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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not accept these demands?

359 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 31/01/2021 15:19

AIBU?

MiL and FiL have offered to form a childcare bubble with us, so long as they have had both covid jabs, in order to look after DD aged 3 when I go into hospital to have her sibling in a few months time. A very kind offer.

But today we've woken up to a string of requests of how they intend to do this. 1) they cannot stay in our spare room as the (standard sized) double bed is too small for both of them and will need to use our own bedroom along with the spare so they each have a bed. MiL is approx a size 10 and FiL is underweight so they're not big people needing a lot of sleeping space, i would think. We have a house with only 1 spare (guest) room. Why can't they share? I'd really rather not have one of them sleep in my bed, not least at it'll mean DH (6ft 2, large build) sleeping on the sofa if he returns from hospital late evening/during the night. Plus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby. 2) alternatively they will have DD at their house but will not be able to take her to preschool on the 3 days a week she normally attends as its "too far to drive" (30 min drive from their house, 2 min from ours). We are reluctant to change her routine as she is about to have a huge upheaval with an new baby, and she loves and feels secure at preschool. Plus its open 7.30am to 6.30pm so would give MiL and FiL a days break from parenting her, if I were to be in hospital on a preschool day. Plus we have a cat that we would ask them to feed, enroute to preschool 2x a day, but they wouldn't be able to if they were at their house and unwilling to make the journey to and from preschool 3) they would like us to ensure there are meals prepared for them in the fridge to simply heat up. Obviously we will do our best to ensure everything they need is there but I can't help thinking meals in the fridge is a bit excessive?! I've no idea when I will go into labour so am unable to prepare things "just incase". Can't they cook or get a takeaway? Obviously I will leave meals prepared for DD as we have a supply of those always in the freezer, but to do the same for my inlaws is surely a bit much, considering we will need as much freezer space for our own batch cooked meals so that I dont have to cook every night when I've just given birth?!

Is this unreasonable?! Or am I being unreasonable?!

Our alternative is my parents, who are desperate to help out, but won't have had a second covid jab by due date and I'm reluctant to put them at unnecessary risk. MiL and FiL have their second jab booked 3 weeks before due date, so the risk to them from DD and us will be minimal. Our next alternative is me having the baby in hospital alone and DH staying at home to look after DD. Which sounds less hassle than having my PiL atm!

OP posts:
Justgivemewine · 31/01/2021 16:45

@user1493413286

That’s ridiculous; it sounds like coming to yours will almost be a holiday to them! You’ll come home to the house being a mess and sheets and towels to wash as well as your bed to change and I suspect them having left you no food.
This^^

It sounds like they want an easy nice time with dd under the quise of helping, but they aren’t helping, they are making things harder. Helping would be them doing the washing and ironing, cooking the meals and running around after you, not you providing them with a luxury no hassle fun time with dd.

Could dh go back to them and say yes help would be nice but separate beds, food provided etc won’t be happening. What would their response be?

category12 · 31/01/2021 16:46

I'd thank them kindly for their offer to help out, but withdraw.

You're better off labouring alone and DH staying home with your dd than all that malarkey.

justanotherneighinparadise · 31/01/2021 16:47

I had my second DC in hospital alone and it was absolutely fine. In fact it was quite a powerful experience. So I’d just do that. Your in-laws sound crazy.

TurquoiseDragon · 31/01/2021 16:48

I would go with the parents, and decline the "help" from ILs. They sound like the kind of people who park their arse on the sofa expecting a new mum (potentially one who has had a CS, ie major surgery) to run around after them.

StatisticallyChallenged · 31/01/2021 16:49

If it's a planned c section you may be asked to go to the hospital early doors - I was 7am I think. In which case depending on distance they will have to either get up v early or come the night before. Are they going to expect your 9 months pregnant ass to sleep on the sofa too??

Nope, I'd go with your mum tbh

WeeDangerousSpike · 31/01/2021 16:49

If this is their list of demands at this stage, I wouldn't be surprised if the list got longer and stranger between now and birth. (home cooked meals pre prepared? They're bonkers! My 90yr old DGM rocked up at ours after I had DD bearing 3 days worth of ready meals for me and DP, that's helping!)

As for the bed thing, I doubt very much from their attitude to helping that they'll be stripping and remaking the beds for you, and what if your waters break in bed? Will they expect you to have sorted that out before heading to hospital?!

They sound a complete hindrance OP. If your DP's are happy to help then I would use them instead. I thought the 1st jab gives the majority of the immunity, and the second is a small top up and extends the length of the protection, or has the data changed since they said that?

crosspelican · 31/01/2021 16:49

Echoing the suggestion of leaving your DH with your DD and having a friend instead? That would have been inconceivable (lol!) for me after having dd1 which her horrendous labour and 3 days in hospital after, but dd2 was out in 3 pushes. I was only in the hospital for 4 hours! So having a big palaver in place like your IL's are suggesting would have been v unnecessary.

Are they putting all this nonsense in place so that you DON'T ask them? Because it really really sounds like it. They don't want to help you. They want you to run around looking after THEM.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/01/2021 16:51

Have your parents. Your in-laws sound like too much hard work. It's baby number 2, you'll probably be out in no time.

GreySkyClouds · 31/01/2021 16:52

YABU but they have every right to set our their terms.

GreySkyClouds · 31/01/2021 16:53

Whoops, YANBU but they have every right to set our their terms.

tatutata · 31/01/2021 16:53

My second baby was so hassle free I was only gone a few hours. Seems way too much of a pita having them take over your house.

5128gap · 31/01/2021 16:57

I think the bed thing needs to be accommodated. If they want separate beds they should have them. If people don't want to share a bed with someone else this needs to be respected.
I don't think it will hurt for DD to miss one day of preschool.
The meals don't sound practical so I think I would explain your reasons why this part is difficult and see what they say.
As to whether you give in to their demands, if you think they're the best of your three options and those are their terms, you don't really have a choice, reasonable or not.

iklboo · 31/01/2021 16:57

Whoops, YANBU but they have every right to set our their terms.

But their terms are bloody ridiculous.

mumwon · 31/01/2021 16:58

I would use your IL for cm when you are giving birth so maybe than dh can be with you but after that i would arrange for dh to care for dc & -if he can - perhaps do wfh if he can't take paternity leave
that way dc1 can be with them for a day - you wont have visits if you stay in hospital but probably not many others will either - maybe ask them to come round in the evening if that's when visiting hours are - don't know the current visiting rules are.

BeaSmithers · 31/01/2021 16:58

Exactly how long are you expecting to be in hospital for? Pretty certain they send you home the same day (or the next day). What makes you so special?

OakSnows · 31/01/2021 17:00

Fuck that.it should be the other way around, they should be the ones wanting to make our life easier. They should be leaving you ready meals.
No one is staying in my bed ever. We have a spare rooms and that’s it. Can they look into a hotel nearby allowing for situations like this?
If your parents are happy with the risk then use them.

Minky37 · 31/01/2021 17:01

Bloody hell, tell them thanks but no thanks! Way too hard trying to accommodate that level of fussiness.
Bubble with your parents instead, it seems like they are trying to put obstacles in the way with these demands anyway.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 31/01/2021 17:02

Something has to give, you clearly cannot have them in your house so your daughter will have to miss preschool, that's all there is to it. Something has to go and that seems like the simplest thing.
She will be fine, children adapt very well.

C152 · 31/01/2021 17:02

Say no thanks and make alternative arrangements - either your parents, a trusted friend or start testing out temporary night nanny's now, so that you've got an agency and a few nanny's you trust who you can call to be on hand when you need them.

OverTheRainbow88 · 31/01/2021 17:03

Well you either have to agree or come up with different arrangements

ign0re · 31/01/2021 17:05

There’s no way I’d agree to that! Crazy demands and if it’s starting off like that how much help are they likely to be?!
Unless you’re in a different part of the world to me, the amount of time that your DP will spend in the hospital will be minimal. So I’d suggest when he is coming, he drop off your dc to the in-laws on way and pick up on way back and then when you’re home you’ll be able to settle in to a new routine.

BritWifeinUSA · 31/01/2021 17:07

How long are you expecting to be in hospital? You could find you’re in and out in less than 24 hours.

Goodness, how on earth do people cope whose parents are dead or live in another country (as was the case when my sister and I were born)?

iklboo · 31/01/2021 17:07

Exactly how long are you expecting to be in hospital for? Pretty certain they send you home the same day (or the next day). What makes you so special?

RTFT & find out.

LumpyPillow · 31/01/2021 17:08

They themselves sound like babies. But not lovely ones, disgraceful adult babies. Why on earth would they need you to pre make all their food. Who normally cooks their food?! They are doing a favour at a major life event of their child and partner, do they know what one of those is? They will be 'inconvenienced' for a very short period of time - that should not require any conditions or terms at all. This isn't normal, at all.

It will be easier without them, I'd say no thank you.

DDiva · 31/01/2021 17:08

Personally I'd take dd to the PIL house, a week off nursery wont hurt and shell have some lovely one on one time with the grandparents. Then you and h have none of the hassle. Get a friend or beugbour to feed the cat.

Best of luck with it all.

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