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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not accept these demands?

359 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 31/01/2021 15:19

AIBU?

MiL and FiL have offered to form a childcare bubble with us, so long as they have had both covid jabs, in order to look after DD aged 3 when I go into hospital to have her sibling in a few months time. A very kind offer.

But today we've woken up to a string of requests of how they intend to do this. 1) they cannot stay in our spare room as the (standard sized) double bed is too small for both of them and will need to use our own bedroom along with the spare so they each have a bed. MiL is approx a size 10 and FiL is underweight so they're not big people needing a lot of sleeping space, i would think. We have a house with only 1 spare (guest) room. Why can't they share? I'd really rather not have one of them sleep in my bed, not least at it'll mean DH (6ft 2, large build) sleeping on the sofa if he returns from hospital late evening/during the night. Plus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby. 2) alternatively they will have DD at their house but will not be able to take her to preschool on the 3 days a week she normally attends as its "too far to drive" (30 min drive from their house, 2 min from ours). We are reluctant to change her routine as she is about to have a huge upheaval with an new baby, and she loves and feels secure at preschool. Plus its open 7.30am to 6.30pm so would give MiL and FiL a days break from parenting her, if I were to be in hospital on a preschool day. Plus we have a cat that we would ask them to feed, enroute to preschool 2x a day, but they wouldn't be able to if they were at their house and unwilling to make the journey to and from preschool 3) they would like us to ensure there are meals prepared for them in the fridge to simply heat up. Obviously we will do our best to ensure everything they need is there but I can't help thinking meals in the fridge is a bit excessive?! I've no idea when I will go into labour so am unable to prepare things "just incase". Can't they cook or get a takeaway? Obviously I will leave meals prepared for DD as we have a supply of those always in the freezer, but to do the same for my inlaws is surely a bit much, considering we will need as much freezer space for our own batch cooked meals so that I dont have to cook every night when I've just given birth?!

Is this unreasonable?! Or am I being unreasonable?!

Our alternative is my parents, who are desperate to help out, but won't have had a second covid jab by due date and I'm reluctant to put them at unnecessary risk. MiL and FiL have their second jab booked 3 weeks before due date, so the risk to them from DD and us will be minimal. Our next alternative is me having the baby in hospital alone and DH staying at home to look after DD. Which sounds less hassle than having my PiL atm!

OP posts:
CorvusPurpureus · 01/02/2021 19:03

Ok so if they're using both bedrooms, the idea is that they go home once you're home? Or are you on the sofa with dh?!

If so, then I'd be bouncing it back to dh - if he's prepared to strip & re-make beds, fine.

As for food, I'd find that harder. I'm a good cook, but what would two fussy, health conscious people be happy with that would sit in the fridge for a couple of days? It's not like you can leave stir fry or salad hanging about. Maybe a curry or a cassoulet of some kind? Or something from the roasting tin cook books, pre-prepped chicken & veg to go straight in the oven.

Again, I'd be making dh responsible for all that.

But if you don't fancy them using your bed or you sense they'd just generally be more bother than help, I'd just say (or again, get dh to say...) that it's so kind of them, but you'd rather save them for babysitting later.

The one thing you categorically shouldn't be doing is lugging bedding about or fretting about what they'll eat. If dh is up for all of that, maybe.

Susan1961 · 01/02/2021 19:03

I didn't have family to help when my children were born, my ex husband looked after my daughter at home while I was in hospital.

Dryshampooandcoffee · 01/02/2021 19:05

If they only live30 minutes away could one of them stay the night in the spare room and the other go home for the night to sleep and return at say 7am to help with breakfast and getting her to preschool. How would your husband feel about not being there for the birth if it came to that? Hope you find a solution that works for everyone

LaVie17 · 01/02/2021 19:09

Can just one PiL come and help? I wouldn't expect both my parents to come over when I'm in labour, only 1 is needed surely? Therefore only one bed required (and one drama avoided at least!)

winterchills · 01/02/2021 19:10

Wow cheeky gets! I would be fuming and be declining their very "kind🤣" offer for "help".

Dizzybet74 · 01/02/2021 19:15

No way, they're really not offering to help at all!!! Surely they should be getting ready meals for you!!?

lucybluebella26 · 01/02/2021 19:16

They're being ridiculous, and personally I'd decline the offer. Do you have anyone else who could help?
It's not 'doing you a favour', it's being good family imo. When I had my 3rd child 7 months ago, I came back to a spotless house with fresh bedding thanks to my mum. THAT was doing me a favour because all we agreed on was her watching my other 2 children.
They're big enough to cook their own meals/order a takeaway, they're more than capable of changing a bed and the preschool thing sounds like they're just being awkward.
Best of luck to you lovely, but I think you and hubby are going to have to chat about this and really tell him how you feel. X

amispeakingenglish · 01/02/2021 19:23

I had 4th on my own as eldest aged 5 woke up (middle of the night) & was scared. I actually found it fine being on my own, having DH there is overrated I think. If anything I was more relaxed, or maybe it was the ton of lavender oil I poured over the pillow!! Midwife had to open the window or she said she'd be asleep too grin

Your in-laws are supposed to help you, not make more work, ditch them!

amispeakingenglish · 01/02/2021 19:23

what happened to my smiley!!

KinderWild · 01/02/2021 19:34

I would either have DH stay with DD, ask a local friend or use childcare.

I'm due in April and will be having a section. My DH won't be allowed to stay overnight but will be allowed back in for visiting the next day. If you are allowed a similar option, your DD wouldn't need to stay overnight anywhere.

My fear with the PIL's offer for staying at yours is it's the tip of the iceberg. They will do you this favour but here is everything you must do for them. It may not end there. And it feels uncomfortable.

My son is in school so that's not happening at all at the mo but I would feel missing a few days nursery was okay (if they have your DD at theirs) but as others have said they will prob be knackered looking after a 3 year old and logistically it doesn't seem to work for you.

Hope you get a suitable solution and you have a calm birth and arrival of DC2.

KorumamaT · 01/02/2021 19:38

Exhausted reading it... make other plans and tell them it is you having the baby so their requests are the least of your worries.

EmmanuelleMakro · 01/02/2021 19:51

Anyone who thought the EU made unreasonable demands in the Brexit negotiations will think again if they compare them to what the OP has listed.
GrinGrinGrin
Agree!!!

Jeeperscreepers69 · 01/02/2021 19:56

Just say would love your help but the guest room is all I can offer.

Original poster
UnicornAndSparkles · 01/02/2021 20:03

Thanks all, much appreciated. We've said thank you for the kind offer but we think we can manage. I'll try to get booked in for cs on a preschool day and DH will leave me and baby at pick up time. Hopefully we won't be in hospital for long.

I agree the demands are probably the tip of the iceberg and they don't sound like they actually want to help us at all! The idea was only mooted as I was expecting a long hospital stay as a friend had a cs recently and was in for several days, with her partner staying too. Hopefully restrictions may have eased in a couple of months and DH may be able to come and go.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnicornAndSparkles · 01/02/2021 20:05

If all else fails we can ask a friend at preschool, I'm just very aware she has 2 kids already so not wanting to add to her load!

Also, to reiterate, the inlaws I am talking about are not in their 80s! I'd never even entertain help from someone so elderly looking after an energetic 3yo Confused

OP posts:
Clusterfckintolerant · 01/02/2021 20:11

No. Just no. Your spare room is available. Ask them to make use of it in some way or ask someone else to stay to help. Your DH needs to be rested for when you get home and you don't need a laundry job on your hands. I suspect it wouldn't stop there either.

MattyWilbur · 01/02/2021 20:19

I'm sad for you op. At a time where you'd hope people would want to help you and make things smooth and easy for you their demands only add obstacles.

It just seems bizarre. When our best friend had her babies we had a laundry/food delivery rota between a few friends. I can't imagine family asking you to provide food and clean laundry. They're asking you to create work for yourselves via cooking and laundry. Weird as fuck.

If you were local I'd drop some lasagnes and curries off to you.

nitsandwormsdodger · 01/02/2021 20:27

Why not all get tested every week until due date ? Then you know you are safe to be around ( hopefully ) and use your parents?

Why can't they defrost some if your batch cooked meals
They obviously sleep separately st home

nitsandwormsdodger · 01/02/2021 20:30

I was out 13 hours after my c section
Happened at 1 am left at 4 the next day

ilovemygirls · 01/02/2021 20:34

This sounds like my idea of hell. I’d decline instantly! Why on earth would they need to move in?!?

Carpedimum · 01/02/2021 20:35

Good grief - MN never fails to open my eyes to how unbelievably unreasonable people can be. I’m sorry OP, I’d get your DH to tell his parents that you can live within their version of ‘help’.

SallyB392 · 01/02/2021 20:36

You may need help for the period you are in the delivery suite......most second babies are quicker than the first, and the majority of mum's are coming out of hospital within hours. Have you got a friend who could help you out for a few hours, possibly overnight?

But you are talking about a few months away, we don't know what the Covid position will be then, your parents may have had their second jab, or perhaps they will be able to have a chat with their doctors and request an early second dose to enable them to help out. I certainly wouldn't accept the kind offer from your in laws. Their offer isn't about help.

When my daughter went into labour with her second, she dropped my granddaughter with a friend on the way to the hospital, (AT 5am), I drove up to her (a 2hr drive), picked up my granddaughter, we went shopping together, bought presents for her new brother and her Mummy & Daddy, I bought food to make meals, we went to the park, and did some of the laundry. My s in l phoned me half hour after my grandson was born and I took his big sister to meet her brother, then went back to theirs to cook. I stayed for a few days (sleeping on the sofa), made countless cups of tea for visitors, looked after my granddaughter out, cooked meals, did laundry etc., but generally kept out of their way as it was their time, I was there to 'do'. I left after 4 days with meals prepped in the fridge. Your in laws should feel honoured that you were considering to allow them to help not demanding!

Or, have you considered a home birth?

But I really wouldn't worry yet,

BlueThistles · 01/02/2021 20:50

why do you need all this 'help' 🤔

I gave birth and was home the same day with both my pregnancies Confused

CrankyFrankie · 01/02/2021 21:06

Oh my god! No no no no no! Just no! WTAF?!?!

Have your own folk(s) do it and everyone isolate beforehand? That’s what I did anyway. As you say, no help is better than their ‘offer’.

saraclara · 01/02/2021 21:09

I love the way that those MNers who gave birth as if they were shelling peas, can't seem to understand that not everyone does! My second took 18 hours, and then an overnight.

Any plan for a LO needs to made assuming that it won't all be over in a couple of hours. And especially if it happens overnight.
Great if it's a lot easier than that, but you can hardly make a plan for just a few hours, then have dad dashing home before the birth because time's up.

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