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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not accept these demands?

359 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 31/01/2021 15:19

AIBU?

MiL and FiL have offered to form a childcare bubble with us, so long as they have had both covid jabs, in order to look after DD aged 3 when I go into hospital to have her sibling in a few months time. A very kind offer.

But today we've woken up to a string of requests of how they intend to do this. 1) they cannot stay in our spare room as the (standard sized) double bed is too small for both of them and will need to use our own bedroom along with the spare so they each have a bed. MiL is approx a size 10 and FiL is underweight so they're not big people needing a lot of sleeping space, i would think. We have a house with only 1 spare (guest) room. Why can't they share? I'd really rather not have one of them sleep in my bed, not least at it'll mean DH (6ft 2, large build) sleeping on the sofa if he returns from hospital late evening/during the night. Plus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby. 2) alternatively they will have DD at their house but will not be able to take her to preschool on the 3 days a week she normally attends as its "too far to drive" (30 min drive from their house, 2 min from ours). We are reluctant to change her routine as she is about to have a huge upheaval with an new baby, and she loves and feels secure at preschool. Plus its open 7.30am to 6.30pm so would give MiL and FiL a days break from parenting her, if I were to be in hospital on a preschool day. Plus we have a cat that we would ask them to feed, enroute to preschool 2x a day, but they wouldn't be able to if they were at their house and unwilling to make the journey to and from preschool 3) they would like us to ensure there are meals prepared for them in the fridge to simply heat up. Obviously we will do our best to ensure everything they need is there but I can't help thinking meals in the fridge is a bit excessive?! I've no idea when I will go into labour so am unable to prepare things "just incase". Can't they cook or get a takeaway? Obviously I will leave meals prepared for DD as we have a supply of those always in the freezer, but to do the same for my inlaws is surely a bit much, considering we will need as much freezer space for our own batch cooked meals so that I dont have to cook every night when I've just given birth?!

Is this unreasonable?! Or am I being unreasonable?!

Our alternative is my parents, who are desperate to help out, but won't have had a second covid jab by due date and I'm reluctant to put them at unnecessary risk. MiL and FiL have their second jab booked 3 weeks before due date, so the risk to them from DD and us will be minimal. Our next alternative is me having the baby in hospital alone and DH staying at home to look after DD. Which sounds less hassle than having my PiL atm!

OP posts:
fitflopqueen · 31/01/2021 15:56

Say thanks but no thanks to your in-laws. Your parents will have some protection against Covid, in two months it will look different again and their risk will be reduced. Would it not be an option for your dad to drive your mum to yours and she stay for your hospital stay on her own. Would be better for your DD as well so she continues with normal activity.

Chloemol · 31/01/2021 15:56

I would just go back to them and advise you

  1. Can’t give up your bed, if its a quick birth ( and I read what you said but you never know) you can’t be changing bedding. The guest room bed is available, and the sofa if they really can’t share
  1. Food will be available for them to cook themselves but it’s simply no5 possible for you to provide any prepare meals for them
  1. Your current child going to them simply won’t work

Therefore if they can’t do 1and 2 you understand and you will ask your parents for help

Then ask your parents. They will have had the first jab, and be on the way to the second

Heronwatcher · 31/01/2021 15:57

They do sound odd, but maybe they are anxious about looking after your DD? Not to excuse this but I think we’d need to know whether they are normally ok or not. Assuming they are normally good with your daughter etc, I would suggest your DH drops her there in the morning and then picks her up at teatime, then he spends the night at home with her. That way you’ll have him to help out in the day but you won’t have to deal with any of this nonsense! If necessary I think your DD will be fine not going to nursery for a few days and my bet is that by day 2 they will be suddenly more than happy to take her!

MindfulBitch · 31/01/2021 15:57

This isn't an offer of help from them. No matter how much they have dressed it it.

They are willing to turf you both out of your bed. After childbirth!!

Make extra work for you with the washing etc

Make their meals? Ffs they should be offering to cook something for you so when you return from hospital you have
Nothing to do except concentrate on recovery and your new baby.

cheeseybean · 31/01/2021 15:57

I don’t see a huge issue with them having DD at theirs and her missing pre school. Someone else could feed the cat (friend, neighbours, your parents), or your DH or even get an automatic feeder.

Indeed. DH won't be able to stay at the hospital for the days you will so he will have to go home at some point?

Saying that, I would politely decline their help anyway seeing as they sound like complete twats.

Godimabitch · 31/01/2021 15:57

No way! Wouldn't have anyone sleeping in my bed, especially when I'm giving birth. You don't want to be changing the bedding and doing the washing before you can get in bed and you dont want to sleeping in their sheets aswell. And I'm presuming they dont want to sleep in yours so you'll have to change the bed for them before you go to hospital. and they wouldn't be helping much if the cat's not getting fed anyway.

Your parents will be mostly protected by having their first jab and maternity wards aren't super high risk, not like going to A&E, they're very careful to protect you and you're not really in close contact with other patients.

Hyppogriff · 31/01/2021 15:58

If it were me I’d go with your own parents. They will be fine with one jab!

Hyppogriff · 31/01/2021 15:58

Your in laws sound like loons

WeAreShiningStars · 31/01/2021 16:00

Use your own parents.

Your INlaws are beyond ridiculous.

Newchances · 31/01/2021 16:00

Could they batch cook meals at their own house,keep in their own freezer and bring over with them then?

SeasonFinale · 31/01/2021 16:01

They are supposed to be coming to help and they are not. The thoughtof expecting you to prepare meals for them! They should be doing This whilst you are I hospital for you so that you and DH aren't having to do this post birth.

Ask your own parents to help instead and say thanks but no thanks PIL. Perhaps they actually don't want to do it but want it to be a way of saying that they offered and you refused.

Godimabitch · 31/01/2021 16:02

3) they would like us to ensure there are meals prepared for them in the fridge to simply heat up.

Oh God. They're definitely making more work for you OP not being helpful at all.

Go with your parents. If cases in your area jump or there's an outbreak then go with DH being at home with DD. It's not perfect, but the amount of running round you'd have to do for PILs is ridiculous and will only cause resentment

IrishCharm · 31/01/2021 16:02

If you are hoping to have a c section, speak to your midwife as it’ll be planned then you can arrange what child care you will need.

If all being well that happens all you will need is your parents or inlaws to look after young one whilst hubby with you - most likely during the day - I’m not sure what the rules are there but here in Ireland other than the birth and going home I don’t think spouses are allowed in to visit.
Again speak to your midwife. Your in-laws are out of order and I wouldn’t be entertaining any of their requests.... they should be accommodating you! X

mrsbyers · 31/01/2021 16:02

I don’t see the bed thing as unreasonable - I don’t share with my husband as he’s snores and I have some medical issues that sometimes need to attend to overnight

Meals in the fridge - ready meals easy to buy

MiddleClassProblem · 31/01/2021 16:03

@mrsbyers

I don’t see the bed thing as unreasonable - I don’t share with my husband as he’s snores and I have some medical issues that sometimes need to attend to overnight

Meals in the fridge - ready meals easy to buy

They don’t like ready meals
Apple31419 · 31/01/2021 16:04

If its going to be less convenient having them there, than not, then they're not really helping you!

Christmasfairy2020 · 31/01/2021 16:04

Bit confused. Your dh only needs be there for birth 1 day. He can watch his child then?

Stompythedinosaur · 31/01/2021 16:06

Well, looking after someone else's dc is a big favour, and they are allowed to be upfront about what they want in exchange.

But I would ask your parent's instead. They aren't being hugely helpful by having such bug requirements.

SummerBlondey · 31/01/2021 16:07

If they are 30 mins away why do they need to sleep at your house?? When you go in to labour, I'd drop your DD to them, en route to hospital, and get your DH so collect her when you've given birth and settled.

NYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYN · 31/01/2021 16:08

Their demands are absolutely crazy and you don't need the added stress.

Ask your parents to help out. I know your worried about the Covid vaccine but the carers at nursery haven't even had their first vaccine yet and you are sending your child there so please don't over worry about that. I'm sure your parents are sensible and if you explain your worries beforehand they might try to limit exposure where possible.

Good luck on your upcoming birth

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2021 16:08

Bit confused. Your dh only needs be there for birth 1 day. He can watch his child then?

I'm wondering the same. If your husband is home with you, what so you need your parents or in-laws for?

Coolerthanapolarbearstoenails · 31/01/2021 16:09

If your likely going to have a c section what's the fuss? You can drop DD of at theirs on the day and stay overnight if needed. Sorted. It's one day of preschool missed, two at the max.

DH can then take over her care if you need to stay in as he'll only be visiting during visiting times?

wifterwafter · 31/01/2021 16:09

Refuse their offer, they are coming to help not having a holiday!!

Edgeoftheledge · 31/01/2021 16:10

Tell them to f off

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/01/2021 16:11

I understand the bed share thing. But their solution is hugely unacceptable. If they wanted to help, they would batch cook food. As your fil and mil don’t live together, it would perhaps be easier for only one to stay. If your dd is at preschool, she will be gone for several hours and the other Gp could bimble over and back in the afternoon or whenever when your dd is home. Your parents sound like a far better bet.

Bottom line,

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