To not accept these demands?

[UnicornAndSparkles]

AIBU?

MiL and FiL have offered to form a childcare bubble with us, so long as they have had both covid jabs, in order to look after DD aged 3 when I go into hospital to have her sibling in a few months time. A very kind offer.

But today we've woken up to a string of requests of how they intend to do this. 1) they cannot stay in our spare room as the (standard sized) double bed is too small for both of them and will need to use our own bedroom along with the spare so they each have a bed. MiL is approx a size 10 and FiL is underweight so they're not big people needing a lot of sleeping space, i would think. We have a house with only 1 spare (guest) room. Why can't they share? I'd really rather not have one of them sleep in my bed, not least at it'll mean DH (6ft 2, large build) sleeping on the sofa if he returns from hospital late evening/during the night. Plus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby. 2) alternatively they will have DD at their house but will not be able to take her to preschool on the 3 days a week she normally attends as its "too far to drive" (30 min drive from their house, 2 min from ours). We are reluctant to change her routine as she is about to have a huge upheaval with an new baby, and she loves and feels secure at preschool. Plus its open 7.30am to 6.30pm so would give MiL and FiL a days break from parenting her, if I were to be in hospital on a preschool day. Plus we have a cat that we would ask them to feed, enroute to preschool 2x a day, but they wouldn't be able to if they were at their house and unwilling to make the journey to and from preschool 3) they would like us to ensure there are meals prepared for them in the fridge to simply heat up. Obviously we will do our best to ensure everything they need is there but I can't help thinking meals in the fridge is a bit excessive?! I've no idea when I will go into labour so am unable to prepare things "just incase". Can't they cook or get a takeaway? Obviously I will leave meals prepared for DD as we have a supply of those always in the freezer, but to do the same for my inlaws is surely a bit much, considering we will need as much freezer space for our own batch cooked meals so that I dont have to cook every night when I've just given birth?!

Is this unreasonable?! Or am I being unreasonable?!

Our alternative is my parents, who are desperate to help out, but won't have had a second covid jab by due date and I'm reluctant to put them at unnecessary risk. MiL and FiL have their second jab booked 3 weeks before due date, so the risk to them from DD and us will be minimal. Our next alternative is me having the baby in hospital alone and DH staying at home to look after DD. Which sounds less hassle than having my PiL atm!

What a pair of dickheads. If I was lucky enough to be a prospective grandparent I'd be doing the washing and cooking for you. And taking my granddaughter to her preschool. And feed the cat and anything else that needs doing!!

Your DH may not be allowed in for long anyway (maybe just the birth) as that is what a lot of hospitals are allowing so why not just have them over for when he’s with you (if they’re 30 mins away assume you’d call them when in labour anyway) and then when DH goes back home he can be in charge of DD. If they’re only there a short while they can def share a bed, DD would miss max one day pre school if they don’t want to take her and you can buy one set of posh ready meals that are healthy (M&S). I mean, it’s not ideal as it’s giving into some of there demand (though do NOT give up your bed!) but at least DH can be with you for birth and you don’t risk your parents

Just let them take your dd to their house, missing preschool for a day or two really won't matter, they obviously aren't comfortable staying at your house, they are politely hinting they don't share a room too.

Ridiculous bullshit on their part.

I suppose if they must, you could offer them your (larger) bed to share and your husband can sleep in the guest. They can make their own food, though you could I suppose have a shop delivered.

If this is a strategy to get out of an earlier offer by being dickheads, it's genius if evil.

Ps when I had my Dd2 we just dropped dd1 off at a friends house, exh picked her up a couple of hours after I delivered dd2. No need for overnight care that way

Take dd out of pre school two weeks before your due date and ask your parents. They sound like a nightmare.
Tell them thanks but the logistics of all their requirements make it easier to ask your own parents.

I would muddle on with your dh. They sound incredibly selfish unpleasant people. Not the kind of help you need AT ALL.

I would look at it given this is your childcare bubble going forward.... who is more likely to be of assistance to you afterwards. But then I might be cynical in that easier "granny visiting rights" are also up "for grabs" here.

Could you parents ring wherever they had their jabs from once they hit the 3/4 week mark and ask to be put on a waiting list for 'leftover' jabs if they are close enough to where they got the first one to get there quickly if needed? That could solve the problem with your parents.

@SheilaWilcox

You go into labour, everyone gets in car, DH either drops you at hospital then takes DD to his parents, or on the way depending on geography / your condition. DH stays with you until birth and then goes to pick up DD. The 3 of you all wrap yourself up in a little newborn/new family bubble at home for a couple of weeks.

I would just make sure you have a 'grab bag' for both you and your DD in the car well in advance. My DD came 3 weeks early and I was completely unprepared.

This is exactly what you do.

Can't just one of them stay overnight, in the guest double? If their granddaughter is at nursery all day, they can be with DP all day.

There's no way I'd be cooking for them.

But no I would absolutely not give up your bed as you cannot predict when you will return and need it. If they are your only option send dd to theirs.

Go with your parents, the risk is still minimal to your parents.

This all sounds like a terrible idea on their part! And not very helpful at all

1. You need your bed all clean and waiting for you when you get back - not to have to have a grandparent moving out just as you get home, sheets having to be changed etc.
2. The food thing is insane. If anything, decent family members would be offering took cook a few bits and put them in your freezer for when you get back - not to eat up your stocks or make you faff around making them stuff when you could be stocking your freezer for you!

I also think your Dd should stay in her own home - the pre school bit wouldn’t be so bad, but I agree with you she needs stability if anything.

You also need your DH fit and healthy when you get back, not pre knackered from sleeping on the sofa and in a mind set of wanting to “catch up” on sleep just as he should be taking over and letting you do that.

I think what Sheilawilcox has said, and other pps have agreed with, is spot on.

@Poptart4

I dont see any harm in your dd missing a couple of days in creche. I'd send your dd to their house and ask your parents to feed your cat.

I gave birth to my last baby alone as we had no one to look after our other children. My mam was sick in hospital and MIL has dementia so we had no choice. It wasn't that bad to be honest. In an ideal world OH would have been there but I love that me and dd had some precious bonding time alone when she was first born.

Really? No friends, neighbours or anyone who would just do you a favour in an emergency? 💐

I would go with a home birth. Failing that, let them have her at theirs then, it seems to be what they are after with all the demands and dd gets to have some special grandparent time

I would let them have her at their house. She can miss pre-school as it will be a different and novel environment for her. Like a little holiday.

Re the cat buy an automatic feeder that can see her through.

I wouldn't want them in my house with taking up 2 rooms, forcing your Dh onto the sofa and their demands for food etc. I had PIL for part of my hospital stay when I had Ds2. It was so traumatic re their behaviour toward both Dh and Ds1 that I discharged myself home early. I have never forgotten it 15 years on.

Can you not push to get your c section booked now? So you at least know the date.

Let them have your daughter at their house. In the grand scheme of things missing a bit of pre school is really not a big deal.
They don’t sound very keen to stay at yours and tbh it doesn’t really seem necessary.
Good luck!

I personally think dd should be at home if possible and with minimal disruption to her routine. For now, just say 'thanks for letting us know what you would need. We're having a rethink because we think that could get too complicated and stressful for us and dd. Thank you so much for your kind offer though. We are going to decide nearer to the time whether I go in on my own or if my parents can manage, depending on the situation then.'

Had a c-section on my own with DH staying home to take care of our toddler for the very same reasons as yours- wanting DC1 to feel as secure as possible before the upheaval of a sibling became real. Also, to avoid dramas. It all worked out beautifully. DC1 was happy and excited at home. DH had prepped meals and done all the chores and I'd had a few days at hospital resting (as much as you can on a ward). Avoid the begging and pleading, grovelling (as these things eventually end up as) and rely on no one but your husband. You'll be fine.

I would be taking DC out of nursery for a few days while you're in hospital and letting our inlaws mind her in their house, if they are able to, and DD is comfortable with them for that arrangement? Please don't worry about "routine" - what do you think happens when you take annual leave and you take DD out of nursery? She has a break then! The cat can be left for a day or two with enough food and water, and ask a neighbour to pop in if necessary.

You mention that your inlaws work, though? What was their plan for taking time off from their work and minding your DC, either in yours or theirs?

I say that because in our circumstances, my DS1 saw going to "Nana's" as a big treat. I went into labour in the middle of the night, so my mum came round and slept a few hours on the sofa till he woke up and then explained to him what was happening and that they would go to their house for a couple of days and "have some fun with Grandpa" etc etc. So going there was a treat for him, and he got loads of attention.

If your DC isn't used to staying over at a grandparent's I can see how it would be different.

Your deffo massively overthinking this - the most your husband will be gone for is one night surely ! Deffo just drop your daughter off on way to the hospital - husband picks her up after baby is born.

Husband can pick you up during nursery hours when you get discharged.

DD had stayed over twice at PiL house, both times for less than 24h. I just think it would be better for her to stick with what she knows, given the upheaval she'll be facing with a new sibling. She facetimes them but hasn't seen them in person much over the last year bc of covid and our concerns about risk to them.

I will ask her keyworker at preschool if she could be on hand overnight in an emergency, obviously we'd pay her, and she's much more used to being with DD than the grandparents are and DD adores her.

In laws are both due to retire imminently so work isn't a problem for them.

I will ask for a date for a cs when I next see the consultant and hopefully that'll make things easier so long as I don't go into labour beforehand. A friend had a cs at the same hospital a few months ago and ended up staying, with her partner, for several nights, so I'm trying to plan for that possibility. But tbh I'm more inclined to send DH home even if it means he can't come back into the hospital. I've no idea what the logistics are other than that.

You go into labour, everyone gets in car, DH either drops you at hospital then takes DD to his parents, or on the way depending on geography / your condition.
DH stays with you until birth and then goes to pick up DD.
The 3 of you all wrap yourself up in a little newborn/new family bubble at home for a couple of weeks.

I would just make sure you have a 'grab bag' for both you and your DD in the car well in advance. My DD came 3 weeks early and I was completely unprepared

Definitely this!!
So much less stress!!

I would also prepare for DD to be in childcare when you go in labour - so they may have to pick her up and have her until DH can get her a few hours later. Give them directions, the nursery a heads up etc.