To not accept these demands?

[UnicornAndSparkles]

AIBU?

MiL and FiL have offered to form a childcare bubble with us, so long as they have had both covid jabs, in order to look after DD aged 3 when I go into hospital to have her sibling in a few months time. A very kind offer.

But today we've woken up to a string of requests of how they intend to do this. 1) they cannot stay in our spare room as the (standard sized) double bed is too small for both of them and will need to use our own bedroom along with the spare so they each have a bed. MiL is approx a size 10 and FiL is underweight so they're not big people needing a lot of sleeping space, i would think. We have a house with only 1 spare (guest) room. Why can't they share? I'd really rather not have one of them sleep in my bed, not least at it'll mean DH (6ft 2, large build) sleeping on the sofa if he returns from hospital late evening/during the night. Plus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby. 2) alternatively they will have DD at their house but will not be able to take her to preschool on the 3 days a week she normally attends as its "too far to drive" (30 min drive from their house, 2 min from ours). We are reluctant to change her routine as she is about to have a huge upheaval with an new baby, and she loves and feels secure at preschool. Plus its open 7.30am to 6.30pm so would give MiL and FiL a days break from parenting her, if I were to be in hospital on a preschool day. Plus we have a cat that we would ask them to feed, enroute to preschool 2x a day, but they wouldn't be able to if they were at their house and unwilling to make the journey to and from preschool 3) they would like us to ensure there are meals prepared for them in the fridge to simply heat up. Obviously we will do our best to ensure everything they need is there but I can't help thinking meals in the fridge is a bit excessive?! I've no idea when I will go into labour so am unable to prepare things "just incase". Can't they cook or get a takeaway? Obviously I will leave meals prepared for DD as we have a supply of those always in the freezer, but to do the same for my inlaws is surely a bit much, considering we will need as much freezer space for our own batch cooked meals so that I dont have to cook every night when I've just given birth?!

Is this unreasonable?! Or am I being unreasonable?!

Our alternative is my parents, who are desperate to help out, but won't have had a second covid jab by due date and I'm reluctant to put them at unnecessary risk. MiL and FiL have their second jab booked 3 weeks before due date, so the risk to them from DD and us will be minimal. Our next alternative is me having the baby in hospital alone and DH staying at home to look after DD. Which sounds less hassle than having my PiL atm!

No no no . Too much hassle for not enough gain. Wonder if that's their nice way of backing out of helping ? Either way help is supposed to make your life easier not harder. I would prefer to come home to my own bed without knowing in laws had been recently sleeping it. I also couldn't be bothered with the meals as you'll have enough to do. It's just too much hassle

I dont see any harm in your dd missing a couple of days in creche. I'd send your dd to their house and ask your parents to feed your cat.

I gave birth to my last baby alone as we had no one to look after our other children. My mam was sick in hospital and MIL has dementia so we had no choice. It wasn't that bad to be honest. In an ideal world OH would have been there but I love that me and dd had some precious bonding time alone when she was first born.

They are making more work for you than they are saving. What a fussy, self-important pair.

How did your first birth go? The chances are that you will be in hospital for around 18 hours. The best solution is for your DD to go to their's and not go to pre school for one day.

There might be a liad of really personal reasons why they can't share a bed, incontinence, snoring etc.

You are really making a song and dance about it.

Glad to know I'm not the only thinking this is madness!

Is actually more like 2.5 months until due date and so I'm not sure covid rates will be hugely down then?

DH is easy; he thinks it's ridiculous but they're offering us help (are they? It sounds like hassle!) and he'll sleep on the sofa if needed. But I really don't want him to, he'll be grumpy and uncomfortable, the last thing I need when I'm bringing home a second baby and need help. Selfishly I want him to have had a decent 8h sleep so that he can be properly useful! He'll say no thank you but is worried about me giving birth alone. Its likely to he a c section, but I've no idea how long I'll be in for. Could be a few days.

Are you expecting to have a creation? Why do they need to have your DD for 3 days?
Can't you get your DH to drop DD off with them with an overnight bag once you are in labour, take you to the hospital and then collect DD on the way home? Yes she might miss a day or two of preschool but in the grand scheme of things she'd probably survive.

I would just let them come and pick up your daughter and take her back to theirs, assuming she likes being with them. One day away from preschool isn't going to do her any harm, surely a day of being spoilt by your grandparents is going to be a nice alternative for her? It's a special day, just spin it that way for your daughter and she'll be excited to meet her new sibling.

They sound crazy! I certainly wouldn’t be giving up my bed - what if you are released from hospital quite late and get back to find them already asleep in your bed? It just wouldn’t work.

They are being demanding and a bit cheeky but they probably won’t need to do more than a day of actual childcare? Assuming no complications, you’ll likely be able to go home 6 hours after delivery. And second labours tend to be quicker/more straightforward (obviously not always!).

MIL looked after DS. We only needed her from 10pm until 1pm the following day really.

When I helped out after DD had our first Grandchild, I slept on an air bed in the living room. Unless they are spending weeks with you, it won’t hurt them to share a bed and hopefully they will do the all of the washing for you .
When DD had our second GC I went to a B and B, left their house at 11pm walked to B and B and arrived back at daughters for 7.30 am. each morning.
Let them come, show them their bedroom and let them get on with it.

If you have a relatively straight forward delivery you could be discharged the same day, I was after my third baby and was home the next morning after my c-sections with DC4 and 5. Your DH will have to return home as soon as the baby is born if covid restrictions remain the same anyway, my DH was only allowed to stay for about an hour after DS was born in July.

I’d personally ask them to watch your DD for the day and see how it goes, your DH can take over when he comes home. For all the hassle they’re causing, I’d just ask your parents though.

Absolutely unreasonable. They should be looking after you or they should step back and let someone else do it if they're not up to the task. People who offer help but with a long list of demands aren't helpful.
There's no need for both of them to stay at your house to take care of one small child, especially if they won't even sleep in the same room.

It honestly sounds like your PILs want to say no but are coming up with all this bullshit to get you to turn them down so they can later say "but we offered to help..."

Save yourself the hassle and get your parents to do it if they're more willing. Don't worry about the second Covid jab or any of that stuff. That's out of your control. What you can control is whether your DD has a lovely time with people who want to take care of her/spend time with her at a big point of transition in her life or whether she'll be fed miserable health food (that you cooked) by people too lazy to actually help you out as a one-off at a time of need. It sounds like your PILs aren't up to the job.

YADNBU.

Edited to add, first birth i was in hospital for 5 days following a 27h traumatic labour, so not expecting this one to be short, hence trying to plan for overnight, just in case. Plus we are hoping for a c section. All of our friends have children and can't be expected to be called upon last minute really. No other family close by.

Im thinking to go it alone would be the easier option, but a bit worried about that due to previous birth trauma.

Is actually more like 2.5 months until due date and so I'm not sure covid rates will be hugely down then?

Middle of April? I think it's perfectly reasonable to think the rates will be much lower by then,

That’s ridiculous; it sounds like coming to yours will almost be a holiday to them! You’ll come home to the house being a mess and sheets and towels to wash as well as your bed to change and I suspect them having left you no food.

With dc 3 my dm came during the night. She took dc 1 and 2 to school and fell.. Broke her arm and I was discharged before her. I took dc 3 to collect dc 1 and 2.
Twat dh had gone to work and his dps didn't offer any help. They lived in geh school Street..
Your ils are making planning way watt to stressful for you. Surely 1 of them stays at your home from labour phone call until you are home?

Jesus Christ. What a miserly offer of "help". I'd tell them to shove it and save the ready meals for yourselves!

@UnicornAndSparkles

Also, they won't eat ready meals or fast food, hence the no take aways. Hugely health conscious.

Can’t they cook?

What do they normally eat??

Sorry I meant PILs are being absolutely unreasonable, not you.
And I didn't mean to imply your cooking is bad, I was more trying to say they sound like they will take it upon themselves to be the food police when DD needs snacks/treats.

Their demands are ridiculous. If they don’t usually share a bed I slightly understand the need for separate beds. The rest is utter tosh. Particularly the meal requests.

Either go with your parents or give birth alone. Personally I’d do the latter - particularly with a second baby (I’ve had 3) - but I would have been ok with that. Not delighted. But oK. I think the risk to your parents is pretty small though, so if you feel at all wobbly about going it alone, have your parents as carers for DD.

What I suggest you absolutely should not do is get into a negotiation with your in-laws. When you decline, please resist any attempt by them to re-negotiate. They will only renege on their concessions, or bring up new things. It’s not worth the hassle. Just thank them and decline.

Best of luck.

Anyone who thought the EU made unreasonable demands in the Brexit negotiations will think again if they compare them to what the OP has listed.

An offer to be declined politely.

Could you ask one of the ladies at your daughters nursery? Ours all do lots of baby sitting / overnight stays and weekends. Plus your daughter will already know the person.

I don’t see a huge issue with them having DD at theirs and her missing pre school. Someone else could feed the cat (friend, neighbours, your parents), or your DH or even get an automatic feeder.

Can you afford a temporary nanny for DD?

No, sod that. You have 2 months yet the list will just get longer. They are meant to help to make your life easier not to be scrubbing the red carpet.