wish they hadn't come. I've been there!

Noneedtocry · 31/01/2021 16:28

With DS2 I had a scheduled section - DH dropped me at hospital, dropped DS1 at nursery, came back, had baby, picked up DS1, brought him to meet his brother and then took him home via McDonalds

I know you're not having a scheduled CS but my point is second time around was a lot more quick / matter of fact for me ... I didn't really need DH hanging around the ward with me. I'd have your DD go to your in-laws for the night if in labour but otherwise between your DH and preschool she should be fine.

And I would go nuts even having extra people in the house when I came home, let alone people demanding my bed and a home cooked meal!

OHolyTights · 31/01/2021 16:29

About the journey time to theirs and then hospital if it's an urgent admission rather than planned - is there a local friend or neighbour you trust who could pop round or you could drop DD off with till grandparents can pick her up? I have done this for friends and neighbours and had this done for us in real emergencies - not just births either.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 31/01/2021 16:31

No just no. I won’t give my bed up for anyone, especially heavily pregnant or having just given birth. Are they always so demanding and precious?! Do they really want to assist (l am wondering about the sky high demands OR are they seriously that high maintenance?

Jacketpotato84 · 31/01/2021 16:32

Have your baby on own then go home to your wonderful family. They are awful suggesting such demands, making the event about them not you eww. If risk so high to your parents then sadly thats way it is your doing your best to protect them. Youll prob only be in hosp couple days max and least you be coming home to your home not a mixed up mess. It sounds like they are entitled people. This way your little girl still has stability of pre school which you said she really loves

Lovemylittlebear · 31/01/2021 16:34

I would go for my parents and if I was worried I would pull daughter out of preschool for a few days before (if possible) and during them looking after her. My family all live abroad and my in-laws (whom we moved to Wales to live near having asked us to being involved with the kids - have said if I have an indication on a day where they help out with niece and nephew they are not sure if they can help us lol). Although I’m quite sure my sil or bil could take a days annual leave (and both working from home anyways! And have her parents round the corner for emergencies - but heyho). I have a brother that’s just moved from the states to leads and he doesn’t drive and understandably nervous about Covid. Our option atm may be for me or husband to do a 9 hour round trip to pick him up so he can stay with us a few days so we have childcare when we have this baby. Good luck with getting sorted

InescapableDeath · 31/01/2021 16:36

They're too difficult to use. I'd use them for one day max - at theirs, while you are giving birth so your DH can be with you. After that he can look after your DD at your house. Hopefully you won't be in too long. I was in a few days with my first EMCS but only one night for my second ELCS.

itsgettingweird · 31/01/2021 16:39

@2typesofjungle

Are you expecting to have a creation? Why do they need to have your DD for 3 days? Can't you get your DH to drop DD off with them with an overnight bag once you are in labour, take you to the hospital and then collect DD on the way home? Yes she might miss a day or two of preschool but in the grand scheme of things she'd probably survive.
I agree with this.

The bed thing is daft but they may have valid reasons and I do suspect they are worried about caring for a 3yo without a proper nights sleep.

As for the meals. They can do one! You could be making fresh fridge meals for 3 days for a 6 week period!

Raindancer411 · 31/01/2021 16:40

@UnicornAndSparkles I have read all the thread yet but wanted to reply before baby wakes. I had DH stay home with our eldest and a friend came and supported me. Is that an option?

Oh12lookanothernamechange1234 · 31/01/2021 16:41

Can’t you just have a friend on standby to have DD if you go into labour? The whole situation seems so over thought and far too stressful!!

Beautiful3 · 31/01/2021 16:44

I would say, no thanks and get dropped off and collected from hospital. I did it with my second, so that my husband could look after our child.

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