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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not accept these demands?

359 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 31/01/2021 15:19

AIBU?

MiL and FiL have offered to form a childcare bubble with us, so long as they have had both covid jabs, in order to look after DD aged 3 when I go into hospital to have her sibling in a few months time. A very kind offer.

But today we've woken up to a string of requests of how they intend to do this. 1) they cannot stay in our spare room as the (standard sized) double bed is too small for both of them and will need to use our own bedroom along with the spare so they each have a bed. MiL is approx a size 10 and FiL is underweight so they're not big people needing a lot of sleeping space, i would think. We have a house with only 1 spare (guest) room. Why can't they share? I'd really rather not have one of them sleep in my bed, not least at it'll mean DH (6ft 2, large build) sleeping on the sofa if he returns from hospital late evening/during the night. Plus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby. 2) alternatively they will have DD at their house but will not be able to take her to preschool on the 3 days a week she normally attends as its "too far to drive" (30 min drive from their house, 2 min from ours). We are reluctant to change her routine as she is about to have a huge upheaval with an new baby, and she loves and feels secure at preschool. Plus its open 7.30am to 6.30pm so would give MiL and FiL a days break from parenting her, if I were to be in hospital on a preschool day. Plus we have a cat that we would ask them to feed, enroute to preschool 2x a day, but they wouldn't be able to if they were at their house and unwilling to make the journey to and from preschool 3) they would like us to ensure there are meals prepared for them in the fridge to simply heat up. Obviously we will do our best to ensure everything they need is there but I can't help thinking meals in the fridge is a bit excessive?! I've no idea when I will go into labour so am unable to prepare things "just incase". Can't they cook or get a takeaway? Obviously I will leave meals prepared for DD as we have a supply of those always in the freezer, but to do the same for my inlaws is surely a bit much, considering we will need as much freezer space for our own batch cooked meals so that I dont have to cook every night when I've just given birth?!

Is this unreasonable?! Or am I being unreasonable?!

Our alternative is my parents, who are desperate to help out, but won't have had a second covid jab by due date and I'm reluctant to put them at unnecessary risk. MiL and FiL have their second jab booked 3 weeks before due date, so the risk to them from DD and us will be minimal. Our next alternative is me having the baby in hospital alone and DH staying at home to look after DD. Which sounds less hassle than having my PiL atm!

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 31/01/2021 16:11

Couldn't they have your dd at their house and your dh go over and pick your dd up to take her to school in the mornings and feed your own cat in the process?

Unsure33 · 31/01/2021 16:13

DD to go to their house .cat can be sorted out by someone else.

No question that is what I would do .

SummerBlondey · 31/01/2021 16:13

Edited to add, first birth i was in hospital for 5 days following a 27h traumatic labour, so not expecting this one to be short, hence trying to plan for overnight, just in case

2nd births do tend to be easier though. I had a very long labour with my 1st - sounds much like yours - very long and traumatic ending up with emergency C section. Was expecting similar with my 2nd, but it was very quick - 6 hours and a natural birth.

TingTastic · 31/01/2021 16:14

Just let them look after DD at their house. Missing a couple of days at preschool won’t make any difference

If you are in for a bit longer I’m sure your DH won’t be staying in, so could visit while DD is at preschool

HermioneWeasley · 31/01/2021 16:15

You only need childcare while you’re in Labour. No way I would be putting up with that ridiculousness.

lurklemurkle · 31/01/2021 16:15

Unless there is a massive backstory here, they seem passive aggressive and unreasonable.

Either you choose to accept their 'kind offer' knowing their 'help' is going to bring stress and inconvenience.

Or you say 'no thanks', but know that you will probably be painted as the ungrateful ones.

AStudyinPink · 31/01/2021 16:15

I don’t see the big deal myself.

Original poster
UnicornAndSparkles · 31/01/2021 16:15

Thanks for all the comments.

If it is a c section it'll hopefully be planned for 39 wks but im told there is a real risk i could go into labour naturally before then, as DD arrived at 39 weeks, in which case it'll be classed as an emergency cs and I'll need to get to hospital ASAP, no time to drive DD 30 min then another hour to the hospital. I've also been told that as it stands DH can attend with me for the birth and as long after as we want, inc overnight, but cannot leave and return, so if he stays he can't go home to look after DD without leaving for good. If I'm in for several days I think that could be difficult, but obviously not impossible. And really DD is our priority rather than me.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 31/01/2021 16:15

Nope.
This would make things VERY stressful for you.

PegasusReturns · 31/01/2021 16:16

They are being unreasonable to demand two rooms and fresh meals in the fridge (although it wouldn’t harm to get some meals prepped for the freezer - either for them or to make your life easier on your return)

YABU about nursery - I’m sure your DC would love some time with grandparents and it’s really no big deal.

All that said your PiLs will not be making your life easier. Use your parents or ask a friend. I would be happy to help out a friend in this situation.

Namechangedzzz · 31/01/2021 16:16

@UnicornAndSparkles

Just to say my first labour was 29 hours a few days late. DC2 was 2 hours and a few days early! That was a shock for me because I had assumed I would be in for the long haul again.

Honestly I would decline the in-laws. You do not want to preoccupied with keeping multiple bedrooms in guest condition when you are full term. It sounds like more stress than the benefit you would get from it.

I would seriously consider your parents and either taking that risk or keeping dc1 out of preschool from 38weeks pregnant.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/01/2021 16:16

I’m not sure they want to kick OP out of her bed, but clearly willing to dislodge their son. I may have missed this, but why do they need to come together? What’s grandad bringing to the table? If this was my parents they’d bring sleeping bags and food and be willing to camp out. A nursery worker who’s willing to come over might be a good bet. If you have a planned section, surely it’ll be in the day?

ZippedyDooDa · 31/01/2021 16:16

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!
Are they actually insane?

OHolyTights · 31/01/2021 16:17

That's not a help, that's a hindrance.

Taking all your understandable concerns into consideration, I think your very best option is to agree to them having DD at their house and ask a local friend or neighbour to feed the cat. It will be ok for her to miss preschool for a few days and you can present it to her as a treat, a little holiday and special time with her grandparents. That way, you won't be worrying about extra work before you go or what you will come home to. DH might want, or need, to come to hospital. Just get a bag ready for DD with clothes, activities, cuddly etc. The sooner you just say, 'having thought about it, yes please to you having DD at yours, that will be fantastic and a great help, thank you' the sooner it will be settled and you'll feel less anxious about it all. Wishing you all the best for a better birth experience this time.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/01/2021 16:17

Best of luck with the birth.

I think you need to decline their offer. Tell them and your DH you thought but would be nice to have some help, not houseguests!

And yes, put your parents on alert, just in case.

MissConductUS · 31/01/2021 16:17

They don't want to do it anymore but don't want to come out and say that plainly. So they are forcing you to be "the bad guy" by calling an end to it with their bonkers demands.

StrangerHereMyself · 31/01/2021 16:17

For the sake of one extra set of sheets I wouldn’t be too bothered.

I think asking for preprepped food and refusing ready meals (even Charlie Bighams?) is very cheeky. In the interests of a quiet life I probably would ask DH to batch cook a couple of stews for the freezer for the post partum period in general and do an extra couple of portions for them - tell them there’s a homemade beef/chicken stew available and if that’s not to their taste they can bring their own.

TBH it’s in the nature of childbirth that when they get the call they’ll probably have food in their fridge for the next couple of days anyway, so it makes far more sense for them to shove it all in a cool bag and bring it with them.

AStudyinPink · 31/01/2021 16:18

But I would ask my parents as that seems easier.

SheilaWilcox · 31/01/2021 16:18

You go into labour, everyone gets in car, DH either drops you at hospital then takes DD to his parents, or on the way depending on geography / your condition.
DH stays with you until birth and then goes to pick up DD.
The 3 of you all wrap yourself up in a little newborn/new family bubble at home for a couple of weeks.

I would just make sure you have a 'grab bag' for both you and your DD in the car well in advance. My DD came 3 weeks early and I was completely unprepared.

AStudyinPink · 31/01/2021 16:19

Sorry, didn’t see that they won’t eat ready meals. That is a bit silly.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/01/2021 16:19

If I were you I'd probably take the option to leave your dd at their house and leave her miss a couple of days pre school, its not the end of the world

MiddleClassProblem · 31/01/2021 16:19

But if you are potentially considering having the baby on your own, then surely DH being there for the birth and leaving a little after isn’t ruled out either even if he’s not returning until he picks you both up.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 31/01/2021 16:19

I always think when people do this it's because they do not actually want to help. They want to be given credit for offering, and be able to say for years to come "but of course we offered to help" but actually they don't want you to accept. They are forcing you to be the "unreasonable" one by making utterly mad demands you would be crazy to accept.

I would play them at their game.

Eg 1) well. If course if you wish you can sleep in our room, however, there radiator to that room is broken so its very very cold
2) definitely make them have her at theirs..couple of days in I bet you a million quid they will desperate to drop her at preschool. 3) make a giant vat of casserole with slightly odd dubious combinations of ingredients that anyone would be disgusted by

PegasusReturns · 31/01/2021 16:19

Also don’t hold too much store by your first labour. I had a very traumatic first birth: pph, emergency surgery, transfusion and DC spent time in NICU. I was in hospital for a week.

Second time round, I delivered within 2 hours of arriving at hospital and was back home in bed 6 hours later.

mrscampbellblackagain · 31/01/2021 16:20

I had my second c-section without my DH there as he was looking after 3 year old as it was christmas and I didn't want to interrupt friend's plans. It was 3 weeks earlier than expected.

Anyway, it was absolutely fine and if I were you I would do that and tell in-laws their help isn't worth the hassle.

Politely of course ;)

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