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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not accept these demands?

359 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 31/01/2021 15:19

AIBU?

MiL and FiL have offered to form a childcare bubble with us, so long as they have had both covid jabs, in order to look after DD aged 3 when I go into hospital to have her sibling in a few months time. A very kind offer.

But today we've woken up to a string of requests of how they intend to do this. 1) they cannot stay in our spare room as the (standard sized) double bed is too small for both of them and will need to use our own bedroom along with the spare so they each have a bed. MiL is approx a size 10 and FiL is underweight so they're not big people needing a lot of sleeping space, i would think. We have a house with only 1 spare (guest) room. Why can't they share? I'd really rather not have one of them sleep in my bed, not least at it'll mean DH (6ft 2, large build) sleeping on the sofa if he returns from hospital late evening/during the night. Plus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby. 2) alternatively they will have DD at their house but will not be able to take her to preschool on the 3 days a week she normally attends as its "too far to drive" (30 min drive from their house, 2 min from ours). We are reluctant to change her routine as she is about to have a huge upheaval with an new baby, and she loves and feels secure at preschool. Plus its open 7.30am to 6.30pm so would give MiL and FiL a days break from parenting her, if I were to be in hospital on a preschool day. Plus we have a cat that we would ask them to feed, enroute to preschool 2x a day, but they wouldn't be able to if they were at their house and unwilling to make the journey to and from preschool 3) they would like us to ensure there are meals prepared for them in the fridge to simply heat up. Obviously we will do our best to ensure everything they need is there but I can't help thinking meals in the fridge is a bit excessive?! I've no idea when I will go into labour so am unable to prepare things "just incase". Can't they cook or get a takeaway? Obviously I will leave meals prepared for DD as we have a supply of those always in the freezer, but to do the same for my inlaws is surely a bit much, considering we will need as much freezer space for our own batch cooked meals so that I dont have to cook every night when I've just given birth?!

Is this unreasonable?! Or am I being unreasonable?!

Our alternative is my parents, who are desperate to help out, but won't have had a second covid jab by due date and I'm reluctant to put them at unnecessary risk. MiL and FiL have their second jab booked 3 weeks before due date, so the risk to them from DD and us will be minimal. Our next alternative is me having the baby in hospital alone and DH staying at home to look after DD. Which sounds less hassle than having my PiL atm!

OP posts:
Mylifesadrama · 01/02/2021 17:44

I would just say no you don’t need help. Do you really need all that stress on top of just having a baby? Do you really think you can’t cope with a baby and a 3 year old that badly?

Yesyouarebu · 01/02/2021 17:50

I'd rather give birth alone than agree to that ridiculousness 😳

cherish123 · 01/02/2021 17:52

To be honest, I would get DH to look after his child and you go to the hospital alone. I didn't think you would be allowed to have him in anyways.

Suebreo · 01/02/2021 17:54

I know it’s difficult but just you and your husband manage, it’s the easiest and safest solution xx

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 01/02/2021 17:58

fuck off 'it's ok , we're sorted thank you'

There's no way I'd want them there. That's totally unreasonable list of demands, they're supposed to be helping you, not creating a load of work

The first vaccinations are hugely effective, unless your parents are very vulnerable I'd let/ask them to come.

If you're not happy with that do you not have a sibling/friend who would come?

If none of those work for you, I'd rather give birth alone than be stressed about the fruit loops in my home

TinselTinsel · 01/02/2021 17:58

YANBU! Crikey are they always so demanding? Can a friend not help out instead? I looked after my friends 11 month old when she went into labour and I'd do it again rather than have someone so demanding on an expectant mum!

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 01/02/2021 18:07

@Mylifesadrama

I would just say no you don’t need help. Do you really need all that stress on top of just having a baby? Do you really think you can’t cope with a baby and a 3 year old that badly?
Not when she's in hospital giving birth, no
Scarlettpixie · 01/02/2021 18:08

OP you mention that it is a 30 min drive to inlaws then an hour to hospital but will that really take longer tha waiting for them to get to yiu before you can set off?

As others have said, ideal scenario is to book c section for a nursery day so you can drop her off before going to hospital. Then get your inlaws to feed the cat (double helpings) and collect DD from nursery for an overnight stay and next day at theirs.

Once you have had baby, DH can stay for a bit (maybe a few hours/overnight depending on the timing), then head back to get your DD. He can then look after DD while you are in hospital. It will be less disruptive to you DD and nicer if she has her Dad at home. I would prefer that in your shoes than having DH stay at the hospital for a few days.

Commonwasher · 01/02/2021 18:08

I would keep DD out of preschool and ask your Mum to help. I know it’s a long time out preschool but it won’t harm her and when she goes back she will be able to share exciting news about her new sibling. I think a lot of preschoolers are being taken out of preschool for a few weeks so that gparents can babysit for a new arrival. She will not be the only one.

Your in laws are crackers. If it was an air bed I would understand. I’d suggest they top and tail Wink

Ddot · 01/02/2021 18:09

Give birth on your own

funnylittlefloozie · 01/02/2021 18:10

I didn't realise these people were both 80 years old, and tbh, that changes everything. You cannot expect them to look after an energetic 3 year old for days on end. Either rope in a trusted friend (even if they all have kids, someone may well be willing to step up), or see if there is someone else like a nursery worker who could babysit DD until your DH can get back for her.

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 01/02/2021 18:17

I think I’d go alone. To be honest after my c sections I found it more stressful to have to sit and talk to dh when he was there than just spending the time looking after baby and then resting when I could.
If a c section straight forward they don’t keep you in long these days. I only stayed one night with dd but that was 14yes ago.

Chanandlerbong01 · 01/02/2021 18:18

Hi, not sure if this has already been suggested. Can you find a different birthing partner so you aren’t alone? Your partner could stay at home with 3 year old and someone else come to the hospital? Then nothing needs doing extra at home!

yasmin0147 · 01/02/2021 18:22

Go with your parents definitely (they sound like a nightmare)

Runnerduck34 · 01/02/2021 18:26

Chances are you will only be in hospital for 24 hours so if they are only having DD for the delivery and until you are discharged I wouldnt bother with all the hassle, ask your parents instead. If DD misses one or day of nursery wont be the end of the world. you may give birth at a weekend anyway!
I think the guidance is that young DC dont pass on covid which is why nurseries are open so you parents will be fine looking after DD, hope all goes well

Madamum18 · 01/02/2021 18:30

It seems to me that they are being completely unrealistic, somewhat precious, thoughtless and demanding to be honest!! They are supposed to be helping NOT creating work.

I would say to them "Thankyou for the offer. However to be honest it will seem far too disruptive all round both for you and for us, including DD...so we will think again"

Alternatively, suggest that they do a batch bake and bring their own meals to be put in your freezer for the time they are there. Ask if they could do some batch meals for you as well as you will not have much time for cooking when you get home etc etc. Tell them that the sleeping arrangements will not work so if they really cant manage on the spare bed then thanks for the offer but it can't happen!"

To be honest thiough,I suspect these demands are only the start as conditions of their "kind but somewhat self absorbed offer!!"

godmum56 · 01/02/2021 18:30

Nobody but nobody sleeps in my bed! If you can do without them then I would.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 01/02/2021 18:34

Isolate as much as possible, have dh at home with your child and ask your mum to be your birthing partner. Too much hassle otherwise

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 01/02/2021 18:39

Sounds like they will be treating their stay at your house like a mini vacation! Won't be doing anything to help you, not even taking your little girl to Nursery, at all. Instead they will be having a nice room each with all meals laid on with a laundry service! Cheeky f! Tell them to take their ransom demand and shove it where the sun does not shine! If you are having a normal pregnancy and have an uncomplicated labour you probably won't be away for much longer than a day or two! I had to read your post twice OP as I could not belive the sheer affrontery of it! Good luck with your new baby!

MrDarcysMa · 01/02/2021 18:40

They are being completely ridiculous and sounds like it will be more hassle than it's worse. Why can't they bring their own food or ready meals if they're so worried about it ?
I honestly can't imagine anybody I know making such demands.

Skysblue · 01/02/2021 18:46

Do not let these people into your house when you’re tired and vulnerable! They sound beyond high maintenance.

I do get not wanting to do the preschool commute - 2hrs driving a day is a lot for the elderly - but asking to use your bed is rude and this with the meal request makes them sound exhaustingly high maintenance.

If I was in your position I’d have my parents come assuming they got the pfizer jab which gives 90% protection from 2 wks after the first shot (as opposed to eg the oxford jab). Or just manage with DH at home.

Are there any other options... Could inlaws stay at a nearby hotel / b&b? Can you get a temp nanny for a few weeks to take care of 3 yr old?

Singlenotsingle · 01/02/2021 18:49

This would be more trouble than it's worth. Suggest that maybe MIL comes on her own?

Cutypiejas · 01/02/2021 18:51

Not sure if anyone has said this already, I work in the healthcare so getting the jab through my job, we have been told even though we have our second job booked its not guaranteed that that is when we will have it, so your in laws might not get their second jab when before you go into labour also

Fallingrain · 01/02/2021 18:57

Good grief no. Ask a good local mate to have your little one for the length of time your DH will be at the hospital for you (generally only a day at most with a second). Having in laws around when you’ve just had a baby isn’t fun for most people anyway. You’ll be bleeding profusely and wanting to slob about on the sofa.

Onekidnoclue · 01/02/2021 19:01

Ha! Are you me? My in laws would be exactly the same, so are my parents. They are pretty sure I run a hotel.
I had my DS2 last week while DS1 was with a friend. No way would I have been bothered with sending him to one of the grandparents, though tbh none of them offered!

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