Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not accept these demands?

359 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 31/01/2021 15:19

AIBU?

MiL and FiL have offered to form a childcare bubble with us, so long as they have had both covid jabs, in order to look after DD aged 3 when I go into hospital to have her sibling in a few months time. A very kind offer.

But today we've woken up to a string of requests of how they intend to do this. 1) they cannot stay in our spare room as the (standard sized) double bed is too small for both of them and will need to use our own bedroom along with the spare so they each have a bed. MiL is approx a size 10 and FiL is underweight so they're not big people needing a lot of sleeping space, i would think. We have a house with only 1 spare (guest) room. Why can't they share? I'd really rather not have one of them sleep in my bed, not least at it'll mean DH (6ft 2, large build) sleeping on the sofa if he returns from hospital late evening/during the night. Plus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby. 2) alternatively they will have DD at their house but will not be able to take her to preschool on the 3 days a week she normally attends as its "too far to drive" (30 min drive from their house, 2 min from ours). We are reluctant to change her routine as she is about to have a huge upheaval with an new baby, and she loves and feels secure at preschool. Plus its open 7.30am to 6.30pm so would give MiL and FiL a days break from parenting her, if I were to be in hospital on a preschool day. Plus we have a cat that we would ask them to feed, enroute to preschool 2x a day, but they wouldn't be able to if they were at their house and unwilling to make the journey to and from preschool 3) they would like us to ensure there are meals prepared for them in the fridge to simply heat up. Obviously we will do our best to ensure everything they need is there but I can't help thinking meals in the fridge is a bit excessive?! I've no idea when I will go into labour so am unable to prepare things "just incase". Can't they cook or get a takeaway? Obviously I will leave meals prepared for DD as we have a supply of those always in the freezer, but to do the same for my inlaws is surely a bit much, considering we will need as much freezer space for our own batch cooked meals so that I dont have to cook every night when I've just given birth?!

Is this unreasonable?! Or am I being unreasonable?!

Our alternative is my parents, who are desperate to help out, but won't have had a second covid jab by due date and I'm reluctant to put them at unnecessary risk. MiL and FiL have their second jab booked 3 weeks before due date, so the risk to them from DD and us will be minimal. Our next alternative is me having the baby in hospital alone and DH staying at home to look after DD. Which sounds less hassle than having my PiL atm!

OP posts:
DiWoo · 31/01/2021 21:32

They want not only your bigger bed but also the spare one too and want you to have prepared them some meals before you go into labour?? Are they mistaking this for a holiday?? I would have expected them to be cooking your meals!

Porridgeoat · 31/01/2021 21:34

So help her be familiar with grandparents house by increasing visits and let her do a couple of sleep overs before the birth.

Puddinger · 31/01/2021 21:35

Just let your husband deal with it. They're his parents, his problem. He can wash the sheets and prepare meals or not as necessary. You won't be there!

DiWoo · 31/01/2021 21:39

You’ve said that they don’t eat fast-food or ready meals so surely they must be used to cooking for themselves, why on earth are they expecting you to cook for them, they should be cooking for you

Chickychoccyegg · 31/01/2021 21:40

No real reason your 2nd labour will be aslong, first is very often very long, mine was around 27 hours too and quite complicated, with my 2nd I waited a little longer to go in, but things progressed pretty quickly and dd was born 40 minutes after I arrived and I was home 4 hours after that, dd3, I was in and out within a few hours, so I'd probably drop dd off at inlaws when your getting regular contractions, with an over night bag just incase, and dh can pick her up the next day?

marshmallowfluffy · 31/01/2021 21:42

I wouldn't accept. They are supposed to be helping rather than creating more work. I'd rather not send dc1 back to pre-school after Easter and send to your parents than accept their "help"

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/01/2021 21:54

Even without the demands form your PiL, it sounds like you'd probably be best off planning on DH looking after DD. I know it's not idea to be in the hospital without someone you know well (do you have someone else who could support you in the hospital?) but you're much more able to process that than DD is able to process being looked after for several days by people she's barely seen all year. Add the less than helpful attitude your PiL are showing and I think you're just setting yourself up for resentment and annoyance if you go that route.

mistletoeandsigh · 31/01/2021 21:56

I don't think it'd be a big deal for your child to miss a bit of pre school and stay at her grandparents'. Or you could ask your husband to sort out the beds when you get back.

billy1966 · 31/01/2021 22:03

I would rather give birth alone rather than face that palava.

They are way more trouble than they are worth and so selfish to boot.

Honestly OP, go for the least amount of stress.
Better for baby.
Better for you.

Your inlaws are PITA's...big time.

Best of luck.Flowers

rorosemary · 31/01/2021 22:04

@2typesofjungle

Are you expecting to have a creation? Why do they need to have your DD for 3 days? Can't you get your DH to drop DD off with them with an overnight bag once you are in labour, take you to the hospital and then collect DD on the way home? Yes she might miss a day or two of preschool but in the grand scheme of things she'd probably survive.
Even without a creation it can take a lot of time. I was in hospital for 7 days, 4 days induction, labour that stalled, emergency c section and 2 days recovery. Nobody is guaranteed a quick delivery.
MrsTiffin · 31/01/2021 22:05

Echoing what @cerealgamechanger said! I had my DC2 in September and we wanted our DC1 to have his normal routine as much as possible. In nursery the days he'd normally be, I went in to be induced on my own, only told DP to come in when I had a semi-emergency section. He stayed 1 night but was probably away for less than 24 hours in total. DC1 had a great time at home with nana doing his normal routine.

I didn't mind being in hospital on my own, I was just more worried about DC1 (who barely noticed I'd gone!).

No chance I'd be accommodating any of those ridiculous demands, go for your parents and DP. Hopefully things will have calmed down a lot covid wise when baby decides to make their appearance! Good luck Flowers

Alwaysready · 31/01/2021 22:11

Definitely not your problem- over to DH to sort out that arrangement as you will be occupied! If he wants his parents then he needs to speak to them about the arrangements- tell them to prepare meals at home to being ir tell them to cook! You might only be in for the say so dont over think things!

bluebellsis · 31/01/2021 22:15

So they can't eat ready meals because this is their preference? Would they even know if you went to Just Cook bought some lovely meals and then transferred them into your own dishes? 😂 Just a suggestion ....

MzHz · 31/01/2021 22:22

I’d disagree that this is dh problem to sort out, he’s far more likely to give in to them.

Babyboomtastic · 31/01/2021 22:22

I think you are massively overthinking the concept of your daughter missing preeschool. She will see it as a holiday.

When my parents had my daughter whilst I had my second, she refer to it as the time she went to theirs for a holiday.

Then there is no washing, no meals to prep etc. And tbh, if she is staying at theirs, I can see why they'd actually want to spend some time with her whilst she is awake, rather than her being away all day, and 2 hours driving from them. It's much nicer for her to skip a few days.

RootyT00t · 31/01/2021 22:29

@DiWoo

They want not only your bigger bed but also the spare one too and want you to have prepared them some meals before you go into labour?? Are they mistaking this for a holiday?? I would have expected them to be cooking your meals!
In their 80s?
DiWoo · 31/01/2021 22:57

I think OP said they’re in their 60s but do they not make their own meals when they’re at their own house? They could double the quantity and make the new mum and working dad a meal too, after all they’ve come to help haven’t get? The very least they should not be expecting meals made for them

Jent13c · 31/01/2021 23:31

Your in laws are weird. When I gave birth to my second my MIL flew 7 hours herself and made all the meals for a week, batch cooked for us for another 2 weeks, did all laundry and looked after my eldest for a week. She would have stayed another week if she was needed. We had a 2 bed apartment so she slept in beside my 3 year old. And she was delighted to do it.

I had planned to labour alone until the very last minute as we were expats. I freaked out as soon as I went in to labour (some dodgy CTGs and reduced movements and previous bad labour) and couldnt do it alone, had to drop off my son at a friends (not even that close!). Everyone has this panic when you have your second as you can't imagine loving another child as much as your first and hate the thought of routine change. My DS was asleep when we took him to my friends and then DH picked him up after breakfast when the baby was born so he didnt have a clue we were away really. It might even work out that you can take your daughter to nursery, pop out baby then DH can collect!

Hydrate · 01/02/2021 06:09

I myself would cope better without them staying if it meant giving 70 my bedroom. Your dp needs a bed comfortable for his frame, so he can function for work, as do you after giving birth. Could 2 beds fit in your guest room?

Hydrate · 01/02/2021 06:16

*up, not 70

Hailtomyteeth · 01/02/2021 06:21

Find any other solution than having your demanding in-laws. Can't your husband look after your older child?

CheesyWeez · 01/02/2021 11:39

RootyT00t The In-laws are in their sixties
OP said earlier she is talking about her husband's stepmum not his mum

OVienna · 01/02/2021 17:31

I have read all the OPs posts...
I think they don't really want to do it at all and hope you'll rethink.
The current plan is for them to become house guests, which is the last thing you need.

Do this below, as PP said:

You go into labour, everyone gets in car, DH either drops you at hospital then takes DD to his parents, or on the way depending on geography / your condition.
DH stays with you until birth and then goes to pick up DD.
The 3 of you all wrap yourself up in a little newborn/new family bubble at home for a couple of weeks.

I would just make sure you have a 'grab bag' for both you and your DD in the car well in advance. My DD came 3 weeks early and I was completely unprepared

Deez65 · 01/02/2021 17:35

Are these people for real????? Surely there is a mum at nursery who could look after your 3yr old. I mean she is at the same nursery!!! right.
Save all the hassle of Mil and Fil being absolutely outrageous with their demands and the safety of your M and F.
When safe just offer the mum to have their child when they need a couple of days off.

Littlepaws18 · 01/02/2021 17:44

Use your parents that lust of demands is ridiculous and quite selfish considering you are having a baby!