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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not accept these demands?

359 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 31/01/2021 15:19

AIBU?

MiL and FiL have offered to form a childcare bubble with us, so long as they have had both covid jabs, in order to look after DD aged 3 when I go into hospital to have her sibling in a few months time. A very kind offer.

But today we've woken up to a string of requests of how they intend to do this. 1) they cannot stay in our spare room as the (standard sized) double bed is too small for both of them and will need to use our own bedroom along with the spare so they each have a bed. MiL is approx a size 10 and FiL is underweight so they're not big people needing a lot of sleeping space, i would think. We have a house with only 1 spare (guest) room. Why can't they share? I'd really rather not have one of them sleep in my bed, not least at it'll mean DH (6ft 2, large build) sleeping on the sofa if he returns from hospital late evening/during the night. Plus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby. 2) alternatively they will have DD at their house but will not be able to take her to preschool on the 3 days a week she normally attends as its "too far to drive" (30 min drive from their house, 2 min from ours). We are reluctant to change her routine as she is about to have a huge upheaval with an new baby, and she loves and feels secure at preschool. Plus its open 7.30am to 6.30pm so would give MiL and FiL a days break from parenting her, if I were to be in hospital on a preschool day. Plus we have a cat that we would ask them to feed, enroute to preschool 2x a day, but they wouldn't be able to if they were at their house and unwilling to make the journey to and from preschool 3) they would like us to ensure there are meals prepared for them in the fridge to simply heat up. Obviously we will do our best to ensure everything they need is there but I can't help thinking meals in the fridge is a bit excessive?! I've no idea when I will go into labour so am unable to prepare things "just incase". Can't they cook or get a takeaway? Obviously I will leave meals prepared for DD as we have a supply of those always in the freezer, but to do the same for my inlaws is surely a bit much, considering we will need as much freezer space for our own batch cooked meals so that I dont have to cook every night when I've just given birth?!

Is this unreasonable?! Or am I being unreasonable?!

Our alternative is my parents, who are desperate to help out, but won't have had a second covid jab by due date and I'm reluctant to put them at unnecessary risk. MiL and FiL have their second jab booked 3 weeks before due date, so the risk to them from DD and us will be minimal. Our next alternative is me having the baby in hospital alone and DH staying at home to look after DD. Which sounds less hassle than having my PiL atm!

OP posts:
Celestine70 · 01/02/2021 21:12

They should be making you meals! Do they normally sleep apart?

UndertheCedartree · 01/02/2021 21:16

Is there a reason you would be in hospital for long? It might be better for them to have DD at theirs so as not to need bedding/meals (which are ridiculous requests) and she's only likely to miss one day at nursery at most and the cat can just be left some extra food.

pinkprosseco · 01/02/2021 21:20

Don't use them, it will stress you out. Use your parents instead

bloodyhairy · 01/02/2021 21:25

The bed thing, meh. But the meals thing is asking too much.

MrsLighthouse · 01/02/2021 21:35

Can’t just his mother come ? Shove her in the spare room and stock up with cheese and crackers 😆 l would bend over backwards for my son and his family. Maybe they’re putting up lots of barriers so they don’t have to come .

LovelyIssues · 01/02/2021 21:39

The impression I would get from that is they've had second thoughts and don't particularlywant to be doing it. Do you not have any friends that wouldn't be classed as vulnerable able to stay at yours for a night with your DD?

Embroideredstars · 01/02/2021 21:45

Far to demanding, no way should they get two beds and meals prepared and poor DS having no nursery.

Do you think they've said all this precisely so you dont ask them but they can't be accused of not offering as you have said no?

Iksu · 01/02/2021 21:49

Sorry haven’t read the whole thread but wanted to say that I v recently had an elective c section which was brilliant and i was out the following lunchtime. If your c section is elective you will be able to plan so much more and realistically your daughter will be in preschool on the 2 days you’re in hospital. You would just need someone to drop her there on the morning you go on then your DH could pick up and drop off the next morning, that is assuming all goes smoothly and you’re out as quick as I was. Hospitals don’t want you in for long even with a c section so I think it’s v unlikely you’ll be in a few days. Basically, you can work around your PILs, they sound like too much hard work! Good luck!

cherish123 · 01/02/2021 21:55

@lovelyissues I don't think you are allowed friends to stay- there's a pandemic on.

rawalpindithelabrador · 01/02/2021 21:56

I'd use your parents, bubble or no.

Chanandlerbong01 · 01/02/2021 22:02

@cherish123 friends are better than a 3 year old being left unsupervised 😂

BlueThistles · 01/02/2021 22:05

[quote Chanandlerbong01]@cherish123 friends are better than a 3 year old being left unsupervised 😂[/quote]

I agree... use friends 🌺

DNHandTNS · 01/02/2021 22:16

Pitch them two tents in the garden or tell them they arent welcome. They sound like the kind of people who if you give them an inch will take a mile. They haven't even moved in and are making ridiculous requests. You need your bed and good quality rest. say no.

Localocal · 01/02/2021 23:10

Ask them to take DD just while you are actually giving birth, taking her to their house. It will only be 24 hours - she can miss a day of school. Then as soon as you come home DD1 does too. Do not have them in your house - way too much trouble.

Redwise10D · 01/02/2021 23:20

Are they relatives or is this a debtor/creditor contract? Respond to their enumerated requests honestly: we appreciate your offer and we will do this, but we will not do that. (Having prepared meals for them is what set me over the edge). Then quarantine for the next two weeks (you probably already are). Have your own parents also quarantine for the next two weeks. Have them wear masks in the house.

Flatoutonsofa · 01/02/2021 23:27

First of all, I'm so sorry you're having this extra stress when you're pregnant during these difficult times. Your ILs are being absolutely ridiculous. In fact, it sounds like they don't really want to help at all. Obviously you'll need someone to look after your DD while you're actually having the baby, but that hopefully will only be one day or night. My DD went to a childminder (also a friend) for the night when our DS was born, as we live miles away from both sets of parents. Surely your husband can manage beyond that? Especially if she can go to preschool? You shouldn't have to stress about this. Really it should be your husband giving them a stiff talking to, as their his parents after all. Take care of yourself and good luck xx

SezziBaybee · 01/02/2021 23:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Blacksheepcat · 01/02/2021 23:53

I’d say to them “don’t bother, this would actually make more work, upheaval and stress for me so won’t really help me out at all”

LovelyIssues · 02/02/2021 08:41

@cherish123 oh is there?! Hadn't noticed Hmm also not allowed grandparents to stay. You can create a childcare bubble if necessary (like giving birth) would be much more sensible then having someone vulnerable

TeachesOfPeaches · 02/02/2021 08:53

I think expecting them to take your child to pre-school is a bit much. Let your child sleepover at theirs.

SwanShaped · 02/02/2021 08:55

They sound a nightmare. Fingers crossed you’ll get a date for c section, maybe 38 weeks or something. And it’ll be easier to plan. Friends or your daughter’s keyworker sound good ideas.

HarriR · 02/02/2021 09:20

If they're this demanding before they arrive. Imagine what they will be like when they're there. You do not need the extra stress with a wee one on the way.

winniestone37 · 02/02/2021 09:27

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay perhaps not sharing a bed in their own homes works well for them, but in the house of a family about to welcome a new baby it’s unreasonable and as far as I understand they offered to help.

justilou1 · 02/02/2021 09:47

Now cue tears, wailing, guilt-trips and offended disbelief... “We only wanted to help! How could you??? We’ve already taken leave from work!!!” Have fun with that!

FortniteBoysMum · 02/02/2021 10:12

I'd be saying it's the spare bed or the sofa. You may be home in the early hours for all you know or late evening and having just given birth your need for your bed trumps all else.